The Secret Banquet of the Gods
After Lord Hades appeared, I spent a stretch of time so chaotic it felt like being swept up in a storm.
Really—this is no joke or metaphor.
It was a genuine, honest-to-gods storm itself.
When I relayed that Hecate would contribute to the world, that she would mend her feud with Hera, and that Medea would raise as many new heroes as the ones she had killed so far, Hades agreed to my request as if he had been waiting for just such an opportunity—and that was precisely where the trouble began.
To summon Hera I had her statue brought over and prayed for her descent myself. The instant she appeared she called my name and laughed with pure delight, yet the moment her eyes fell on Hecate and Medea her face curdled all over again.
“Why did you call me?!”
The smile from a second earlier vanished without a trace as she reared her black hair high and flew into a rage. Fortunately we had plotted with Hecate in advance; she swallowed her pride, bowed her head politely, and welcomed Hera, who rounded her eyes as though she had just witnessed something impossible. Then Hades himself stepped into the circle and soothed the atmosphere…
“Hera, I called these two. It has been a long while since I invited you to the Underworld—won’t you sit a moment and talk?”
“Wh-what? Hades, why are you here…?”
Hera reined in her fury and, baffled by the whole scene, decided to hear them out for now.
“Lady Hera, I beg you to listen to Lady Hecate’s words.”
“Please, I entreat you.”
“Hecate…?”
If Hecate could only weather this period she would be free to roam the skies once more. I had stressed that point beforehand, so she poured every ounce of effort into her excuses. Determined never to be sealed in the Underworld again, her earnest pleading finally won Hera’s sympathy. When I laid out the conditions I had already arranged for Medea, the witch flinched; Hades and I seized the opening and pressed our request, and at last Hera relented.
One might think Hera folded rather easily for her usual self, yet even she judged the punishment had run long enough. An oath sworn falsely upon the waters of the Styx brings a year of silence and nine years without divine status; Medea had endured several times that span beside the Jason she could not bear to look upon, and Hecate had been buried in the Underworld for just as long. Once her temper cooled, Hera herself realized it and wore an expression of sudden regret.
And so the matter was settled.
Settled “only,” that is.
Hecate made no attempt to hide her joy, and Medea finally unclenched, yet Hera—feeling she had punished them overlong—shared a twinge of conscience with Hades. Simply sending the two goddesses away would leave the air awkward, and Hera in particular might nurse a grudge. Therefore I opened my mouth again… and very soon came to regret it.
“Lady Hera has granted forgiveness and Lady Hecate has opened her heart, yet if we part like this the rift we have only just mended will crack open once more. It would be a waste to leave so soon—why not stay a little, share food and drink, and talk? A banquet is already in full swing outside; you need not wait long to enjoy it.”
“That sounds fine. I wanted to speak with you anyway.”
Thus began the secret banquet.
The chamber Medea had offered was far too cramped for gods, so we shifted to a scenic outdoor terrace and summoned servants to ferry food and wine. Even though she was queen of this land, Medea never once raised her head; the castle servants, terrified they might accidentally meet a god’s gaze, practically crawled on all fours. No further explanation is needed for how chaotic the place became.
I alone could converse with them as something near an equal, so Hades put me forward and reminisced about our days in the Underworld while Hera brought up Danae and nagged me at length to beware a woman’s wrath. Absolute hell.
What kind of situation is this…
Since when did I get drafted into family gatherings?
Hera would dispense advice laced with scolding, then suddenly turn and berate Medea for a full hour until her chest felt cleared, after which she exploded again with “If you had simply let me scold you face-to-face back then it never would have come to this!” Fortunately it was not true rage like the first outburst; afterward she shared wine with Hecate, her mood lifted, and she asked me why I had come all this way.
What to do?
I considered lying, yet the other party was Hera.
