A Woman's Heart Is Like a Reed (1)

Junhyuk had never been good at reading a room.

And I was the one who'd always paid the steepest price for it.

Other delinquents were one thing, but I didn't want pointless friction with my friends, so even when his cluelessness got under my skin I'd grit my teeth and let it slide. Nobody can be perfect at everything. I figured putting up with that much irritation was just the cost of keeping a friendship.

Still, last time it had actually helped.

The character Yuhan had made in Animal Village when he borrowed my Tintendo Switch. The username Geum Taeyang, and a male avatar modeled after himself. I'd had to lend the Switch back to Junhyuk, so that character barely even appeared on stream before it was forgotten.

Junhyuk had borrowed it saying he'd play something else, then started Animal Village anyway and found the character. I spun an excuse on the spot—one good enough to fool him—and it seemed like we'd gotten past it.

But even cluelessness has its limits. And when awkward situations pile up, you start to notice something.

"Ari, is something going on with you lately? You feel... different."

It wasn't an accusation. Just something he'd vaguely sensed, put into words.

"Me? In what way?"

Honestly, I already knew. It wasn't a little different. I was becoming a strange person. I couldn't pinpoint when it had started, but I was definitely going weird.

"I don't know... the way you talk? The way you act? Stuff like that...?"

Ever since I was little, people had said I had a stiff personality. Not the uncomfortable kind of stiff, so I still had plenty of friends, and they were comfortable hanging out with me. I barely ever swore. I could count on one hand the times a curse had left my mouth around friends. I'd never gossiped behind anyone's back, not even once. If a joke that popped into my head felt like it was putting someone down, I didn't say it. Dirty talk? I'd have to be out of my mind.

But lately, talking to people had felt more relaxed than before... I wasn't sure. I knew I'd gone mentally strange, but I hadn't thought about my speech or my behavior. Maybe my mind was leaking into those, too.

"Is it that weird...?"

"I don't know? Still... I like you better now!"

If Junhyuk liked it... it was probably fine...?

What about my other friends...

What would Yuhan think?

I wasn't curious about some other guy's reaction. I just wanted to know what my friend thought.

Probably... that was it.

The day I went to visit Yuhan at his place.

After I'd fled home... no. After I'd run away. Keeping my sanity had been too hard. Everything, from start to finish, had been awful.

Junhyuk suddenly wanting to borrow my Switch. Me lending it to him because I was afraid of weird misunderstandings if I just brushed him off. Yuhan going out to work because of me and hurting his back.

And then this unidentifiable loneliness.

I'd gone to see Yuhan, but I hadn't even made it past the front door, while Sehee—that girl student—had been inside his house like it was the most natural thing in the world. Her slightly rumpled clothes told me she'd been doing housework. A sick man, and a girl who'd come to help him. Still young, working so hard to take care of a guy.

Compared to my house, Yuhan's cramped little place had looked full of warmth. A bond deep enough to invite her into a house where a man lived alone. And I'd just stood outside the door, watching that closeness from the hallway.

That day at the start of summer had been unusually cold.

I still don't know what I was feeling.

Anyway, after that, every time I got involved with Yuhan this unexplainable emptiness would wash over me. It wasn't the right way to handle it, but... I started avoiding him a little. Maybe I just didn't want to understand that unknown feeling.

That, too, was something I couldn't figure out.

Then the following Friday evening.

I'd been invited to a drinking party with my college classmates and ended up at a bar near Hankuk University. Taking days off stream had gotten easier, and the viewers seemed to have more or less adapted. I usually tried to make it to gatherings with friends anyway, but I was especially glad for this one.

I wanted to let my mind go a little.

The gathering had been going for a while.

"It's seriously a pain in the ass to even see your face, Ari."

"Right? She's a celebrity at this point."

"Haha... what... I've been having a shit time lately and I still showed up today? I'm the kind of person you can meet whenever you just text."

"...What was that just now."

"Whoa... holy shit. In all my years I never thought I'd hear Seol Ari swear. Look at me, I've got goosebumps..."

Ah. Had I just sworn? I'd had enough to drink that I couldn't remember exactly. The old me would have been deeply offended at the fact that a curse had left my mouth, but now I didn't feel much of anything.

What was this? I hadn't always been this kind of person. Somehow, no bad feeling rose up at all. If anything, the only thought in my head was that a woman in her twenties swearing a little was perfectly normal.

Come to think of it, even the way I was sitting tonight was different from usual. No—maybe it hadn't just been tonight. Maybe I'd been like this for a while.

Was this the change Junhyuk had been talking about?

The line I'd always treated as important in how I spoke and carried myself had warped. The shift in my mind had changed my behavior, too. Habits I'd spent a lifetime stacking up had crumbled in an instant.

I probably... ought to be alarmed...

And still, I didn't feel much of anything. If anything, it felt good. Like that stiff line was being erased, and I was starting to resemble someone.

Someone who slouched when he walked. Someone whose rough way of talking still had warmth in it. Like I was becoming a little more like a certain man.

"Heheheh... I mean, I'm twenty-three. I can swear a little."

"You've never done it even once."

"Hahaha! Dude, what happened to this kid! That robot bitch."

"Robot, my ass..."

"Do it again, do it again!"

"Yeah! Looks way better on you."

Well... it wasn't as if that man had sworn all that much, either.

"Forget it. It'll come out again someday."

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

"Aw... boring."

The number of times wasn't what mattered. What mattered was that I'd crossed the line. What mattered was that I'd gotten a little closer to him.

