Relic Guard Request (3)
It was definitely something from my childhood. Back when I was in kindergarten, the hero who captured the hearts of all the little kids was Vectorman. I can’t even remember now if it was a rerun or season two, but the hero who filled my childhood dreams was unmistakably one of those three Earth warriors.
My friends and I, like all kindergarteners, believed the heroes from the TV were somewhere out there in the real world. So it was only natural that we got completely hooked on playing out their roles. But the cruel truth of the world hit us hard. Every kid wanted to be Vectorman Tiger, yet there was only one Tiger spot. Someone had to be Vectorman Eagle, and someone else had to be Vectorman Bear. That’s why we’d throw punches at each other even before transforming, all fighting to claim the Tiger role.
“Hey kids, stop fighting and settle it with rock-paper-scissors.”
The one who always stepped in to resolve these pure-hearted children’s disputes was our kindergarten teacher. She gently mediated between us as we hurled tiny fists at each other, yelling about who had fired the first Spirit Bomb. Thanks to her, we quickly learned a way to duel without drawing blood.
“Rock! Paper! Scissors!”
And so my rival and I would always battle for the Tiger throne with rock-paper-scissors, just like cowboys in a Western duel. “Waaah! I lost again!” One friend who had been sharp since childhood always picked Eagle as a safe second choice, but I could never beat my rival who always went for Tiger. Looking back now, I vaguely suspect it was because I always threw scissors first. That’s probably why.
Anyway, at four years old, I was always stuck as Vectorman Bear. I felt genuinely sad that I had to be that black, scary-looking Vectorman. In a child’s simple black-and-white worldview, black was the color of villains. But after growing up, I understood. Just like how the Sword Master Go Gil-dong, who seemed like a villain when I was little, turned out to be a true hero as an adult, I finally realized what kind of heart Vectorman Bear had been fighting with all along.
Bear must have known he wasn’t loved by the kids. Yet he never complained or felt sorry for himself. He fought purely for the children’s smiles. The true hero was Vectorman Bear. While Tiger hogged the leader role and all the kids’ affection, and Eagle built his own cool image with that eagle vibe, Bear asked for nothing in return. If we didn’t call someone like him a hero, then who in this world deserved the title?
And above all else—we are all descendants of Ungnyeo. The tiger was just a pathetic coward who couldn’t endure the mugwort and garlic trial and ran back to the mountain. After that, he even chose to become a man-eating tiger that tormented the descendants of Ungnyeo who had been chosen instead of him. So in a way, it was all perfectly natural. The fact that I gained the power of a beast through a spell and ended up with the strength of a bear.
“You fucking goblin bastards!! Get over here and line up in a single file!!”
KWAAAAAK!!
I shouted, my entire body coated in a brilliant green mana. The goblins, the same disgusting green as the algae in the Four Major Rivers, trembled as they sensed the overwhelming gap between us.
“Kkyak? (Dangerous?)”
“Kkyak? (Dangerous?)”
“Kkyak ku! (Not dangerous!)”
“Kkyak ku! (Not dangerous!)”
But as expected from green elementary schoolers, after a primitive conversation that could barely be called dialogue, they decided to charge at our party with a wild “Urya!” assault.
“Kyakak!! (Gonna kill!!)”
“Kyakak!! (Gonna kill!!)”
Rumble rumble rumble!
The goblins charged without any formation or discipline! But those nineteen little brats were savage creatures who achieved their goals through merciless and chaotic killing intent.
“Heh heh.”
I didn’t feel even the slightest fear at their pathetic charge. Even if those guys were bodybuilders instead of brats, there was no way they could beat me now that I had become an Earth warrior. Deep down I felt a bit embarrassed about acting all cocky the moment I gained power, but I, Norde, had already resolved to live as an otherworldly macho warrior. Assessing the difference in combat strength between myself and the enemy and adjusting my approach accordingly was simply basic survival instinct for any living being.
And those green brats were critically lacking in that ability.
“Kyakak!! (Gonna kill!!)”
“Heh. No chance.”
I swung my sword at the goblin charging at the front. The enhanced strength made the speed completely incomparable to before.
WHOOOSH!!!
SLICE!!!
“Gyak!!”
The sword, cutting through the air with a whirlwind, split the goblin’s torso clean in half. Fuck, did I really just do that? For a moment I was so stunned my mouth fell open.
“Kek! Kkyak!! (We’re screwed! Dangerous!!)”
“Kek! Kkyak!! (We’re screwed! Dangerous!!)”
Having seen the same result twice, even the stupid goblins finally realized the reality of the situation. I took advantage of the moment their feet stopped and swung my sword wildly.
Slice! Slash!
“Gyak!!”
“Gyak!!”
The sensation in my hand didn’t feel like cutting through a living creature at all. Was it thanks to the beast’s power? Slicing goblin flesh felt closer to smashing a snowman that kindergarten kids had built with a shovel.
