Chapter 10. Mirror
Chapter 10. Mirror
Chapter 10. Mirror
Since that day, my fingertips have noticeably dulled.
Every time I raised my hand to fire off Blue Lightning, that child's eyes kept coming to mind.
That desperate gaze, trying to protect their parents even while trembling in terror, and So-hee's face projected beyond that silhouette.
So, I avoided conflict whenever possible.
I didn't bother touching people or monsters first.
I endured even when annoyed, and turned away when I ran into them.
I just wandered through the ruins like a ghost, without a sound.
Since that day, I never killed anyone first anymore.
But that couldn't be atonement.
I had already killed thousands. Stopping my hand now wouldn't bring them back to life.
I didn't want to be forgiven, either.
I just... didn't want to do things that So-hee would hate.
That was all.
Once, a beast that had changed came rushing at me.
In the past, I would have reflexively unleashed Blue Lightning.
But at that moment, my hand hesitated.
The beast's empty eyes were somehow like a mirror.
In that brief delay, there was one truth I realized with certainty.
That whether I kill people or stop and stand still, it's hell either way.
That no matter which side I choose, I have already drifted too far from the trajectory of a human.
In the end, I was bitten by the creature.
I realized once again what kind of result a moment of hesitation brings in a battle of life and death.
How long has it been since I felt pure physical pain?
Even though the creature succeeded in its attack, it looked puzzled, as if it hadn't expected to succeed.
I lightly placed my hand on its foolish head and, so it wouldn't feel even a second of pain, I instantly sent a high-voltage current through it to annihilate it.
I resumed walking, letting my blood-dripping arm dangle.
How long had I been wandering the ruins without a destination?
I crossed a hill on the outskirts of the city and reached an unfamiliar area where relatively intact buildings were clustered.
There were people. Quite a few.
They had built a fairly decent barricade by weaving together collapsed furniture and vehicles, and they were burning firewood in large oil drums to maintain visibility.
In one corner, I could see adults fairly distributing food to the children.
It was a small but very dense and solid community, struggling while leaning on each other's shoulders to survive as humans in this apocalyptic world, no matter what.
Perhaps someone was cracking a lame joke next to the man standing guard, as intermittent, low laughter could be heard riding the night air.
Even though the world had been so thoroughly broken, humans were still struggling to survive in human form.
Instead of overcoming panic, escaping fear, and stealing from or slaughtering each other, they were sharing warmth.
Instead of trampling and rising above, they were becoming each other's support.
...Such noble remnants still existed on this earth.
My arrogant conclusion, which had demonized all survivors by cynically labeling them 'all the same scum,' was brutally shattered before their peaceful scene.
At the very least, the humans in that area didn't seem to be monsters like me.
It was a comfortable scene, one I hadn't witnessed in a very long time, of 'humans living like humans.'
Without realizing it, my footsteps moved toward that light.
I don't know what I was hoping for as I approached that place.
Perhaps... I just missed the warmth of people.
That ordinary time when I could sit around a burning bonfire and share some trivial jokes with someone.
However, my pathetic craving didn't even last a few steps.
The moment they discovered me, their faces turned pale.
The hands warming themselves by the fire stopped. The hands that were distributing food froze in mid-air.
A man pointed at me with a trembling finger.
"...Th-that!"
"Blue Lightning... It's the Slaughterer!! Run away!!"
It turned into chaos in an instant.
Screams erupted, and people scattered in all directions.
They threw away the barricades they had painstakingly built, the fire they had lit, the food they were sharing, and the luggage they were carrying.
They were just screaming, trying their best to get even one step further away from me.
In the midst of that hellish evacuation, a young woman fell while trying to run to a corner wall with her child in her arms.
Cornered in a dead end, she desperately shielded the child, blocking the child's view with her own thin body.
And she began to beg desperately, rubbing her two hands together until they bled, toward me.
Please spare her. She would do anything, so please, just don't kill the child.
The Japanese, which had started being automatically interpreted in my brain at some point, drove this young mother's blood-soaked scream into my eardrums all too clearly.
The moment I faced that desperate scene.
Something made a clinking sound as it shattered in my head.
...It was a scene I had seen many times before.
A pitiful human begging for their life while shielding a child.
And a murderer standing tall like a grim reaper in front of that helpless existence, draped in blue lightning of destruction.
In the place of that nauseating murderer, it was none other than me standing there now.
A figure perfectly symmetrical to that group of Japanese thugs who had brutally stabbed So-hee to death and giggled.
The very image of the ugly perpetrator that I had hated and loathed so much that I tore their chests apart to kill them, and slaughtered them even to the point of scorching half of this island, was now superimposed over my own face.
Before I knew it, I had become a 'monster' exactly the same as that trash, without a single margin of error.
Making weak people tremble and run away, making a mother hold her child and scream for her life.
Such a monster.
My hands were shaking.
The blue sparks at my fingertips flickered on their own, regardless of my will.
"...No."
I stepped back without realizing it.
"No. I... I am different... from those guys."
'But, what's different?'
I asked myself, but I couldn't answer.
Because there was no difference. I, too, had countless times... someone's So-hee. Someone's everything...
I must have trampled them just as ruthlessly.
I collapsed to the spot as if my knees had buckled.
I had vowed to protect So-hee.
