Chapter 55
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Translator: Ace
Chapter: 055
Chapter Title: The Modern Age is Cold (5)
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The fact that the French are some half-evolved species, cousins to whales and brothers to monkeys, was already proven by the great Englishman Charles Darwin.
He even won the Nobel Peace Prize for it—because identifying the ancestors of the French was that important for world peace.
"Damn, this is spicy. Didn't they say Darwin also invented the internet?"
Rationality doesn't work on the French. They call Europe the Middle Kingdom, and sure enough, their actions are just like China's.
You can see it plain as day from the American Revolutionary War. Those idiots poured money into supporting the American rebels just to screw over Britain, and what was the result? Guillotines and heads rolling. You can only conclude they think with their spines, not their brains.
But who am I?
The incarnation of reason and rationality—a man of the 21st century. Far more enlightened and progressive than these 19th-century folks.
So instead of despising or hating the French, I decided to provide them with what they need and get what I need in return. A perfect win-win.
And that was freedom of faith.
"Excuse me, monsieur. You're a Christian yourself, aren't you?"
"I desperately want to spread the Gospel in Joseon, but what can I do? The first Christians they met were rebels. If the first Christian you encounter is Judas Iscariot, you're lucky it ended as mildly as it did, right?"
Pure bullshit from start to finish.
The Joseon court had already prepared their lines: 'Actually, we've been waiting for missionaries like you for ages.'
They just wanted something in return for publicly declaring religious freedom—it felt too cheap otherwise.
The French are no different.
They gripe at me about why I'm not trying to plant the faith in Joseon despite being Christian myself, but that's all nonsense too.
These guys came all the way to Joseon on the opposite side of the globe just to rack up achievements for their emperor. A few bucks are nothing if they can add a fancy title to his name.
No, forget that. If Britain secures religious freedom here, would the French—as fellow Christians—praise the achievement, or would it piss them off?
And so, the film starring director Arthur Leigh, producer Yi Ha-eung, and a cast of frogs got off to a roaring start.
"All monks entering Joseon must declare in advance that their purpose is to proselytize. Those who engage in missionary work without doing so will face severe punishment."
"Excellent."
Of course, clergy visas will cost a premium.
"His Highness has also permitted the construction of a temple near Hanyang for your embassy and foreign legations. The court officials all opposed it, but His Majesty pushed it through out of concern for you. Be grateful for His Highness's benevolence."
"On behalf of the French Empire, I offer sincere praise to His Majesty the King of Joseon."
The cathedral would be built by France for Joseon, complete with architects and engineers. It was obvious they'd snag plenty of contracts for Western-style buildings going forward, but in a Joseon where recruiting even one skilled worker was a hassle, it was a decent deal.
Still, something felt off.
These bastards being this agreeable? No way.
Were the French really this tolerant?
Hard to believe.
When the British civilize other nations, they use "the white man's burden" like it's karaoke track eighteen. For the French, "mission civilisatrice" is their default line.
Meaning these are the types who lead with fists over words.
No matter how much this great soul Arthur Leigh blessed the deal, the French could still rant about 'purging this Anglo-Saxon-infected land with fire!' and start firing cannons without batting an eye.
While the diplomats busied themselves negotiating details with Joseon officials, I plied the French guests at my house with delicious desserts and coffee to fish for answers about that.
After entertaining them for a good while...
I finally overheard what slipped out carelessly.
"Russia's movements are far from ordinary."
Aha.
The Crimean War.
The Crimean War!
A showdown between Europe’s Middle Kingdom France—masters of cuisine vying for the creamiest cream—and cream-obsessed Russia... Yeah, right.
If you say "Crimean War" to a 21st-century Korean, most draw a blank.
But say "the war Nightingale fought in," and even history buffs perk up. That's the power of culture, I guess.
What does a war on that distant Crimean Peninsula have to do with Joseon?
Plenty, obviously.
You might've forgotten, but across the sea in China, the Second Opium War is still raging in real time.
Beijing fell ages ago, and the Manchu queue-heads are bickering over how to prettily smash their skulls in the treaty terms...
But what if Russia suddenly jumps in?
The massive Eurasian bear-land Russia stamps the Crimean Peninsula with one paw while slapping Manchuria with its tail?
No matter how much the Anglo-French alliance is ravaging China, that changes the math overnight.
Absurd hypothetical, but imagine Kazakh cavalry hordes swarming from Siberia with a kreeet-kreeet, suddenly 'protecting' the Qing emperor. How terrifying is that?
"You must know well how barbaric and ferocious the Russians are, Monsieur Leigh."
"Of course."
"If they occupy Manchuria, Joseon will face dire peril. His Majesty the Emperor is deeply worried that Joseon might succumb to Russian threats and revert to vassal status."
"As expected from the bloodline of Napoleon, who spread liberty and equality across the world—it's different, alright. Even as a Briton, I can't help but admire your empire's generosity and goodwill."
