How the Rank 0 Chef Survives 091: Splash Splash

As they headed northeast, the temperature dropped steadily. They'd long left the desert behind and were now deep in a cool coniferous forest.

"Huff— huff—"

I stared at the Crying Priest's broad back as he strode ahead. Luckily, he was only partially mad. Meaning, outside of battle—and as long as he wasn't crying—he was perfectly normal. In fact, he was incredibly gentle and gentlemanly. A nicely crazy guy, you could say.

Mm. Yeah, nicely crazy fits.

"Hah— huff—"

Panting, I glanced up through the jagged pine trees. The sun was already high in the sky. Gurgle— My stomach roared in hunger.

"Huff— hah— Priest."

"Yes? You called?"

The Crying Priest turned with perfect composure. He was deliberately matching my pace; otherwise, he'd have been way out of sight by now.

"Huff… How about a short break? It's about mealtime anyway."

"Hm… Already that time, is it?"

The Crying Priest gazed at the sun overhead, then marched off into the woods.

"Priest! Where are you going?!"

"Oh, just grabbing a deer or something. Rest up a bit."

"Okay…"

I flopped down on a rock. "Aigoo, I'm dying here."

"Here, have some water, Master."

"Thanks." I gulped down the water Geum Taeyang handed me.

"Haaah… Master. We resting before we go?"

Tteoksoon-i, who'd been lagging behind, asked breathlessly.

"Yeah. We'll eat first."

"Huaaaah…"

She collapsed flat on the ground like a starfish.

"Here."

I tossed her a bottle of spring water from Geum Taeyang. She flailed to catch it.

"Ow!"

It smacked her right on the head and hit the dirt.

"…Can't you catch one bottle?"

"I let my guard down…"

Geum Taeyang picked it up and poured it straight into Tteoksoon-i's mouth. Gulp gulp gulp.

"Pbbbt."

She chugged it down fine, then promptly used the rest to ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠wash her face.

"S-Senior! You did that on purpose!"

"Haha, feels refreshing, right?"

Good thing these two got along so well.

…Wait, didn't my sister pull that on me once?

Thud thud—

I turned at the sound of footsteps. The Crying Priest was already back, a deer slung over his shoulder.

"Oh. Caught one already?"

"Got lucky—one was right up ahead."

"Ah, I'll handle the cooking."

"No need. I'll do it, so rest up, Hura."

"What? No way a chef like me can sit that out. Hand it over."

"I'm pretty good at it. Trust me, just this once."

He insisted so stubbornly that I ended up just watching the priest cook like a bump on a log.

The Crying Priest skinned it with practiced ease, gutted it, salted the meat lightly, skewered it, and roasted it over the fire, turning it round and round.

"Here, dig in."

He passed out the finished venison.

"Thanks for the meal."

Geum Taeyang and Tteoksoon-i bowed politely and each took a piece.

Chew chew—

"……."

The taste… reminded me of that rabbit I grilled for Beda once. Salty in spots, bland in others, burnt here, underdone there.

"How is it? Edible, right?"

"Yeah…"

Geum Taeyang and Tteoksoon-i—spoiled by my cooking—picked at it halfheartedly. Meanwhile, the priest chowed down like it was gourmet.

"Um, Priest."

"Yes."

"Anything else you're craving? I'm getting bored just sitting here."

He pondered, then said, "Ah… Can you make tteokbokki?"

"Of course."

"Heard so much hype about how good it is—gotta try it."

"One sec."

Tteokbokki? Piece of cake. I made it daily in-game and real life, so I was basically a master at it.

"Summon."

I pulled out the Moonlight Frying Pan and whipped it up in a flash. Didn't forget the white powder finish.

"Try it."

Heh heh. Unforgettable taste incoming, Priest.

But his reaction was… underwhelming.

"Mm~ Indeed. No wonder it's so popular."

"…That's it?"

"Pardon?"

"N-nothing."

No way.

No Cooking Charm notification in my skill window either.

"Ah, you summons should have some too."

The priest offered it to Geum Taeyang and Tteoksoon-i, who were drooling.

They glanced at me.

…Nod.

I nodded reluctantly. Only then did they start scarfing it down.

"……."

I eyed the Crying Priest. He watched them devour it—sauce smeared on his own mouth—with a fond smile.

My glare sharpened.

Hey, you.

That's not how it works.

Why share it? You should be bawling your eyes out over how good it is.

Then glare greedily and hog it all.

Say no one else can have any, stuff your face till you burst!

Steal their shares too, like ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Molrangkau did!

He noticed my stare and turned. "Ah, Hura. They're done, so shall we head out?"

"…Sure."

I growled.

"……? Alright, let's go then."

"Whatever."

I tilted my head, glaring at the priest's retreating back.

Picky palate, huh, Priest?

Grind— Just you wait.

I'll give you an experience you'll never forget.

Make you cry your eyes out.

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

How dare you share my cooking? Lick the plate clean next time!

"Heh heh heh…"

Before delicious food, all that courtesy and sharing is just facade. I'll shatter it.

Make you ravenous, selfish for it.

Turn you into a demon honest with your desires—at least for food.

"Hah… heh heh… heh heh heh heh…"

A sinister chuckle slipped out.

"M-Master…"

"It's fine."

Geum Taeyang grabbed Tteoksoon-i's shoulder and shook his head.

