You Tempted Me Right Before My Eyes!!!
The moment that whole chaotic mess finally wrapped up, I headed straight for Ackres.
"Who goes there?"
A nun stepped into my path the instant I arrived at the church where Ackres was staying. Thankfully, it wasn't that so-called "Saintess" — one of the Seven Heroes, and easily the least moral-looking of the bunch.
"I am Mikhail Yohan, Radiant Escort Knight."
"Brother Mikhail. Ah — if you've come to offer prayer or confession, I can attend to that in his stead."
She bowed her head in apology.
True to how unprecedented this whole situation was, several cathedral knights in full plate stood watch around the grounds.
"Sister. I have business to discuss with the distinguished guest currently at prayer inside. Would you be so kind as to inquire after his wishes?"
I arranged my face into something suitably devout.
"By distinguished guest, you mean…"
"The Holy Spear. His Highness the Second Prince has just finished punishing a band of thieves, distributing their spoils, and liquidating his own assets to devote himself to the Holy Emperor Cult. He's raising a crusade for the great work of the Northern Expedition, is he not?"
The nun bowed her head, visibly moved.
"Ah — you know so well already, there's little left for me to explain. Have you an appointment to see him now? I've received no word of it, I'm afraid."
"I don't, no — but he did say I was welcome to call on him anytime."
"Very well. I shall go ask Brother Ackres."
The nun gave me a long, appraising look before disappearing into the church. A moment later I could see Ackres himself, seated alone on a pew.
"I present myself before the Holy Spear."
"So. Have you decided? On a companion for the journey, I mean."
Ackres turned a page of scripture with a spit-dampened finger.
"I have."
"Good."
He smiled coldly at my answer. Hogging an entire church to himself…
"If I've made things inconvenient, I apologize. One needs quiet to hear the word of God. Sit, why don't you."
"As you wish."
"When it's just the two of us, you needn't address me so formally. I'm in the middle of prayer — can you wait?"
"Of course."
I sat down beside him.
Seeing Ackres again after so long, he gave off the vibe of some icy church-boy type. Or maybe a returning student who'd just finished his military service.
Ackres finished his prayer and closed the scripture. The soft thud of the cover snapped me out of my thoughts.
"Well then. This time I'll gladly lend you a hand. You've been a tremendous help to the Holy Emperor Cult's choir, after all. Truly admirable, Brother. The title of White Knight of Honor is no empty honorific."
Well, it was all for my own survival — but if he wants to misunderstand it that way, I'm not complaining.
…Though, hang on. White Knight of Honor? What the hell is that supposed to be. Weird nicknames keep spreading these days.
I kept my face carefully blank. Natural acting was a survival essential.
"We can hardly just hand over the northern front lines, can we. There are even rumors of a demon appearing. As far as I'm concerned, this is simply repaying what I owe."
"Hmm."
Ackres's eyes narrowed.
"…Fine. I'll drop the formalities. The demons have been cunning enough to run a pincer operation — the entire front has collapsed."
Collapsing without even knowing who's ally and who's enemy, more like. Ackres spoke in a grim tone.
"I dispatched several Saintesses who were meant to serve as exemplars of the Holy Emperor Cult, but from the telegrams, the chaos shows no sign of settling. It seems I'll have to go up there myself."
"I see. Originally, this deployment…"
"I volunteered for it personally. But with things as they are, I needed a reliable substitute."
So he just dumped the job he was supposed to do onto me. What can you do — that's life as a subordinate for you.
Well, at least Arlea isn't saying "let's make a baby." Small mercies.
Ackres quietly pointed at me.
"And then you appeared. From you, I sense a light of true devotion. The light of a saint from the Holy Emperor Cult's own scriptures. The Holy Spirit itself is watching over you."
Huh. Looks like my imagination and my desperate need to protect my chastity somehow got through to God too.
Ackres studied my blank expression for a moment, then moved on to the real point.
"So. Who is it? That once-in-a-generation mage… or my sister. Ideally my sister, if I'm being honest."
Ackres cleared his throat. Judging by that little display, Arlea had clearly gone and kicked him in the shins herself.
He was endlessly soft-hearted when it came to his little sister, after all.
I pictured a future traveling with Arlea or Sophia.
— "…A room you can't leave unless you have sex?"
No.
— "M-Mikhail. It's cold. Could you just hold me a little?"
No. No!
— "Ah… w-why did my clothes suddenly…?"
No! No!! No!!!
— "Mmhuhuhu… sleeping outside completely naked, though. That basically means I can eat you up, doesn't it. I can't — I can't hold back anymore!"
Just imagining the worst-case scenarios sent a cold wave through my skull.
Sophia or Arlea — either one was guaranteed disaster.
"I'm afraid I already owe both of them a great deal. There's no need to put myself further in their debt."
"My sister said she was fine with it — she went on and on until her mouth went dry—"
"I truly cannot. Besides, I already have someone lined up."
"Someone lined up?"
This is a Gordian knot. Whichever side I pick, I'll only stoke the conflict further. Better to choose a third option entirely.
"Professor Carlos Cloud. I'll be going with him."