Fearing complications, I finally told the truth…
When I explained that Lord Hephaestus had ordered me to fetch the Golden Fleece in order to win Lady Aphrodite’s favor, and that one thing had led to another until we reached the present mess…
“He asks an outsider to fix his own marriage? And you of all people?!”
She looked utterly incredulous, then—thoroughly drunk—bellowed at the sky.
“You useless baldy! Get down here this instant!”
Rumble! Crash!
Hera’s fury shook the heavens; as if startled, a fireball plummeted from above and Hephaestus appeared.
“Whoa! What in the world is going on here?!”
“Hephaestus! Perfect timing! You—sit right there!”
“Mother?!”
Hephaestus shot me a desperate glance for help; I could only smile awkwardly and shrug. Hera had apparently been storing up words for him for ages, and now that she had this convenient link through me she pressed wine on him and leapt straight into family talk. She was thoroughly displeased that Hephaestus, unable to win his wife’s favor, had gone so far as to command the Golden Fleece; Hephaestus, for his part, grumbled that she had never acted like a proper mother yet now saw fit to meddle in his marriage. For ancient gods they squabbled in a remarkably childish fashion.
“But Mother, you dropped me off a mountain the day I was born!”
“And what sort of child binds his own mother to a chair as bargaining leverage?!”
Even tales from the age of the gods came tumbling out. I, Hades, and Hecate watched the pair while exchanging glances that said “They’re really going to come to blows,” yet since I had created the situation I had no choice but to step in and mediate.
“Lord Hades? Lady Hecate? May I borrow your ears a moment?”
“Hm? Of course.”
“What is it?”
I did not interrupt openly. Instead I pretended to whisper to Hades and Hecate while speaking just loudly enough for the other two to hear. My voice carried so well that, whether they realized the pretense or not, Hades and Hecate soon fell into rhythm with me.
“Even when they fight like that, those two have lived under the same sky on Olympus for ages, haven’t they?”
“Hm? Ah, yes.”
“Lady Hera may sound as though she is tearing Lord Hephaestus’s face to shreds, yet she is fretting over her son with a mother’s heart. And Lord Hephaestus, while dredging up old stories and claiming Lady Thetis is his true mother, still worries about his real mother enough to send her gifts, does he not?”
“That’s right.”
“Yes, I heard the same.”
“Looked at that way, their relationship is not truly so bad. They simply have a rift and feel awkward. They want to reconcile, yet the past snags them, so they snap and snipe…”
“Ahem~! Ahem-ahem~! Exactly so! When they dig up old wounds sharp enough to make each other flinch, they must be hoping one side will finally bow the head.”
“Ahh… I think I understand that feeling…”
“Yet Lady Hera is both mother and Queen of the Gods, so she cannot easily apologize, while Lord Hephaestus believes himself nearly blameless and finds it hard to yield—truly a difficult knot. The scolding Lady Hera just delivered was given as goddess of the household, hoping her son’s marriage might improve… From the outside they look like a close family, and it only makes me sad…”
“You have it right. They wish to draw closer yet keep pushing each other away—a hard relationship indeed.”
“Seeing them unable to bare their true hearts, I almost want to say blood will tell… Am I speaking far too boldly…?”
“Heh-heh-heh… Hold on, Perseus. That is a bit too obvious.”
“Ufufufufu, yes, that goes too far.”
“Ah, was it? Hahaha!”
As I, Hades, and Hecate laughed over the trifles, Hera and Hephaestus finally fell silent, faces flaming red. Realizing every word had been meant for their ears, they drained their cups and held their breath.
“…………”
“…………”
Thereafter the two gods said nothing for a long while, and we simply watched the space between them. Even in silence that quiet was delightful; smiles refused to leave Hades’s and Hecate’s lips.
──That was the end of my recollection.
And now, the present.
“Still not enough? Shall I throw in a few more lines?”
“────?!”
“────?!”
At last the two gods broke.
“Enough, enough! I understand, so stop it! How dare you mock me, you clever little thing!”
