Dopamine (6)
Juhyuk didn't get angry with me. After hearing what I'd done on my own, he let out a small sigh, patted my head, and headed straight to the gym, saying he was already late. In the end, I spent another day alone at home like it was the weekend, and when he came back from work looking dead tired, I couldn't bring myself to ask him for anything. All we did was sleep together. …No matter how I thought about it, playing around too wildly with Hinami at the pension seemed to be the problem, but he looked so mentally exhausted that I couldn't bring it up. Having countless strangers you don't even know mention your name must be incredibly stressful. Even I used to feel sick to my stomach back in school whenever boys secretly rated my chest.
The one silver lining was that the next day a major political scandal broke, burying the unconfirmed idol dating rumor overnight. It was as if the story had never existed. The media outlet that posted the gossip article issued a correction and apology, but aside from Jia and Hinami's fans, no one even bothered to look it up. In the end, the only thing left from that ridiculous incident was the fact that I was dating Juhyuk spreading across the internet. My YouTube channel got a mix of comments saying we looked good together and others threatening to unsubscribe, but the subscriber count actually went up—probably thanks to the noise marketing. On top of that, my Instagram, which already attracted plenty of guys hitting on me, started getting flooded with DMs from men covered in nothing but muscle, and strangely enough, Juhyuk's side saw an increase in women clinging to him too. Plenty of them claimed they'd been fans since forever or that they'd missed him, sending heavily edited photos in tight clothes. Some even blatantly sent pictures of their chests to seduce him. Just like the guys who send me dick pics.
"…This girl's chest looks pretty nice."
"You think you're any different?"
Juhyuk, who had decided to take the day off after dealing with the rumors all day at the gym, snatched his phone out of my hands while pretending not to be curious. He stared at the photo that had come through DM, then suddenly lifted my tank top to compare sizes and let out a small laugh.
"…She'd have to photoshop it twice as big to even come close to yours."
"You were acting so tired yesterday."
"I really was tired. Thought I was gonna die."
"You feeling better today?"
"Better than yesterday."
While naturally handling me yet still complimenting me, I grabbed Juhyuk's wrist and placed his hand on my chest so he could touch me however he wanted. His earlier smile turned into an even more shameless grin. He sat me on his lap on the sofa and started properly kneading my breasts. It wasn't much different from just touching flesh, yet his touch felt strangely erotic and reassuring at the same time. Maybe it was because his thick hands were supporting the sagging mass of fat that would normally droop without a bra. Or maybe it was because he wouldn't leave my side while touching me like this. Maybe both.
"…I missed this all weekend. What did you do?"
"If there's no watermelon, you eat an apple."
"Hers is a bit bigger than an apple, isn't it?"
"Hers just means it's sour. …Yours is sweeter."
"Sour" didn't seem quite right— "fresh" would have fit better—but I didn't bother saying it out loud. That was the one thing I lost to her in. I kept my weakness hidden and kept flaunting my strengths, gently rubbing my thighs against him to lift his mood. Since we were both in shorts, the skin contact would be more effective.
"Don't like sweet things?"
"I like sweet stuff."
"How much?"
"Enough that I never get tired of it no matter how much I eat."
Even though he always recoiled at the sight of dessert, the way he said that without even wetting his lips was so cheeky that I coated his mouth with saliva instead. I turned my body slightly and gave him a very light kiss without using my tongue. He laughed again, squeezed my chest hard, pulled his left hand out from under my slipped tank top, picked up his phone, and looked back at the DM he'd been checking earlier.
"…This one got a little boring after a while."
"What?"
"She was someone I used to date. …Third or fourth one, I think. I heard she got a boyfriend so I cut her off. She probably remembered me after seeing the article. Before I got hurt, she used to send pictures like that even after getting a boyfriend."
"…I see."
His past stories that I didn't really want to hear. …But his stories that I was dying to know.
"…Then who was the first one?"
"She was about eight years older than me? Long limbs. Small chest. Good skin. Her face wasn't that pretty, but she looked charming with makeup. Ah, I was pretty young back then so I got led around a lot."
"You did?"
"I was your sister's age at the time. It's not like I was good at it from the start."
"Mmm…"
It was his old private life that I was better off not knowing, but the fact that he told me everything without hesitation was something I liked. Unlike men, women were creatures who could overlook a man's past relationships to some degree. Of course, not everyone was like that, but… I was. On the other hand, if I broke up with Juhyuk and dated some other guy and told him about Juhyuk, he'd probably act like it was nothing on the surface but lose interest in me. I could tell from the way people commented that they felt betrayed after seeing someone they didn't even know. That's why I wanted to be possessed by him even more. No matter what man I met in the future, none of them could entangle me as deeply as he had from the very beginning.
"Then who's the second one?"
"…I don't really remember."
"What? Why are you dodging the question now?"
"No, I really don't remember. When the first girl dumped me, my mental state was pretty messed up. I met a few similar girls, slept with them a couple times, and broke up, so it's all fuzzy."
"Didn't you say you only dated girls who were into your body?"
"…The first one only dated me for my body. After that, it was mutual—just bodies."
