The Weight of a Saved Life
I sank into my chair, chewing over the title I had just received from the gallery.
A curse escaped my lips, but the fact that it was an undeniable truth only made me feel more miserable. With a grimace, I dragged myself up from the chair. I still had to work, after all. At least until the shackles of my monthly paycheck were finally unlocked from this hell. I shed my blood-stained white coat and threw on a fresh one. My feet felt like lead as I walked down the hallway toward the station.
I could feel every nurse and doctor at the station stealing glances at me, no doubt whispering about the commotion from earlier. That's the first-year who just caused that massive scene. That was probably the gist of it. I tried my best to ignore their staring and head back to my desk. It was right then.
"Hey."
A cold, indifferent voice drifted from behind me. It was Han Jae-eon, a third-year resident. My heart plummeted. Here it comes. My crime: performing an invasive procedure entirely on my own as a mere first-year, without a senior's permission. Bracing myself for the hellish scolding that was about to begin, I turned around as politely as possible.
"Yes, senior?"
Jae-eon stood there with her arms crossed, looking down at me with an expressionless face. I squeezed my eyes shut.
"You..." Jae-eon paused, searching for the right words. "You actually did a good job."
...Excuse me? I opened my eyes, wondering if I had misheard.
"Seriously, you did great. A first-year shouldn't be able to pull that off. I'm not just saying that. When blood is gushing like that, even third- or fourth-years usually panic and freeze up. But you handled it all by yourself."
My brain short-circuited at the unexpected praise. As I stared at her blankly, her tone dropped a register.
"But..."
Ah. Of course. The "but" after the praise was the real point of this conversation.
"Did you not even think about securing a surgical airway?"
It was the exact same point the crazy ghosts in the gallery had torn me to shreds over. My lips parted, but no words came out.
"Ah..."
Seeing my reaction, Jae-eon let out a heavy sigh.
"Hyeon-jae. Wake up. Do you have any idea how dangerous of a gamble you just took? What do you think would have happened if you failed that intubation?"
...
"That patient would have died right in front of your eyes. Either drowning in his own blood or suffering irreversible brain damage from hypoxia. And you? You would have been sued for professional negligence resulting in death, and your life would be over. No matter how good your intentions are, if the result is death, it doesn't matter. Do you understand me?"
"...Yes, senior."
Every word was true. Because it succeeded, it could be packaged as a heroic, decisive move, but if it had failed, I would have lost everything. I hung my head low. I couldn't offer a single excuse.
Then, Jae-eon's voice softened again.
"But..." She gave my shoulder a light tap. "You really did well. You saved him."
With those final words, Jae-eon turned around and walked away.
I stood frozen in place for a long time. I felt like I had just traveled to hell and back. Praise and reprimand, advice and warm validation. Now that's a real senior. As I stood there dazed, loud, frantic footsteps echoed from the pediatric ER in Zone C.
"Pant... pant... Han Hyeon-jae!!! Where are you?!"
I turned to see Chief Resident Lee Min-jae running toward me at full speed, completely out of breath. His white coat was covered in mysterious pink cartoon character stickers. It looked like he had been tormented by kids all day.
"Just now!!! Is what I just heard from the nurse true?! Seriously?!" The moment Min-jae reached me, he grabbed both of my shoulders and shook me violently. I felt like I was going to throw up from the dizziness. "A post-op tonsillectomy patient! Blood was geysering out of his throat?! But you secured it all by yourself?! You shoved the tube in?! Is that true, you crazy bastard?!"
At his booming voice, every eye at the station locked onto me once again. Lacking the energy to even speak, I simply nodded. At that, a bizarre smile—a mix of pure ecstasy and sheer madness—spread across Min-jae's face.
"Yes! I knew it! I knew you were built for EM, not Internal Medicine!"
...Here he goes again.
"This is it! This is exactly what I'm talking about! That sheer audacity to calmly snatch a patient's life back from the jaws of death in a blood-splattered warzone! This is the true heart of an Emergency Medicine doctor! What do those Internal Medicine bastards know?! They're just a bunch of softies who do nothing but stare at charts and numbers! But you're different! You proved it with action! Your blood runs hot, just like ours!"
With that, Min-jae pulled me into a hug with the theatrical, exaggerated flair of a stage actor. As my face was buried in his coat—right against one of those cartoon stickers—I couldn't help but wonder: Why do my shifts always overlap with this guy? When will this terrible curse finally end?
I just wanted this whole circus to end as quickly as possible. But Chief Resident Lee Min-jae had absolutely no intention of letting me go. He kept a tight grip on my shoulders, continuing his relentless barrage of praise.
