Stirring the Desire
"……How am I supposed to leave after this……."
"Should I not have done it?"
"……Th-that's not what I meant……."
"Go on. I need to eat too. Next time, tell me ahead. Then we can eat together."
"……Ah……. Y-you mean it, right……?"
"Yeah. Don't cook up some excuse. Just come when you feel like it."
"……Okay……."
The mere offer of a meal together next time left Bae Jihyun's eyes soft and unfocused. I tapped her forehead once, lightly, and walked her out of the cafe.
"……I'll go, then."
"Yeah. Work hard on the stream."
"Okay……."
I gathered the food left by the door and waved, but she showed no sign of leaving. A laugh slipped out of me, and I made a show of shutting the door; only then did Jihyun turn. Her back vanished slowly as the door closed, and even then I could see her glancing back at me.
……She's sweet, I'll give her that.
I still wasn't sure how honest she was, but in front of me she seemed gentle enough. She'd even laid her own fetish bare, so I doubted she'd go public with my business. The damage would land harder on her than on me. I'd watch how she carried herself on I Want to Date and think it over then. The truth was, I was already leaning a little her way myself. Just then Ju Hayeong peeked out of the office, and I lifted the plastic bag.
"All done?"
"I'm sorry. The talk ran much too long."
"No. I'm fine, it's just……."
"Let's eat. I said we'd play and then I never got to."
"I-it's okay……. I wasn't planning to bother you every single time either……."
"Even so. I wanted to today."
"……J-just hearing you say that…… I'm so happy……."
Hayeong flushed and sat carefully in front of me. Push her any further and she'd choke on her food, so I decided this was far enough. I unpacked the meal and set it on the table. We didn't finish until well past three.
"We're late, aren't we."
"Yes. I should probably brace myself."
"For what?"
"……Our trainer's a little intense."
"Ah, that woman from before. She didn't look the type. She's really pretty."
"……I didn't know something like that was hiding behind that pretty face either."
"……So she's that bad, huh……?"
"Yes. You'll see, eventually. No—maybe it's better if you don't……."
When I took off my apron, Hayeong gathered it into her arms as if that were the most natural thing in the world. I looked at her and covered her mouth with mine. She had been waiting for it; her arms came around my neck, and after a soft kiss I stroked her cheek and whispered.
"Hang in there today, too. I'll look at your lunch photo."
"……Mm, okay……. You hang in there today, too……."
"I will."
I was sorry I'd missed the moment to tell her about Go Yewon, but there was always tomorrow, or the day after. When I drew away, her soft fingers lingered as if reluctant to let go. I held them a moment, then left the office.
"……If you get bored, put some music on."
"I'm fine. On days you stop by, like today, I'm not lonely."
"Maybe I should've said I'd be here every day."
"……If you did, we might actually end up in the hospital halfway through pulling coffee."
I snorted, and Hayeong smiled softly back as she straightened my clothes. Then she leaned in and whispered, small and close.
"……I put something new on today."
"……Then show me in person later. A photo would be a waste."
"……Okay……."
I kissed her lightly once more, left her behind, and hurried down the alley where the van was parked. If I was going to make the four o'clock pickup, I had to shoot out of there like a bullet. What a mess of a day.
"……Chang-soo."
"……Yeah."
Past ten, the gym had gone quiet. I called to him from where I lay sprawled on the floor again. Chang-soo answered just as weakly, but we'd both been too busy for me to scold him.
"Shouldn't I be getting a paycheck too?"
"The one who started the work has to take responsibility."
The moment I burst into the gym I'd had to leave again to pick up the kids, without even changing clothes. That part was fine. What came after wasn't. Word seemed to be spreading; just like the first day, people were lined up waiting for consultations.
Go Yewon couldn't leave the office because of them, and whenever Rahi went in to cover so she could teach yoga, Chang-soo had to join the kids' training. That left me alone at the wheel the whole time.
Getting familiar with the neighborhood was nice enough, and I didn't mind the way the kids' mothers flushed and lit up at nothing more than my greeting. Chatting a little about the children on top of that only wore me out more.
"……If I'd known business was this easy, I should've opened a gym myself."
"It's probably because there are two of us. And they say Rahi teaches well. The kids say it's fun. The yoga's nothing but praise, too."
"They're just grateful someone's watching the kids. People looking to nitpick will show up soon enough."
"I'd be grateful, actually. This is our first time doing any of it. Word's already getting around after a few days, so I don't think we need to do nothing but worry."
"That's true. Man, rumors move fast around here. Oh, right. Did you know the only customers all morning were women looking for you? Mornings might start filling up too."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I was wondering what you'd done this time."
"……Turns out I have a fan club."
"Ah, that tracks. Did you join it?"
"What. You're the weird one, understanding that immediately."
"Because I had one too."
"……What?"
"……Hyung. I know you're good-looking, but I did pretty well myself. And it's only a matter of scale. Hardly a guy gets through school without a fan club. Unless he's seriously ugly."
"No, that's not what I meant. The women who make those things are nothing like your type."
"……Right. So I just joined and left it alone, and once I got a job and stopped paying attention, it fizzled out."
"I see. Wait a second. Then why didn't you drop a line in your fan club when we were promoting?"
"……After everything we went through today, that's what comes out of your mouth?"
"……Sorry."
"Set them off wrong and they'll actually stalk you. I'm telling you, I even moved because of it."
"Got it."
I let out a long sigh, stared blankly at the ceiling, and muttered. Could Eunchae even hold up under this?
"The week after next is going to be a problem."
"Why?"
