Chapter 59: Until the Blue Sky Comes (19)
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 59: Until the Blue Sky Comes (19)
The purpose of my existence ended that day.
Alien invasions began just as I was entering elementary school, and the Earth Defense Union, having decided to create Superhumans, conducted genetic testing on the entire global population.
Word spread that parents of children with genes suitable for becoming Superhumans would receive a massive payout in exchange for handing them over. The Earth Defense Union imposed a gag order on the parents regarding the compensation, and to this day, that story has never leaked to the outside world.
There might be reasons I’m unaware of, but to speak only of what I know for certain: my parents' genes were suitable, and the criteria for becoming a Superhuman at the time were children under the age of ten who had not yet hit puberty.
My family had been suffering under a mountain of debt since I was young, and my parents turned me into a Superhuman to pay it off. The debt was cleared, and I believed only harmonious days lay ahead for our home, but not long after, my parents died in a car accident.
My brother, who is ten years older than me, was a high school student at the time and didn't meet the criteria for a Superhuman. Having reached adulthood by the time our parents passed, he worked many jobs to raise me. Eventually, the business he started became a huge success, and I never felt much material lack while growing up.
However, I always felt as if a screw were missing from my life. Ever since I became a Superhuman, I felt like my existence was merely a tool for my parents to pay off their debts. By the time the symptoms of being a Superhuman began to manifest in my body, I had never really thought about having a purpose in life.
Then, I reached a conclusion. I was used as a means for my parents to pay their debt by becoming a Superhuman, and on that day, the value of my existence had ended.
My brother spent every day busy with work, and I began to spend more time alone.
When school ended, I came home and did the housework. In that way, a use for me as a tool was found: helping my brother, who lived such a busy life, by doing the chores. That was my everything.
As long as I did what I could without getting angry and kept a smile on my face, no one said a word to me. Not at school, and not at home.
It wasn't that I was forcing a smile or intentionally suppressing anger.
It was simply that no matter what I experienced, I didn't feel angry, and I had learned that smiling when things got difficult made the situation even a little bit better. That was why I smiled.
"This is my younger sister. Say hello."
"Hello."
One day, my brother brought a woman home. He introduced her as someone he had met through an introduction—his girlfriend. She was a woman only a few years younger than him. I shared greetings with her, smiling as always.
In the autumn of my freshman year of high school, my brother and that woman got married, and his girlfriend became my sister-in-law. The following year, my brother's first child was born, and I had to look after the baby when I came home from school.
I felt like I had become even more useful. I didn't feel any particular emotion about transitioning from someone who just did housework to someone who also had to childcare, but the fact that more moments arose where I was needed was important to me, as I was living without any other purpose.
My sister-in-law, who initially handled the childcare with me, started going to work with my brother, leaving me to look after the child alone. I didn't think it would be too difficult to care for one child by myself, but the next year, she became pregnant with their second.
In the summer of my senior year of high school, I dropped out.
The reason was my sister-in-law's suggestion. Is "suggestion" even the right word?
At the time, I had received an offer to work as an active Superhuman. She asked if it wouldn't be better to earn money through Superhuman activities while looking after the children instead of going to school.
I didn't give it much thought. I didn't feel any particular need to attend school, and I figured it wouldn't matter anyway, so I went to school the very next day after she brought it up and filed for withdrawal.
The school tried to stop me since summer vacation was just around the corner, but doing housework was more valuable to me than attending classes.
When I told my family I had quit school, my brother raised his voice and got angry at me for the first time. At the time, I didn't understand what the problem was. I felt that going to school was unnecessary for someone like me, who had no use other than being a Superhuman and a housekeeper, so I couldn't see what was wrong with quitting.
"I'm okay," I told him with a smile.
My brother was scary when he was angry, but I believed that if I remained a good girl who did her job well, things would soon be fine. However, after that day, my brother hardly ever spoke to me.