“I am your Gu-mon teacher!”
Every time I swung my sword, one goblin went down. As I slaughtered the enemies almost effortlessly, the green brats finally noticed the difference in combat power. Their expressions gradually turned into complete morale collapse. The momentum of their attacks also clearly weakened. But I didn’t stop.
“—A good brat is a dead brat.”
Riding the wave of momentum, I swung the sword gripped in one hand in every direction. Thanks to my tremendous strength, I didn’t even need to hold it with both hands.
Thud!
Maybe I swung it too recklessly. The sword, now covered in fat and grime, got stuck in a goblin’s torso.
“Uh, oh shit.”
“Kyakak!! (Gonna kill!!)”
The instant I tried to pull the sword out, one goblin swung a stone axe at me. Fuck! There was no Gentric old man here to act as a human shield and save me at the golden moment!
“Paragon! I’m counting on your heals!”
I thrust out my left hand to block the incoming stone axe. It was an extremely irrational move. The hand is one of the weakest parts of the human body in terms of bones and joints. It wasn’t suitable for blocking a stone axe. I should have blocked it with the metal prosthetic on my arm! I had been so focused on getting healed that I chose the wrong response!
—Clang!
But it actually blocked it.
“Gyak?”
“Det?”
To be honest, right after I raised my hand to block, even I regretted it. I thought my hand bones would increase by 1.5 times from the impact. But the goblin’s stone axe was futilely stopped by the green mana coating my hand. There wasn’t the slightest pain or damage to the hand that blocked the attack.
“…Ah, I see. This also boosts defense.”
There is an Aesop’s fable called The Donkey in the Lion’s Skin. In that story, the protagonist donkey pretends to be a lion using a lion skin he obtained by chance. He deceives others and gains a mental advantage by imitating a lion, but he can’t hide his voice and ends up getting caught after letting out a “hee-haw.”
I was like a practical superior version of that donkey. Because I hadn’t just imitated—I had actually gained defensive and offensive power that surpassed a bear’s hide. Bears possess far superior defense compared to humans thanks to their thick skin and powerful muscles. There’s even a story from abroad about a martial arts master who punched a bear, only for the bear to think the person was just playing with it.
By the same logic, a stone axe made by a brat couldn’t pierce my mana-coated skin.
“Gyaaak!!”
At that moment, the goblin whose weapon was stuck in my hand kicked me. There was no damage this time either, but I was genuinely impressed that this guy even knew how to kick.
“Amazing. To think a mere goblin knows how to throw a kick.”
That’s why an exclamation of genuine admiration slipped out. Kicking is humanity’s exclusive secret technique. Even the primates closest to humans don’t kick. Monkeys and gorillas can walk on two legs, but they usually move on all fours. For creatures with all-fours movement as a passive trait, kicking has no meaning. Their hand and foot strength are nearly equal, after all.
Therefore, a true kick is the exclusive privilege of beings who have lived their entire lives walking on two legs. It is the power gained in exchange for humanity beginning to use “hands” instead of “front paws”! The essence of the technique delivered by the “two legs” that had to support and strengthen themselves to bear the body’s weight—that is the kick.
But this goblin lacked that “technique.”
“Kyakak!! (Gonna kill!!)”
Weak kicks continued to pound against my mana skin. The goblin’s kicks were truly the epitome of a brat. It was exactly like a white-belt toddler left at a Taekwondo dojo—the kind every Korean boy attends at least once during childhood.
“Pathetic.”
I felt genuine displeasure at the goblin’s clumsy imitation of a human kick. I could feel the blood of the Taekwondo boy inside me boiling at this petty kick. If these guys had truly been human brats, I would have had to scold them properly as the post-Vectorman hero. But goblins were ultimately nothing more than monsters. Therefore, I said:
“Green brat. A true kick is not like that.”
—Whoosh!
I grabbed the guy and hurled him into the air, then took the stance for a high kick while still holding my sword.
“I’ll show you the real thing.”
Behold.
“This is—”
The true.
“—‘kick.’”
—The secret technique explodes.
CRACK-CRACK-CRACK!!!!
“Gyaaaaak!!”
A spinning upper kick utilizing centrifugal force struck perfectly. The goblin’s spine bent sideways, and he flew several meters like that. His skin kept his torso from splitting in two. But his spine had already folded in half. It was a fatal injury that even if Hua Tuo stopped time and performed surgery, there would be no hope of revival.
“This is too horrific a sight for someone claiming to be an Earth warrior.”
A raw splatter scene with no CG whatsoever! It was a cruel sight that made my chest ache, but I showed no mercy. If I let these brats live, we would have ended up as the stars of a snuff film instead. There wasn’t the slightest guilt in my sense of justice!
“Die, all of you! This is the law of nature, the principle of survival of the fittest!!”
“Truly an excellent opinion!”