I had sharpened my blade to soothe her unjust spirit.
But when I came to my senses, I had the appearance of the devil that So-hee would have hated and been saddened by the most in the world.
The Seo Ji-han that So-hee loved so much.
The one who, even if blunt and cynical, couldn't pretend not to see when a thug picked a fight on the street and would inevitably jump in.
He was such an honest and kind fool. He was that kind of guy.
Where on earth did that Seo Ji-han go?
When, and where. Did I become this broken?
'...So-hee.'
If you are watching this ugly scene from heaven.
If you saw me now.
What kind of expression would you have made?
I covered my face with both hands.
A faint blue light still leaked from those hands.
I couldn't even count how many people I had killed with these hands anymore.
And with those hands, I was covering my face now.
...It wasn't even funny.
A face that didn't even deserve to be covered.
I sat there for a long time, covering my face like that.
Until the blue light at my fingertips faded completely.
Then, I heard small footsteps walking toward me, hesitating amidst the crowd that had fled in all directions far away.
It was a young girl.
A small frame that looked like she was at most a middle school student.
Even though the child was trembling with fear, she approached my left arm, which was lying limp and covered in blood from being bitten by the beast.
And she took a tattered handkerchief from her pocket and began to carefully wipe away the blood-caked arm.
I stared blankly at the child's miraculous action with unfocused eyes.
The child's fingers were clearly trembling noticeably due to fear.
But even so, she didn't run away and was gently cradling the wounds of this ugly monster as if handling a baby.
As if this act of helping someone in trouble was the absolute, unchanging answer even in this hellscape.
If So-hee were alive in this place, she would have done exactly the same thing as this child.
The very fact that a human who maintained such a foolishly noble and kind heart still existed and survived in this world of barbarism was a marvel.
Perhaps... the thought that this insane world might still be worth living in, just a little bit more than I thought, crossed my mind for the first time in a long time.
"...Thank you."
As familiar Korean, not Japanese, flowed from my cracked lips, the child's eyes, which had been wiping my wounds, widened, and she made a surprised expression.
I stood up and slowly approached the mother and daughter from earlier.
Seeing me approach, one of the survivors hiding behind them unleashed a desperate supernatural attack toward the back of my head.
A massive cluster of sharply refined ice spikes rushed toward my heart.
It seemed they had a very close relationship with that mother and daughter.
Perhaps he was that woman's husband, and a father who wanted to protect that child with his life.
I lightly flicked my finger toward the ice spikes flying at me and released Electric Shock.
Kwa-ang! Paseuseu....
The ice that collided with the high-voltage lightning in mid-air was instantly pulverized into tens of thousands of fine fragments and scattered.
The ice dust, reflecting the colorful lights pouring from the sky and scattering into the atmosphere, left an afterimage that was terribly, beautifully out of place in this blood-soaked hell.
From far beyond the barricade, I could hear the sound of someone being roughly scolded.
They were probably grabbing the reckless man who threw those ice spikes by the collar, asking if he was trying to provoke that monster and get our whole group slaughtered.
I thought about killing him for attacking me, but I stopped.
Because the child who had wiped my wounds was looking at me with eyes filled with such terror that she looked like she couldn't breathe, afraid that the Slaughterer would wake up again.
I heard the mother and daughter sighing behind me.
I quelled the current wrapping around my hand.
I didn't want to kill anyone.
At least, not here.
I approached the mother and daughter and reached out to help her up.
"Don't worry. I won't harm you."
Upon hearing my voice, her tear-stained face wore an expression of disbelief, as if she had seen a ghost.
Before long, she grabbed my hand and stood up, putting effort into her trembling legs.
I slowly turned my back on them.
And I quietly left that area.
Without touching anyone. Without looking back even once.
I could faintly hear the sound of people murmuring in relief behind my back.
That the monster had just passed by.
That they had lived.
That sound, somehow, hurt even more.
It wasn't because I spared them.
They were relieved that I left.
To the people, I was now a disaster to be avoided, like an earthquake or a volcano.
An existence for which they were grateful just for passing by, not for helping.
'So-hee. I think I've really come too far....'
I felt someone following me, but I ignored it.
They must be trying to track my location.
Just... whatever, I let them do as they pleased.
I came out of the outskirts and walked aimlessly through the ruined streets again.
Where to go, what to do. Nothing came to mind.
I just wandered through the collapsed city wherever my feet took me.
Then, suddenly, I realized I was looking for something.
It was a mirror.
I wanted to confirm with these two eyes exactly what kind of state I had become.
I walked through the ruins for a long time and stopped in front of a collapsed fountain.
Someone's face was reflected vaguely on the muddy water pooled on the ground.
Hollow, sunken eyes. A bloodless face.
Between the disheveled hair, a faintly flickering blue light.
"...Who is this, anyway."
At the very least, it wasn't the Seo Ji-han I knew.
It was even less the Seo Ji-han who was blunt but kind, whom So-hee liked so much.
I raised my hand and touched my face.
The reflection in the water raised its hand, too.
It was undeniably myself.
With the face of this disgusting monster, how am I supposed to live the rest of my life?
What on earth should I use as a signpost, and what should I hope for as I live?
...No answer came to mind.
I silently stared at that terribly unfamiliar murderer's face submerged in the water for a very long time, until the night deepened.