The Weight of Old Wounds

Even if her heart didn’t feel it, Gyujin’s text arrived around lunchtime. Minjun sat at the dining table, sipping coffee that had gone cold. Across from him, Eunju stared silently at her phone. The quiet calm after breakfast still lingered in the house, but the haze of last night’s drinking hadn’t completely faded. The phone gave a short buzz. Minjun checked the screen. It was Gyujin. He read the message, and his face settled into an expression that was neither a smile nor a frown. Seeing that look, Eunju lifted her head.

“Who is it?”

“Gyujin.”

Eunju’s hand froze. Minjun slid the phone across the table toward her. She hesitated for a moment before looking at the screen.

At the last sentence, Eunju’s face flushed slightly.

“Impossible to figure out,” she read softly.

Minjun set his coffee cup down. “Sounds like him.”

Eunju stared at the screen a little longer, then pushed the phone back. “He must have felt uncomfortable.”

“Of course he did.” Minjun didn’t deny it. “He saw his friend’s wife as a woman, I didn’t stop it, and you even told him to look comfortably.”

Eunju pressed her lips together. Hearing the words from Minjun’s mouth made the scenes from last night sharpen again in her mind. The cold night air at the outdoor table. The moment she slipped off her cardigan. The way Gyujin had swallowed hard while looking at her. Minjun’s drunken-sounding laugh as he allowed that gaze. Eunju wrapped her fingers around her water glass.

“Gyujin isn’t… that kind of person.”

“I know.” Minjun nodded. “That’s what makes it more complicated.”

Gyujin wasn’t just any man. He was Minjun’s longtime friend. Before the divorce, they had met as couples, even bringing the kids along. He was the one who tilted his glass and listened whenever Minjun had something hard to say. The kind of man who could be crude with jokes but never treated close people carelessly. And he was the man whose wife had cheated on him, leading to divorce.

That truth settled quietly between them. Eunju knew it too. During Gyujin’s divorce, there had been several nights when Minjun came home late. Nights when he had taken a drunk Gyujin home, listened to him until dawn, then returned with nothing but a heavy sigh. Back then, Eunju had only felt pity. The pain of a betrayed man. A broken home. Gyujin, raging like a child yet forced to endure like an adult.

And now they were trying to pull that same Gyujin into their own world.

Eunju understood the weight of it. “It might be cruel to Gyujin.”

Minjun looked at her. “Yeah.”

It was a short answer. Eunju lowered her gaze. “After what happened with his ex-wife, he must be even more sensitive about that kind of thing.”

“That’s why we can’t hide it,” Minjun said.

Eunju looked up. Minjun stared down at his phone for a moment before continuing slowly. “If we brush it off like a joke the way we did last night, Gyujin will keep getting confused. Whether he’s the crazy one, whether I was just messing around while drunk, or whether he crossed a line. In the end, he might just end up carrying all the guilt alone.”

Eunju said nothing. Minjun spoke even more quietly. “And Gyujin is my friend. If we’re going to pull him in, we can’t lie to him.”

Eunju let those words sink in for a long time. Pull him in. He was right. Gyujin hadn’t been the one to step forward. Minjun had asked if they could come along, Eunju had nodded, and together they had cracked open their strange door just a little in front of him. Gyujin had been flustered, had wanted to look, and at the same time had felt guilty.

Suddenly Eunju remembered Gyujin’s face from last night. The face that had asked if it was okay to look. The face that had said it was only polite to admire something beautiful. He had smiled as if it were a joke, but his eyes had never become completely light. Those eyes weren’t cheap. That was what had stayed with her.

“The way Gyujin looked at me…” Eunju paused, choosing her words carefully. Minjun waited. “It didn’t feel cheap.”

Minjun’s eyes shifted slightly. Eunju continued slowly. “It was different from the men at the photography club. Their eyes already wanted to possess my body. But Gyujin… even while thinking he shouldn’t look, he couldn’t ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠hide the fact that he saw me as a woman.”