"This girl doesn't seem like she only dated you for your body. The way she's still hung up on you…"
The DM I'd thought was just desperate flirting actually read like a love letter once I knew the context. It was her way of saying she'd liked him before and wanted to meet again, metaphorically. Just like how his first girlfriend had approached him only for his body but he hadn't felt the same, he thought he'd approached this girl only for her body, but it hadn't been that way for her. Thinking that made the girl sending DMs with her chest out seem a little pitiful. …I could be loved without doing things like that. In fact, he was desperate to do that kind of thing to me. Even when he was just a shut-in, he wanted me—not some young, pretty idol like Hinami. …Pfft.
"No. She really did only date me for my body. She got a boyfriend while she was seeing me."
"What, maybe that was her thing? You've got a bit of that taste too, you know. …You get more excited when it's a famous girl."
"…"
I soothed Juhyuk, whose mouth had snapped shut after my jab, snatched the phone from him, and shoved the image tab—now plastered with my photos—right in front of his face. While he kept kneading around my chest without touching the center on purpose, I laced my fingers with the back of his hand and slowly moved it to the right spot.
"…I'm pretty famous now too."
"…Still not as famous as me, right?"
"Well, you're the first baseball player in the world to retire and then get caught in a dating scandal with an idol."
"Not the first in the world."
"First among people who retired at twenty-six?"
"…Don't touch that."
When his fingerprint lightly brushed against my nipple, I smiled at him as he squeezed my chest hard with a hint of anger, then slowly pulled down my dolphin shorts. Hearing the elastic catch on my hips before snapping down to my thighs, he set his phone aside and hooked his fingers into my underwear.
"Why? …Want to fuck me like old times?"
"Can't do it like old times. Neither you nor I are the same."
"…Because it was rape back then?"
"…Yeah."
…An honest, straightforward answer—so stupidly upright. What was he going to do if I suddenly came to my senses and used those words as evidence to report him? Ah, come to think of it, it didn't matter. There was already more than enough evidence to sue him on his computer. There were probably videos of him getting me drunk and tearing my hymen while I had my face buried in a pillow. Since he'd committed such a terrifying crime, his punishment was to stay by my side until he died. I didn't want to become a woman who got used and thrown away. …Like my mom.
"Then do you want to rape me today too? …I'm a rising YouTuber these days. Look at this. When you search my name, I come up a lot now, right? Don't these people all look desperate to fuck me too?"
"There isn't a single guy who wouldn't think that when he sees you."
"Right? That's why every single person who left a comment was cursing you. Talking about how the world is this and society is that. They must be dying of jealousy. …But look at this? The women are pretty jealous of me too. You're not super handsome, but you've got the kind of looks that some people want, right? And your body's good."
"…These people aren't jealous of you. They're just saying nice things about us because the rumor about me and your sister turned out to be fake. They're mocking the people who used to shit on your sister."
"…Really?"
I showed him more comments where women were making a fuss saying they were jealous of us, trying to boost his ego, but strangely enough he kept a cool expression and interpreted the comments plainly. These people weren't interested in us—they were interested in Seo Jia and Hinami. They weren't praising how well we matched; they were mocking the girls who had attacked an innocent person with weird rumors. It made sense when I heard it, but it was a little pitiful how he couldn't take people's reactions at face value. …Though it was partly his own fault.
"So what. …I admit you're great, okay?"
"…What about me is so great?"
"You're clean. Good body. Diligent. Responsible. …Though you're kind of trash in bed."
"I'm not that diligent."
"You went to work yesterday."
"I'm resting today."
"Resting my ass. You spent the whole day cleaning, didn't you?"
"That's just something I do anyway."
I wanted him to accept people's goodwill more honestly, so I turned around, hugged him tight, and showered him with sugary words. Clean, but dirty in bed. Good body, but his shoulder was actually ruined. Diligent, but he was a shut-in before he met me. Responsible, but he'd never consider being responsible for just one person. To the trash in our house.
"…Hmph."
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Making a mess."
Acting spoiled, I kicked the tumbler on the table with my foot and spilled water all over the clean wooden floor.
"Are you a kid?"
"What part of me looks like a kid? My chest? My face?"
I looked at him with a vein slightly popping on his forehead and sneered at him with a face full of mischief.
"…Get down. I need to wipe it up."
"Don't wanna. I make more money than you, so why should I listen to you—ack…!"
"Get down. Now."
I threw a tantrum like I was ten years younger, struggling to get scolded, only stopping after he left a clear bite mark on my shoulder. Then I sat on the sofa and watched him wipe the floor. …Seriously, you're still not going to do it? What the hell did you do at the pension over the weekend…
"…Go change your clothes and wait for me."
"…Pfft."
…But in the end, thanks to Juhyuk revealing his true colors because he couldn't hold back, I couldn't stop myself from giggling either. Just as I was about to get up from the sofa, wondering what outfit he'd like while he cleaned the floor—whether he'd get mad and scold me—
"…"
On the TV, which was playing cable news out of habit, my name and photo flashed by for a second.
"Never mind, …sit down."
"…Why?"
"…Bend over."
After watching the short gossip segment pass in less than ten seconds, he tossed the tissue he'd been using to wipe the floor, lifted me up, made me bend over the sofa, and left my half-removed dolphin shorts as they were while tugging down my half-removed underwear. He also picked up the phone he'd thrown aside earlier. …Probably searching my name again.