Britain hasn't said much yet, but France seems convinced war is imminent.
They went so far as the sordid opium trade war, only to have Russia slurp up those sweet Qing coins? Infuriating.
"Small nations bowing to Russian terror is unacceptable! We're already acting decisively to protect the Ottoman Turks from Russia. Rest assured about Joseon—France will vigorously support its autonomy and independence."
"That must be music to every Joseoner's ears."
Come on, spill it.
What do the French want?
"You know the Qing is a mess without me saying it. This is Joseon's golden opportunity. How about Joseon troops advance into Manchuria with superior French weapons and supplies to defend it from Russia?"
"Could we discuss something resembling a rational negotiation?"
Even if spouting nonsense in round one is industry standard, this is just wild.
Who plays the game like this?
- But Arthur... didn't you hypnotize all those Joseon folks pushing for a northern expedition?
Are you insane?
Does Joseon even have an army? The Royal Guard, the Vanguard—total amateurs. Lining up in orderly ranks is a nightmare for pre-moderns.
It's no wonder the era's strongest armies—the Western ones—all conscript with clubs. Taming without raw violence is brutally hard.
After cutting that lunatic proposal, the follow-up punch lands immediately.
"But the Qing will grow even closer to Russia. The enemy of my enemy is my friend—true across East and West, ancient and modern."
"Well... yes."
"So train a stronger army with France's help. We all know Britain's Royal Navy is formidable, but no one matches France's army."
Don't learn from East India Company rabble—study under the world's top instructors, the French army!
If the goal was projecting influence over Joseon, it was brilliant.
"That's a topic worth discussing with the government."
"Ha ha. Good. And about the weapons and supplies—"
Lower the tariff barriers.
You're borrowing loans anyway to buy Western goods, right? Wouldn't lower tariffs benefit everyone?
As tariff talks heated up, America joined like a hyena scenting blood, naturally pushing for free trade in Joseon.
By 19th-century standards, it wasn't utterly absurd.
Getting punched with low tariffs was inevitable anyway.
Hell, I'd told British MPs, 'America and France will carve up Joseon anyway, so we ride their coattails with most-favored-nation status.' Had to let this slide.
But negotiation means bending them once first.
Can't give in easy.
"Tariffs... you say."
"If Monsieur Leigh speaks well, the Joseon bureaucrats will come around."
"But loans require collateral, don't they? I was planning to use future Joseon customs revenue."
"Instead, we'll aid Joseon's industrial development. Using mining rights as collateral would work too."
The staring contest dragged on, but Joseon's desperate straits didn't change.
France wasn't shoving warships and playing gangster because they were merciful or desperate for cooperation—they saw this as British turf.
And then it hit the Joseoners.
These guys proposing free trade and friendship now?
They're the ones who just burned Beijing.
The Japan-US Treaty of Amity and Commerce, and now the France-Joseon version, were signed with shocking speed.
Joseon still had a long road ahead.
"France's proposals this time were truly heartbreaking."
"Indeed, Master."
"Why call me your master? I haven't taught you much."
I was squirming uncomfortably.
Not from sitting cross-legged—uncomfortable or not, in my house, chairs it is for everyone, Joseon man or not. Can't give up my throne.
The reason I looked like a mouse before a snake? The people who'd pinned me down for years, cramming Confucian classics into my skull (masters, in Joseon terms), had come calling.
Yi Hang-ro and Gi Jeong-jin.
Scholars who should've shone in the Isolationist movement.
Different scholarly paths, but they didn't fully bow to the Andong Kim clan's dominance—they cared for the country. No wonder France and America's veiled threats tore at their hearts.
"If Joseon had a proper elite army, we could've seized Liaodong this time."
"You called France a tiger nation like Qin, their army disciplined like phantoms, mercilessly conquering the world. They're offering to back our troops for their own needs, yet we have no army and must refuse—how shameful!"
Ah.
I... I must've miscalculated.
To Joseoners, tariff limits, unlimited territorial waters surveys, or extraterritoriality don't yet feel like 'invasion.'
Compared to that, their demands—aside from returning French missionaries' remains and amnesty—came with friendly relations and massive loans.
"Isn't the French Emperor's virtue just like the Wanli era? Ah, if only we'd built strength sooner!"
"Heungseon-gun just demolished a bunch of private academies—why not pick a sturdy one and turn it into a shrine honoring the 'late emperor'?"
"Ha. Haha... That's, uh, a great idea."
The reincarnation of the Goryeo Son of Heaven.
To flex, the Joseon court gleefully placed a new spirit tablet for Napoleon Bonaparte right next to Emperor Wanli's in the Mandongmyo shrine.
Naturally, 'explaining' it nicely to the French missionaries fell to me.
"Your face is half-gone!"
"S-spare... me..."
"Hang on. I'll whip up some hometown food—eat up and recover."
Instead of my usual village-bashing, I quietly scarfed the meatloaf Ridge made.
Real Joseon always surpasses my wildest imagination.