Several more years passed, and I was raising three children. It wasn't that looking after them wasn't hard. There were certainly many difficult moments, but caring for the children was the reason I could stay in that house. Seeing them grow day by day made me feel proud and helped me forget the hardships of the day before.
From the time I was looking after the second child, my sister-in-law stopped paying attention to childcare, and even now, with the third child growing up, the responsibility of looking after them fell entirely on me.
Then one day, while watching people cooking on TV, I felt for the first time that it looked fun. There was no specific reason. They just looked happy on the screen, and I felt a sense of curiosity and interest.
But the environment didn't allow me to pursue it.
The money I could use was very limited, and no matter how much I pinched pennies, I could only save a pittance each month. Even so, for the first time, I had a goal. I wanted to buy a cookbook.
The first cookbook I bought at the bookstore was full of fascinating things. Looking at the photos of beautifully plated dishes, I felt a sense of wonder and a desire to try it myself, but I couldn't. Doing something like cooking for enjoyment didn't fall under my "utility."
Even while active in Hunter Killer, I never felt like I could achieve much.
I would go to duels, return home to look after the kids, and contribute my salary to the household budget.
As this cycle repeated, I gradually stopped thinking altogether. It was enough to just live like this and prove myself in the places where my existence could be validated.
But at some point, seeing my teammates laughing and talking, I felt a void in a corner of my heart. When was the last time the smile on my face was genuine?
Was the smile I wore while looking after the children real?
Perhaps I never had a purpose to begin with?
"What do you want to do, Hayoung?"
When I first heard those words from that man, I couldn't think of anything.
What did I want to do?
Was doing housework and looking after children really my everything?
When the monthly allowance ran short, I asked my brother for money, and my sister-in-law always said harsh things to me. Even when word of a conflict with a neighbor reached her ears, I was subjected to her sharp tongue, but I felt nothing.
Was it really that I felt nothing? Or was I actually just enduring it?
It didn't matter either way. I thought accepting those situations was my utility, my everything.
But what did I want to do?
Every time I thought about the question he asked, the void in my heart seemed to grow, and it began to ache.
I was hurt when I heard harsh words, and I felt uncomfortable when I clashed with neighbors.
While a part of my heart ached, I still couldn't think of an answer to his question about what I wanted.
...On the day of the trip, I hadn't made a decision until the moment I left the house.
"Auntie, aren't you going on the trip?"
the moment I heard little Hoyoung's voice, the thought that I had to go on the trip took hold.
Regardless of my inability to find an answer, the child had done nothing wrong. Why should he have to face such difficult moments?
...But then, I hadn't done anything wrong either, so why did I have to face all of this?
At that moment, the thought that I had to go turned into a desire to go.
I wanted to have fun, too. I wanted to have enjoyable conversations with my teammates, and I wanted to cook to my heart's content.
The question of what I wanted to do.
'I want to do what I want to do.'
That was my answer.
So I went on the trip, and he told me the first dish I presented was delicious.
I learned that being able to give someone even a moment of joy is a form of happiness. Perhaps the reason I didn't find looking after the children so grueling was because there were moments, however brief, where they felt happy because of me.
On the walking trail, he asked me once more what I wanted to do.
But unlike before, I didn't hesitate. It was only a single day, a single trip, but the many things I felt today held the answer to what I wanted.
"I'm going to move out of the house."
There would surely be situations even more difficult than the path I had walked so far, but that was okay.
For twenty-eight years, I lived as a "good girl," living for others to maintain my utility.
From now on—even if it's only now, while it's not too late—wouldn't it be okay to live a little for myself?
The thought crossed my mind that the value of my existence might grow even thinner, and I might become a truly useless being, but even that was okay.
I returned from the trip and decided to leave the house.
The childcare I had handled alone would now fall to my sister-in-law, who had left everything to me, and I asked Mr. A to help me look for a new place to live.
He helped me. Why was he going so far to help me? Was I worth that much? Did he actually have some ulterior motive, and was I expected to become someone who fulfilled that purpose?
"May I ask why you're helping me this much?"
