Park Hyeon-ju

The bus stop by the back gate of Ikkot Women's University.

I hesitated for a moment in front of it.

The apartment complex was only a short walk through Geumran Tunnel.

A cool breeze struck my face just then.

The wind's really blowing today.

It was cold, yet it no longer carried that desolate winter chill of before. Something frozen solid inside me was slowly thawing. Strangely, the cold wind felt warm.

Just walk.

I headed straight for the tunnel, grinning like an idiot the whole way, chuckling to myself.

Calm down. Anyone driving past would think I'd lost my mind.

I grinned again. The second I let my guard down, my mouth hung open in a foolish smile.

When ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠was my life ever this good…

If I had to pick a happy moment, maybe when I got into college? Even after passing early admissions in the first semester, worries had piled up one after another, so that happiness hadn't lasted long either. No wonder I couldn't even sign up for the winter intersession that first-semester early admits usually enjoyed—I'd been bouncing from one part-time job to the next.

Money problems. Family messes.

Did the heavens just hate seeing me happy?

Thinking back on my life brought the gloom flooding in again. I wanted to think about Hye-yun, but like earlier, I'd just get hard. And inside the tunnel there was nowhere to deal with it. So every time she popped into my head I forced myself to think of something else.

Whoosh—

A bus roared past, rocking my body and stinging my nose with exhaust.

Never walking this way again.

I soon exited the tunnel and entered the apartment complex.

Honestly, I didn't want to go in. My aunt's storm of nagging. My uncle's contemptuous stares. My cousins' rude behavior. There wasn't a single thing I liked about that house.

My aunt had still treated me better than the rest of the family. We'd grown up together in the neighborhood like an older sister. The problem was just these past few months. My uncle was the one who'd cheated, so why did I have to take her hysterics? I never understood it. A dozen times a day the words "Take that shit ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠out on your husband" rose to the tip of my tongue and I swallowed them back down.

—Oh my, look at those eyes. Can't even look straight?

Even when I only thought it, it must have shown in my gaze, because the hysterics only got worse. Head bowed, forced to apologize for things I hadn't done.

I hesitated at the entrance, then pulled out my phone.

I snorted.

Her voice even auto-played in my head.

It was the kind of cliché scene you saw in dramas. Steak wasn't that big a deal, but I'd never even been to a regular Outback. What would it taste like? How would it feel to eat somewhere like that with a girlfriend? I'd only ever imagined it.

But now it was about to become real. Something that had seemed impossible until I landed a job.

Today really did feel like a dream. One I didn't want to wake from.

And the texts with Hye-yun kept going. From how great today had been to promising she wouldn't forget the marriage registration form—that last part felt like the real core. Then how from Tuesday the girls in the department were doing a sleepover, and so on. For a full hour I sat on the convenience store bench in front of the apartments trading messages.

Whoooosh—

The cold wind. Earlier it had melted the knot inside me; now it dragged me back to reality. The imagined image of Hye-yun vanished, replaced by my aunt's venomous face.

I still didn't want to go in.

I idly opened my phone again to check the time: 8:11. Awkward. My uncle would be home from work and the kids would still be wide awake.

I walked over to the playground in front of Building 5 and sat on a swing. This was one of the few spots my uncle's family almost never came near. A walking path up Ansan ran beside the playground; it looked deserted now.

[Boong-boong]

Whenever things got too miserable I would sit on this swing—Boong-boong—and stare at the stars, then the ground, over and over until the tears dried. How pathetic was it that I couldn't even vent to other people and had to name a mute swing? Looking back now, I really had been a loser.

I'd always wanted to scream, but there were apartments right in front and apartments right behind.

I won't need to come here anymore, right? Thanks for everything, Boong-boong.

I idly stroked the rusted chains of the leftmost swing that had basically been mine alone, then climbed on for one last ride. Whenever stress and sorrow welled up, hopping onto Boong-boong somehow calmed me. Maybe it was just the habit by now. Even tonight the worry settled. My unfocused eyes sharpened, and soon the stars and moon of the night sky came into view.

Wow. There were that many stars.

"Ian!!"

A voice called out. She should still be in America—had her exchange period already ended?

I got off the swing and turned around. A face I was so glad to see… with a disgusting extra attached.

