The Door Is Always Open
Choi Woo-jin, who had at some point switched his event of choice to beer, set his glass down on the table hard enough to ring through the room.
Clack!
In that hushed atmosphere, every gaze swinging toward him was only natural. Meeting his classmates' eyes, Choi Woo-jin opened his mouth.
"Hey. Shouldn't we be doing something?"
"Doing what? Going to counseling or something?"
"That wouldn't be so bad. At least you'd get to drag out all the stuff you've got buried deep in your chest."
"Yeah, you're not wrong. But isn't it kind of hard to even get there? These days it's a week out — no, the well-known therapists have reservations stacked up for months."
"For people with schedules as all over the place as ours, even budging is a struggle. Well, kids like you working at a big hospital would be fine, I guess."
Baek Junwon, who had recently opened Baek-Kang Surgical Animal Hospital and was living through a stretch of chaotic days, answered Choi Woo-jin.
"Our schedules aren't exactly regular either."
"Still better than ours, though, right?"
"I'll give Junwon that. And Junwon, you've got Taejun with you, so you're still better off than me, aren't you? For a one-man clinic like mine, leaving your post is hard. When you're busy you can't go because you're busy, and when it's slow you have to stay because you never know when a patient might walk in."
"Yeah, I can see that. But your body comes first. Being in one piece is the most important thing, isn't it?"
"That's true, but when you're running a solo practice, it's hard to even think that far."
This classmate was right, and that classmate was right. Lee Jun listened and nodded along.
Still, there was one thing he wanted to say.
"You're all right. But what's the point if I end up a wreck?"
Every gaze in the room swung toward him. Lee Jun gave a bitter smile and went on.
"It's just — I figured it out once I was hospitalized. When you're sick, you can't do a thing. What good is it if your heart is racing ahead, if your body won't move? And you end up being a burden on everyone around you, too."
Choi Woo-jin's face twisted as he cut in.
"Aigoo, yeah. When that bastard Lee Jun was in the hospital, you have no idea how worried I was."
"Yeah. Sorry. Anyway, that's what I mean. Running a clinic is great, but I have to be standing on my own two feet for the hospital to run well. That's what I wanted to say."
"The busiest guy among us sure talks a good game."
Choi Woo-jin shot Lee Jun a sidelong look, and everyone else nodded.
"Yeah. Before you start worrying about us, manage your own schedule. What kind of guy has no days off?"
"Right? When that bastard showed up on Animal Praise with Haennim-i, I nearly keeled over!"
"And after that! When he climbed into the Somang-is' cages… I thought my heart was going to drop right out of my chest."
"Same here. Still, thanks to this guy, he kicked off a whole Somang-i syndrome in this country."
After Animal Praise aired the stories of Haennim-i and the Somang-is, a great many people reached out with warmth. Nobody called them caged farm bears anymore. Somang-is had become their name.
"That's something to be grateful for."
That was when Kang Taejun, Baek Junwon's partner, who had been quietly drinking beside him, looked at Lee Jun and spoke.
"Honestly, back then — when Haennim-i became a star — I thought you were going to fall apart."
Kang Taejun's voice was low and even, and whether it was the alcohol or something else, the skin around his eyes had gone red.
"That's true. You really didn't look good then."
He hadn't. He really hadn't been well.
He had been so heartbroken that Haennim-i had gone without ever getting to play in a wide-open field. And he had been so sorry — why hadn't he gone to her sooner? If he had gone earlier, maybe he could have treated her. Still, Haennim-i told me everything that was in her heart. That's how I was able to pull myself together, at least.
As that thought passed through him, Lee Jun's gaze found Go Gi-jin at a table far across the room, drinking with a sad face. Ah. Right. That kid. Go Gi-jin was there.
Back then, Lee Jun had not been alone.
Go Gi-jin had grieved with him. He had poured out the sorrow even more openly than Lee Jun had. Kwak Suho had been there too. The two of them had felt what Lee Jun felt, had been sad with him, had been angry with him.
That, perhaps, was why Lee Jun had been able to endure. Yeah. You don't even have to do anything special. Just having someone beside you who is thinking the same thoughts is enough to give you strength.
He had never been able to do that for Park Ji-wook.
Theirs had been a relationship of phone calls, and only when something was needed. But what people like them needed was more than that.
"What we need is just a place where we can talk about our stories as much as we want. Right?"
"You're right."
"Yeah. Lee Jun's right. Honestly, before we opened, the things I heard when I went to Lee Jun's hospital — those really carried me."
Lee Jun's eyebrows lifted at Baek Junwon's words.
