EP.50 Level 6 - I'm a Social Weakling (4)
"M-Monster!"
Why can other people make such scared faces like that? I can feel pain. But when it gets intense, I just sense the value of dying from it—nothing more. I don't really get why it's a problem. I just act cautious like everyone else because they all say pain is scary and dangerous.
"Calling a person a monster."
"Y-You... blood! Y-You're insane!"
"It hurts. But why are you scared of me? I haven't even made you feel pain yet."
That's weird. People really are hard to understand. Isn't fear supposed to come from the reaction of pain? Why is she already scared?
"Ah."
She's anticipating the pain I'll give her in the future. My knowledge grew again today. I should remember this—it might come in handy. People can feel fear even before experiencing pain, just from expecting it.
"I'll be off then."
"Okay, take care, sweetie."
I'm getting used to it now. But why do people live their lives considering all these annoying, complicated reactions one by one? I thought if I just mimicked everyone else, I'd eventually feel it too. Why can't I understand anything even now?
"Hey, aren't you getting bullied?"
"Bullied?"
What could that be? Is it when people do weird things because my reactions are subtle? Like putting bugs in clothes, graffiti on desks, or splashing water? They looked so happy doing it, so I thought it was something fun. Guess I was wrong.
"S-Sorry! My mistake! Kyaa! Don't put it in! Eek!"
"Hm, still no real feeling. Is this supposed to be fun?"
"Hngh, huaaang!"
Why is she crying just because a bug got in her clothes? Just grab it and kill it. By the way, what does "fun" even mean? Curiosity fills a bit of the emptiness when satisfied, so is that the sensation of fun? Lately, I tried masturbation since kids my age do it for fun, but no feeling there either. Why do that? I thought I knew a lot, but I'm still so far off.
"Eating rice is enjoyable. Eating tasty food is enjoyable."
That's what I learned. I get used to reacting that way. Because that's how normal people respond.
"Awakening?"
"Yes... Normally, you'd go to the academy—that's the standard path. With your college entrance scores, wouldn't it be a waste?"
"Not really."
I tried to be normal. It's easier to figure out others that way. If someone was interesting, I wanted to learn about them. The more I understood people, the more that hollow something inside got filled, even if just a little. So I acted like a normal person. It was super annoying at first, but it got easier over time. Mom cried her eyes out thinking I'd become normal, so I figured the act was succeeding.
Honestly, I don't understand Mom's tears either. Crying is a result of pain. If she's crying because of me, it means I'm causing her pain or she's empathizing with mine. But she's clearly making a happy face—why cry?
"Man, it's tough."
They say tears come from being too happy sometimes. If only human emotions were as straightforward as the college entrance exam. Why are there so many complicated things about people?
After using the bathroom, it feels refreshing. What kind of sensation is "refreshing"? They say bathing feels refreshing too—is it the same? I'm still so far from getting it.
"Hey, aren't you a bit too cocky just because you have good control? Your level isn't even that high."
"Is that so? Well... if it felt that way, sorry."
"Huh? Uh... okay."
Now I know. In situations like this, you apologize, and they back off. Before, I didn't get what they wanted and mirrored them back, but then they'd get scared and call me a monster. That must not be a normal reaction. Now I know that much.
"Ah, you're the rookie assigned to the same place. I'm Bae Jeonga."
"Ah, hehe. I'm Myo Seola."
By the time I graduated from the academy, I'd found a decent persona. Smiling slyly and reacting brightly to others drew people close. For me, who wanted to study as many people as possible by getting friendly, it was the best character.
"Ow!"
That kid likes making me slip on ice she lays on the floor. It's always so sloppy I notice, but for this character, pretending to fall is probably best. No real loss in falling anyway.
"Hey, you mocking your senior?"
"S-Sorry!"
"Sorry won't cut it in hunter life."
Her name was Yeo Yurim, right? Typical senior who loves picking on juniors. I'd only seen junior-bullying at the academy, so getting it as a hunter was pretty fresh. The filling sensation was a relief—lately, the emptiness kept lingering, and the more I learned about humans, the harder new things were to find. Was this "gratitude" territory?
"Yeo Yurim, you start bitching the second a junior arrives?"
"Ah, whatever. Don't annoy me and get lost."