Minjun listened in silence. Eunju’s face burned, but she kept going. “So it didn’t feel rude. If anything… it felt a little… grateful.”

At those words, Minjun smiled painfully. “I know.”

“You saw it too?”

“Of course.” His voice dropped lower. “That’s why I pushed it even further.”

Eunju looked at him. Minjun didn’t avoid her gaze. “I saw how beautifully he looked at you. But it wasn’t dirty. And that… excited me even more.”

He stopped. Eunju understood without him saying it. That too must have stirred Minjun’s desire. The pleasure of something different from watching his wife being consumed by lewd eyes. The sight of his oldest friend carefully gazing at his friend’s wife, caught between courtesy and desire. The way that very caution made the man’s desire stand out even more clearly. Minjun wouldn’t have been able to simply let it pass.

“Let’s be honest,” Minjun said.

Eunju held her breath. “How far?”

“We don’t have to tell him everything from the beginning. Leave out the photography club stuff.”

Eunju nodded immediately. That was obvious. The risks there were far too real. The club, the photos, the contracts, the rumors. Those things were too far beyond what they could share with Gyujin.

Minjun continued. “Instead, we’ll tell him that our marriage has changed a little lately. That I have those tendencies. That we realized you’re not someone who only dislikes receiving men’s gazes. And that yesterday we let a little of that show in front of him.”

Eunju’s fingertips trembled slightly. Minjun looked at her. “Are you okay with that?”

Eunju didn’t answer right away. Telling Gyujin wasn’t simply about explaining. It meant he would see her differently. It meant he would learn that last night’s drinking party wasn’t just an odd moment, but that she was truly a woman with those inclinations. Just thinking about it made her face burn. But she didn’t want to run from it.

“It’s okay,” Eunju said. “But…”

Minjun waited.

“Even if Gyujin starts looking at you strangely, don’t try to hold on to him too tightly.”

Minjun was silent for a moment. Eunju added, “He went through that with his ex-wife. Even if his head understands, his heart might not be able to accept it. That’s something we can’t control.”

Minjun nodded. “Yeah. Whether he stays our friend or not is something Gyujin has to decide.”

Eunju spoke calmly, but the words didn’t come easily. She knew the responsibility for pulling Gyujin in lay with the two of them. This wasn’t something that could be handled in a few lines of text.

“I’ll meet him and talk,” Minjun said, looking at her. “Today?”

“Yes. If we put it off, it’ll only get weirder.”

Eunju nodded. “Don’t mention the photography club.”

“I won’t.” Minjun took a short breath. “I’ll talk about myself. Why I couldn’t fully sympathize with what happened to Gyujin’s ex-wife. And why I played that prank yesterday.”

Eunju pressed her lips together. “He might get hurt. He might feel like you thought his pain was trivial.”

Minjun shook his head. “I never thought it was trivial. I have to say that clearly.”

Eunju said nothing ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠more. Minjun turned on his phone and typed.

The reply didn’t take long.

Minjun turned off the screen. Eunju watched his hand. She thought about how that same hand had held her last night. And now that hand was about to lay their shame bare in front of his oldest friend.

When evening came, Minjun left the house alone. The bar where he always met Gyujin was tucked inside a narrow alley in the city. It was an unremarkable old place. Tables soaked with the smell of oil, a faded menu stuck to the wall, middle-aged men always drinking in the same seats. Gyujin was already there. When he saw Minjun, he raised his hand. He tried to smile like usual, but the awkwardness from last night still lingered on his face.

“You’re here.”

“Yeah.”

Minjun sat across from him. They ordered drinks and food. Until the glasses were filled and the first round emptied, neither brought up the real reason they were there. Gyujin spoke first.

“I was out of line yesterday, wasn’t I?”

Minjun set his glass down. “What do you mean?”

“I looked at my friend’s wife too much like a woman.” Gyujin smiled bitterly. “Even after I got home, it kept bothering me. I feel bad toward you, and toward Eunju too.”

