The Memory I Refuse to Erase

My conversation with Jang Yong continued afterward.

But once the talk about his older sister ended, my mind was completely elsewhere—occupied by thoughts of the person I had agreed to have dinner with later that evening.

In truth, before Kim Isol had come to my room the night before, I had already made plans for tonight.

Senior An Sora.

I wondered whether I should still be calling her senior now, but the habit had already set in and was not easily broken. She was still allowing it, after all.

I had arranged to have dinner with her tonight.

It had already been ten days since she said she would buy me a drink. Last weekend she had been busy, and during the weekdays this week I had been away on a Busan business trip. I had thought I might not get to see her this week either, but luckily clearing the Lycan had given me two free days.

I still had not told her about that, so I figured I should brag a little when we met. And there were other things I wanted to ask as well—what exactly had happened inside the gate that day.

I kept spacing out and checking the time, until Jang Yong started needling me.

You take it easy yourself, you bastard.

"Hyung-nim. How the hell did you do it? Baek Hwayeon suddenly overflowing with mana, and Lee Donggeul using heal more than ten times when she could only manage two before. Tell me too. I'm ready for anything."

I was already regretting having told him to speak casually just so I could ask my own questions.

Whine a little more moderately, will you!

But I could not let it show. More than anything, I wanted to keep things amicable at least until I met his sister.

"Hmm... hey, Yong-ah."

"Yes, hyung-nim."

"In our team, you've got the most mana."

"What are you talking about? I'm the one with the least mana on the team."

That's only because you're not a tanker but keep getting stuck playing the tanker role...

I could not say that out loud. We still needed a tanker on the team, and even if Jang Yong was not a specialist, he could fill that role to a decent degree. Even without me boosting him separately, he already had mana on par with Kim Isol's current level. If I said the wrong thing and he decided to leave the team, it would be a problem. At least for now, we still needed him.

"I've got an appointment soon."

"Why the sudden formal speech, hyung-nim? Speak comfortably."

"Ah, right. Hyung's a bit busy. Let's talk about this next time. And if you can bring your noona along too, bring her."

"My noona?"

"Yeah. Family counseling is necessary sometimes."

"But with Baek Hwayeon..."

"Everyone's circumstances are different. Don't you know trauma? Those things vary from person to person."

"Is ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠that so? I don't really have anything I'd call trauma..."

"You know that if you don't follow hyung's words, none of this will do any good, right?"

"Ah, yes, hyung."

"Good. Head home for today and pass my message on to your noona properly. Tell her I said I want to meet her once. Anytime is fine for me."

"Yes."

I made a few convenient excuses and sent Jang Yong home.

Persistent guy.

There was nothing I could do for him at this point. He would keep clinging like this going forward—what was I supposed to do about that? Other Awoken managed to grow just fine on their own. The moment an easy path appeared, he latched onto me alone... that mentality of his...

Well, thanks to that I was having my fun and sitting pretty. But still, he was ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠a guy, so that was a hard no.

Since it's come to this, maybe I should just work him to the bone?

Who knows. Push him close enough to death's door and he might grow in some dazzling way.

Anyway, who exactly had this guy managed to piss off that he stayed stuck in the F-group despite having decent skills? The Academy would never deliberately do that to an Awoken... and he was not skilled enough to draw envy or jealousy either. His potential was solid, sure, but in the end it was no different from the women like Kim Isol.

Ah, I really had no idea. I did not want to waste brainpower thinking about a guy with a dick. Whatever happens, happens.

Turning these thoughts over, I headed to the meeting place. And there I was able to meet Senior An.

She had arrived ahead of me and was waiting, looking exactly as she always had at the company—completely unchanged. That was a tremendous relief.

Nothing's changed at all, senior.

As usual she had not dressed up excessively, and her face barely had any makeup. She was wearing her signature glasses again today, which made her look as intellectual as ever. She had already ordered a beer and was drinking alone when she spotted me just now.

"Team Leader Kang, you're here?"

She called me Team Leader Kang. I had only held the title for less than a month, yet she had been the first to start calling me that—and she was still doing it even after quitting the company. A woman who knew a thing or two really was different, I supposed.