"No, just go easy on her. She's a teammate too."
"Why do you care? Just sort the dungeon info properly."
This team's manager was a guy named Park Eunhyuk. Not the first male awakener I'd seen, but rare to see someone who calls out even stronger opponents. Means there's a lot to learn from him. Yeah, at first, that's all I thought when approaching him.
"Still, the manager's thinking of us..."
"Hey, you a teacher? Quit lecturing. If that's all you got, beat it. Let me rest alone."
"Huh? Uh-huh."
I realized he was awakened after that—and that's when I wanted to get closer. Felt like something was watching from thin air, and spying on him and Jeong-a confirmed it. A male awakener. Such a rare human type. How much emptiness could I fill learning from him? That's when I started having "expectations."
I didn't notice it then. That I couldn't possibly have "expectations." I'd gotten so into the act that it slipped by naturally.
"Uh..."
For his sake, judging Bae Jeonga who tormented him. Watching that, a strange feeling tickled. Something swelling up inside.
"M-Me...?"
I'd given up on ever knowing it in this lifetime. I didn't even know what expectation was, so I couldn't expect anything. All I had was filling the voids, so that's all I did. But that life was worthless.
What was this shock shaking my whole body? Why did my usual heartbeat suddenly feel so intense? Why? What's this? I don't know. Scary.
"Scary?"
Scary? Me, scared? Me? Me? Am I scared right now? This is weird. Why does my body pound just looking at that guy? From that day, whenever I had time, I started following Park Eunhyuk around, observing his actions. No need to study others anymore. Who cares about mere satisfaction? Studying him could take me beyond that to real emotions.
"I-I like you!"
Strange feeling. Bae Jeonga, tormented by him like that, confessing to him. It made my chest tight. Bad mood. So this is what a bad mood feels like?
'Ah, so this is jealousy.'
My mind thrilled like a shiver ran through it. Emotions I'd never understood suddenly made sense one by one. I "like" Park Eunhyuk. That's why I'm jealous of Bae Jeonga aiming for him. I'm jealous.
Jealousy. At first, it was just fascinating. Guys like using women for sex, so probably treating her like an onahole, right? Thinking that kept the emotion mild.
"What's good here? Can you recommend?"
"I like the B set, but D gets good reviews too."
Of course, a lie. I've never truly felt joy from food taste. Only came here because hunters "have to" eat at places like this. Did it because everyone does.
'By the way, Eunhyuk's level seems way up lately.'
Checked with my trait: diamond 4. Gold eyes, level 4. Eunhyuk's trait growth is insanely fast, as expected.
"Ah, dig in."
"Right."
Just being with him is enjoyable. Food in my mouth didn't change much. But sitting across from him made happiness flood my head like I was floating—food didn't matter. This is love. This is pleasure. Ah, so people go mad for this thrill. Now I get it. All those actions I couldn't understand? Click into place. Of course—who wouldn't with a feeling this good?
"Ah, good work. Got time today?"
"Sorry. Prior engagement. Had to pause it to come here."
Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. He picked Jeong-a for a date before. Who's it this time that you're ditching me? I need to know.
"Haha, then I'll ask later. Uh, hold on."
I attach my trait to his back. One I use on him often. With it, no matter how far, I can perfectly monitor his surroundings like a magic tool.
"Darling!"
"Ah, all done. Let's go."
Ah, Min Ayoung. Right, she's level 8 too. But it's fine, Eunhyuk. I'll hit level 9 soon and make you look at me. An A-rank won't even glance at a B-rank, right? No matter how much affection from banging—even if she confesses as an A-rank, a B-rank like her won't compete? Plus, Min Ayoung tormented you—she's trash. Compared to me, who never did anything you'd hate? I'm definitely winning.
"What the hell? Did you break through the wall or something?"
That's what I thought until Min Ayoung hit level 9. Witnessing it right in front of me, something inside crumbled. Fear, envy, pain, despair—and even pleasure surging because I could see Eunhyuk in this mess. The intense emotions felt ready to explode. What started as mere fascination boiled over, wrecking my head. The love for Eunhyuk. The jealousy toward women approaching him. It all ignited in my mind.
"Ah, so that's why people kill other people."
That day, I understood one more human emotion.