Right beside me, Paragon swung his staff like a club.
CRACK!!
The power of the stone staff was murderous. The goblins clutched the areas hit by the stone and rolled on the ground.
“Gyaaaaaaaak!!”
An indescribably sorrowful scream! Even getting hit with a switch hurts like hell, so getting your bones smashed with a rock must have left their entire bodies in ruins.
“Kuhahaha! Paragon, you fight ridiculously well! Are you sure you’re not a priest of the Hunting God or the God of Struggle?!”
Est also burst into wild laughter as she blocked the charging goblins’ attacks with her shield.
—Clang!
Stab!
She blocked their weapons with her shield to obstruct their vision, then stabbed with her short spear. It was an incredibly simple yet nearly impossible-to-counter combo. Unless they smashed the shield apart, there was no way to deal with that fighting style.
“Kkyak!! (Dangerous!!) Kkyak!! (Dangerous!!)”
“Yah!!”
“Kr— Gyak?!”
Meanwhile, a goblin trying to dodge near me was struck by Francesca’s hammer and died instantly. Her weapon was a hammer with a handle the length of a back-scratcher and a head shaped like a weight. At first glance it looked almost like a claw hammer, but contrary to its appearance, its lethality was off the charts. It really resembled its owner, Francesca, perfectly.
Splat!
When her dwarven bloodline-enhanced power was added, the goblin’s head shattered like tofu, spraying flesh everywhere. Oh shit. Francesca’s attacks looked the most painful by far.
“See? Dying by my hand is the least painful and best option, right?”
“Kya, kyaaaaak….”
The fleeing goblins. Thanks to my great performance and my party members’ support, the numerical difference between the green brats and us had long since been reversed. Now only three brats remained. And right now, one of those three had just died to Francesca’s claw-hammer weapon.
“Gyak….”
A green brat with a highway tunnel drilled through his head, his brain dam currently discharging! Thud!
The goblin facing me collapsed as his legs gave out.
“Gyuhk! Gyak! Gyak! Gyak! Gyak!”
Stab stab stab stab stab!!
While he was doing that, Est finished off the last remaining friend with her “You go first, Hawaii” combo, stabbing him in the stomach and sending him to the afterlife. Est fighting is seriously terrifying. I definitely shouldn’t mess with her.
Shiver shiver shiver.
And so the last goblin completely lost the will to fight. He screamed at me as if begging me not to come closer.
“Gyaaaaaaaaaaak! Gyaaaaaaaaaaak!!”
They were the ones who attacked first and tried to make us their prey, yet here they were acting like this. It was truly ridiculous.
I stood in front of him, holding a sword covered in melon-colored oil.
“Gya, gyak, gyak…!”
“—How unsightly.”
Seeing him even drop his weapon, I gave him a contemptuous look and muttered quietly.
“Kkyaku kyaah! (You not fight!) Krkluk! (Ugly!)”
“…Kkya! Kkyaruk kyaruruk? (You! Speak our language?)”
When I dubbed it in goblin speech for him, the guy’s mouth fell wide open. It was a perfectly normal reaction. What kind of crazy person in this world would study goblin language and actually converse with them? This was something only I could do.
For the sake of the brat’s honor, I deliberately provoked him. This was the mercy I was showing them. Even though they were a different race, as long as they were part of the brat community, I—the hero of children—couldn’t just abandon them.
“What are you doing? Are you actually talking to a goblin?”
“No, what are you talking about? It’s not like that at all.”
I played dumb with absolute conviction at my party member’s question. If I got caught chatting with monsters, I might be mistaken for a black mage—the otherworld version of a commie.
“I’m just babbling random sounds. Heh heh. Whatever meaning they take from it is none of my business.”
“You’re mocking them. How cruel.”
“Wipe the blue blood off your staff before you talk.”
“Ahem, ahem.”
Anyway, I couldn’t tolerate the way they attacked first and then tried to surrender whenever it suited them. With that in mind, I threw these words at the guy:
“—Don’t live on your knees. Stand up and die.”
The goblin language system had limits when it came to refined expressions, but I was sure the meaning got through.
“Kyarururuk….”
At that moment the goblin growled lowly. The groan he let out wasn’t language. It was a mutter filled with humiliation and rage. Anger toward us and an obsession with victory began to fill his voice.
Watching that sight, I nodded solemnly.
“—Come. Goblin who knows the honor of the Horde.”
“——Kyaaaaaaaaaak!!”
The goblin hero, awakened to honor and burning with rage, charged at me bravely—and—
“Brat cut.”
“Gyuhk.”
His skull went CRACK and shattered as he died.
“A lowly creature without human rights dares to mess with a human like me.”
Slump….
The goblin who died instantly and collapsed before my Bear Punch. I basked in the electrifying sensation of victory lingering at my fingertips and bathed in the sunlight shining down from the cave ceiling.
“Victory.”
It was truly an honorable battle.