Secret Account (2)
After that day, nothing much had changed. On the surface, I kept up with my schedule diligently. The moment I got home, I’d collapse and fiddle with my phone. The only difference was that I’d cut back on gaming time. …For the first time in years, I dipped my toes into something I’d avoided like the plague.
Ego-searching.
“…Hah.”
It was the first time I’d ever seen comments this raw. The worst hate I’d encountered before were the replies under articles. Even the sexual harassment was limited to comments on fancams. But once I dove into the abyss and saw what people were actually saying, “disgusting” didn’t even begin to cover it. The sheer volume made the guy from the other day seem almost normal by comparison.
Under a ridiculous post that read, “If you had a sister like this, what would you even do at night?” someone had uploaded my photo. The flood of replies—“Instant niece acquired,” “Give me some”—was so absurd I couldn’t help but laugh.
The people arguing with Hwang Suah yesterday at least had a clear goal. What the hell were these people even trying to accomplish? Out of pure curiosity, I commented without logging in: “What the fuck are you guys doing?” Strangely, my comment got pushed straight to the next page with zero responses.
That annoyed me enough to raise the stakes. I typed, “What are you perverts even doing?” Still nothing. I cranked it up further, typing “You brain-dead bastards have no standards” before the sheer patheticness of it all hit me and I deleted the whole thing.
…What was the point of fighting with these idiots? There was no winning or losing here.
There was only one way to shut these lunatics up online. The same thing she had done last time—prove you’re on an entirely different level so they can’t even open their mouths. It wasn’t impossible for me. In fact, it would be easier. Just one photo and it’d be over.
The only problem was that, unlike her, I was far too famous.
“….”
So instead, on my secret account with zero followers, I posted a meaningless close-up of my own hand. No one would see it. Even if someone did, they’d have no idea it was me. Just like she had done yesterday, I flipped off the camera.
“Hah… haha…”
The post got zero views, but slipping it in among all those vile, hateful comments made the same rush of exhilaration bloom in my chest.
…This was fun.
The suffocating frustration that had been eating at me ever since I found out about that guy’s situation eased dramatically. I finally understood how that person must have felt shouting “The king has donkey ears!” into the bamboo grove. Feeling lighter, I wrote one more post in my private bamboo forest.
A sentence I could never say out loud. The words I thought every time I did a fan meeting, every time I signed an autograph, every time I shook hands. I tossed them into the bamboo grove where no one would ever know it was me.
Feeling strangely refreshed, I pulled the blanket over my head and fell asleep properly for the first time in weeks. Just as they didn’t know me, they would never imagine this was who I really was.
**
…I felt like I was going to die.
Partly from running too hard last weekend. Partly from the backlash of suddenly working again after doing nothing. But mostly, the stress of not knowing when the landlord might come after us again was worse than I’d expected. If she’d already snuck into my room and gone through my computer, she should have done something by now. The fact that she’d stayed quiet for over a week even after being sick for a few days was oddly unsettling. Maybe her goal really had just been to give me a headache.
“You okay?”
“Just a little tired.”
“…Then lift your head a bit.”
The moment I got home and flopped onto the sofa, exhausted, Ha-eun—who had already showered—sat beside me and pulled my head onto her lap. Her soft thigh pressed against the back of my head while her gentle hand stroked my hair.
…These moments were the only time I could exist without thinking about anything. It felt good. But because someone hated this relationship, I couldn’t enjoy it in peace.
“…Is your sister okay now?”
“Probably? Haven’t heard anything.”
Unlike me, Ha-eun had stopped worrying about her sister at some point. She didn’t look tired. She didn’t seem stressed. If anything, she’d gotten more affectionate. She was the picture of a healthy life.
…I was tempted to just drop the whole revenge thing and compromise. It wasn’t even grand enough to call revenge in the first place. The other side had simply shown clear malice, trying to drown me. I just couldn’t sit back and take it.
“Anyway, if you’re going to shower, do it now. We need to eat dinner.”
“Just a little longer like this.”