“Perseus… you really…”
Hera and Hephaestus wore sour faces, yet they first stretched out hands of reconciliation.
“Ahem. On second thought, those were not words fit for Mother. She spoke only for my sake, and I reacted far too sharply. Including the old matters, please forgive your son’s rudeness.”
“Very well. I was harsh with you as well, so let us call it even. Thinking it over, that lust-crazed bitch Aphrodite was the real problem—not you. Everyone knows the goodness of your heart, so do not take it so hard.”
“Thank you. Hearing that from Mother, goddess of the household, sets my mind at ease.”
The mood was pleasant, yet the gazes that poured onto me afterward were fierce. I could only force a smile and hurriedly bow my head.
“Perseus?”
“Have you nothing to say?”
“Aigoo~! Even if you glare at me like that, I never said a single wrong word~! If I had spoken straight out I never could have stopped your fight~! If not now, when else would the two of you ever clear the air~?! Since you were both here I wanted to send you off on good terms, so I deliberately played the fool~! Please take that into account and forgive me~!”
I deliberately put on the voice of a clown or sycophant and knocked my forehead to the ground; behind me Hades’s and Hecate’s great laughter rang out. Fortunately it worked on Hera and Hephaestus as well—they sighed and ceased being angry with me.
“Hmph… Really… I cannot tell what is inside that head of yours… Did a cunning snake crawl in there…?”
“Like a little Hermes, I can see why that fellow claimed you as a younger brother.”
I nodded again and again, thanking the two gods for their mercy. Told to raise my head and sit, the banquet naturally stretched on into the night, and the atmosphere turned into one where I wondered whether I even belonged.
Hera cursed that all men are fools and advised me never to become like them; Hephaestus kept ruffling my hair with his enormous hand while chatting about marriage with Mother Hera; Hades soothed that same Hera and at the same time left mediation to me; Hecate coaxed Medea about the future then suddenly turned and sought my opinion.
What the hell am I even doing?
Playing the jester in a gathering of four gods—Hera, Hephaestus, Hades, Hecate—was simply absurd. The servants could not lift their heads, so I poured the wine, carved the meat, and slipped little supplements into the conversation whenever voices threatened to rise. Gods especially tend to misspeak when their tongues race; a quick “Ah, that was never the intention—it merely turned out this way~?” and a knowing look let everyone pass over it in good humor.
“Ugh… My body… what on earth…”
In the midst of it all, the collapsed Jason finally woke. We had brought the fallen man along when we moved outdoors; the instant he opened his eyes he looked at me and the surrounding gods and uttered a single line.
“…………What the hell is this, really?”
His speech was far too clear for someone just rising from sleep. Being a hero himself, he must have pierced the gods’ majesty in a single glance. Cursed by the witch Medea and waking to four deities at once—no wonder he was stunned. I answered by addressing every god present.
“Rejoice. One more fool has arrived to liven up the gathering.”
“Eh? W-wait, what do you mean—?!”
While the 11th Jason jabbed a bewildered finger at his own chest, Hera lurched to her feet and bellowed at the top of her lungs. Naturally she was drunk; every shout set the sky trembling.
“Jason! You sit down as well! This Hera will tell you a story essential to your life—listen with joy!”
“Y-yes?!”
“Lady Hera is calling! What are you doing still standing there?!”
“Ugh?!”
Jason, still utterly lost, could only gape. Medea, making no effort to hide her hysterical expression, shoved him hard onto the table. He ended up seated without ever grasping the situation and was forced to endure Hera’s endless domestic sermon.
Jason! I’m sorry!
Sorry I couldn’t protect you.
But I saved you too, so we’re even.
* Hera had cast the newborn Hephaestus from a mountain peak; Thetis and the nymphs happened upon him and raised him. Later Hephaestus bound Hera to a golden throne with hidden chains and blackmailed Zeus into granting him Aphrodite as wife. Since the marriage was forced, it was only natural their life together went poorly—he reaped what he sowed.