The Tonic
"How is that thanks to me?"
"……You don't know?"
"Know what?"
Rahi was staring at me with her eyes perfectly round, so I threw the question back as lightly as I could manage. She only smiled, soft, and answered.
"……When a woman is loved by a man…… she gets prettier. You know that."
"……Mm."
"I always thought it was just something people said……. I guess it's true."
As if the Special Internal Energy worked on anyone besides me. No. That couldn't be right. A world this messed up wouldn't still be standing if it did. Factor the energy in and the explanation fell apart anyway. No—wait. Was that what she meant?
"……Then I suppose I'll have to hold you a whole lot more."
"……Yes. I'll hold you a whole lot, too, Shinwoo."
"And what am I supposed to do if you get even prettier?"
"Then you'll look at me even more fondly……."
Rahi smiled gently, a shy warmth beneath it, and met my eyes without wavering. What she'd said was a famous old saying, sure. But I'd always taken it to mean that a woman in love dolled herself up and so came to look prettier. No. Now that I thought about it—
……I was pretty sure I'd heard something like that.
Something about the early days of a marriage: the man slowly drying out while the woman's skin took on a glow and she grew lovelier. The memory was hazy. The only married person I'd known was that bastard who'd run off. Come to think of it, I remembered him shambling around like a zombie after the wedding. One day at lunch his wife had shown up, her face bright without a shadow on it, that gleaming forehead of hers sticking in my mind. Even so, I'd never quite believed it could be real. But Rahi was the one saying it, and she didn't find it strange, so maybe that settled the matter.
"Hyunji calls me a tonic."
"……She's right. Truly. Not a supplement. A tonic is the better word."
Rahi sank into thought for a moment, then murmured again and nodded.
"Yes. Really. A tonic. That's what it is."
"……Could you at least treat me like a living person? You're talking about me like I'm a vial of soft-shell turtle extract."
"Th-that's not what I mean. It's just…… it really does feel true. Ever since I met you, my condition's gotten so much better, too……."
"Even today?"
"Yes. So much. I'm happy. The whole world looks beautiful……."
"Then I'd better feed you plenty. So you'll be healthier, and prettier."
"……Yes. And you, Shinwoo……? Are you happy, too?"
"I've been happy lately, too."
"……I'm glad."
She'd brightened at the promise of being held, then gone shy the moment I said I'd feed her. A quiet laugh slipped out of me as I glanced around, and we were already nearly at the gym. I got out, handed Rahi the keys, and spoke.
"I won't come up. If I head straight back, I might still make it."
"Take a taxi. If you get on a bus right now, it's honestly dangerous."
She was looking at me with worry plain in her eyes, and I stroked her cheek.
"Don't worry so much. You trying to turn me into an idiot who can't even ride a bus?"
"Of course not."
"Go on up. Give it your best today, too."
"……Yes. When you get to the café, you have to text me."
"I told you not to worry. I'll text."
"Yes. Shinwoo."
"Yeah."
She caught my hand, and I drew her quietly into my arms and covered her lips with mine. They were so soft and sweet I didn't want to pull away. There was a faint taste of toothpaste, but if anything it only made her seem innocent.
"……Have a good day."
"……You too, Shinwoo……."
I stroked her cheek, held her gaze, and we traded a look for a moment before I turned away. I could feel her eyes on my back, but if I dawdled any longer being late was a certainty. Even if Ju Hayeong said it was fine, I hated breaking a promise about time. And besides—
……How should I torment her today?
It nagged at me that I hadn't had time with Ju Hayeong. Not that I regretted Bae Jihyun coming by to talk work. That conversation had to happen sooner or later. Still, I kept thinking Hayeong might have had a hard time that day because of something I'd offered and then failed to follow through on.
I'll think about it on the way.
I looked around and headed for the bus stop where I'd dropped Rahi off last time. It wasn't the empty stop from that evening's commute. Not packed, exactly, but more than a dozen women were waiting, and the way they all turned to look at me at once was something I still hadn't gotten used to. On instinct I started to slip a hand into my coat, then stopped.
……Come to think of it, it had been a long time since I'd carried earphones around.
Wireless earbuds, practically a daily necessity for any student or office worker. I hadn't used them in so long I couldn't even remember where I'd put them. The only time recently was borrowing Hayeong's for a little while, to torment her. To think I'd end up living a life like this.
"……Oh my god. He's so innocent-looking."
"H-has there always been a man like that around here? I've never seen him."
"Me neither. Quiet. Let me look."
"……He looks like he's alone. Should I go talk to him……?"
"He might belong to one of the wives in this neighborhood. Poke the wrong one and your life gets seriously miserable."
"I know……. Still. Won't he look at me even once? My makeup came out really well today."