By now I had realized that this team leader position was nothing more than an errand-boy post for Awoken, but her thoughtfulness always moved me all the same. Still, I would not have minded being called something a little different by now. Well, for the moment our relationship was still one where I could only call her senior.

"Senior."

"Yeah. Sit."

"You were drinking alone? It's only seven."

"What's with the fuss? It's not like this is the first time."

"Still... ah, a beer here too, please."

There were so many things I wanted to ask her right now, so many things I was curious about. But I was still agonizing over what to ask first and how to ask it.

"Team Leader Kang."

"Yes."

"How's the company? Bearable?"

"Yeah, well. Though it's a bit lonely without senior around."

"Pfft... you're getting pretty good with words. Feels like just yesterday you were stammering all over the place."

"Hey, it's not like you've been watching me for years. People might get the wrong idea."

"Still, hearing your entire love life, it feels like we've known each other for years."

Ah, senior doesn't know I broke up?

Would it sound weird if I suddenly said I had broken up? My head was a mess. Was I doing this because I wanted to look good in front of her? The tension simply would not ease.

"Senior, don't you date?"

"Ugh... that again? I'm so sick of it. How long are you going to keep asking that? Every single time we drink... are you teasing me because you've got a girlfriend now?"

"No. I broke up too."

"What? Why? You even lived together."

Even after I said I had broken up, senior did not ask if I was okay. She already knew I was fine. Our line of work—especially Senior An—had insanely sharp instincts. Well, reading Awoken moods every day was the job, so it was only natural, but she was several times better at it than most.

I poured out everything I had gone through to her. Of course the story was mixed with lies, but it was not all that different from what had actually happened. I had simply left out the part about my ability.

"Kh... so you should've done better! The mana test fee is about ten million won, isn't it?"

"Yes. Around that. If it were cheap, everyone would demand it, so they can't..."

"But your girlfriend went and caught the fish that was already in the pond the very day you got tested?"

"I don't know. Probably."

"What... so boringly calm. How long ago did you break up to be this composed?"

"About two weeks? But calling someone else's breakup story boring—I went through absolute hell myself. Senior's being too much."

"Team Leader Kang, you little bastard."

"Huh? Suddenly?"

"Yeah, you little bastard."

"Are you saying I was more at fault?"

"No, not that. Just... I thought it would be cute if you got flustered."

"What's that supposed to mean? Senior, really..."

"I had times like that too. Dumped a guy who showed up with a bouquet proposing marriage, then called another guy that same night and drank until morning."

"Senior did?"

"Yeah. Whose story would I be telling otherwise?"

"And you still counseled me on my relationships? Thinking about it now, it's because of senior that I ended up like this."

"Pfft... yeah. My fault. Watching you date while leaving me out made me want to smash it all. Heh, heh..."

Senior laughed as if she were truly enjoying herself. I was not particularly hungry and simply wanted to keep drinking like this, so I ordered more alcohol and some fruit snacks. Thanks to all the relationship counseling I had done with her over the years, the atmosphere after my breakup story settled into the same familiar rhythm as always.

I roughly knew her alcohol tolerance. We were about halfway through now. Only then did I finally bring up the question I had truly wanted to ask.

"Senior, why did you quit the company?"

"You're only asking that now?"

"I wasn't sure if it was okay to ask. It might have been rude."

"Then you shouldn't have asked."

"Is it a secret from me too?"

"Hmm? Why, am I not allowed to have secrets from you? Who do you think you ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠are?"

"Don't you think it's unfair? You know every secret of my love life, yet senior tells me nothing."

"Junghyeok-ah."

She suddenly called my name. I was startled. In the early days after I joined she had often called me by name, but hearing it again after so long felt strange.

"Sora-ya."

When I shot the same thing right back at her, senior showed the exact same reaction I had. Then a faint smile rose on her face.

"Pfft... you've grown a lot. Our Team Leader Kang."

Ah...

I interpreted her words like this:

Don't cross the line!

That was almost certainly it. Of course she had not calculated that far when she said it, but it made me feel that she did not see me as a man at all. Well, she was a senior I had liked, but I had not come here tonight to try anything with her. What I was truly curious about was something else entirely. That was why I had met her today.

"So why did you quit? Won't you tell me?"

Senior, who had been looking back and forth between me and her glass with slightly hazy, tipsy eyes, suddenly turned cold. I felt as if I had made a mistake, but I still wanted to hear it. I could not stand the curiosity any longer.