What had he even said? That look must have shown on his face, because Baek Junwon scrunched his nose and went on.
"People always forget what they said themselves. Back then my head was killing me over the opening. A mountain of things to buy, not enough money, and on top of that I had no idea if we'd even make it once we opened. Anyway, I was under a huge amount of stress. And then Lee Jun tells me not to worry so much? It wasn't just anybody opening — it was me and Kang Taejun, so of course it was going to work out."
Baek Junwon lifted the glass in front of him, took a swallow of beer, and picked up again.
"He said good things after we opened too, but anyway, those words are still sitting in my chest. Whenever things get hard, I think back on what he said then, and it gives me strength."
"Just knowing there's someone who understands you is enough to give you strength."
"That's true."
Lee Jun nodded.
The truth was, Lee Jun himself had suffered through a very deep depression.
Couldn't he have noticed Kongdol-i's illness sooner? If he had, Kongdol-i would have lived longer. That fundamental self-reproach had always been with him.
In truth, how much was an undergraduate supposed to know about disease? Of course he wouldn't have known. The professor who had examined Kongdol-i had told him as much — that even recognizing the illness from the symptoms alone had been remarkable.
Lee Jun had let it in one ear and out the other. All that remained in him was the thought that he had failed to keep Kongdol-i with him longer.
So he had studied even harder, and thrown himself even harder into clinical work, living at the school as if he belonged there. Everyone told him he was amazing, and Lee Jun had only smiled bitterly. One of the reasons he had stayed at school was that he hadn't wanted to go home. He hadn't wanted to lie there alone in Golmokjib, the house where he had been happy with his grandfather and Kongdol-i. So he had all but fled, spending long hours at school. And after he took a job at an animal hospital, he had spent long hours there too. He would have done the same after opening his own clinic. And yet…
Those kids.
Lee Jun thought of the three who would still be settling down to sleep at the hospital. Thanks to them, and thanks to Gi-jin, home became a joyful place.
There had been no room left for depression. Because there were beings beside him who understood him exactly as he was, and who worried for him.
And that was not all. After he became able to hear the animals, Lee Jun had found that in the act of treating them, he himself was the one being healed. Animals live each day with everything they have. Not yesterday, and not tomorrow — this one day.
If they can get through today without pain, and eat something tasty, they are happy. Companion animals, on top of that, are so glad when their guardians cherish them. That is all. Wild animals are so happy if they eat their fill that day and are safe. I just have to help those happy days of theirs last a little longer. That's what I can do for them.
And Lee Jun had come to love the fact that he was someone who could help animals. After he realized that, the deep, deep depression had lightened, just a little. I really did receive so much help. From the animals who always looked at him with such honest faces. And from the people who worry about me and take care of me.
He had received help. Now it was his turn to give it.
"Have you guys ever been to our hospital?"
The table, which was no longer ten people but twenty, stirred. About half of them nodded.
"Lee Jun's hospital is great."
"It really is. The dogs are so bright, the guardians are at peace, and Hoesaegi and Gkamnyangi are there too."
"I like Sapsaree."
"Is that all? The food's delicious too."
"Wait, you've eaten there? Ah, I only ever got to drink the coffee."
"The coffee's good too."
"Agreed! I want to scout Chef Joo, I'm telling you!"
"That's out of the question, it is. Nope. Ya can't take our Chef."
Go Gi-jin, who had somehow made his way over to their table, declared that Ju Mi-seon was not going anywhere.
"Anyway, come to our hospital anytime. You know we're open twenty-four hours. Just come. Whether I'm there or not, come whenever you want. Come eat, have some tea, and see the kids."
"What?"
"Think about it. Even if we want to meet regularly, it's hard to get everyone together."
"Even meeting twice a year, the attendance rate doesn't even hit forty percent."
"Well, what can you do! If an emergency comes in, you can't go. Hey, we're still a pretty decent class. You think there are that many classes that meet as regularly as we do?"
At Choi Woo-jin's words, everyone conceded the point.
"Woo-jin's right. For us, we actually see each other pretty often."
"So what? We didn't do a damn thing for Ji-wook when he ended up like that."
At one classmate's self-mocking words, the others sealed their mouths as if someone had drawn a zipper across them. No one could answer. The words were true.
"Yeah. You're right. We didn't do anything for him."
"That's why I'm saying come to our hospital. Our hospital is open anytime. Ah, and soon I'm planning to make the cafeteria on the third floor a bit bigger. So come comfortably."
"Is that really okay?"
"Of course. If some of the others got there first, sit and talk with them. If not, play with our kids. All the vets at our hospital are alumni anyway, so grab anyone and talk."
