Our Newlywed Home in Sargadis (11)

The house we had contracted for became officially ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠ours three days later.

“First things first—cleaning! Furniture comes after!” Franc declared, fully armed with every cleaning tool imaginable.

The two of us—master’s and doctoral degree holders—were basically lab rats who had spent years gnawing through theses in a garbage-dump research room. So we obeyed Franc like kids dragged into spring-cleaning by their mother during the holidays.

—SPLAAAAAASH!

I combined the Beast Regression formula with the spell and fired a water cannon. My job was to blast the floors and scrub the walls. Franc handled weed removal while Dana took the basement. Since all three of us were superhuman, cleaning was hardly a challenge.

“Clams ahoy!”

—WHOOOOSH!

I hosed down the walls and squeegeed the floors like the army mops I’d seen a thousand times. Dana, with a handkerchief tied around her face like a ninja, screamed at me.

“Hey! Don’t flood the basement, you idiot! It’ll grow mold!”

“I’ve got a master’s degree, motherfucker!” I shouted back cheerfully, then started humming. Work songs are a laborer’s best friend, after all.

“GOGO~ GO~! GO!!”

In the garden, an earth golem helped Franc pull weeds and level the soil. When the heavy brute rolled sideways, the trashed yard flattened out like a towel fresh from the dryer. A golem bulldozer, basically. I cackled and blasted the dirty water out of the house.

“Nothing but net~~~!”

—SPLASH!

—Sparkle sparkle.

After an hour of hard work, our newlywed home looked brand new. Sweating alongside my wives while cleaning the house we would live in together put me in an oddly cheerful mood. So this was why Dad used to blast the radio and wash the car every weekend.

“Huu. Damn it, if we want to maintain the basement we’ll need someone who knows a Purification spell or something. The dust is no joke once you start moving things around,” Dana said, rubbing her nose.

Purification magic, huh.

“Tirsi knows that one. I’ll ask her next time and learn it.”

“She does? Oh right, she’s the potion alchemist. Makes sense.”

“Wait. What does potion-making have to do with purification magic?”

“You absolute brick-for-brains, darling. If foreign matter gets into a potion, even sealing it tight is useless. She probably learned it for sterilization. Every time my husband acts like an idiot, it physically hurts my heart.”

“If it hurts that much, why are you smacking me? Go to a temple.”

“Only if my period stops coming.”

“Fuck, you always have a comeback. In that case, take me with you next time.”

Come to think of it, since all the women in my life had self-healing abilities, we probably wouldn’t need hospitals.

After we put the cleaning tools away, we went shopping for furniture.

“Nord. There are plenty of rooms, so we’re using separate bedrooms for now, right?”

“Separate rooms? In Kitai, married couples usually share a bedroom.”

“What? You want all three of us to sleep together? I’d wake up on the floor every single morning.”

“Now that you mention it… yeah. Even if the bed is huge, our schedules are all different anyway.”

Both Franc and Dana had a lot of personal belongings, so individual rooms made sense. We ended up spending a fortune on beds first. After relearning the universal truth that any man who follows his wives around while they shop must endure every form of boredom known to man, three whole hours had passed. When my wives picked out the bed for the master bedroom—a king-size monstrosity—the staff wrapped it up and sent it to the house.

Dana watched the bed being loaded onto the carriage and said, “Put the big bed in the master bedroom. That room’s yours, Nord. We’ll just come sleep there whenever we feel like it anyway.”

“Got it. Still, I can’t get over the fact that this two-story house has six rooms. It’s fucking wild.”

The house we bought looked a bit like an American farmhouse. Put less kindly, it was the kind of place where you’d expect a haunted porcelain doll to pop out. Even if a ghost did appear, I could just blow its head off with rune magic. Return to the abyss you crawled out of.

“Aren’t the four rooms on the second floor meant for kids? They’re pretty big.”

“Oh… I guess so.”

So that’s why there were four rooms up there. People in this world often had as many children as the old Korean folk tale character Heungbu, using them as labor until they became adults, then giving them money to live independently. Looked like the previous owners had been the “just keep having them” type. Very old-school Korean of them. Just pop them out and figure it out later.

“What about the small room next to the master bedroom on the first floor?”

“That’s probably the nursery. If the baby cries, Mom and Dad need to get there quickly to soothe it.”

“Aha. So the architects really did think of everything.”