Minjun didn’t answer right away. Seeing his silence, Gyujin touched his glass. “But you were strange too. Normally you wouldn’t create that kind of atmosphere even as a joke. Yesterday it felt like you were doing it on purpose.”

Minjun lifted his head. “You’re right.”

Gyujin’s hand stopped. Minjun didn’t avoid his gaze. “I did it on purpose. Half of it was a joke. The other half was sincere.”

The smile vanished from Gyujin’s face. Minjun stared at his glass for a long time. This story could be especially cruel to Gyujin. He was the friend who had been destroyed by his wife’s infidelity. Minjun had heard all of that pain up close. He had watched Gyujin repeat the same stories all night, watched him collapse between rage and self-reproach while clutching his glass. Minjun had never taken that pain lightly. But he hadn’t been able to fully sympathize with it either. He had to say it.

“When you were getting divorced…”

Gyujin’s face hardened. Minjun spoke slowly. “I heard a lot from you. I know how betrayed you felt. I saw how devastating it is when someone you trusted deceives you and builds another relationship behind your back.”

Gyujin said nothing. Minjun turned his glass with his fingertips. “But I’m sorry to say… I understood your sense of betrayal, but I couldn’t fully sympathize with the wound left by the physical infidelity itself.”

Gyujin’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

Minjun let out a long breath. “To me, infidelity is about hiding things. It’s deception. It’s shutting your partner out and moving your heart somewhere else while lying about it.” He looked straight at Gyujin. “That’s what your ex-wife did, right? She deceived you, excluded you, and built another world with someone else outside the relationship you believed in. To me, that’s betrayal too.”

Gyujin stayed silent. Minjun lowered his voice. “But simply the act of my wife’s body touching another man… I can’t accept that wound the same way you do. In fact, I’m drawn to it.”

Gyujin’s face stiffened. “Are you serious right now?”

“Yes.”

“Then yesterday…”

“That’s why.”

Minjun emptied his glass. The liquor burned down his throat, but his insides felt even drier. Gyujin remained silent for a long time. Minjun didn’t try to escape the quiet.

Finally Gyujin spoke in a low voice. “Keep going.”

Minjun nodded. “The end of my desire isn’t just seeing Eunju look like a woman to another man.”

Gyujin’s hand tightened around his glass. Minjun continued with difficulty. “I imagine Eunju mixing her body with another man. I imagine her failing to hold the line she drew as a rational person in front of his desire, surrendering to the pleasure of the flesh. And me watching it with my own eyes. That’s close to the peak of pleasure for me.”

Gyujin let out a hollow laugh. “Dude, you really…” He couldn’t finish.

Minjun nodded. “I know it sounds insane. It must sound even worse to you, because of what you went through.”

Gyujin lifted his glass and drank it in one go. “How is that not infidelity?”

Minjun didn’t answer immediately. He had expected the question, but hearing it still made his chest feel heavy. “If Eunju deceives me, that’s infidelity. If she meets someone behind my back, lies to me, hides her body and heart outside my sight, that’s infidelity. I couldn’t endure that either.”

Gyujin was watching him. Minjun spoke even more quietly. “But if Eunju accepts another man’s desire in front of me, with my consent, while I watch, that’s different. It doesn’t exclude me. It actually places me in the very center of that pleasure.”

Gyujin frowned. “Honestly, I don’t understand. I get that you’re saying it’s different in words, but to my ears it sounds dangerous.”

“You’re right.” Minjun admitted it immediately. “It is dangerous.”

Someone in the back of the bar laughed loudly. The sound brushed between the two men. Minjun spoke slowly. “That’s why I made a promise with Eunju. Not to hide anything. To say we’re scared when we’re scared, to say we want something when we want it, to say we’re confused when we’re confused. Not to judge alone. Not to walk alone.”

Gyujin listened quietly. “I can’t stand to see Eunju get hurt. I want to see her surrender to desire, but I don’t want to see her collapse from coercion or loss of judgment. I have to be the one who watches that line. I know it must sound strange to you.”

