Healing
Only after the children's cheers had begun to fade into the distance did I finally open my mouth.
"……I don't have anything to say to you."
"……Oppa……."
"Why are you calling me like that, all wistful? Some pretty memory come drifting back? Those shattered a long time ago."
It felt as though iron chains were drawing tight around my heart. The anger that had spiked a moment ago went quiet—though underneath it still boiled like lava, ready to blow at any second. Combat mode, for the first time in a long while. My mouth said little, but there was plenty I wanted to say. Still, with no way of knowing what had warped when the world itself changed, I had no reason to be the first to run my mouth.
"……Didn't you miss me at all, Oppa?"
"I haven't lost my mind quite that badly."
"Why'd you change your number?"
"Why do you think? Still that hard for you to use the thing called a brain?"
"……What are you doing here?"
"What business is it of yours where I go? Am I supposed to report in every time?"
"……Don't be like that. Aren't you even a little glad to see me?"
"Glad? What, planning to sue me again because I didn't say hello?"
I sounded her out, and the way she bit her lip and stared told me that up to this point, nothing had changed from before. Which meant the story that had followed back then was the same one, too.
"……I—I didn't have a choice back then."
"So if you don't have a choice, anything goes? You lost the case and then went completely dark—forgot about that? If anything, you're the one who ought to apologize first. I didn't even charge you with false accusation. Shouldn't you be thanking me for that much?"
"Wh-why would I! You did hit me. That's a fact!"
"Yeah. I hit you. Because you wanted me to. The filming was the same. Because you wanted it. On your phone."
"……So it's all just over, isn't it?"
"Over? Just over?"
The feeling that had been simmering low shot up all at once, lava breaking the crust, but I let out a long breath and forced it back down. A pressure began to knot just beneath my collarbone.
"You think I don't know why you did it?"
"……."
"I knew you were a pervert. I didn't know you were that cheap. You mold someone into a dom, and the second you decide you want to try hitting them, you just assume they'll jump to obey?"
"Y-you enjoyed it too, Oppa. So shouldn't I get to enjoy it?"
"Sure. I enjoyed it. Realizing my own inclination was good, too. But who agrees to switch positions out of nowhere? Did you ever give me so much as a warning? There wasn't even a hint."
"……Didn't you love me? Then that much should've been……."
Song Gayeong, poking the trauma again. The fact that I'd grown careful about even letting the word love out of my mouth because of this woman sent the anger I'd been holding down surging up, but I exhaled lightly and pressed it back. Getting worked up would only cost me.
"Someone like you is the real pervert. You get off on watching a dom fall into being a sub and suffer for it—you thought I wouldn't notice? And then you plant a kink in an ordinary person who never had one, and make them believe a fake is a real relationship. If anyone's trash here, it's you."
"……I—I just didn't know your inclination was that set."
"And who accepts it when you suddenly announce you want to penetrate them, too?"
"B-but you did it to me, so……."
"Because that's how it works. A man penetrates a woman—you think the reverse is normal? Did you even try to get consent beforehand? Think back. You swung my feelings like a weapon and forced things every step of the way. I was a dom in form alone. Ask anyone. Somebody says out of nowhere they want to shove a scrap of plastic up a man's ass—who just goes along with that?"
"I thought you'd like it! Why won't you understand how betrayed I felt?"
"Don't make me laugh. Is that why you hurt yourself, too? You submitted that as evidence—did you think I wouldn't remember? Maybe you're stupid enough to forget everything from five years ago, but most people in this world are smarter than you."
"Th-that just got mixed in by accident."
I couldn't even muster disbelief. At the shamelessness of offering that as an excuse, anger surged again, and I barely managed to settle it with a sigh.
"You're calling that an excuse? And I remember perfectly well you were the one who wanted to film. I refused. Clearly. The assault complaint was revenge for that, wasn't it? You turned around and submitted the footage of our play as evidence—what exactly were you planning to use that for? The more I think about it, the more my skin crawls. Seriously."
"……Anyway, it's over. We finally see each other after all this time, and you're really going to drag the past out like this?"
"Unbelievable. You drove someone's life right up to the edge of ruin, and that's what you have to say? Just remembering the humiliation of standing in court because of the video you submitted still sets my teeth on edge."
"……Wh-why exaggerate like that? I—I didn't think the prosecutor would actually indict. A man hits a woman and it ends in a summary indictment, or no charges at all. You were found not guilty, weren't you? That's why I didn't appeal, and I signed the settlement. I was just trying to take the lead between us……."
Ah. So that was how it went here. Where I came from, a dating-violence charge had nearly landed me a real prison sentence. A prior consent agreement I'd written up just in case had saved me by a hair. It hadn't even been notarized, but the judge had recognized it as evidence and accepted it. I wasn't sure I ought to call that fortunate. The humiliation from back then was still sitting in me. I could feel the anger dulling my head. I needed to be careful.
"That's exactly where the problem starts. You played the thorough sub with me. Which means you were a dom all along. Proof our relationship was a lie from the very beginning, isn't it?"
"……Then what was I supposed to do? It's not like masochistic men are common."
"That's your problem. You toy with people just to feed your own appetite? Don't come clinging to me over something you should have handled yourself."
I met Song Gayeong's eyes as she stared at me in silence. And what had brought us to ruin hadn't been the play alone.
"So did that bastard let you use his ass?"
"……I broke up with him once I found out about you."
"So he had a working brain. Who'd stay with someone who frames her partner using the marks from a scene? You're a honey trap through and through."
"Th-that's a bit harsh, isn't it?"
"Harsh? Please. Where'd that slut go, the one who spread her legs and happily weighed the two of us against each other? Forgot you passed a disease on to me, too?"