I clapped at Franc’s explanation. Though honestly, before any kid planning, I still needed to actually hold a wedding with Franc and Dana first. Fuck. That was another massive headache. No matter what, I couldn’t exactly walk down the aisle with a wife on each arm. If I held separate ceremonies, what would I wear as the groom? Reusing the same outfit would be tacky as hell. Should I give Dana a ring during her ceremony? Where would we even rent a venue?

Fuck. In the end it all comes down to money again.

I wished spring would hurry up so the Elixir could finally go on sale. Why the hell was it still autumn? The lack of a proper loan system in Britannia was a real pain.

“Hey, Franc. Look at this guy. He’s thinking weird shit again.”

Dana poked my cheek.

How the fuck does she always know?

“Hehe. It’s true. He does this all the time.”

“Idiot. You’ve got two wives right beside you and you’re still spacing out? So damn cocky. Pay attention, will you?”

Franc linked her arm with mine, and Dana copied her with a mischievous grin. So this was what they meant by having flowers in both hands.

“The only reason I ever think about anything is to make you two happy. You know that, right?”

“We know. I do the same thing, after all.”

“Since you know, stop thinking about anything else today and just look at us. Let’s go see the rest of the furniture already.”

Dragged along by my giggling wives, I ended up touring every furniture store in Sargadis. The only enjoyable part was the jealous stares from all the other men.

To me, housewarming parties had always meant a bunch of scruffy nerds showing up to wreck the place. The fact that those bastards would bring expensive liquor they wanted to drink themselves as “gifts” was already absurd, and realizing I knew two separate groups of people who did that had once forced me to reevaluate my entire social circle.

But I couldn’t exactly recreate that kind of chaotic early-twenties housewarming in this world. After all, I was no longer Kang Bukho from the Kang family doghouse.

So once our newlywed home was tidy enough to look like actual people lived there, I decided to invite only our party members.

The guest list is a bit of a mess, though.

My network had grown wildly recently. At the top were people important enough to attend a lord’s celebration (though I’d only shown my face there), while at the bottom were regular citizens like Dorka and Clara. If I invited everyone I knew, it would turn into complete chaos. The Cromwell crowd would probably show up if I invited them, but a party set to their standards would leave the commoners feeling out of place. If I planned everything around the commoners? It would be like ordering chicken and pizza then inviting every shop owner I knew to my house.

In that case, I’d rather just have a nice meal with our own group.

That way, no one could complain about not being invited. Besides, I already planned to treat Tirsi and Larilura anyway. If the five of us got together to eat and have fun, it would strengthen the bonds within the party. A housewarming didn’t need to be some extravagant event. It wasn’t like I was some rich bastard living in a mansion.

And no, that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my bank account currently holds only five silver and one copper. I’m saying that in advance.

“The only thing left is the food. The restaurant I checked does takeout, so we’ll order a few main dishes from there. We’ll cook the rest ourselves so it doesn’t look too half-assed.”

“The only thing I know how to make is sandwiches.”

“I don’t expect cooking skills from you, senior. That would be asking too much.”

“You son of a bitch, acting all polite ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠while insulting me.”

The truth—that our (mine and Dana’s) domestic abilities were catastrophically bad—was the reason we had no choice but to do it this way. If we left all the party cooking to Franc alone, she’d have to wake up at dawn to prepare everything.

“Senior~! I brought towels and a sleep lantern as a housewarming gift! And I claim the honor of being this house’s very first guest☆!”

Larilura, the idle minor, showed up first thing in the morning to help. She didn’t seem to realize she was a guest herself. That said, she had zero domestic skills either.

The “Franc Mom and the Kids Who Can’t Cook” squad was now complete.

“Hey. We can at least chop ingredients, you know?”

“I too occasionally remember that fact and am shocked by it…”

“Senior? The spaghetti’s on fire at the end. What do I do?”

“Wow, really?”

“Fuck, what is this? I put cheese on it but it’s not melting?”

“Probably because the cheese chunk is bigger than your head, sister.”

“Everyone… I’m sorry, but could everyone except Nord please leave the kitchen…?”

After many such twists and turns, Franc worked hard in the kitchen and somehow managed to prepare a full spread. At least I had enough common sense to serve as her cooking assistant. Of course, I did once get distracted by the sight of Franc in an apron and briefly wondered if a naked-apron look was every man’s fantasy, which caused me to mess up the water measurement.

“Huu… it’s finally done…”

“Good work.”

Just as Franc finished preparations, Tirsi arrived. She was wearing casual clothes, probably having come straight from work.

“Welcome, Tirsi.”

“Hehe. Thank you for inviting ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠me today. This is a tea set. If you already bought one, I can exchange it for something else.”

