Thirst Lodged in the Throat (3)
“This is Alpha 3. Give me a reason I can accept. We’re soldiers, not murderers.”
Defiance in the face of the enemy was a capital offense, punishable by firing squad.
But there were no enemies here worth the name.
All the armed soldiers had been killed, leaving only starving, sickly civilian prisoners.
He’d spilled rivers of blood up to now, but he’d never massacred defenseless civilian elders and children.
-Alpha 3, are you defying orders right now?
“This isn’t defiance. As the on-site commander, I simply can’t accept it. Does the War Command know about this?”
-Not yet. There’s no time. Incinerate the operational area immediately.
That left him no choice but to defy.
The colonel bit back the words before they could escape.
As a war hero, he might get a pass on one act of insubordination.
But his subordinates would face severe setbacks in promotions and assignments going forward.
“Sir, we’re fine with it.”
“No human could follow such an insane order. There has to be some mistake.”
“We enlisted to protect the nation, not to slaughter civilian weaklings.”
Sweat dripped stickily from the hand gripping the radio.
He was still walking a razor’s edge.
But any more hesitation, and it would be clear-cut mutiny.
Please, War Command, change your minds, the colonel prayed desperately to a god he didn’t even believe in.
When the colonel didn’t respond, Command called again.
-Alpha 3, withdraw all troops except the commander. Transmitting classified intel.
“Understood.”
The colonel gestured, and his men fell back.
“No one else can hear. It’s just me.”
-Intel received minutes ago via emergency channel. The civilian prisoners are infected with an engineered contagion.
“Engineered contagion?”
-Affirmative. Incubation period of nearly a year. This rescue op itself is an enemy counterplot.
“Counterplot…”
The colonel groaned, gazing at the distant civilian prisoners.
In eyes that had lost all hope, faint sprouts of blue optimism were growing, like desert sands after rain.
That made it all the harder to watch.
-They have no path to survival anyway. If we withdraw now, they could escape the camp and spread the plague to our lines. We must eliminate the risk at the source.
“……Understood. Over.”
He was a war hero who’d rocketed from private to colonel faster than anyone.
He understood the mission’s necessity all too well, even without further explanation.
Whether his heart could forgive it was another matter entirely.
“Gather all the demo charges here and fall back.”
“Sir?”
“That’s an order. Move!”
His men sensed the peril in his icy glare and steely tone, silently setting down their explosives without protest.
The pile grew mountainous, and the colonel methodically placed charges throughout the camp.
The emaciated prisoners just stared blankly.
Did they not grasp the meaning? Lack the strength to think? Or simply accept it…?
The colonel issued no orders to anyone.
He did it all with his own hands.
His men knew why he moved alone.
It was the commander’s resolve to bear all the filth himself.
“Mister soldier… I’m hungry…”
A skeletal child reached out a corncob-thin arm, pleading piteously.
After a moment’s hesitation, the colonel set down his rations and canteen.
His watching men followed suit, wordlessly distributing theirs.
Eating recklessly in starvation could kill, but no one stopped them as they wolfed it down.
“Everyone out.”
His men withdrew in silence.
The colonel watched until the end, confirming even the last canteen was drained before turning away.
He gritted his teeth against the silent stares boring into his back from those who’d shared their final, meager feast, putting distance between them.
He hit the remote detonator. Explosions roared in unison, and the camp crumbled with a thunderous rumble.
He’d wired inward meticulously for that reason—gruesome remains, but instant death without suffering.
“We’re pulling out.”
He called for evac helos, and the exhausted unit returned.
Rashid’s battalion made it back first among the departed groups.
About an hour later, the second team staggered in, followed by the rest in succession.
No need to ask what the delayed returns meant.
The haggard commanders and troops’ faces said it all.
“MPs.”
One unit’s commander was even arrested by military police on arrival.
His expression remained defiant to the end, unbowed.
The other commanders averted their eyes quietly.
Days passed like that.
The colonel spent them slumped in barracks, inert.
The victims’ silent screams wouldn’t leave his ears.
He knew it was a necessary order for the nation, with no alternatives.
Yet his hands still trembled days later.
If only this were all a dream.
Only now did the colonel recall he’d blacked out Jeong Seo-hoon’s life entirely for days.
He remembered the grand army figure grabbing his hand in the washbasin mirror, dragging him into the abyss.
His next memory: boarding the helo for the op.
Jeong Seo-hoon’s memories were swelling into the gaps beside the blanks.