At my words, Song Gayeong—who had been chewing her lip—slowly looked at me and began to speak.
"……Oppa, are you seeing anyone these days?"
"I knew you were shameless and stupid. And that's what comes out now? You really can't tell at all that I'm still angry at you?"
"……I can make it go away."
"I used to like that confidence of yours. Now it just makes me sick."
"Did you forget? My pussy still remembers your shape. You used to love it when I talked like this."
Once, a line that crude would have flipped my switch on the spot. These days even the boy down there knew how to tell sense from nonsense. Watching him not so much as stir, I almost felt proud. And she wasn't pretty. She wasn't sexy, either. The faint traces where tattoos had been removed, peeking out near her sleeve and her neck, nearly turned my stomach. She'd hated erasing them, insisting an ex-boyfriend had done them for her—looked like she'd had them taken off so she could make a living. I didn't feel anything anymore. If anything, after I'd vomited it all out like a howl, the knot in my chest seemed to come undone.
……Was I actually out of my mind. Seriously.
Why had I ever liked someone that vulgar, someone who looked filthy to me now? Part of the fault was mine, for failing to see through a lie that plain. I'd been too far gone to shrug it off as hormones. The breakup was already five years behind me. I decided I'd simply been young back then, and let it pass. That was when it happened.
"Shinwoo."
At the sound of Rahee's voice beside me, I turned. She was wiping her hands with a tissue, her gaze blank as it moved between me and Song Gayeong, and then she looked at me and asked. Something in that unwavering look loosened my anger before I even noticed.
"……What's going on?"
"……Rahee. You don't have to greet her. It's irritating, but this is my ex. It's been five years since we broke up, so don't mind her. You don't even need to know her name. She's too insignificant to remember. Hey. You—say hello properly. This is my girlfriend."
"……A g-girlfriend……?"
"Ah……."
"Yeah. We're going to live together."
"W-what?"
At my words, the hands Song Gayeong had been fidgeting with clenched hard. Her eyes darted, raking Rahee from head to toe, and when she bit her lip I let out a short, empty laugh before I could stop myself. Even she had to see there was no comparison. Rahee simply looked at Song Gayeong for a moment, then came slowly toward me.
"Shinwoo. We should get going. You must be getting cold. I'm sorry I was late."
"……It's fine. Let's go, then."
Rahee took my arm and drew me up. I rose and slowly rolled my ankle, then reached for the plastic bag in her hand—but her grip on it was just as tight. Of course she'd be on edge. Anyone could tell this hadn't been a clean parting.
"Oppa."
"Don't call me that. Even if you see me again, don't say hello. I don't want you taking up any more of my life."
"……Isn't that too much? Even so, a number, at least……."
"Excuse me."
Rahee, still holding my arm, stepped in between us, looked quietly at Song Gayeong, and spoke. Song Gayeong glared back and muttered like a growl.
"I don't have anything to say to you."
"……I just wanted to say thank you."
"……What?"
"I don't know what happened between you, but thank you for breaking up with him. Because of that."
With that she drew my arm deep against her chest and turned a bright smile on Song Gayeong, and I nearly pulled her into a hug without thinking. She was on her period as it was; I'd been worried the stress might land on her.
"……I got to meet someone this good."
Teeth ground together.
"Goodbye, then. Let's go, Shinwoo. Oh—right."
She turned her body back toward Song Gayeong, and even I couldn't keep my eyes from going wide at the quiet words that followed.
The moment she finished, she spun around and looked at me with a small bright smile, and the anger seemed to melt clean away. I stroked her hair and met her eyes. A gaze like a knife-point pricked at my back, but I ignored it and gave a small nod.
"Let's go."
"Okay."
I started off first, unhurried. Rahee let go of my arm, matched my pace at my side, and then broke ahead into a run. Only after we'd left the park and rounded the corner did I speak.
"Give it here."
"……Ah, I—I'll carry it."
"Just give it."
I looked at Rahee, quiet all this time, and simply took the plastic bag. I tucked it into the bag I was wearing, faced forward, and started to run—and Rahee caught my hand. Our pace had no choice but to fall, little by little, but neither of us minded.
"How far back did you hear?"
"……From the part where you said she made you sick……."
That, at least, was a relief. There was a chance she'd caught what came just before—the talk about his ass, or the fact that I'd caught a disease—but she hadn't heard the deeper parts, and I nearly let out a sigh at that. It was still too early to tell Rahee about the heavy play. If she came away disgusted, that would be a problem. Not that I had any intention yet of making her into that.
"You want to hear it, don't you."
"……I—I am curious, but if you don't want me to, I don't have to listen."
"No. You should know."
And so, as we walked, I began to talk—in softened words, of course. If we hadn't run into her, it would have been a story I never needed to tell. But we had. A misunderstanding would have been more dangerous.
"……How could someone……."
"Anyway, you don't need to remember her. We're completely finished. I feel a lot lighter. Oh—want me to get you a medical certificate from the hospital?"
"N-no! You don't have to."
"If anything's still snagging at you, ask. As much as you want."
"……I'm all right……. Are you okay, Shinwoo?"
"……Yeah. Thanks to you. Thank you. It got to you, didn't it?"
"Not at all. Shinwoo."
"Hm?"
Rahee, hesitating as she looked at me, whispered in a careful voice.
"……Th-thank you for not being disappointed in women……. Not all of us are like that……."
"You're saying something obvious. I just had the bad luck to meet a rotten one."
At my answer Rahee let out a light sigh, and only then looked at me with a faint smile. It was a sigh thick with worry for me. Seeing that, I meant to tell her I was being healed—by her, and by Hyunji—but a strange embarrassment rose, the words caught hard in my throat, and nothing came out.