“What do you mean, ‘like this’? Like this, like this.”
“I’m saying I want to rest while touching your thigh.”
“You pervert, seriously.”
…I didn’t know how my life had ended up like this. Not that it was bad. It had been pretty spectacular, actually. When I debuted, I never thought I’d retire this fast. When I retired, I never thought I’d end up living this luxuriously. If I hadn’t gotten injured, I’d probably still be grinding away, throwing balls with a wrecked shoulder. If I’d just endured that one month, maybe I would’ve been traded to a popular team, taken some criticism, received some praise, and become famous.
Even though I had no real complaints about my current life—aside from that woman getting in the way—I still sometimes wished I could’ve lived that other life. My baseball career had ended too soon, before I could burn through all my passion. It would be a lie to say I didn’t feel any regret.
“Oh, right. Your fans have increased lately.”
“On YouTube?”
“No. At the gym. About half the members seem to come just to see you.”
“Nah, no way.”
I missed being worshipped by fans too. That was something even they could never fully satisfy. The thrill of hundreds, thousands of spectators chanting my name. The satisfaction of tens of thousands booing me only to fall silent after one of my pitches. All of it had been fun. Even someone like Hinami probably didn’t understand the latter kind of thrill.
Maybe my fetishes had twisted this far because of those experiences. Watching videos of batters striking out and crumbling in despair, laughing at the people cursing me. Gaining confidence from the cheers. When I watched videos of myself breaking and violating them, I could freely mock the people who would definitely curse me if it ever leaked. The sense of superiority toward those who would feel envy was more refreshing than I could have imagined.
…That was why I couldn’t easily forgive that woman for trying to destroy me even in this situation.
“…Hey, Juhyuk.”
“What.”
“I’ve been wondering about this for a while but never asked… because I thought it might be uncomfortable.”
“I don’t have parents.”
“….”
…I’d reached this point by handling everything alone. I didn’t even know who my father was, and I couldn’t remember when my mother abandoned me. The result of struggling to survive was this. I’d realized early on that I was an inconvenient existence, so I lived trying not to offend my uncle. He wasn’t a bad person—he never actively tried to hurt me—but raising his younger sister’s abandoned child must have been a hassle. He didn’t know how to treat me either, so he just made sure I never lacked money. Thanks to that, I could play baseball without any shortcomings.
“I lived with my uncle’s family instead. …I had a cousin sister and brother too.”
“…What about now?”
“After I became independent, we stopped contacting each other.”
Unlike my uncle, my cousins were similar to me, so I didn’t have many good memories. Not many bad ones either, but… there were some. I hadn’t seen them in a while, and I probably wouldn’t again unless someone had a grand wedding.
“…Sorry for asking something unnecessary.”
“It’s fine. You were going to find out eventually anyway.”
“Yeah… you’re right.”
Not many people in this world knew about my family situation. At most, a few close seniors. I never told my peers or juniors because I didn’t want their pity. None of the women I’d dated before were close enough for me to share something like this either.
…So she was the first person I’d ever shown this side of myself to—the part I never wanted to reveal to a woman.
“Anyway, go take a shower. I’ll make dinner.”
“Just a little longer.”
“…Okay.”
She was also the first person who ever made me angry enough to lash out at the agency. The first to treat me like an idiot while harboring malice. Maybe, in some other world, she would’ve been my first experience too. We never met, but we were classmates. If I’d known her back then, I definitely would’ve asked her out. We got along surprisingly well now, so maybe we would’ve dated young. Our compatibility wouldn’t have been any different back then.
“…Seriously. Looking at you like this, you’re just big but still a kid.”
“I find it ridiculous every time I hear that from you.”
“What?”
“You forget how much you whine every morning when you wake up?”
“Young people are supposed to sleep in more, you idiot.”
“Whatever, whiner.”
If that kind of life had existed, maybe she and I could’ve lived normally too. I would’ve taken care of my shoulder, hit it big as a free agent, and lived as a successful franchise player for one team. She might have become a wonderful wife as well.
Well… it wasn’t impossible even now.