So Mom Can Keep Smiling
The next day, Na Haram stopped at a coffee shop on her way to work and placed her order.
"A venti iced Americano, please."
"Coming right up."
Just as she was stepping out with her drink in hand, she ran into a coworker. The woman glanced at the oversized cup Haram was carrying.
"That tired, huh? Knocking back something that big first thing in the morning."
Haram had been lost in thought until the sky began to lighten. Was putting Bokshil through surgery the right call, or would it be better to keep going with the treatment they already had?
Picturing Bokshil healthy after the operation made her want to book the surgery that very instant. But then she remembered what Director Lee Jun had said — that the walk into the operating room might be the last time she ever saw her — and the thought was unbearable. It frightened her. It made her feel sorry for Bokshil, too.
Either way, sleep had been impossible. It wasn't something she wanted to say out loud, so she let the words trail off.
"Yeah, a little..."
"Well, it's Friday. Hang in there one more day!"
Whether the pep talk was meant for Haram or for herself, the coworker said it and headed inside to order.
Haram went into the office and started work with a haggard face. Surprisingly, the tasks came together smoothly — probably because work left no room to think about anything else. She threw herself into whatever was in front of her.
Then lunchtime arrived. While everyone else headed for the cafeteria, Haram made for the in-house coffee shop.
"You're not eating?"
"Ah, I don't have an appetite. Enjoy your lunch."
She ordered coffee — the same size as the morning. She could lose herself in work, but the heaviness dragging at her body was another matter. She needed the jolt.
Cup in hand, she returned to the office. She hadn't noticed it while she was working, but now that she wasn't staring at a monitor, the worry came flooding back.
Hah... what do I do?
The moment she thought of Bokshil lying in the hospital, the strength drained from her whole body.
Sipping her coffee, Haram opened her phone, pulled up a portal site, and logged into a community she belonged to — a cafe for guardians caring for sick companion dogs. There were boards for trading information, and boards for illness journals. She went into the journal board and began to read.
It was only natural that her eyes were drawn to the entries about little ones fighting heart disease. As she read down through those stories, she let out a long breath. It was a truth she already knew: most of the dogs who had been battling heart conditions eventually saw their kidneys fail as well. And with the medication they had to keep taking, the liver suffered too.
The drugs and the various supplements did extend their lives, of course. But their condition kept deteriorating. And in the end...
"Hah..."
She closed the cafe window with a sigh. Just then, a new text arrived.
It was from Onmaum Animal Hospital.
A chill ran over her skin. What if it was bad news? She shook her head.
"No. They'd call for something like that."
Her guess was right. The hospital had sent a text and two video files. The message described in great detail how Bokshil had been through the night and how her condition had changed, and the attached videos showed her sleeping and eating her breakfast. When her breathing was too labored, she couldn't even drink water, let alone eat — so watching her feed herself was a clear sign she had improved.
"Thank goodness."
Haram replayed the ten-second clip of Bokshil eating over and over. Coffee hadn't touched her exhaustion, but that video restored her completely. She flew through the afternoon's work, and her steps on the way home were remarkably light.
A coworker laughed at the sight of her.
"Whoa, you're not the person I saw this morning. This is the best part of being a working adult, huh? Feels amazing!"
Same here. Because my Bokshil got better.
Haram laughed alongside her coworker as they boarded the subway.
She got better. Those words carried real power. Haram's steps into the animal hospital were so light her mouth had already curved into a smile — and maybe that was why Bokshil's face lit up the moment she saw her.
Hehehehe. Cradled in a technician's arms as she came out, Bokshil wagged her tail so fast it was nothing but a blur.
"Bokshil! Bokshil!"
Woof woof. Bokshil's small reply only deepened Haram's smile. The technician settled her into Haram's arms.
"She seems so happy that you're here. Her eyes look brighter, and she seems to have more energy, too."
"Did she? Is my Bokshil in a good mood?"
Nestled against her, Bokshil leaned into Haram's chest and answered with a little ang.
Stroking the dog in her arms, Haram felt a tangle of emotions. She was so proud and so grateful that Bokshil could greet her with a smile — and at the same time, that labored, wheezing breath broke her heart. Improved symptoms were not the same as a cured disease.
In the director's office, the veterinarian drove that point home.
"She should be able to go home tomorrow or the day after. And we've increased her medication a little."
"Increased it?"
"Yes. We've been using pimobendan at 0.25, but bumping it up to 0.3 looks like the better course. We tried this dose last night and this morning, and I think we should stay with it. The rest of her medications we'll leave as they are for now."