"Noona, why are you with that beggar kid? Let's just go."

"Hey!! Why are you talking to your friend like that?"

"Friend? I… forget it. I'm going first."

The guy headed up the hill path. Back in middle school we'd been pretty close, but the moment he learned I was freeloading off my uncle he started calling me a beggar and mocking me. Then he'd pulled some Talula stunt, gotten his ass beaten by me, and after that just spread rumors.

My fist clenched, but I held back when I saw her face.

"Sorry. Why's Hyeong-cheol acting like that?"

"It's fine. A-jeong noona, is your exchange program over?"

She came over and sat on the swing next to mine.

"Yeah. I heard from friends. You got into our school?"

"Yes. Noona, you're a junior now?"

"Nope. Half a semester language training plus half a semester short-term exchange, so second semester sophomore."

I nodded.

Seo A-jeong. There was a time I'd thought she was the prettiest girl around. She was still pretty, but after seeing Hye-yun today, whatever feelings I'd had for her had mostly—no, almost completely—vanished. So I could talk calmly without trembling.

"You got a girlfriend?"

"Yes."

Her expression visibly darkened. There had been mutual interest. I'd been low on self-esteem from family issues and part-time jobs. She'd approached me anyway. Two years ago, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠after starting college, we kept running into each other at this playground. Before that our schools and schedules were so different I'd never even seen her as a girl. When she started showing subtle interest I'd wavered. Just as my heart was opening, she'd left for America without a word at the start of last year.

"I see. So that's how it is. Boong-boong, did you know Ian has a girlfriend too?"

She stroked Boong-boong, then suddenly took my hand. A-jeong looked away.

"Noona?"

"I don't care if you're an orphan or whatever. We're adults now. Even if Dad hits me, I'm doing what I want."

"What are you talking about?"

Suddenly calling me an orphan, and her dad hitting her? That doting father who'd always seemed like a total daughter-fool?

"Last year I told Mom I wanted to date you. We got along so well, right?"

"What?!!"

She let go of my hand and started swinging, pumping hard back and forth. Why tell her mother instead of me?

"Why tell your mom?"

"Hyeong-cheol found out. He read my diary. Mom was waiting for me that day. I didn't even have time to tell you. Really."

"Ah… Hyeong-cheol."

The guy who hated my guts. Especially after getting thoroughly beaten, he'd gotten sneakier about spreading rumors.

"Dad came home and hit me for the first time that day, then basically kicked me off to America. I even flunked intersession over it."

"Ah… but like I said earlier, I have a girlfriend."

The swing stopped abruptly. She leaned her face right up to mine.

"Didn't you say your dream was building a harem? Make a ton of money and all that?"

"No. That was just sophomore-year delusion. My dream is a happy family."

"Liar. Your eyes just wavered. Back then when I heard you say that, I even prepared myself to accept other girls."

She leaned even closer. Her scent rode the wind and brushed my nose.

"…"

Smack.

While she kissed my cheek I couldn't do a thing. I just felt her soft lips and scrambled to calm the bad boy trying to get hard.

"Heh. See you at orientation. I pulled some strings and got your section moved from Business A to G. Look at this—we went on a family trip. I'll hear your answer then."

She grinned, swinging the shopping basket she'd left by the swing.

"…Yes, noona."

Hearing my answer, she hummed a little tune as she headed back up the path.

What the hell was happening today? So many good things kept piling up that it was starting to scare me. The day was just too happy.

Creak, creak.

I blankly started swinging again. For a long while I just sat there lost in thought before my mind returned.

Creak!

The sound of old rusted metal grinding together as I slowly stopped. I stepped down onto the sand and stroked the swing once more.

"Thanks, Boong-boong. I think it's thanks to you. When I get some money I'll paint you."

At the very least, Boong-boong had been the matchmaker between Seo A-jeong and me. I wasn't even a resident, so even if I paid they might not listen—but then I'd just buy a unit in Building 5.

"See you around."

I brushed off my pants and walked ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠down toward Building 3. Standing in front of unit 1501, I took one deep breath. Despite the string of happiness, the moment I stood at the door the familiar oppression closed in.

Ding.

Again? How many times today?

I pulled my hand back from the doorknob and hurried to the stairwell, climbing until I sat on the steps right in front of the rooftop door.