Self-Loathing

"J-Jenison, you're okay?!"

"He's awake!"

Apparently the news that I had come to had only just reached them. Lianna and Albert came pounding down the corridor hard enough to make it echo. It should still have been the middle of the Midterm Evaluation, yet there they were, drenched in sweat from the sprint. I handed each of them a glass of water, and we talked.

It ran the usual gamut—the stock pleasantries about whether I was really all right, the scolding over why I'd fought alone so recklessly, and all the way down to what on earth had happened inside that black sphere.

"I'm in one piece, so stop worrying."

"R-really? Oh, thank goodness~"

"That's a relief."

"So how did the Midterm Evaluation turn out?"

"Ah... well, about that..."

The two of them explained that thanks to the Chairwoman unwinding the spell in reverse, they'd been able to find me lying collapsed inside the sphere—along with Leon, head severed from his body. While they rejoiced over what a stroke of luck that was, my own heart was anything but glad.

The mere fact that the Chairwoman had deciphered demonic magic was staggering in itself. Human and demon magic differed completely in system and structure, and it was common knowledge that no human alive understood demonic spellcraft.

But what mattered was this: the Midterm Evaluation had been halted midway. It was a well-known fact that mages never retracted a word once spoken—and the Chairwoman stood at the very summit of them all. Which meant that with the evaluation cut short, if I failed to score excellent marks, the relic and everything else would burst like a soap bubble.

Let me say it again: relics are absurdly hard to come by. Conquering a Gate is difficult enough, but coaxing out the relic with the exact ability you want is far harder still. And since the power I needed belonged to a fairly high-grade relic, the Gate's difficulty naturally had to climb along with it.

That was the whole point of the arrangement—in exchange for saving the life of one worthless cripple I could kill at any moment, I would take home the relic I needed most. And now everything had gone sideways in the most spectacular way possible. Sick of it, I kept raking my hands through my hair.

I owed the Chairwoman a debt now, so I could probably pry it out of her that way—but then my other plan would come apart at the seams.

"Albert, then what happens to our scores—"

"Ah, right. You weren't there to hear it."

I'd let ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the question die halfway out of my mouth, but Albert seemed to catch my drift and answered anyway.

"Long story short, the evaluation rankings will be calculated as of the moment the assessment was halted."

'...Fuck.'

"What's wrong all of a sudden? Jenison, weren't you the one who couldn't care less about grades?"

"...It's nothing."

The very moment I decided I would have to go see the Chairwoman, the window beside me swung open and a soft breeze stole quietly in. An emerald-hued leaf came fluttering and swaying through it—and in the next breath, the leaf had taken the shape of the Chairwoman herself.

"Good day to you, cadets."

"C-Chairwoman?!"

"..."

Sweeping her bangs back as she took in our stunned faces, the Chairwoman explained why she had come.

"There is a matter concerning your grades on which I require your confirmation."

With a small flick of her hand, documents and a quill materialized in her grasp, and she sent them sailing straight toward us. Written there were our evaluation scores, each name attached. She held our gazes one by one, then carried on.

"I offer my sincere apologies for the grave losses you cadets have suffered as a result of this regrettable incident at the Academy."

"...!!"

Watching the Chairwoman bend into a perfect ninety-degree bow as she apologized, every one of us jolted in shock. She lifted her head as though nothing were the least bit unusual and moved straight on to the compensation we would be receiving.

"First, every cadet who was still alive when the Majin appeared during this evaluation will be compensated without exception. Furthermore, to ensure that no such misfortune befalls you again, we will be installing a barrier to block Magi—and it has been agreed that the cadets who survived this incident will receive priority consideration in their grades."

As she finished speaking, she drew something out of subspace. A dazzling blue light gathered in a single place, as though glowing of its own will. That living, breathing radiance held our eyes captive; then it split into three and drifted into each of our hands.

When the blue glow finally cleared, what lay before us was an ornately wrought glass vial filled with azure liquid.

"Wh-what is this, Chairwoman?"

"An elixir that expands your mana capacity. It will be of great help to you all."

"E-excuse me?!"

"Ah—of course, this is merely part of your compensation for damages. Rewards based on your scores will be granted separately."

