Weakness (3)
I feel so languid. Both Haeun unnie and Juhyuk oppa left for work ages ago. I tried throwing a little tantrum, asking if I could tag along, but they shot me down because their jobs are what they are. I’m already sick of crouching here, hugging the blanket and watching the washing machine tumble round and round. …How long has it been since I had a life where I could rest today and still rest tomorrow? Ever since the restrictions of being a minor were lifted and I got slapped with the “adult” label, it’s been one schedule after another that completely ignores labor laws and human rights.
Honestly, if I didn’t dump all my stress on my days off, I’d probably lose my mind halfway. That’s why I used to turn to vapes, alcohol… and masturbation. But now that I have Juhyuk oppa, maybe I don’t need any of that anymore. I press down firmly on my lower belly where a little of his cum is still left, then suddenly jump up and slip into oppa’s room.
“…It smells really good.”
The air is so refreshingly clean it’s hard to believe it’s a man’s room. I’ve never actually been inside one before, so I have nothing to compare it to. At least after doing all those dirty things with Juhyuk oppa, this is nothing like that lewd smell. The room itself is almost brutally plain, with barely anything in it, but that very emptiness somehow feels neat and pleasing.
I sit on the bed, grab a random book from the nightstand, flop onto my stomach, and examine the cover.
“Oh, this…”
The author is someone I know all too well. It’s a little surprising that oppa reads Japanese writers, but the man is incredibly famous, so it isn’t that strange. The story… I read it back in middle school, so I remember it vaguely. Everything except the erotic parts has been completely wiped from my memory, though.
…Maybe I should read it again.
“Mmm…”
I flip through the pages, reading the text with a detached feeling. The characters have become as familiar as hiragana by now. It hits me how long I’ve lived here. And the way I unconsciously translate the original sentences in my head makes me realize I can never truly hide my identity.
…After I graduate from being an idol, maybe it would be better to take oppa and live in Japan. It would be nice if Haeun unnie came along too. And Jia… I want to meet her often whenever I have time.
“Ah…. that’s right. This part.”
Lost in random thoughts while reading, fragments of memory buried somewhere in my brain slowly resurface. The male narrator and protagonist. I don’t remember what he looked like, but he was a cool type. His friend. A male supporting character who appeared briefly and then died. That friend’s childhood companion and lover. She had always been quiet, but after her friend died she turned into a total mess. …And while the protagonist comforted her, he ended up sleeping with her. She was even a virgin.
“…”
In my innocent days I simply thought, Wow, they’re doing sexy stuff in a novel! and felt it was straightforwardly erotic. Reading it now, it feels far more obscene than I remembered.
…To seduce his dead friend’s girlfriend and steal her first time. Well, since the friend is dead there’s no moral issue, but I still can’t help the strange tightness in my chest. What kind of feeling is this, exactly? It’s like if I died while dating oppa, and then Jia, who was suffering because of it, ended up comforting him and sleeping with him? …Ah, no. It actually fits Haeun unnie better.
As I keep turning the pages with soft flips, more characters appear. Some are funny, some are complete trash. Then the heroine I had forgotten about shows up, and she feels more like me. Unlike me she isn’t a virgin, but she’s energetic and loves dirty things. I think she was the one the protagonist ended up with, and I like that too. But what was the reason again….
“…”
The more I read, the more the ending came back to me. It left me in a bad mood for no reason, so I closed the book.
…There are way too many deaths. The friend dies right at the start. The ex-girlfriend who slept with the protagonist dies too. Even the senior’s girlfriend dies. I wondered why I had forgotten the plot of such a famous novel, but it seems the bitter aftertaste made me forcibly erase it from my mind. Only the erotic parts had stayed behind.
“Haah…”
Is it because the sex earlier was too intense? Or because the book I just read was so dark and heavy? For some reason, being alone feels strangely lonely. I used to spend almost all my days off by myself. …I can’t even remember how I used to pass that time anymore.
Because the games I play with oppa are so satisfying. I find myself hoping they never break.
“…”
That time I left my phone behind and got caught by Jia while showering. I slightly regret not being more careful. Logically, there was no way she would stay quiet after finding out. Even before she knew about us, she was already throwing a fit about wanting to drive oppa out. Well, there’s no point regretting it now that it can’t be undone. Jia upstairs… I have no choice but to drag her in at this point. That girl. If something catches her eye in the wrong way, she always cleans it up completely.
