The Meeting Dances, Yet No Progress (2)
Luoyang, the imperial palace. There was an unspoken rule that dictators loved to plaster gold everywhere, as if someone had decreed it, and Dong Zhuo—who still dreamed of becoming a great dictator even if he wasn’t quite there yet—was no exception. The moment he seized the top spot in Han power, he had every piece of furniture in his office covered in gold. However, Dong Zhuo’s artistic sensibilities, honed from wandering between Bing Province and Xiliang, were rather crude, and his closest aides were likewise former Xiliang warlords with little appreciation for art. The result was an office that radiated not splendor, but a vulgar, excessive luxury.
Sunlight streaming through the windows reflected off the gold-plated furnishings, casting a painfully bright yellow glare. It was doing serious damage to everyone’s eyesight, but Dong Zhuo possessed no medical knowledge to notice. Of course, if the imperial architect who designed the office hadn’t harbored malicious intent, the light wouldn’t have struck the eyes so directly—but since Dong Zhuo and his aides had merely stood around muttering “Ooh… shiny… gold… like…” while the work was done, true luxury required someone who actually knew how to spend it properly.
The Imperial Guards had noticed the situation, of course, but they harbored enough resentment toward Dong Zhuo for stripping gold from the palace to decorate his own office that they never warned him about the architect’s sabotage. Moreover, with the radical Confucian-Taliban terrorists growing increasingly violent, the gold-armored bodyguards were constantly on duty, so it was hardly surprising that Dong Zhuo’s vision was rapidly deteriorating.
Yes, Dong Zhuo’s health was declining at an alarming rate. The human body is far easier to ruin than to build, after all. After seizing full control of Luoyang and spending a year indulging in pleasure without ever mounting a horse, his physique had come to resemble that of most people who never left their rooms. “I never noticed while I was always on horseback, but after going so long without riding, my thighs have grown quite fat.”
Dong Zhuo’s warhorse could barely carry his massively bloated frame, and since horseback riding was the only form of exercise permitted to the nation’s leader, his body continued shifting toward an ever more safety-oriented design. Blood pressure rose, blood thickened, nerves frayed. The stress of holding together the three splintered factions within his own army caused his hair to fall out in clumps, and his face had remained locked in a scowl for months.
Fewer and fewer reports brought him any satisfaction. After the Emperor’s disappearance, the local gentry no longer bothered to display even token loyalty to Dong Zhuo. The situation was steadily worsening.
“What… what?! What the hell happened in Pingyuan Commandery?!”
“General Lü’s madness flared up again… He led his personal cavalry straight into Pingyuan and was annihilated. General Lü… was killed in action.”
The brush Dong Zhuo had been holding slipped from his fingers and stained his robes black, but he had no attention to spare for such a trivial accident.
“Yan State?! I thought we agreed Yan territory was to be attacked last! What the hell was Guo Si doing?!”
“It seems General Lü was deceived by the claim that any advance into Yanzhou would have to pass near Pingyuan. After the battle began, General Guo sent envoys seeking peace talks, but Gongsun Gong keeps delaying negotiations on the excuse that Gongsun Zan is in Liaodong.”
“…Ugh… Son-in-law! Summon my son-in-law at once! And bring every central official who has any connection to Bai Gui! If we fight Yan now, we’re finished! We’ll only be doing Yuan Shu a favor!”
Dong Zhuo habitually tore at his hair; another handful came away in his grip.
---
“So, when exactly is the Duke of Yan going to show up?”
In the end, Guo Si personally entered the Pingyuan fortress. He had already been holding the messengers hostage for a week without sending them back, and Gongsun Zan—who had promised to come—had yet to show even his shadow. Morale among the troops forced to camp on foreign soil was steadily dropping, and if word leaked that Dong Zhuo had ordered an invasion of Yanzhou before negotiations were even concluded, there was a real risk that a second anti-Dong Zhuo coalition would form, this time centered around Cao Cao and including Yan.
A million-strong army armed with grain from the plains of Ji and You Provinces and steel from Liaodong marching down the Yellow River toward Luoyang? It would be a catastrophe. At least Gongsun Zan had so far contented himself with maintaining a standing force of only tens of thousands rather than raising a massive conscript army, which kept Dong Zhuo from growing too wary. But if he began conscripting soldiers and handing out spears, that number could swell to hundreds of thousands overnight. Should local warlords like Yuan Shu, Tao Qian, or Gong Rong lend their support, the total could easily reach millions.
If things reached that point, Guo Si would clearly have to answer for the failure with his own head. It was only natural that impatience began to gnaw at him.
