Wizards Are Useless
Maybe it was fear of the unknown we were facing for the first time, but the party followed me forward in silence, not saying a word.
Then a nickname popped into my view.
Just one in sight, so probably a stray that lost its pack. I turned to the party right away.
"Something fishy on the front left. Tier, can you check it out?"
Seeing me spot something first made her focus even harder, and she turned her nose toward the direction I'd pointed.
"Yeah! Smells like beast stink. Goblin."
Maybe thanks to our fumbling around, the thing spotted us the moment we said "goblin." Its eyes went red as it shrieked.
"Kieeeek!"
True to form, no pack with it—the goblin charged straight at me, clutching a tiny stone knife in one hand, barreling like a total psycho.
I told them to watch the surroundings and stay alert while we formed up around me.
Even without a pack, its noise could draw others...
Unlike us on guard, the stray goblin—deprived of any outlet for its urges—came rushing with its pathetic little dick fully erect. I couldn't help clicking my tongue.
Fucking gross bastard... Any mangy mutt or pig-fucker.
The goblin swung its stone knife wildly as it closed in. No need to worry about that junk weapon, but I didn't want holes punched in my clothes, so I dropped low and thrust my spear-hand straight at its throat.
Squish!
"Krrrguk... Grrk."
My fingertips, supercharged by Iron Man, sliced smoothly into its windpipe, riding its own momentum. The cute snap of its tiny neck bones under my fingers. I hooked them and yanked hard—a crisp crack, and it flipped its eyes back, going limp.
Splat.
I shook off the sticky green blood from my hand and turned.
"Just in case, let's hold position here awhile. If another pack heard, they might swarm."
Just a goblin, but taking it down solo in one hit without their help lit a fire in their eyes—they were all sparkling with resolve.
Gonna have to stick to vital strikes for a while.
The game's monsters felt just like the real gates they were based on—familiar goblin strength. I could rip its limbs off easy if I wanted, but right now I'm rotten water hiding in clear streams. Gotta reveal strength bit by bit in crises to build favor.
Don't want them tiptoeing around me if I show off too soon.
Lucky thing: this world's one where killing monsters makes you stronger. The tower's party system kicked in—even though I got the kill, they were scanning themselves wide-eyed like it was magic. Won't need to fake weakness long.
We held position, watching. No more showed, so we relaxed for a break.
We'd burned time at the general store, and it was right around lunch. Just one goblin downed—by me alone—but the tension and dark-lurking terror had everyone sweating bullets.
Can't be helped.
I glanced at their mentally drained faces and spoke up.
"Looks like lunchtime anyway. Let's eat and rest. First day, better take it easy."
We'd just stiffened up from nerves, so I soothed the gloomy vibe and settled in.
They finally exhaled, leaning against the cave wall to unwind as I calmly wiped my hands and pulled out rations. I smirked and started chewing the jerky I'd prepped separately.
Tier saw it and wagged her tail, munching the chunk I'd slipped her that morning.
Fucking adorable.
True to elf form, Daphne stuck to dried fruits and veggies, nibbling away.
Leon alone had rock-hard tack from the trip here. Modern taste buds or whatever—his face cycled through every emotion as he chewed.
"Uh... Berg, mind sharing some?"
Couldn't stomach the garbage anymore, so shameless Leon begged for my jerky. Fat chance.
"Homemade, not much left. Gave the extras to Tier. Sorry."
He glanced at Tier after my flat refusal, but she'd scarfed it all already. He gave a bitter smile and shoved more charred cow-shit biscuit in his mouth.
"Guess no choice. Gotta stock better stuff next time."
His casual food whining sharpened Tier and Daphne's glares.
Idiot fuck.
From his spot at the world's center, his clueless barbs were ruthlessly tanking his favor without a shred of consideration.
Leon-sensei, Daphne's cheeks are puffing up!
Leon finally clocked the mood—or pretended to—and played it cool. Good thing his rations were so awful it bred sympathy, cooling the air quick.
We finished eating, felt recovered, and got up. Not here for pretend play, right?
Tier and Daphne had sharpened up after one scrap—high-rank vibes.
This guy's got no shot at improving.
Only Leon still looked dopey as we resumed cave delving.
Thud. Thud.
Even stepping quiet, footsteps thundered in my ears. How far did we go, hyper-focused on noise?
Suddenly the passage widened into a plaza. We ducked for cover fast.
"Kieek."
"Kiek!"
"Geek!"
About ten goblins in the plaza, huddled roasting bats and bugs on spits.
Don't poke a dog while it's eating—but these shits are worse than dogs. Preemptive strike wins.
"Leon, big one-shot possible?"
Only ranged in party: Daphne and Leon. She's support/healer, so mage Leon's turn.
My words lit up his face—he'd been lukewarm adventuring unlike the game. He nodded eagerly.
"Leave it to me!"
Mana gathered as he spoke. But it was mouse-turd sized.
Full of whatever misplaced confidence, he pointed his staff boldly.
"Air Bomb!"
No clue about surprise attacks—he bellowed like a moron.
The spell detonated smack in the goblin huddle.
Boom!
Air bomb from mana compression/expansion blew one goblin's head clean off. Shrapnel near-fatal'd two more nearby.
Pathetic for mage AoE.
So fucking weak.
We'd chanted and first-striked, but only three down? Sigh escaped me.
Tier and Daphne struggled to mask disappointment—mage firepower way underperformed.
Low-level squishy casters are dead weight here in reality.
Wait till he powers up? Hell no.
Endgame everyone's strong. Real world needs classes strong start-to-finish. Must be fantasy high.
""Kieeeek!!!""
Battle on as goblins spotted us, ignoring smug Leon.
"Undine!"
Daphne summoned water spirit to shield Leon and herself, scanning the field. Tier and I charged the pack.
I gave Tier a look and slowed a step. Sized her up at the feast, but talk's cheap.
I grinned back at her—she got the "show me what you got" vibe. Ears perked, she drew her twin blades.
Like a wolf in sheep, her flashing hair and blades whirled relentlessly. Trailing tail danced beautifully.
Goblins didn't appreciate—limbs hacked off in seconds, dying fast.
Her skill impressed me into a grin, but more shocking: her growth speed. Just three kills like Leon, but each one sped her blade subtly.
5-star growth is nuts...
I smirked at her cocky glance and leaped at the last four.
Too cute, this puppy strutting over goblins.
Grabbed a terror-struck goblin's throat—crushed it like tearing meat. Left it choking, spun and wrapped the arm of one swinging a stone knife from behind, impaled it into its own chest.
It toppled in confused panic.
Two down.
These quitters? Instant. Grinning, I launched again.