I know what you need right now.
I know what I lack.
Come to me. I’ll show you.
This mission filled a vital gap, a necessary fragment?
The colonel shook his head fiercely in denial.
An unacceptable delusion.
Rashid’s world couldn’t be built on such nonsense.
Comet… lens…
He muttered blankly, unfocused, when the barracks ceiling suddenly lifted.
“Colonel Rashid, sir. The Supreme Commander is here.”
Deep-ingrained military habit shot him to his feet.
Following the sentry to HQ, the six-star general swiveled his chair in welcome.
“Heard you earned great merit. Do you know why I’ve come?”
“A promotion…?”
“Meritorious soldiers deserve rewards. Tough mission, but you handled it well.”
Three units had refused the burn order. Escaped civilians from one had reached a forward outpost, sparking chaos.
Command was in uproar; that outpost remained isolated to contain infection.
“Colonel Rashid, you did the right thing as a soldier. This is the nation’s gratitude.”
The Supreme Commander personally removed the colonel’s insignia, pinning a single star in its place.
The newly promoted brigadier stood stunned, weighing that star against the lives traded for it.
He prayed at least they’d stopped in brief agony.
“I’ll ask again what I did before. Brigadier Rashid, what will you do when the war ends?”
“Act… I want to be an actor.”
“An actor?”
The old general tilted his head, puzzled.
As if he’d never imagined such an answer.
His weathered fingers stroked the gleaming gold star on his chest.
“But why the dark face? Not happy with the promotion?”
“……I am.”
The Supreme Commander’s fingers lingered on the shining star.
“Isn’t this what you desperately wanted?”
The ordinary tone carried an eerie weight.
What he desperately wanted.
The star? Or the experience of massacring the helpless…?
His body shuddered violently as bitter cold assaulted his heart.
The starving child’s huge eyes—begging food over mercy—swallowed him whole in hallucination.
Euphoria flared at filling the void, then twisted into self-loathing.
Unheard victims’ screams churned his mind to mush.
All sensations here faded.
The Supreme Commander’s calm voice trailed distantly.
Or is this still not enough?
***
“Seo-hoon?”
The voice laced with subtle concern snapped Jeong Seo-hoon awake.
“Why are you just standing there pressing your hand to the mirror? Dizzy or something?”
“……How long was I like that?”
“Five? Six seconds? You sure you’re okay? Need me to hold you up?”
“No. I’m fine now.”
The frozen faucet stream finally poured cool.
Jeong Seo-hoon cupped water in his palms.
He scrubbed his face roughly, as if washing bloodstains. But no matter how hard he scoured, invisible blood wouldn’t vanish.
His memories blurred during the wiring.
Just like his first plunge into Rashid’s world.
He’d carried out the order with a heart gnawed raw.
Bearing all the blood alone to shield his men’s consciences.
The brigadier star traded for those lives was no honor—just shameful, crushing karma.
Yet now, actor Jeong Seo-hoon felt secret thrill at filling the lack, while human Jeong Seo-hoon despised himself for it.
That place isn’t real. This is. Rashid was just a dream.
But his heart had long admitted both were real.
I know what you need right now.
Come to me. I’ll show you.
The grand army in the mirror—another self—whispered in his ear.
Jeong Seo-hoon scrubbed as if flaying his face.
“You really okay? You look awful.”
“I’m fine.”
Turning off the tap, he yanked a paper towel and dried roughly.
The frantic final supper. Heart crumbling at the button. The anguish of obligation…
Did I subconsciously crave that experience?
A chilling gaze made him turn.
In the mirror wasn’t his casual self, but himself in grand army robes.
Was it the character he played?
Or the grand army’s severed heart projected?
The figure mouthed silently.
We’ve filled what we lacked. I am prepared now.
The same face whispered solemnly.
Are you prepared?
Stiffened, Jeong Seo-hoon finally spoke, like a soliloquy.
“……PD-nim.”
“You sure you’re good?”
“Sorry, could you run lines with me alone? Right now.”
“We just did, and now?”
“I’ve got the emotion locked in.”
Jang Seung-won’s eyes widened.
“Oh, then let’s do it quick. Director of Photography went home, so I’ll rough-set it up. Takes ten minutes—come when ready!”
The PD bustled out excitedly. Only then did Jeong Seo-hoon lunge into a stall, gripping the toilet and heaving.
Transparent tears from his stomach pattered into the bowl for a long while.