When he first entered the fortress, Guo Si had been pleased by the warm welcome from Liu Bei and her soldiers. But his expression had hardened upon seeing Cao Cao wandering about inside, and after days of endless meetings filled with one excuse after another, his impatience was beginning to consume him.
“How far is it to Liaodong? He can’t possibly arrive so soon… Please wait just a little longer.”
“Hah! A single day’s sail along the sea route would suffice. What kind of scheme is he plotting that we’ve heard nothing for days? No… As for the compensation of ten thousand cash, I can arrange payment immediately. Would that settle the matter?!”
Ten catties of gold was hardly a large sum—roughly equivalent to several tens of thousands of cash. Considering that during the era when the Economic Monarch had been active, purchasing a commandery governor’s post required millions of cash, ten catties of gold was an amount even a mere county magistrate could pay without difficulty.
“The winter seas are treacherous. Would you ask His Excellency the Duke to travel a route that even lifelong sailors avoid?”
“Haah… That’s not what I meant…”
“Furthermore, the reason we are keeping Your Excellency waiting is not merely to receive a few coins. We wish to know whether Lord Dong the Grand Commandant has decided to treat Yan as an enemy, and if not, why he chose to antagonize the territory of the Governor of Yanzhou—a loyal subject of the Han. And if this was General Lü’s independent action, then we seek Lord Dong’s true intentions.”
“…”
“So please wait a little longer. Your Excellency is well aware of how grave this matter is. He will arrive via the fastest available transport.”
“I’ll trust you this once.”
“Some fine wine has arrived. Since there’s nothing to be done for now, please rest and recover from your journey.”
Wine cups passed between Liu Bei, Cao Cao, and Guo Si while dancers entered to liven the atmosphere. The conference hall began to dance.
In the end, Gongsun Zan never came to Pingyuan Commandery before winter ended.
---
In the grand conference hall of the ducal residence, people gathered one after another around a large table bearing a map of the former Central Plains. At the highest seat sat His Imperial Majesty and his younger sister, the Prince of Bohai Liu Xie. Below them sat the Regent and senior imperial relative, the former Governor of You Province Liu Yu. Below that was my seat as the Duke of Yan, Gongsun Zan.
Before me stood a massive desk of golden-threaded sandalwood, upon which lay a map of the twelve provinces of the Later Han and miniature figures representing Yan’s soldiers. Sunlight poured through the wide, long windows, brightening the room. The commanders of the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Regiments—Quan Hai, Fan Fang, and Xu Ying—sat in their places with grave expressions. A messenger sent by Liu Bei and Dadun, commander of the 4th Special Task Force, had arrived and taken their seats.
“Your Excellency, yesterday at the hour of the Rooster, Lü Bu and Guo Si’s forces assaulted the fortress of Liu Xuande, Governor of Pingyuan, and were annihilated. As a result, two hundred arrows, five Yeongangno crossbows, and fifty assault spears were damaged and require repair. Including wall repairs, we request ten catties of gold.”
“Ten catties of gold? That’s all?”
Building a single hot-air balloon cost dozens to hundreds of catties of gold. When I heard fighting had broken out in Pingyuan, I had worried about how bad things had gotten, but if the entire war only cost ten catties of gold, there was little cause for concern. In cash terms, it was merely several tens of thousands—literally the monthly budget of a single battalion.
“However… Lü Bu was killed. Dong Zhuo had ordered Cao Cao’s Yanzhou to be invaded… and it seems the Governor of Yanzhou overheard the order directly, which created the problem.”
“…That’s rather serious. Should I go down there myself?”
Lü Bu had been Dong Zhuo’s undisputed ace. Even I, who knew little of the Three Kingdoms, had seen internet stories about the locust of Hulao Pass, and even Hualian remembered Lü Bu’s name. I had assumed he died after taking a direct hit from a Jincheonroe to the face at Hulao Pass, but apparently a physician from Jingzhou named Zhang Zhongjing had somehow kept him alive. His medical skill—saving a man from wounds that would be difficult even with modern medicine and restoring him enough to wield cold weapons again—seemed superior even to the 4th Division’s Obo and Banyamo. Yet apparently even he could not revive someone struck by dozens of arrows.
Dong Zhuo still had other assault commanders besides Lü Bu, but the loss of Lü Bu, the spiritual pillar of the Bing Province army, would inevitably accelerate the cracks already forming in Dong Zhuo’s forces. In that case, Dong Zhuo would surely try to patch those cracks by creating an external enemy.
Then he would either manufacture an outside foe to unite his people, like the bald rat Toyotomi Hideyoshi, or designate an internal minority as the enemy to rally the majority, like that failed art student Adolf. Having already consumed Sili, Bing, and Xiliang, everyone could have lived in peace if he had simply been content with what he had. I personally could never understand why anyone would endure such stress just to frantically color in more of the map for the sake of power.
