Rest
"Did something happen today?"
"No……. It's just, when you suddenly said we were going on a d-date, I got so happy……."
"Really? It's not even our first."
"Even so……. I still feel awful about that date at the arcade……."
"What are you talking about? We had fun then, didn't we?"
"It was fun, but I feel like I didn't put any effort into it……."
"We only decided to hang out on the spur of the moment. So this time we'll do a proper date. Simple as that."
"You're really strange, Shinwoo……."
"How so?"
"……Every time, it feels like you know everything I want. Everything I want to do……. everything I want to see……. Like I'm standing naked in front of you……."
"Embarrassed?"
"……Knowing you keep looking at me like that……. I like it so much I feel like my chest is going to burst……."
If I hadn't been driving, I would have reached over and stroked Rahi's hair, but I was still a novice behind the wheel and had to be careful. A van hardly set the mood, either. The back seat was plenty wide for rolling around, sure, but I wasn't far enough gone to get up to anything in a vehicle the kids rode in. I really needed to look into a bigger car. No—I should just buy one. The thought of car sex, something I'd never even tried, made me unwilling to put it off any longer.
"……When the hell is your period going to end? I'm dying over here."
"……I'm going crazy too……."
Only a few days had passed, and already not being able to hold Rahi was unbearable. The emotional satisfaction she gave me was enormous. Her face, turned toward me, was flushed deep red, and longing, ache, and frustration tangled together in her eyes as she swallowed. When I simply looked at her like that, she hesitated, then spoke.
"Shinwoo……. Um……."
"……You're staying over, right?"
"……Yes……."
I pressed a little harder on the accelerator and sped toward home. Familiar faces were waiting when we arrived. I pulled up in front of Kim Eunji, camera in hand, and rolled the window down.
"Hello."
"Ah……. Sh-Shinwoo. Hello……."
"I'm late, aren't I? Sorry. Were you waiting long?"
"N-no, not at all……."
Kim Eunji's gaze moved between me and Rahi in the passenger seat. Rahi looked back at her as if nothing were unusual, but the moment their eyes met, Eunji looked away. Maybe it was better if they didn't run into each other like this. I didn't sense any hostility from Rahi yet, but she worried about me so much that I couldn't predict which way her feelings might turn.
"D-did you have a car?"
"No. This is the van from the gym I'm helping out at. I'm just borrowing it for a bit. Ah, I got permission, so it's not embezzlement or anything like that. The rental's in my name, too."
"Ah, I-I wasn't thinking that……. I see……."
"And you remember what I asked you, right?"
"……Yes. Don't worry. I'll keep everyone in line."
"I'm counting on you."
"……O-okay……."
I watched the color rise in Kim Eunji's cheeks, offered a quiet goodbye, and drove on. Rahi was with me today, so I'd only reminded Eunji of our arrangement, just in case. A hassle? No. There was a strange pleasure in it. It even felt a little like being a celebrity—minus every risk celebrities actually carry.
"……How much do you think a camera like that costs?"
"A few thousand, probably. Why? Interested in photography?"
"No. She looks like a professional, and she's still out this late……."
"I know. I'm grateful, though. Photography's recognized as an art these days."
"If you look at it that way, I'm grateful too."
"Why?"
"……Because she'll capture you beautifully. In my place."
"Ah. So that's why you asked about the camera?"
"Yes. But I don't really know my way around equipment."
"Then just use your phone."
This time I simply pulled into the villa's parking lot. We'd talked enough, and I'd decided it wasn't dangerous, so for now I chose to trust them. Until something actually went wrong, I had to keep the promise I'd made. And if something did go wrong, that wouldn't be so bad either—I'd have my justification. I just didn't need to take the risk myself.
"Go in first. I'll head around front and draw their eyes for a second."
"Okay."
Just in case, I made a point of getting out of the driver's seat and approaching the front gate first, gathering their attention. A few of them waved, faces flushing, and I gave a light nod to a couple of people I didn't recognize. In that span Rahi slipped into the villa ahead of me, and I followed after her.
"I think I understand all of it now……."
"Why? Embarrassed?"
"……A little. And because I worry about you."
"I'd be happy to, myself. I want to show you off even more proudly, but let's hold back. We still don't know how they'll react."
"……I-I'm fine with it……."
"I'm the one who isn't. I'm not ashamed of you. If anything, I want to brag."
In that moment, unbidden, the story Kim Do-hoon had told me about the banquet flickered through my mind.
So that was it. That's why.
I understood. If I felt this way, the others must have too. Boasting about Rahi to the "ordinary" men of this world—men who couldn't recognize her worth—would be pointless. Pride only lands with someone capable of understanding you. I was starting to think that agreeing to join Dowon had been the right call.
"……Okay……."
"And. Look here."
"……Huh?"
I quietly lifted my phone and took a few pictures with her. As the shutter clicked again and again, Rahi's expression kept changing. I enjoyed the flustered, shy look on her face as she studied the photos, and before long we reached the door. She pressed the lock first and opened it for me.
"Thanks."
"……Ah, it's nothing."
The moment I stepped inside, a sigh escaped me before I knew it. Today had been chaos. Tomorrow I really had to call the landlord. The lease was already up, but demanding they clear the place out immediately would be too much; all I could do was hope the next tenant showed up soon. I hung my coat on the rack and dropped straight down onto the floor.
"……Shinwoo, you haven't told them you're moving, have you?"
"No. I need to, but I keep forgetting lately. Why?"
"I was going to tell them around the same time."
"Ah, right. When it comes down to it, nothing's actually settled."
"It's only been a few days. And you've been busy lately."