"Still, Chef is going to have it hard…"
"Ah, there's another auntie too. It's fine."
"If you'd do that, it would be so good. We wouldn't even have to make plans to meet at a meat restaurant or a bar."
"Right. No need to rush around trying to hit a set time. Good. Thanks, Lee Jun. But you can't shoulder this alone. Let's at least collect dues."
"Yeah. Chef will have it tough too. We should."
"It's fine. If you've got that kind of money, donate it to Uriteul. Or to the Somang-is."
"That's that and this is this. Seriously, this guy Lee Jun is something else. How do you even think of this stuff?"
That, he had learned from the animals.
From the way they did not put things off hoping tomorrow would be better, but spent today, right now, with joy and purpose.
As his classmates heaped too much praise on him, Lee Jun quietly changed the subject. It was also what he wanted to say to them.
"One way or another, we're veterinarians who treat animals."
"That's right."
"So our job is treating animals. That's enough. If we just do our best treating animals, isn't that enough?"
"It's the gap between the ideal and the reality that wears you down."
"Just work hard in the situation you're given. Wouldn't that be enough?"
"Yeah. That's how it should be."
That was when Baek Junwon asked Lee Jun a question.
"Lee Jun. What if a guardian brings up euthanasia to you? What do you do?"
"I tell them according to the criteria."
"Criteria?"
"When painkillers just don't work anymore. There are cases where no analgesic you try can bring the pain down. Then there's nothing you can do. Or when there's truly nothing left you can try."
"That's true."
"Yeah. If it were me, I'd want to end it in a case like that too. And it would be the same for the animals."
He phrased it as speculation, but Lee Jun knew. He had heard it directly from the animals. So even though he spoke as if he were guessing, there was weight in his voice.
"Yeah, I suppose that's true."
"If the lungs are too destroyed to breathe. Anyway, if it looks like life can't go on, then you have to let them go. But if it's not that, I won't do it."
Choi Woo-jin's face twisted as he spoke up.
"What if the guardian wants to give up? If the treatment costs too much and they can't handle it?"
"Those cases really drive you insane."
"I feel like I'm going to lose it. The kids look at you with those clear eyes. The guardian talks about something else entirely."
"That's what I'm saying. I still hate it. If the animals have the will to live, I won't do it."
"Then they'll just go to another hospital and do it."
"Even so, if you can persuade them, you should. At the very least, how about we manage the pain? And that's why I think — if we get a bit more aggressive about pain treatment, wouldn't the cost of analgesics come down too?"
"Then the burden on the guardians would ease a bit. This damn drug pricing is the problem. The problem."
"Exactly."
"Anyway, saying all this out loud feels like a weight off my chest."
"Same here."
"Right? That's why I'm telling you to come to our hospital and vent sometimes."
"Yeah. It really feels like an oasis just appeared in the desert."
"Me too. I don't know how many times I'll actually make it to Lee Jun's hospital, but having it versus not having it is night and day."
"Exactly. Thanks, Lee Jun."
"Thank you."
"Nah. We all help each other live."
For the first time, a warm current moved through the gloomy funeral hall.
Lee Jun's classmates left looking a little unburdened.
Lee Jun and Go Gi-jin stopped by Mongmong Animal Hospital, collected the three, and came home.
After washing up and stepping into the room, they found Hoesaegi and Gkamnyangi drowsily dozing on the bed, their eyelids flickering. Sapsaree was not even lying down on his bed on the floor — he was sitting upright, nodding off, his head dipping and lifting.
"If you were sleepy, you should've just gone to sleep."
"I'm gonna sleep with Hyung-nim-ong."
"Hyung-nim left looking like that. So I waited."
Gkamnyangi lowered his eyes and pushed his mouth out in a pout.
"That's right. Hyung-nim and Strong Hyung-nim had crying faces. So we had to wait, we did."
"But Hyung-nim-ong. You're like this now-ong."
Hoesaegi looked at him with a peaceful face.
"Hehe. That's why I'm happy."
"Me too. Hyung-nim's happy, so I'm happy too."
The three of them looked at Lee Jun and broke into wide smiles. You kids. How do you even know my heart is lighter than it was?
That was how it was. Companion animals were always watching over their guardian's heart. If the guardian was well, the companion animal was well. That was all. Such careful, considerate kids…
When Lee Jun smiled at the three of them, they smiled even more brightly.
"Hyung-nim-ong, let's sleep-ong."
"Yeah. I wanna sleep."
"I'm gonna sleep too."
"Alright. Let's sleep."
Lee Jun gathered their affectionate gazes into his eyes, and turned off the light.