“What did Liu Bei say?”
“Ah, she said she would keep Dong Zhuo’s anxiety burning. She sent word that you may take your time and come slowly.”
Since Dong Zhuo’s army had already split into three factions without any effort on our part, the plan was simply to drag things out and let their internal divisions fester… Truly, her ability to devise such schemes already marked her as a future great warlord. Her character was dazzling.
“Good. If she’s painted such a pretty picture, we should play along. Dadun, keep gathering intelligence from the Luoyang side. We’ll watch and wait, then move once winter ends. Let’s make their hearts flutter a bit.”
---
The meeting that began that winter lasted a full three months. Whenever progress seemed possible, banquets were held. Excuses piled up—someone caught a cold, it coincided with my daughter Gongsun Yun’s birthday, my father-in-law’s health took a turn for the worse, even the claim that my cousin Gongsun Yue had been kidnapped by the Xianbei. In the end, Dong Zhuo’s patience reached its limit. He dragged his massive body to Pingyuan Commandery in person. Liu Bei, judging that she could stall no longer, sent an SOS.
Thanks to spring’s arrival, the Yellow Sea had calmed. I crossed it in a single day and arrived at Pingyuan. When I stepped out of the cabin, Dong Zhuo was already waiting at the harbor with his entourage.
“Ever since you became Duke of Yan, it’s been hard to see your face.”
“The movements of the northern Xianbei have been rather unsettling lately. As someone responsible for guarding the Han’s borders, I cannot overlook it.”
The last time we met, Dong Zhuo’s rank had been far higher than mine. Now we were equals—Grand Commandant, one of the Three Excellencies, and Duke. Our manner of address naturally shifted from superior-subordinate to mutual respect, though an awkwardness lingered that failed to conceal his impatience. Just as the old man had said, the cracks in Dong Zhuo’s army had reached their limit.
“At any rate, it’s good to see you. Since we’re all acquainted, let’s finish this conversation quickly. I’ll pay you a hundred catties of gold. In exchange, I want you to withdraw your troops from this wretched Pingyuan Commandery.”
“Money isn’t the issue… not at all. The issue is that you, Lord Dong the Grand Commandant, issued an order to target the Governor of Yanzhou.”
“Cao Cao joined the coalition that tried to strike me down. Would you spare a brat who aimed for your own throat?”
“I’m sorry, but Cao Mengde is a drinking friend of mine. I know him well. It’s true he joined the anti-Dong Zhuo coalition… but that was because he was deceived by that traitor Yuan Shao’s silver tongue.”
“Puhaha! Duke of Yan, I’m not such a fool that I can’t see through that. The one who wrote the letters gathering those vermin for the so-called anti-Dong Zhuo coalition was Cao Cao. Unless my eyes are knotholes, stop making empty excuses.”
“If you’re so good at judging character, how could you make such a mistake? Cao Mengde comes from a eunuch family. A eunuch! That’s why he served as adjutant to General-in-Chief He Jin, and was designated as his successor.”
“Hmm…”
“Suppose, as you say, Cao Mengde rebelled for his own advancement. Then logically he should have allied with the Ten Eunuchs, not with Yuan Shao of the Clean Stream faction. Do you think no one received the palace examination results?!”
“…Duke of Yan—no, Gongsun Zan. I’ll pretend I was fooled by that ridiculous excuse and overlook this incident.”
“Even so, we’re both dukes. I would appreciate it if you maintained proper courtesy.”
“Fine. Since I’m already being generous… and your names are similar enough to confuse anyway, I’ll even throw in Yanzhou. But don’t get greedy beyond that. Understood?”
“Watch your tone. Just because I’m speaking respectfully doesn’t mean you can act familiar.”
This man… He had enjoyed wealth and glory for so long that his former self was nowhere to be found. The warrior’s physique that had once been no less imposing than mine had been entirely devoured by fat, reshaped into a safety-first design. No matter how fiercely he glared with that body, it no longer posed any real threat.
“You’ve already taken Luoyang, Sili, and Bing. Don’t even think about sticking your nose in my front yard. Just take what you can and leave. Or would you rather have a proper fight with me? Shall we spin the bowl once? Bring in the second or third anti-Dong Zhuo coalition?”
While some people were flying through the skies, shitting blood by land, sea, and air to end this chaotic age, the sight of a deliberately spared piglet constantly scratching at my nerves left me in a thoroughly foul mood.
“The only reason I’m keeping you alive is because it helps end this chaotic age faster. Don’t cross the line again, you bastard.”