Rahi slipped off her windbreaker, hung it beside my coat, and smiled as she stroked the fabric, looking thoroughly satisfied.
"What's got you so happy?"
"Ah……. I like hanging my clothes next to yours……."
"Live together for real and my cheeks would cramp from smiling."
"……They already are, though."
She came over quietly, sat beside me, and rested her head on my shoulder. I wrapped an arm around her, and between her warmth and the sound of her breathing I had the illusion that all my fatigue was blowing away. Even her heartbeat joined in—loud as a drum beaten to raise morale before a war, the tempo seeming to climb.
"Sleepy?"
"No. I just want to stay like this a little longer. What about you?"
"Me too. Want to watch some TV? It's been a while."
"Okay."
"Ah, there's still some of that beer we bought."
"Oh, really? Want a drink?"
"Let's. There's still some of the snacks, too."
"Perfect. Just a moment."
"Yeah. Thanks."
"Okay."
I let out a small laugh at the thought that I was turning on the TV for the first time in ages. These days I barely had time for YouTube, so watching television was practically a luxury. The dusty remote seemed to protest, as if asking why I was only picking it up now. The moment the screen came on, the news appeared, and I leaned my back against the wall.
Next time I'm actually buying a sofa. And the place needs to be bigger.
I was realizing how many things I'd thought unnecessary, living alone, had started to feel necessary. I'd only gotten older; I was still green. I was about to sigh when the footage on the screen caught my eye before I knew it.
"Huh? Chaerim left."
"You know her?"
"Yeah. There was a lot of talk."
Before I knew it she had a potato chip in her mouth, set a beer can down in front of me, and was about to open it—I caught her hand.
"You'll hurt your nails. Give it here."
"……Ah, come on. It's not that bad."
"I'm not that far gone either. Do it for me later, when I'm old and weak."
"……Okay. I want to do it for you, though."
"It's fine. Just sit next to me. Bring that pretty face over here already."
"……Okay."
She blushed, popped the rest of the chip into her mouth, and carefully settled beside me. When I drew her shoulder in, she leaned quietly into my arms, knees gathered to her chest, toes wiggling. It was pretty cute. Nestled against me like that, she watched the TV and went on.
"XOXO's probably headed for a breakup, too."
"What was the problem?"
"The agency. People said the settlements were off. They dug into the contracts, and they were basically slave contracts."
"They still pull that."
"I know. And the agency president is kind of a lowlife. The moment they said they'd sue, he dragged out every bit of the members' private lives."
"Isn't that just shooting himself in the foot?"
"That's what I think, too."
"Well, it's not like we can know everything. So this Chaerim—her private life was bad? She doesn't look the type."
Then again, in this world a man or a woman's private life probably wouldn't be that big a problem. Maybe celebrities were different. They had fans, after all.
"No. She was the cleanest of them."
"……Ah. I get it. I don't really know idols. This is my first time seeing her."
I'd never even heard the group's name before. I wasn't exactly plugged into the entertainment world, but the thought that I might really be turning into an old man was a little frightening. Maybe I ought to start memorizing idol names now.
"It's all right. There are plenty of men like you."
"I'm just saying. They look like a successful group, from what I can see."
"They do. But the fans actually thought worse of Chaerim."
"For looking out for herself?"
"Yes. Then one of the members, who felt bad watching the fans tear into her, even revealed that the others had been freezing Chaerim out."
"Really?"
"Yes. A girl in the same group named Rose. She posted it trying to defend Chaerim, but it got deleted right away."
"Once it's up, that's the end of it."
Complicated stuff. I ought to read my own contracts a little more seriously from now on.
"Still, quitting seems like a waste. Doesn't look like she did anything wrong."
"From Chaerim's side, leaving like that is her way of saying it's unfair. But there are so many girl groups. Walk away like this, and she'll just be forgotten."
The idol on the screen was striking. She was fairly tall, with a slim, elegant figure, and a face so clean you could have stamped the word innocent across it—flawless pale skin without a single blemish, and long straight hair falling all the way to her waist. A slender neck like a deer's drew the eye on instinct. Her slightly downturned eyes gave her a puppyish look. The one regret was that she seemed a little short on curves, but aside from that I couldn't find a flaw.
If she looks like that on screen, her whole face would disappear into a single palm.
Not that I'd ever have any business with her anyway. Rahi lightly tapped her can against the one I held out, then tilted it and stared at the TV. The news reflected in her clear eyes. Did she like watching television?
"Did you watch TV a lot?"
"……Ah. When I'm home alone, it's a little much."
"Ah. I know what you mean. Sometimes you need a little noise, right?"
"……Yes. Especially people's voices……."
"Right. Exactly. Though I'd have thought you'd hate it, with your work."
"It's just that I need white noise like this."
"That's right. I'd forgotten, the way I've been living lately."
"……Me too."
I didn't need her to say whose fault it was. The smile she gave me was answer enough, and it was the same for me. I brushed a light kiss against her lips, and she smiled, pleased, nestling her head deeper into my shoulder.
"Can I ask you to tell me about that person from earlier?"
"Ah, right. I said I would, and then we ended up talking about the date."
"Yes……. If it's awkward, you don't have to."
"What's there to be awkward about? It really wasn't much……. Let's see."
I quietly tried to recall what Kim Do-hoon had said, but when I thought about it, there hadn't been much to it. The heart of the matter was simply an invitation to join Dowon. I left out the pointless bits and gave her only the core. I left out Valhalla, too. I didn't want to hand her something new to worry over—Rahi already worried about me often enough. When I finished, she opened her eyes wide and asked.