"It might kill the mood a bit."

"Doesn't matter. I like serious talks too."

The joking atmosphere sank in an instant. And then I was able to hear senior's story—one that, of all things, resembled my own.

"You remember the recent incident? The Hwaseong Gate incident."

"Ah... yes."

The story I had been most curious about, and senior brought it up first. I had thought that if I asked why she quit, the conversation would naturally flow toward what had happened inside the gate. I never expected the story to come out right from the start. I held my breath and focused on every word.

"You probably think I have a lot of experience. Of course, compared to you who's only six months in, I've been at it for over two years, so it might look that way. But as you know, I was in charge of F-Team. That means I only ever went around F-rank and E-rank dungeons. For two whole years."

"Still, you raised the Awoken well and sent them up. Why didn't senior go up to D-rank with them? Did the company block you? Is that why you quit?"

"No. Digressing a little—what I'm saying is that because I only ever did E- and F-ranks, I never once saw a person die for two years. Of course not being able to move up to D-rank was annoying as hell from the company's side. I drank a lot because of that. Still, some of the incentives from the D- and C-teams that my Awoken moved into came my way. Of course it was far less than what the team leaders who stole the Awoken I raised were getting, but it was still enough to hang on without quitting. But this time... I just couldn't hang on anymore. Seeing a person die right in front of my eyes..."

"I see. Then it couldn't be helped. I thought the company simply hadn't treated senior properly..."

"That's not entirely wrong either. One of the reasons I never made it to D-rank was that the company refused to promote me. But the root cause was the Awoken."

"The Awoken?"

"Yeah. I was a bit picky. Those horny bastards kept asking me to offer up my ass, and I refused them to death. I also opposed them bringing hostess girls into the dungeons. So they threw fits demanding a different supporter..."

"Aha..."

"It's fine. Anyway... I thought I had a sense of mission for this job. I actually lived that way. But after watching corpses pile up right in front of me, I couldn't bring myself to enter a dungeon again. That's all. Satisfied now?"

Senior seemed a little drunk, and she went on pouring out her past without pause—why she had wanted to become an Awoken in the first place; why, even though she had never awakened and even though her body was naturally weak, she had applied to an Awoken supporter company knowing she might die and headed into dungeons. Those stories kept coming.

But of all things, senior dug up the memory I most wanted to forget.

"My parents passed away in the old Cheonji Department Store gate overflow incident. You know it, right? Korea's first gate overflow. Back then the department store side had been hiding the fact that a gate had appeared in the basement until everything blew up. At the time there weren't many gates in the country yet, so the Awoken still had leeway..."

My vision blurred. Suddenly my heart clenched tight. Breathing became difficult.

Ah...

Why of all places did senior's parents have to be there...

Back then my entire family had been there too. Grandpa, grandma, dad, mom, even my little brother. And that day had happened to be my birthday.

Hah... hah... I couldn't breathe. My eyes closed.

Why, even now, whenever I thought of that day...

"Junghyeok-ah? Hey! Kang Junghyeok? Why are you suddenly like that? Are you drunk? Hey!! Team Leader Kang!"

Beep—

That tinnitus again. Tremendous pain like my skull was splitting open rushed in, and I collapsed on the spot with my eyes shut.

But in the pitch-black darkness, once again a strange choice window blocked my vision.

Erase my memory?

Don't make me laugh.

"NO..."

It was painful, and sometimes I wanted to forget—but I had not the slightest intention of erasing that memory. My choice was of course NO. And it would remain NO from now on as well.

"Team Leader Kang? Are you okay? Coming to?"

"Senior..."

"What, you're not this weak with alcohol. Don't you need to go to the hospital?"

"Where is this? How much time has passed?"

"About ten minutes since you collapsed. This is inside a taxi, and we're heading to the hospital now."

I was lying on the back seat of the taxi with my head pillowed on senior's lap. My legs had crumpled awkwardly toward the door, and my lower back felt ready to give out. I shifted my legs into a more comfortable position and settled properly against her lap. Then, looking up at her cute chin, I spoke.

"Senior. The hospital's fine... won't you ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠have sex with me?"

"What?"

Senior's glasses skewed sideways in fluster.