“…When are they coming back?”
I sprawl out on the bed, imagining Jia on the floor above, then picture oppa and unnie lined up neatly beside her. It feels incredibly awkward, but that only makes it more erotic. I even imagine the two sisters biting their nails with anxious expressions, secretly watching me receive oppa’s love.
…Hehe. It’s fun. Hundreds of times more fun than working from dawn until night the day after tomorrow.
“Haah…”
When will this hellish contract finally end…? Making so much money makes it hard to just quit. It’s far better than being unpopular, so I can’t complain. And if I whine about how hard it is, everyone except the fans curses me out. It’s too much. Just because I earn well doesn’t mean it’s not exhausting. All that criticism is exactly why I have no choice but to act cute and beg oppa to stroke me, right?
…Ah, is this what they were aiming for? The public is nothing but people who want celebrities to fall from grace. Even while filming me losing my virginity they made me feel it so intensely I came over and over, and now they’ve completely corrupted me into an idol who moans like an idiot every time I take a creampie during threesomes. So I guess you can call it a success. Clap, clap clap clap. Applause, pat pat pat.
Someday, to repay the expectations of those kind-hearted anti-fans, I’ll show them the true face of the fallen Nakazawa Hinami. …Assuming the contract ends, of course. Money is important, after all.
“…”
Ever since I met oppa, I stand on our ridiculously high veranda where my feet still tremble, praising myself for no longer wanting to hold a vape between my lips while staring outside. I wrap myself tightly in the blanket drenched in oppa’s scent, wearing nothing but a t-shirt soaked in his fragrance, and wait obediently until the two of them return.
…If this life collapses, I might start looking beyond the veranda again.
This is for Hinami. It’s for me too, and for our group. But more than anything, I hate the thought of my friend being tied to a man like that the most.
“…Haah.”
The fact that I searched the internet, which doesn’t suit me at all. It’s all for that reason. The fact that I looked up the personal details of a mere gym part-timer. It’s not for any bad purpose. …The bad one isn’t me. It’s that man.
“…”
After digging into the woman I absolutely had to recruit, I obtained more information than I expected. Her name… well, actually. I secretly overheard the trainers talking while I was on the treadmill. I found the account named Hwang Suah right away among that man’s Instagram followers. Unfortunately, unlike most girls her age, she barely used Instagram. Instead she tweeted with the same username.
…When I looked into it, I realized she had a similar vibe to Hinami. She likes games, anime… that sort of thing. On top of that, I found her endlessly cursing about baseball. …And mixed in with all that were plenty of curses aimed at my father.
“…This won’t be hard at all.”
Thanks to my long friendship with Hinami, I already knew exactly what kind of things people like her enjoyed. …They get excited the moment you pretend to know about the things they like. I’ve tried a few mobile games Hinami recommended. Most of them were awful because the female characters dressed far too vulgarly, but one or two were decent enough to kill time and I actually enjoyed them. And this woman happens to be playing exactly that game.
Moreover, she’s a fan of my father’s team. Even though she posted a ton of curses at him on Twitter, forming a sense of camaraderie as fans of the same club isn’t difficult at all.
…Honestly, becoming friends with her is no big deal. Approach her as if by coincidence. Chat naturally, subtly drop shared interests, make up excuses to invite her to meals, share hobbies, and that’s it. Once we’re close and I’ve made her completely my ally….
“…”
That man. While endlessly praising him. There’s no way he would reject a woman sending him affection, whether he’s in heat as usual, drunk, or… even if I deliberately create the situation. If he sleeps with her as expected, then from that point on, slowly… I just have to wait. As long as I keep the story from leaking out, I don’t need to do anything more. There’s no need for me to personally expose that filthy, vulgar private life of his. He’ll notice eventually. At least one of the three will definitely feel betrayed. Toward the man who keeps adding more women, they’ll begin to harbor suspicion instead of affection. A relationship that has once been shaken will never return to its original state, and it will never end cleanly.
Already on that man’s phone. On Hinami’s phone. …Even on my own phone. There are plenty of records of Kang Juhyuk’s misdeeds. All the things he considers trophies until now, the moment that sandcastle-like relationship collapses… they will all become evidence. There’s no need to prepare any more bullets. Not to put a leash on a vulgar, utterly filthy man like this.