"I can't come to the gym for a week."
"Huh? Where are you going?"
"That show. I Want to Date. I'm going on it."
Chang-soo, who'd been lying beside me, shot upright with his eyes round.
"I Want to Date? They're doing season two? Why are you going on it?"
"Someone asked me to go on with them. You know it?"
"Yeah. It's pretty fun. If you can get past the two streamers going completely feral on the guy at the end, and the way they crank the energy way too hard in the middle. It's every hit variety gimmick mashed together. First season, so of course it's clumsy—factor that in and, well. It's a decent show."
"Don't curse. I'd never heard of it. This time the scale's huge. They're even getting support from the Ministry of Maternity and Childcare. Sounds like they booked an entire village."
"Whoa. Then season two isn't going to be small. Should be fun. Did they out you as a Multimale?"
"It was on the news. Did you forget?"
"Ah, right."
Arms folded, Chang-soo nodded along and kept going.
"……What's your concept going to be on there? Same as usual?"
"I figure so. I'm not a broadcaster, and doing it halfway would be worse than just being myself. But I'm worried. I heard the rating's insanely high."
"For this country, yeah, it's pretty high. There was a male cast member who left a twenty-four-hour live running at his place……."
"……I feel like I know without you saying it."
"Yeah. Everything but the actual sex basically airs. On personal channels they open it up if the guy allows it. Honestly, otherwise there's no reason to watch. Women go crazy for—no. They love the dirty stuff. We don't mind watching either."
"……I know. Still, it's a big worry."
"Your worry's probably different from other people's."
"If it were you, what do you think you'd worry about?"
"They'd come at me outright because I'm a Multimale. Just that would irritate me until my head split. And if I slept with one of them even once, they'd be all over me again from the next day……. Women think men can go whenever, the way they can."
I wanted to tell him that was simply how it was, but I knew better now. And I could pace whatever they asked of me, so it didn't matter.
"Yeah, looking at your face, that part isn't a problem. You really are different."
"Yeah. I can handle that on my own, but……."
"Then what are you worried about?"
"That it'll look like I'm throwing my body around without a care. I don't mind for myself. I'm afraid our girls will get hurt by it."
I hadn't been able to say it to anyone until now, but this was the heart of it. An extension of what I'd told Bae Jihyun, maybe. Especially the fear that Hyunji, or Rahi and the others, would be hurt if they saw it go out on a broadcast. Asking them directly felt too delicate. I muttered it hoping Chang-soo, being a man, might understand—but he only tilted his head, as if he'd never heard anything like it in his life.
"What do you mean? Throwing your body around?"
"Is that weird?"
"Yeah. That's the burden you carry for being born a man. A woman who'd get hurt over something like that is the weird one. If anything, they'd put themselves in her place and expect even more. That's why dating shows almost never fail."
"……Forget it. You're the same kind of man."
"……Is this really the moment for that line?"
"There's a reason."
"Hyung. If they cast you knowing you're a Multimale, isn't that exactly what they want? Like, all day—huh? Nonstop? They even got Ministry support. I think they're trying to stir up men's desire to get women pregnant."
At stir up the desire to conceive, a dry laugh escaped me before I could stop it. This one was actually a little funny. Stretch his point out, though, and pushing everyone away too hard would be a problem of its own. Classic Chang-soo. No help at all. In the end I'd have to pace it myself.
"I suppose, but……."
"It's not like they're airing it outright. I don't really see the problem."
"……It'd be nice if our girls thought the way you do. And I'd have to register everyone I met like that. I don't want to do it without any real feeling between us."
"Then just don't register them."
"Is that possible?"
"Right? I mean, who's going to file a Multimale registration over one quick night?"
Put that way, it had a certain logic. I already had more than a few as it was.
"You just don't hand over your ID. Then the woman understands on her own, and if she gets pregnant she'll report it to the Gene Management Bureau herself. If she's the lazy type, the hospital runs the test again when she gives birth, so you don't have to worry too much."
"……I think I've heard that. All right, for now."
Even so, I couldn't bring myself not to care if someone was carrying my child. I had no real intention of changing that. The moment I decided to ignore it, something caught hard in my throat and in my chest.
Like my humanity was being worn away, maybe.
I'd just do what I'd always done. If someone fit my taste and her character was decent, I'd register her. And there was one more thing. For a whole week I'd have to look men other than Chang-soo in the face, and that part worried me.
"What do men think? Do they find someone like me disgusting?"
"Mm, no. You're interesting."
"Just interesting, and that's it? Even setting aside that you're close to me?"
"Yeah. We feel good when we do it too. The other person wants it so badly. When it's over there's a sense of, well, I got one in this time. It's just that once you've come, you really have no drive left at all."
A dry answer, but I was starting to understand the men of this world. Duty came first, and the relief of being free of that duty. The pleasure of finishing was secondary.
"So there's no envy in it?"
"If anything, I feel pretty bad for you. How does someone live like that. It must be hard. Miserable, even."
"You too?"
"Yeah. Honestly, I feel a little sorry that you meet so many women. You don't seem like you're struggling, so I don't say it. I don't want to hurt your feelings."
"……I see."
So maybe I could assume men had no reason to be hostile toward me. Just in case, I'd still have to be careful with any woman who already had a man, though I couldn't trust that she'd tell me so honestly.
In the end I'd have to dig it out myself. Being someone's first man, and doing it safely, wasn't a bad thing either. And thanks to Chang-soo, I at least knew how the men of this world thought. For that, I was a little grateful.
Just then he spoke up, as if something had occurred to him.