"A professor from the Martial College… certainly a devout and trustworthy man. Though in that case, I'd say the mage would be fine as well."
"I must go with Professor Carlos. Absolutely."
I repeated myself for good measure.
I am not getting my chastity stolen, damn it!
And out there, countless relics are waiting. Just bringing those back would be a massive help — the kind of relics that keep me from hitting a bad ending!
Ah, O Sword Demon of the Imperial Execution Bureau. You who would deliver this henpecked husband from the clutches of yanderes… how shall I ever repay you.
I lifted my gaze to the heavens. Even now, I could picture Carlos wearing that benevolent smile.
Back before I'd even received the offer — I'd practically thrown myself at Carlos's feet.
"Both of them have been through a lot lately, you see. Mentally, they've hit their limit."
"I have no idea what you're talking abou—"
"They've hit their limit."
"First, the subject—"
"They've hit their limit."
For fuck's sake, take a hint already. You want a wooden sword cracked over the back of your Swordmaster skull?
"…"
Only then did Carlos narrow his eyes.
"Hmm. Got a lot bottled up, do you."
"A lot."
We locked eyes. Some unspoken current passed between us, and Carlos raised an eyebrow.
You… don't tell me…
"Well, I've got no classes anyway. Can't be helped. I'll accompany you myself."
Already locked in. Heh heh heh.
"…"
Ackres looked me over with a strangely forlorn gaze, then went back to reading his scripture.
His legs were mottled with swollen, ugly bruises.
.
.
.
It was summer.
Clip-clop, clip-clop—
I hated horseback riding, but every time I felt this kind of exhilaration, I was always on a horse. Same rush of dopamine I'd felt the day after rejecting Arlea's confession, when I'd bolted on my beloved steed Red Hare.
Carlos and I were out patrolling the academy outskirts. A report of a dungeon had come in, so we'd scoured the area like we were hunting lice — and found absolutely nothing.
— You call that work?
I genuinely scoured every inch of it, okay?
Come on, that's harsh. Even if your son is desperate enough to run away that he's lost his mind, he still has standards.
Still, drawing maps of the outside world for the first time in ages, free of those lunatics — it actually felt pretty good to be alive.
Sex, meals, sleep. Sex, meals, sleep.
After nothing but that nightmare routine on loop, just looking at nature was practically therapeutic.
Carlos, mounted beside me, smirked.
"You know, back in the day I wanted to be an adventurer like this. The empire's finest wandering knight."
"Is that so?"
"Also called a free knight or knight-errant… though at the end of the day you're still just making a living the same way. I wasn't always a professor, either. Used to be a back-alley mercenary."
Carlos, riding ahead, tilted his head.
"You were a mercenary, Professor?"
"In the back alleys, mercy is a luxury. The weak don't survive. After a while as a merc… ah, that's enough of that."
"Of course."
"By the way, that mouth of yours is something else. You really said that to Her Highness the Princess?"
"Let's not bring that up. I can still smell her perfume from here."
"You really ought to learn how she shows affection, you know."
Walking a warm, familiar country road instead of the Magic College for once — I felt like I could finally breathe.
We were currently on a dungeon-hunting odyssey of ten thousand leagues. Our rest stop of the moment was the small town of Sakarin — an entertainment city near the academy.
But right now it looked like a quiet country village. And even in a fantasy world, petty thugs were bound to roam about.
"Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!!"
"Ah, a man! Bring me a man!"
Sakarin — a city that would one day rival Las Vegas — was currently under attack by a band of brigands!
A glance suggested no casualties yet, but every resident had taken shelter inside the buildings, leaving them unable to resist the looting.
The two of us approached head-on, fair and square. I'd suggested going around, but Carlos had been stubborn about it.
"Haha, bandits! Rape the men, kill the women!!"
"Hey! You knightly pretty-boys! Hand over everything you've got too! Ughuhuhu. Today's haul is looking fine. What a handsome fellow."
Oh, for crying out loud. Getting talked to like that by some grease-stained, beard-crusted bastard.
I'd rather just surrender my virginity to Arlea and Sophia at this point.
"Professor. One favor, if you would."
"…Fine! My blood's boiling today! Come at me! You dare disturb the continent?!"
"Huh."
"Toh-ho!"
Carlos bellowed that bizarre war cry, dismounted with a full three-hundred-sixty-degree backflip, and proceeded to mow through the bandit gang.
A model civil servant, really.
Mm. So peaceful.
If this had been Arlea or Sophia, they'd already be going feral trying to sexually harass me.
"S-Sir Hero!"
"…Hah."
Just then, two women approached on foot beside my horse. The taller of the two bowed first.
"Greetings. I am Anria, a maiden of Sakarin village. Thank you for saving us, Sir Hero."
"I-I… hello! O great White Knight. I'm Sophie."
Thwack—
Anria jabbed Sophie in the ribs with her elbow.
"N-no! Seraphina."
Hey, hey, that's not the name either. Blonde, sure, but still.
Thwack—
"No! It's Somia!"
.
.
.
Anria and Somia, huh.
Those crazy bitches.
Honestly, when it came to this kind of thing, the two of them could take their acting skills straight to the top of Mount Peak Comedy.