"……Should I undo one more button?"
"……You trying to end up at the police station instead of the office?"
"Right? At least let my hair down."
"Ugh, the smell. When did you even wash your hair?"
"……You wanna die? He can hear you."
I caught every bit of the murmuring, but I didn't look their way. I just scrolled through my phone. The moment I replied to Hyunji, another message came flying back—she must have been on her way to school.
I knew what she was worried about. But not every woman in this world was going to cross the line. All this fretting over a single bus ride. Still, I was in a better mood than I'd expected.
A shame, but maybe I was meant to watch the performance and head back. I'd already figured that even without the afterparty she might spend the time with her mother. Then another message from Hyunji came flying in at once.
But contrary to what Hyunji said, Im Seolah hadn't contacted me even once. If it had been Hyunji or Rahi, I would have wondered whether something was wrong. With Seolah, though, I'd caught a hint of the fox about her, so it was hard to take the silence as simple shyness. I wasn't going to judge her hastily over it. She was still Hyunji's friend.
A giggling sticker popped up in reply to that. A cute little squirrel character, and it suited Hyunji far too well.
Crying-squirrel stickers came flooding in after that. A laugh slipped out of me—and a bus pulled up right in front of my face. I'd nearly missed it. I climbed aboard, and the driver, an older woman, went round-eyed at the sight of me. I smiled faintly and nodded a greeting.
……This was no joke.
Were there still that many people commuting for nine? For a moment the crowd packed into the bus left me speechless. And the stares pouring over me. And—
Completely blatant.
I tried to move farther in, and the space that had been there when the woman ahead of me passed closed up in an instant. I lifted my eyes to the two women sticking their hips out. They weren't looking at me; their faces were turned away, and it was a little ridiculous. I didn't hesitate. I slipped between them and pushed on through. The problem was—
……It wasn't bad.
I nearly let the corner of my mouth tug up into a smile. Not grandmothers. Not middle-aged wives, either. No reason to dislike the bodies of women in their prime, twenties and thirties. Their looks didn't compare to the girls I'd met, but that didn't mean I minded the soft give of flesh against my front and along those hips. They'd eased their hips out on the sly, and I answered by playfully grinding my front against them as I passed. The woman's whole body went rigid.
"Hh……."
She swallowed a breath and hurriedly turned to look at me, but I didn't look away. I pushed between them as if it were the most natural thing in the world and headed deeper into the bus. I preferred standing toward the doors, where it was easy to get off. The bus was simply too full, so I had no choice but to stand with one woman slotted in front of me, my hand on a strap. The perfumes of the women packed in there mixed together, and for a moment my head swam. I closed my eyes, then opened them.
……The headache was a real downside.
I barely managed to lift my phone and send Hyunji a note that the bus was too packed to keep texting, then tucked it into my coat. That was when it happened.
"Ah, sh-should I make room?"
The woman turned to me, face flushed, pulled one earphone from her ear, and whispered. I could feel the stares around us gathering on her and on me. I smiled at her question, shook my head, and answered.
"You couldn't move even if you wanted to. It's full."
"I-I'm sorry……."
"It's all right."
Her voice was a little weak, thin. She looked tired, too, with faint dark circles under her eyes. Her skin was on the pale side, which made them stand out more, but they didn't seem to hide a quiet, refined beauty. Past the long straight hair, the line of her neck, the slender shoulders, the small of her back—all of it was quite feminine. The moment I looked at her, a shove from behind plastered me even closer against her.
"……Ah……."
"Sorry. Seems they're picking up even more here."
"Oh—is this your first time on this bus……?"
"Yeah. Always like this, I take it?"
"Yes……. It fills up a lot more from here……."
"……I'm in trouble."
"Oh, is that because of me? I'm sorry. I'll move aside……."
She had turned to look at me, and the moment our eyes met she didn't know what to do with herself. Her gaze darted this way and that.
"It's fine. If I'm making you uncomfortable, want me to go somewhere else?"
"N-no. No. If you go farther in, you really won't be able to get back out."
"That's what I figured."
The way she rushed to stop me didn't feel like regret, or anything of the sort. I could tell she was genuinely worried for me. A character plainly different from the women who'd been sizing me up at the stop a moment ago, and a little of my interest tipped toward her. My gaze followed.
"Heading to work?"
"Ah, yes……. A-and you, oppa……?"
"Oppa?"
"……Ah, I—I'm sorry. You seemed older than me……."
"Do I look old?"
"N-no! You don't! It's just…… the way you speak is…… so gentle……."
No. I'd only asked because I was curious, and she looked far too sorry about it. Lately, stepping into my thirties, I was touchier about it than I had any reason to be. She glanced back at me again, and the pink lips that had been trembling parted.