Every spell in existence requires mana. Which means the vaster your reserves, the more overwhelmingly you dominate a fight. But those reserves are fixed from the moment of birth; the only ways to grow them are rare special methods or elixirs like this one, and the price climbs exponentially.

By any measure, this was the sort of item that would leave anyone else's jaw on the floor. I set mine straight down on the floor and looked back up at her.

"Chairwoman... my score...?"

She pulled a face as if she couldn't imagine what I meant, then her expression went flat again and she patted my head. I flinched and pulled away from the sudden touch, but she paid it no mind, answering in the same toneless voice.

"Your marks are excellent. You need not worry."

"...Mine, you say?"

"Is there a problem?"

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

"It feels strange to say it myself, but I didn't exactly earn many bonus points..."

"If a cadet who single-handedly subjugated an Intermediate-Rank Demonic Beast is not excellent, then who in this Academy is?"

At the Chairwoman's blunt verdict, the others chimed in as if on cue. You were incredible. You looked so cool. I never knew you had that kind of power in you. The praise kept coming and coming.

And beneath it, I could glimpse a flicker of private awkwardness—unease at how completely I seemed to have changed.

I had nothing to say to that. Because nothing about me had changed.

I was no possessed protagonist out of some novel, waking up one day with a personality swapped overnight. What you watched back then was Jenison. What you watch now is Jenison. What you will watch will be Jenison. It was me. It is ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠me. It will be me.

What stories would be running wild the moment I stepped out that door? Would those who had seen me come swarming with flattery-sweet smiles? Or would I find the faces of those who still refused to believe the rumors?

I haven't changed a bit, and yet people keep telling me I have. The Chairwoman, who until recently hadn't spared me a single glance, calls me excellent. The kid I used to torment calls me remarkable. And the friend who kept drawing near no matter how deliberately I pushed her away—I ended up opening my heart to her after all.

What exactly has changed in me? What is all this goodwill for? I am still not a clean man.

I have killed. I tortured a mind and carved a body into six pieces. It was the only way I knew to survive—excuses like that don't hold water. Because whatever you call it, I am a murderer.

To someone, I dealt a wound that will never close. To someone, I gave a reason to hunger for revenge. To someone, I handed power soaked in blood.

Reason it out however I like, I know I'm the only one losing here—and still the paranoia churns through my skull.

Just as the dark thoughts were tightening their grip on my mind, a shimmering pane flickered into view before me.

Startled as I was by the status window's sudden appearance, my body was already melting into a warm, honeyed languor. The bitter thoughts from moments ago drained away, happiness seeping in to fill the space they left behind. Joy and elation swelled, and in the space of a heartbeat my mood turned bright.

'...Is it trying to control my emotions now? What the hell...'

"...Cadet Jenison?"

Apparently the look frozen on my face at the window's message was grave enough, because the Chairwoman had somehow drawn right up in front of me and was peering down into it. Lianna and Albert, flanking me, were staring openly at my face as well—the weight of all those eyes was unbearable.

I mumbled that it was nothing and tried to slip free of the moment, but Albert clearly had no intention of letting it go.

"Out with it, Jenison. One look at that face of yours and I can tell something's wrong."

"...You don't need to trouble yourself over it."

Even with that raw-edged voice slipping out of ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠me unbidden, Albert didn't so much as blink. He just kept watching me.

"Huh...? Jenison, is something the matter?"

"...?"

Lianna piled on, and then even the Chairwoman turned her gaze my way. Beaten down by all that attention, I had no choice but to say something—anything—to turn the conversation.

"It's nothing major. Some business came up that requires a visit to the Church."

"What?"

Their reaction was sharper than I'd bargained for, and my head came up in surprise. On either side of me, they were staring at me with eyes gone wide.

"The... Church...?"

"Is there really any need to go there?"

"Unless it is for treatment, I am afraid I cannot excuse you from classes."

Each of them demanded an explanation, but I didn't have one to give. I had a feeling it had something to do with this crest, but I had no idea what exactly it was.

No amount of hedging got me anywhere, so the mood settled for glossing over it with the line that I would need ongoing treatment. With that more or less smoothed over, the Imperial Princess, Isabella, Caerlin, and the rest arrived in turn to welcome me—and answering each of their worries one by one, I found no time to rest at all.

And before long, my body fully healed, I was able to visit the Church.

"...?"