The figure that had been drifting through my head all evening... I tried to pin down who it was, but the alcohol got in the way. Well. I'd remember eventually.

I knocked back a full glass in one go. I'd hit the limit I'd set for myself. Any more and it would start interfering with daily life. I poured another anyway. With that, I'd crossed the line I'd drawn.

And still, I was just happy.

Time passed again.

Not blackout drunk, but well past tipsy. I couldn't get my vision to focus properly. So this was what it felt like to actually get drunk. There was a kind of fun at a drinking table that I'd never felt before.

That was when two guys came over to our table.

"Seniors? Hi, seniors!"

Two people greeting two of my friends. There shouldn't have been anyone in our department I didn't know, and I didn't recognize their faces, so they were probably this year's freshmen.

"And this is..."

"Wow... so there are kids in Hankuk University Business who don't know Seol Ari now."

"Ah...! This is that senior?! I've heard of you!"

"Wow... you're actually really pretty..."

"Since we ran into each other, should we push the tables together?! We can say hi to Senior Ari too!"

...?

What. Why was the conversation just rolling along without me?

My two friends looked delighted that guys had shown up and were already making room. What was supposed to be appealing about a pair of losers who looked like that? Clothes they'd fussed over, faces caked in product. A certain man I remembered had a face so insane he didn't need any of that.

Their looks did absolutely nothing for me.

"Gaeun, scoot over a bit. Let them sit on that side."

It was ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠a rectangular table with long benches on either side. I sent the two guys to the opposite bench. Normally I would have been happy to build some rapport with underclassmen, but the thought of another man sitting on my bench made my mood tank for some reason.

The freshmen looked a little thrown. What was I supposed to do about that? I had no reason to put a guy I'd just met next to me. Underclassman or not.

"Senior Ari, your glass is empty. Let me pour for you!"

"Huh?"

And then he poured soju into the glass in front of me. What was this feeling. A sour, reasonless irritation climbed up my throat. I'd been planning to drink more, but suddenly I didn't want to touch the glass.

"Ah... sorry. I've already had too much. I should probably stop."

I nudged the glass aside and picked up a piece of anju. With the guys in the mix, my two friends' energy spiked, and the table as a whole got livelier. Or rather, it looked livelier.

I checked my phone. Nine o'clock. Early twenties, students who'd ground their school years into dust to get into Hankuk University's business department. For people dying to go out, nine was still too early to call it a night. Looking across the table, sure enough—they were already playing like a whole new round had started.

I was bored. There were more people, and my mood was just sour for no good reason. I didn't want to kill the vibe, so I was going along with it well enough... but my head was already somewhere else.

Bzzzt. Bzzzt.

"...Hey! ...Ari!"

"...?"

"Seol Ari! Your phone's been going off. Are you that drunk?"

"...What?"

"It says 'Yuhan'? I've never seen you save anyone by their first name. Is that your boyfriend?"

My head snapped clear. It felt like ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠I'd gone back to before I'd started drinking. I looked at my phone, and there he was—the man I'd been thinking about all night.

Right. Kkatalk from Yuhan.

I'd been dodging him every single day, so why did just seeing his name make me happy? Normally a gloomy thought would have come flooding in, but the alcohol scrambled everything. An unexplainable flutter. A flutter that happened just from looking at a name. The feeling I got every time I saw Yuhan was getting clearer and clearer.

I still didn't have the courage to draw a conclusion, so I'd dodge that feeling again tonight. But I had a feeling the moment I couldn't dodge it was coming. A feeling that the moment I admitted to all of it was coming.

My head was a mess. Either way, what mattered right now was Yuhan's Kkatalk.

"I-I'll be right back!"

"It's just Kkatalk, you can just check it here..."

"She's just leaving?"

"What the hell, I've never seen her act like that."

The two freshmen looked pretty thrown, but like I said, that was none of my business.

The corners of my mouth kept creeping up. How did Yuhan read my condition that accurately? He really was an incredible guy. The fact that he'd figured out my state made me oddly happy.

As if he could have. The messages were stuffed with typos and didn't even have periods, but I didn't have time to care about that.

My eyes flew open at that last line. The only friend he had?

The same sly little smile Yuhan always wore crept onto my face. Because it felt like I was someone special to him, too. Because that was so intoxicating.

And that photo underneath... oh my god.

It was a picture of Yuhan's clothes piled up, and that... wasn't that underwear?

I covered my phone and slipped into a nearby alley. I didn't want anyone seeing that photo even by accident. I wanted it to stay a picture only I could look at. A single pair of underwear, as unremarkably colored as the rest of Yuhan's clothes, shook my mind to pieces.

And why was this guy so careless, anyway... I was a little worried, but the fact that he was that unguarded and comfortable with me, of all people, made me happy.

I stared at the photo with heated eyes, then pulled myself together and wrote him back.

I locked in a time with Yuhan and turned off my phone. Beaming, I went back to the table.

"Guys, sorry. I think I need to head out right now."

"What?!"

"What, is something wrong?"

"Yeah. Something urgent came up. Sorry—I'll text you later. And you guys drink in moderation and get home safe."

It wasn't urgent, but so what. I even told the freshmen to be careful as I gathered my things. Now that my mood had lifted, even those underclassmen didn't look so bad.

I flagged down a passing taxi and opened Kkatalk.

I didn't particularly want to drag my little brother along to a meeting with Yuhan. But anything that meant helping Yuhan had to be done properly.