“A tea set? Thank you. We’ll use it every time guests come over.”

Our party members sat down amicably at the table Franc had chosen with great care. As the head of the household and party leader, I cleared my throat while holding up a glass.

“It feels strange to make a speech when there are more family members here than invited guests. Still, since we formed this party in such a haphazard way, I’m glad we could make time to properly say let’s keep doing this right.”

I had never properly greeted or hosted either Larilura or Tirsi before. Even if the form was different, I hoped this housewarming would become a good opportunity.

“No matter how you look at it, we’ll be seeing a lot of each other. Please continue to take care of me.”

“Please take care of me too, everyone~♡”

“I’m the one who should be saying that.”

—Clink!

We clinked our glasses and drank. Without anyone saying anything, all eyes naturally turned to Franc.

“…B-beer isn’t enough to get me drunk!”

Franc blinked as if she had no idea why everyone was looking at her, then shouted a beat too late.

“Huh? Oh, r-right? I knew that, obviously. Right, husband?”

“Of course. I believed in your alcohol tolerance, Franc.”

“You two are the worst!”

Franc’s angry outburst brought a brief wave of laughter. With the mood now relaxed, we enjoyed the meal.

“Wow…”

Tirsi covered her mouth in surprise the moment she bit into the bacon vegetable roll.

“This bacon dish is incredibly delicious. Is this one of the restaurant orders?”

“That one’s Franc’s. I only cut the ingredients.”

“Really? Franc, your skills are amazing.”

“Hehe. Thank you. I’m happy you like it.”

Praised, Franc drank low-alcohol wine like it was water. I’d have to water it down a bit if she got tipsy. She probably wouldn’t notice.

Larilura’s eyes sparkled as she ate the spaghetti she had personally burned to death—Franc had used resurrection magic to bring the poor dish back to life.

“Where, where? …Ahem. As expected☆! This top-class clown can tell, you know~? I can sense Sister Franc’s love in this duck dish!”

“That one’s store-bought.”

“The chef must have a crush on you.”

“My sins are heavy.”

“Stop teasing her, both of you. Larilura’s going to cry.”

After that warm meal, Franc inevitably passed out after drinking the watered-down wine, and the atmosphere loosened completely.

“Hya~☆! This is the first time I’ve ever eaten until my stomach hurt! I can’t believe I can eat without worrying about tomorrow’s show! I’ve wasted my life!”

“Larilura. If you lie down right after eating, you’ll turn into a cow.”

“In that case, will you raise me, senior? As a pet, of course!”

“Franc was thinking about making a vegetable garden in the yard. Looks like she just found her farmhand.”

When I shook the sofa Larilura was lying on and made her bleat like a cow, Tirsi burst out laughing. The usually dignified mage wiped tears from her eyes and said,

“Hehe. It’s a lovely house. So cozy.”

“Dana and Franc put a lot of effort into the interior. Thanks to them, I feel like I bought a really good place. Hey, Larilura. If you’re sleeping over, want me to give you a room? Though there’s no bed or blankets yet.”

“Huuu… I want to sleep in Sister Franc’s bed…”

“If you get kicked out for bad sleeping habits, the sofa is yours.”

“Okay~. Good night… The juice you bought instead of wine was delicious…”

Larilura said this and headed up to the second floor—specifically to the room where Dana had taken Franc to sleep. I stretched out on the small sofa reserved for the homeowner. Tirsi sipped her after-dinner tea, enjoying the candlelight.

Then, still cradling her teacup, Tirsi suddenly spoke.

“I went to the Audumla Guild after receiving your letter. Thanks to my performance in the last two requests, they said I’ve qualified for promotion to Silver Class.”

“Really? Well, that makes sense. The black mage I caught was only possible thanks to your help, Tirsi.”

Since Nefertiti had given her testimony, everyone else must have known too. Tirsi nodded.

“Yes. So, about that… Do you remember what I said in the sewers before?”

“If this topic is going where I think it is—you’re talking about how it’s difficult for Mage Guild members to raise their adventurer rank, right?”

“Talking with you is always so quick and comfortable, Nord. Yes, that’s it.”

—Clink.

Tirsi set down her teacup and looked at the ceiling. Then she said,

“Whether as a mage or an adventurer, I cannot afford any scratches on my record. People who nitpick failures are as common to me as pebbles on the seashore, and any mistake I make simply hands those people an arrow to shoot at me.”

“Is this a serious conversation?”

“Very. Quite serious.”

With her back to the candlelight on the table, Tirsi spoke earnestly.

“Nord. Please take the promotion exam with me.”