"Eek…"

She bit her lip and looked away, like she couldn't bear to watch.

Hey, am I the villain here?

Nimal Village. A barren desert hamlet of sand and stone.

Pop—

In the village square, Blood Axe Thrower respawned. He shuddered, then bellowed.

"HURAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

Villagers nearby flinched.

"I'll kill you yet, you bastard!!!"

Unable to contain his rage, he pounded the ground. Snorting, he stormed off somewhere.

Striding with murderous intent—don't mess with me or die.

Something bumped his shoulder.

"Whoa!"

An old lady carrying fruit on her head toppled into him. Fruits tumbled everywhere.

Blood Axe Thrower scowled. "Crazy old hag. Watch where you're going!"

"Aigoo, young man! Why'd you do that?!"

"You bumped into me and now you're bitching?!"

Murmurs—

A crowd gathered.

"What're you staring at? Wanna die?!"

He feigned a swing with his axe; the crowd scattered.

"Aigoo, what a waste."

The lady lamented as she gathered her fruits.

"Ptoo! Ruined my mood."

He spat and stomped off.

"Aigoo."

She packed her basket, glaring resentfully at his back. Once he was gone, her face hardened. She pressed her earpiece.

…….

Dim interior. A building with blacked-out windows.

Tap tap tap—

Gwisinigo Kalroli hammered the keyboard, eyes scanning the screen through her round glasses. Green code and Nimal Village ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠maps whizzed by.

Tap tap tap—

Mid-keystroke, a signal crackled.

Gwisinigo Kalroli issued orders instantly.

Soon.

"HQ here. B-Team, target confirmed?"

"Then…"

Gwisinigo Kalroli grinned wickedly. Her glasses gleamed ominously.

"Skewer the [Tteok] on [Skewer]."

Gwisinigo Kalroli chuckled lowly, delighted.

"Heh heh heh…"

Her screen showed Blood Axe Thrower, surrounded by the Tteokbokki-dan, looking panicked.

Splash splash—

The Crying Priest led the way, claiming he knew the path to Harten. I quickened my pace to walk beside him.

"Ahem."

"……?"

"Priest."

"Yes."

"Any favorite foods?"

Tastes vary wildly. What A raves about, B might hate. C splurges on something D calls trash. Tastes are subjective—that's why chefs chase the "universal appeal."

Researching to hit as many palates as possible.

My tteokbokki had been a crowd-pleaser so far. But this guy? An outlier.

To conquer him, I needed to snipe his tastes.

Recon first.

"Favorite foods?"

"Yes."

He tilted his head. "Hm… I like mala tang."

"And?"

"Chicken feet, tteokbokki too."

"Hmm…"

"Ah, spicy gopchang."

Mala tang, chicken feet, tteokbokki, spicy gopchang…

"You like spicy stuff, huh?"

"Yes. I love spicy food."

"Heh heh heh… Got it."

"……? Ah, okay."

I fell back a step, fiddling with my lips. Recipe locked in my head.

Heh heh… Good.

See you at dinner, Priest.

…….

Splash splash—

The sun dipped west, tinting yellow.

"Priest. Let's eat."

"Yes. Sounds good."

He ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠stopped, glancing west.

"I'll cook—you gather firewood."

"Didn't you use the burner earlier?"

"Bonfire's got more vibe."

"True. Be right back."

"Sure."

Priest headed into the woods. I gathered Geum Taeyang and Tteoksoon-i.

"Set up eating spot."

"Yes, Master."

Meanwhile, I pulled out a basin, filled it with clear water from the Crested Dragon Horn. Added Desert Rose.

Sand husk peeled away; pure mana rippled.

I caressed it like soothing a baby, envisioning one thing.

Super spicy peppers!

"Heh heh heh…"

I scooped them up proudly. Made him fetch wood for the bonfire? For this.

Splash splash—

Priest returned with an armful.

"This enough?"

"Yes. Plenty."

Geum Taeyang and Tteoksoon-i had cleared a spot; I stacked the wood and lit it.

Bonfires are tricky to control, but Moonlight Frying Pan had me covered.

"What're you making?"

"Tteokbokki."

"We had that at lunch."

"This one's different."

"Is it?"

"Of course heh heh…"

"……."

Whipped it up with familiar motions. Difference? Piled in Nature's Fiery Pepper—chopped generously. My face stung from the fumes.

"Here, try it."

"Alright… Thanks for the meal."

Priest popped a piece in. Chewed thoughtfully.

Then, moments later.

"……!"

His eyes bulged. Face turned beet red. Steam practically poured from nose and ears.

"To your taste?"

Crash—

So good he toppled backward. Writhed and rolled on the ground.

I watched, arms crossed, satisfied.

"Heh heh heh… Looks like you love it."

After an eternity of rolling, he stilled.

…Dead?

Heh heh… That's more like it!

My win!

I clenched my fist and threw an uppercut at the air.

Then, dirt-caked priest shot up. Panting like a dog, tongue lolling.

"How's the taste?"

I smirked victoriously, question loaded with double meaning.

His eyes sparkled. "Oh my! This is exactly my style!"

His word choice made my eyebrow twitch.

"…'Oh my?'"

"Oops."

The burly middle-aged priest clapped a hand over his mouth—like a schoolgirl.