"This is exactly what I saw in you! Those Internal Medicine cowards will spend their entire lives sitting at desks, twirling their pens. But us? We pull lives back with our own two hands in this chaotic battlefield of spurting blood and shattered bones! You're not just a doctor. You're a warrior! A warrior fighting for patients on the front lines of this ER!"
Warrior, my ass. I'm just a wage slave who wants to go home.
Min-jae was practically putting on a one-man show, utterly swept up in his own emotion.
"I misjudged you for a moment! I thought you were just a coward looking to flee to Internal Medicine! I'm sorry! Your hyung apologizes! But now I know! Your heart, your soul—it belongs here! Right here in this hellish ER, with us!"
No, it doesn't. My soul has already clocked out and is lying in bed.
I watched Min-jae's one-man musical with hollow eyes. How on earth did this man never run out of breath? Just as I was beginning to feel a sense of awe at his lung capacity, his eyes suddenly flashed. He looked like a man who had just realized his grand, divine calling.
"This won't do. I have to spread the word."
...Spread what?
"I have to let the professor know about this! We have to show everyone that we have this kind of talent in Emergency Medicine! We can't let those Internal Medicine bastards look down on us anymore!"
"Huh? Uh, wait, excuse me? Hold on a second, senior!"
My protests fell on deaf ears. Min-jae began to bellow, his voice echoing through the entire ER.
"Professor Cheon!!! This kid is insane!!!! He just saved a life, and it wasn't just any ordinary save!!!"
"Argh, please be quiet, Senior Lee Min-jae!!! Please!!!"
I grabbed his arm, practically on the verge of tears, but the damage was already done. Every single medical staff member at the station was staring at us with looks of sheer horror. I felt like my face was going to explode from embarrassment. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than for the ground to swallow me whole.
Fortunately—or perhaps unfortunately—Professor Cheon Eun-jeong, who was on duty today, didn't seem to be nearby. After shouting for the professor a few more times, Min-jae deflated.
"Ah, I guess she's out. I'll have to tell her later."
He gave my shoulder one last hearty slap before heading back to the pediatric ER.
I was completely drained. My soul had left my body. Adrenaline be damned; the sheer humiliation from a moment ago had incinerated every last drop of my energy. As I stood there leaning against the wall in a daze, someone tapped me.
"Hey."
It was Han Jae-eon.
"The guardian of that post-op bleeding patient is here. Go explain the situation to her."
"Ah? Oh, yes, senior!"
Only then did I snap back to reality. Right. My shift wasn't over yet. Forcing strength into my trembling legs, I headed toward the consultation room.
Sitting in the consultation room chair was a woman in her fifties, her face pale as a sheet. She was the patient's mother. Swallowing hard, I sat down across from her.
"You're the patient's guardian, correct? I'm Han Hyeon-jae from Emergency Medicine. I'm the doctor who just treated your son."
I did my best to sound calm and reassuring, though my voice was undoubtedly trembling.
"To give you the bottom line first, he is fine now. His life is out of danger."
"Really? Is he really okay?"
"Yes. He is currently stable. However, it was an incredibly critical situation just moments ago."
I began to explain the situation in the simplest terms possible.
"Your son had a tonsillectomy a week ago, and today, a blood vessel at the surgical site ruptured, causing sudden and severe bleeding."
I decided to omit the graphic detail about blood geysering out like a fountain. I had at least that much tact.
"The blood clots from that bleeding blocked his airway, making it impossible for him to breathe. When a person cannot breathe, brain damage can occur within minutes, which then leads to cardiac arrest. In your son's case, it was a highly critical situation where his heart could have stopped."
The mother bit her lip as she listened to my explanation.
"Therefore, we performed an emergency intubation. We inserted a tube through his mouth and into his airway to secure a path for him to breathe via a ventilator. Fortunately, the procedure was successful, and he is now breathing stably through the machine. His vital signs are good, and the acute bleeding has been temporarily stopped."
A single tear finally spilled over the mother's eyelashes.
"Thank you... Thank you so much, Doctor..."
"No, it's fine, ma'am. He should be moved upstairs soon, and a nurse will connect you with the ENT department later. They will explain the next steps to you there."
The explanation was complete. The patient's mother bowed repeatedly, showering me with gratitude. Accepting her thanks, I felt that strange, heavy weight once again.
The weight of being the person who pronounces hellish despair to some, and heavenly hope to others.
Shouldering that immense gravity, I stepped out of the consultation room. I felt as though every single drop of energy had been drained from my body.