Raising the cardiotonic pimobendan from 0.25 mg/kg twice a day to 0.3 mg/kg meant her heart function had declined that much.
"...I see."
"The good news is her kidney function is still fine. Her liver values are a little high, but not enough to worry about at this point."
That was welcome to hear. But Haram knew well enough that it would not necessarily stay that way.
"And you visited the other hospital yesterday — have you... decided to go ahead with the tests?"
"I haven't made a decision yet."
"Of course. It's not something you can decide overnight."
"D-Director, what would you do, if it were you?"
"Well, everyone thinks differently. Even among us veterinarians, opinions are all over the place. One of my friends, for instance—"
She had asked for his opinion, and he had gone off on a tangent. But she had a feeling it would not be entirely beside the point.
"Yes?"
"His mother passed away a few months ago. Do you know what he said to the doctor at the hospital where she was admitted?"
"......"
"He told them to do everything they could. He said that if he were in that situation himself, he'd say the same thing. He wants every treatment available. Like that."
"Ah. I see..."
"Another friend of mine thinks the complete opposite. He says he wouldn't accept life-prolonging treatment."
So what was the better path? Which decision would be better for Bokshil? Haram's head ached more than it had before she had asked the director of Onmaum Animal Hospital anything at all.
"Everyone speaks from their own heart like that. But these little ones can't say those things, can they? Oh, of course they express themselves. The problem is that we can't understand them."
"That's exactly it. That's why I'm so torn."
The answer came out of her immediately. That was how trapped she felt.
"What our Bokshil wants..."
"That, I know for certain."
"Pardon?"
"Bokshil wants to be by your side. She wants to look at you, feel your hands, and hear you call her name in that gentle voice of yours. Look at her right now. How peaceful does she look?"
At the director's words, Haram looked down at Bokshil, who was practically draped across her lap. Her breathing might have been ragged, but her expression was nothing but happy.
"Ah..."
That's right. This is how Bokshil wants to be. Together with me.
And Director Lee Jun was said to be especially good at reading animals' hearts.
"Director, once Bokshil is discharged, I want to take her to Mongmong Animal Hospital for the tests."
There was strength in Haram's voice.
"Understood. I'll let them know."
A few days later, Bokshil visited Mongmong Animal Hospital — with her guardian, of course.
The moment she stepped inside, she heard voices welcoming her.
"Sis Bokshil, welcome, ong."
"Sis Bokshil. Good to see you."
"Sis Bokshil, this is our Mongmong Animal Hospital, it is! Hehehe."
Two cats and a dog she had never met in her life were greeting her as if they had known her forever.
"Uh, u-hi!"
She answered in a fluster, and the three of them beamed.
"Sis Bokshil, you won't hurt anymore, ong."
"That's right. Our Hyungnim is going to make you better!"
"Hehe, that's our Hyungnim, it is! You won't hurt, you won't!"
Watching the three of them grin so brightly, Bokshil found a smile tugging at her own mouth. And then, without meaning to, the words just came out.
"Wow! Then, then does that mean I can run and run now? And breathe all easy?"
"That's right, it is! Our Hyungnim will make it so you don't hurt! I run too, I do!"
The big dog grinned like a goofball and talked like a goofball. And yet, strangely, it felt as if it might actually happen. So Bokshil smiled with the same goofy expression as Sapsaree.
"Hehe. It doesn't hurt! It doesn't hurt."
And a strange thing happened. Maybe because she had said it didn't hurt — it actually hurt a little less than a moment ago. The coughing seemed milder. The breathing a little easier. So Bokshil smiled even more brightly.
That was when it came.
"Bokshil, you're such a pretty girl."
She had always thought her mom was the gentlest, kindest person in the world to call her name — and yet someone was saying it that softly. Bokshil felt so good she turned her head toward the voice.
Then the three of them spoke at once.
"Hyungnim, this is Sis Bokshil, ong. Please make her not hurt, ong."
"Hyungnim. Pretty Sis Bokshil — please make her better."
"Hyungnim, it is! Sis Bokshil — make her not hurt, please!"
That big dog was still a goofball. But all three of them wanted her not to hurt, and Bokshil was so grateful. She had only just met them.
The place had smelled good from the moment she walked in, and now she liked it even more. And she didn't mind being picked up by the teacher those three were gazing at with shining eyes. Honestly, it felt good. She usually hated strangers. Strangely, this person they called Hyungnim felt really, really nice.
"Bokshil, listen well to the director. Mom will wait right here."