"Because I don't like seeing you in pain, Hayoung."
To the question I asked out of anxiety, he answered without a moment's hesitation.
Was I in pain?
I was in pain.
I didn't know how to receive help from others, and I thought I only had value if I shouldered everything alone. I realized for the first time that such a thing was painful.
He said he didn't like seeing me in pain. What was the reason?
Could it be that there was no reason at all? If he was giving me unconditional help, if he simply wanted me not to be in pain, then wouldn't it be okay for me to seek a little help?
Just once. Wouldn't it be okay to be a little greedy for my own sake?
"I'm looking for a house. Could you help me a little?"
"Yes. I'll help as much as I can."
I was already asking for and receiving help in looking for a house, but my heart felt different now compared to when I first asked. Now, I wanted to be a little greedy.
While we were looking at furniture, the employee mistook us for newlyweds. It would have been better to clear up the misunderstanding, but I didn't want to embarrass the employee, and thinking that Mr. A might forgive me just this once, I took a leap.
"Hey, honey! Come look at this too!"
"Oh, uh, yeah."
It was embarrassing. The action I chose to avoid embarrassing the employee who mistook us for newlyweds ended up embarrassing both me and Mr. A. I felt incredibly sorry toward him.
Helping me must have been tedious and difficult enough already, yet he was playing along with my reckless behavior.
But as we walked around the furniture store like a newlywed couple, the situation gradually became enjoyable. I truly felt like I was looking for furniture to use in a house where I would live with him, and I found myself wishing that our act of being newlyweds would become a reality.
I dislike my sister-in-law. It's impossible for me to have good feelings toward a woman who didn't even know her own children well and who made my life so difficult.
But when I thought of how happy my brother looked when he first met her, I realized that people choose marriage because, while it may have many hardships, it also brings many moments of happiness.
If I were to start a family with him, would many happy moments come to me as well?
I knew right away that this was an excessive greed. So, I decided to enjoy just this moment and look for things that could fill that happiness in the future.
The day of the move arrived.
The movers transported my few belongings, and I said goodbye to the children before leaving the house.
"Auntie. Are you really going?"
"Yes. You can be brave even without me, right?"
Even the first and second children, who usually ran around energetically, seemed sad that I was leaving. They looked unusually quiet and listless today.
"Yeah."
"I'll come visit when I can."
"Auntie."
I turned my head at Hoyoung's voice. He was a quiet child who didn't express himself much compared to his older siblings. Did Hoyoung also feel that there were happy moments while living with me?
"Be careful."
"Okay. You take care too, Hoyoung."
After saying goodbye to the children, I turned my gaze to my brother, who had taken the day off.
"Contact me if you need anything."
"I will. Don't worry too much."
As I was about to leave after the farewells, my eyes fell on my sister-in-law sitting on the living room sofa. Even though I disliked her, I approached her to say goodbye since it was the last time.
I could feel the heavy air between us. No particular words came to mind.
"Here."
What I handed her was a single notebook.
"I wrote down the things the kids like and dislike. Various other things, too."
I no longer used formal language with her. After delivering my final purpose to her, I turned my back. I had no way of knowing if she would be able to look after the children well from now on, but I hoped the notebook I had done my best to write would be of some help.
After a final goodbye at the entrance, I took the elevator down.
I felt a sense of loneliness at the thought of parting with the children I had spent ten years with, but since this was a choice for myself, I decided not to regret it.
When I stepped out of the elevator and exited the apartment building, my eyes met A, who was waiting at the entrance. I couldn't hide my smile.
"Did you say your goodbyes well?"
"Yes."
Today was the first day I chose for myself, the day I decided to live for my own sake.
There will likely be more painful times than happy ones, but the happy moments will feel far more significant. I don't know if he will be with me through all those events, but a part of me hoped that he would be.
Today is the day I move into my new home.
Even though it must be a hassle, A came to meet me early in the morning, saying he would help me today as well. We got into a taxi together to go and get the house in order.