Gyujin smiled bitterly. “It does sound strange. But at least it doesn’t seem like you’re throwing it out there without thinking.”

Minjun lowered his head. “That’s why I feel even more sorry.”

Gyujin looked at him. Minjun filled his glass again. “Yesterday I pulled you into that world. Without your consent. I acted like it was a joke, but half of it was my true feelings.”

Gyujin stared silently at his glass. “I saw the way you looked at Eunju as a woman. Eunju knew it too. I didn’t stop it. Instead, I joked around to see more of your reaction.” Minjun’s voice grew even lower. “That was my mistake. Even though I knew what kind of wound you carried from your ex-wife, I put you in that atmosphere without any explanation.”

Gyujin didn’t answer right away. Minjun continued. “Eunju knows too. That you might have felt uncomfortable. And that we should leave the decision to you.”

Gyujin looked up. “Decision?”

“Whether you stay our friend. Whether you can keep seeing us. You decide.”

Minjun looked straight at him. “Eunju is waiting for your answer too. She said even if you see me as a freak and cut us off, we won’t resent you.”

Gyujin pressed his lips together. Minjun lifted his glass but didn’t drink. “That’s all I had to say. The judgment is yours.”

Gyujin stayed silent for a long time. Various emotions crossed his face. A hardened expression as if memories of his ex-wife were rising. Hesitation at the thought of losing his friend. The awkward heat that flared whenever he recalled Eunju from last night. And the look of someone who didn’t want to acknowledge that part of himself.

Finally Gyujin swore quietly. “You really are a tiring bastard.”

Minjun didn’t laugh. Gyujin filled his glass and took a sip. “My heart doesn’t understand. Maybe because of what I went through, the moment I hear your words, rejection rises up inside me first. The idea of wanting to watch your wife mix her body with another man doesn’t sound good to me at all.”

“I know.”

“But…” Gyujin paused. Minjun waited. “With my head, I can see the difference you’re talking about. Hiding it and the two of you entering into it knowingly are different. Betrayal and this agreed-upon strange desire are different. It’s hard to accept honestly, but I can tell them apart.”

Minjun’s hand slowly relaxed. Gyujin looked at him. “And if we set this one thing aside…” He set his glass down. “You’re still my best friend.”

Minjun was speechless. Gyujin deliberately looked away. “During my divorce, you stayed by my side. You listened no matter how many times I repeated the same story. Even when I was falling apart like a dog, you didn’t leave.” He looked at Minjun again. “I’ve received too much from a friend like that to throw him away just because he has a strange inclination.”

Minjun couldn’t say anything. Gyujin sighed. “Of course, seeing you from now on will bring this up. Seeing Eunju will probably drive me even crazier.”

Minjun’s eyes moved. Gyujin smiled awkwardly. “I’ll be honest about that too. I got caught up in it yesterday as well.”

Minjun watched him quietly. Gyujin fiddled with his glass. “Eunju…” His voice sank a little. “She was beautiful. And dangerous. I knew I shouldn’t look, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠but she was the kind of person who made me keep ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠looking anyway.”

Minjun listened to those words for a long time. Gyujin spoke even more quietly. “That’s why I’m even more confused. You really are crazy. But the mood Eunju showed yesterday… I couldn’t just brush it off as a joke.” He shook his head. “I guess I’m a man too.”

Minjun slowly lifted his glass. “Thank you.”

Gyujin let out a hollow laugh. “Thank you? I still don’t understand you. But at least I’m not cutting you off.”

Gyujin raised his glass. “For now.”

Their glasses clinked lightly. The soju burned down their throats. Gyujin set his glass down and added, “Tell Eunju for me. I was uncomfortable about yesterday, that’s true, but I didn’t dislike her. And…” He paused for a moment. “Thank her.”

Minjun looked at him. Gyujin turned his gaze away with an embarrassed face. “It had been a long time since I felt like a man. It’s embarrassing, but I can’t lie about it.”

Within that answer, Minjun felt the next door open just a little further.