So Bokshil didn't even make a face as she nestled into the director Hyungnim's arms and was carried off somewhere.
"Bokshil, the doctor is going to do this to you. He's going to give you a little poke here, and lie you down like that one and press here with this. He's trying to find out why you cough and why you go wheeze-wheeze when you breathe. Is that okay?"
These were things she had already been through. Things that had hurt a lot. Things that had made breathing so hard she had been terrified. Back then she hadn't known why they were doing any of it. Now she did. And the cats added explanations of their own.
"It doesn't hurt even a little, ong. I did it too, ong."
"Sis Bokshil, you lie down like this."
The short-haired cat flopped over with her belly fully exposed.
"Hehe, I did it too, ong. Even Yom-yom-i, small as Hyungnim Hoesaegi's paw, did it, he did!"
That big dog really was a goofball. A kid that small? Where would you even find one? That was what Bokshil thought — and yet, strangely, courage welled up in her. She felt like she could do anything.
So she lay this way and that way, and she wasn't scared at all. It didn't even hurt as much as last time. Breathing was easier, too.
"Bokshil is so brave."
All she had done was lie still the way they asked, and she even got praised. Hehehe. Bokshil felt so good she beamed. Strangely, she had been smiling ever since she walked in the door.
"Bokshil, hmm. You want to stay with Mom for a long, long time, don't you?"
"Yes!"
Of course she did. Bokshil thought of her wonderful mom and answered at the top of her lungs.
"That's right. Mom wants to live a long, long time with you, too."
Heehee! Mom wants to be with me a long, long time too...!
"But Bokshil, this part of you hurts, doesn't it? It goes 'ow' when you breathe, and sometimes even eating is hard."
The face that had been smiling all this time darkened. The fur between her brows stuck out in a tuft — she had scrunched her face so hard the hair poked straight up.
Nod, nod. Bokshil slowly dipped her head.
The pain itself hurt, but what made her sadder was the sad look on Mom's face every time she coughed.
"That's right. Our Bokshil is so good. Worrying about Mom first."
Huh? How did Director Hyungnim know that? Bokshil stared at him, dazed.
"You don't like it when Mom looks at you and gets sad, do you? It makes you sad too?"
"Yeees."
"And you want to run."
"Yeees."
"You don't like how it hurts here when you drink water, so you don't drink much, right? And then Mom sees you not drinking and gets sad all over again?"
"Yeees. I love Mom, but Mom keeps getting sad. I like it when Mom smiles..."
"You know why, don't you? Because our Bokshil is smart and pretty and adorable."
Nod, nod.
"Yeees. Because I go cough-cough. Because I go wheeze-wheeze. That's why Mom is sad."
A moment ago she had thought the big dog was a goofball, and now she was answering the same way.
"So Mom wants you to be healthy. A Bokshil who doesn't cough, who drinks water well, who runs around."
As Lee Jun spoke, Bokshil's eyes grew distant. She must have been picturing herself the way he had described — not coughing, drinking as much water as she wanted, running as hard as she could across solid ground.
Then, all at once, her mouth puckered and her head dropped.
"But I can't."
Even when I try not to cough, it comes out. I try not to cough after I drink water, but the cough comes anyway. I want to run, but if I run I can't breathe. So I can't get healthy the way Mom wants.
A single tear rolled down and landed on Bokshil's white front paw. A tear steeped in despair.
"Bokshil, there is a way to get healthy, you know. A way where you don't cough, and you can run as much as you want."
"Really?"
The head that had been hanging low snapped up.
"Mm. But it's a little hard."
Hard? Bokshil tilted her head. Then she said:
"Please make it so it doesn't hurt. Bokshil doesn't want to hurt!"
She cried out the same words the three of them had said when she first came in. And she added:
"Even if — if things go wrong — you might not be able to see Mom?"
"Mom? I might not see her?"
"It's possible. Making Bokshil not hurt is so difficult that you might end up going to the Dog Star while we're trying. If it goes well, you'll get what you want — you'll keep seeing Mom smile."
Bokshil hesitated.
She loved Mom so, so much, but she hated being sick like this. She hated the pain itself, but she hated even more that being sick made Mom sad.
I want to not hurt. But not being able to see my wonderful Mom is awful too.
In the middle of that struggle —
"Of course, this doctor isn't going to send you to the Dog Star."
The hesitating Bokshil looked up at Lee Jun. And in his eyes, she read a fierce will.
So Mom won't be sad. I want to keep seeing Mom's smiling face, over and over.