Chapter 22: Even the Absolute Being Is a First-Time Dad
Absolute Beginner Dad Episode 22
Meanwhile, Bong-gu arrived at Kang-jun's house at the crack of dawn, his heart trembling with anticipation.
The long-awaited first day of special training.
Kang-jun suddenly handed him a pair of obviously heavy "sandbags" and said:
"Bong-gu, from now on you'll wear these at all times."
"What are these?"
"Can't you tell just by looking? For god's sake, read a book once in a while."
"Huh? Read books?"
"Bong-gu, don't tell me you've never seen 'Dragon■'?"
Kang-jun spoke as if scolding him, his forehead deeply furrowed in frustration as he explained:
"You've never seen that scene where Sun Wukong trains wearing unbearably heavy clothes, then dramatically removes them to become insanely fast when in danger?"
"Well, I have seen it, but I'm a bit concerned whether such outdated training methods would actually be effective..."
"And what about 'Lucky■'? There's a similar scene where the protagonist fights wearing ridiculously heavy steel underwear, then dramatically throws it off when about to lose..."
Could this primitive training method really have any positive effect on his upcoming promotion exam?
'This is completely unscientific training.'
There had to be at least a dozen research papers proving that such training methods only damaged joints without improving physical abilities.
Even those elderly martial artists practicing in the mountains wearing traditional hanbok would scoff at this outdated training regimen...
'Besides, I'm a magic-type awakened...'
Just then, Kang-jun suddenly sneered, "Fine, whatever," as he began gathering up the sandbags.
"If you don't want to, forget it. I spent tens of thousands of won on these, and you don't even appreciate it."
"No, hyung-nim! I didn't mean I don't want to..."
"There are plenty of others lining up to train under me. The queue would wrap around the Earth several times."
"I-I'm really sorry! I'll do anything!"
With no choice, Kim Bong-gu reluctantly strapped the sandbags to his wrists and ankles.
'Wow, these are way heavier than I expected. Each must weigh at least 10kg...'
As Bong-gu struggled with the unexpected weight, Kang-jun finally nodded in satisfaction and said:
"Now go play with Seol."
"Excuse me...?"
"I'll kill you if I have to repeat myself."
"Y-yes..."
Reluctantly, Bong-gu approached Seol and spoke in the sweetest tone possible:
"Seol-ah, want to play with uncle?"
"Mm! Yes!"
"Great, what do you want to play?"
Seol smiled brightly and pointed at the 'Dr. Quick Math Calculation Play Set' with her finger.
"Seol want play this!"
And thus began the dreaded "Calculation Play from Hell" that every family member feared...
The torturous math game finally ended after several grueling hours.
"Seol done now."
"C-can uncle take break?"
"No! Now play other game!"
Next began the "Heroic Child Roleplay" that family members feared just as much as the math games.
"Hi-yah, hi-yah, hi-yah!"
"Huff, huff..."
"Hi-yah, hi-yah, hi-yah!"
Bong-gu played the villain who emerged from a Gate, while Seol acted as the child hero protecting Earth.
After several more games, when Seol finally tired from running around, "household training" began.
"Bong-gu, clean the stove."
"Yes..."
"It's really greasy."
"Yes..."
"After that, do the laundry."
"Yes..."
"Remember? Whites and darks separately."
"Yes..."
"When you're done, clean the house."
"Yes..."
Of course, with 40kg of sandbags strapped to his limbs, even simple play or chores became grueling exercises.
'Why am I already so exhausted?'
A debilitating sense of weakness dominated his entire body as sweat poured down like rain.
'Was I always this weak?'
Somewhere deep in Bong-gu's heart, self-loathing began bubbling up at his own weakness.
'Pathetic. How can I protect my family and obtain elixirs to cure Mother with this weak body...?'
But Bong-gu shook his head to dispel such weak thoughts and began vigorously scrubbing the floor with his rag.
'Kim Bong-gu, you can do this. Endure and grow stronger. Become strong enough to return your family to happiness...'
And so his hellish days accumulated.
One day, another day, yet another...
About a week later, Bong-gu noticed something shocking—absolutely no changes in his condition.
'I'm just getting more exhausted by the day—!'
In psychology, there's a term called "confirmation bias."
The tendency to ignore or rationalize away information that contradicts one's beliefs.
Simply put, refusing to accept being wrong, only seeing what one wants to see...
'He must have a good reason...'
Lately, Bong-gu's thought patterns perfectly matched this definition.
Unable to accept that his grueling training might be meaningless...
'Maybe hyung-nim is testing my patience and perseverance?'
Otherwise, he couldn't fathom why Kang-jun would assign such inefficient training.
If it were practicing punches or kicks while wearing weighted wrist/ankle bands, that would at least make some sense.
But being stuck doing exhausting "childcare" and "housework"...
'Now that I think about it, this is really strange.'
Burying himself in his own hypothesis, Bong-gu kept adding justifications.
'There are many stories like this, right?'
After much hardship, getting hired at a famous chef's restaurant only to spend years prepping ingredients without touching a pan...
Or becoming a famous mangaka's apprentice only to spend years practicing drawing straight lines...
True masters rarely pass down their secrets easily.
'It was a test all along...'
Just then, Kang-jun—lounging on the sofa scratching his belly while watching TV—glanced at the calendar...
"Huh? It's already the end of the month?"
Noticing the date, Kang-jun asked Bong-gu, who was folding laundry:
"Hey Bong-gu, when's your promotion exam again?"
"Early December, so about two months left."
Kang-jun chewed his lip anxiously.
'Shit, I should start proper training soon...'
Inspired by "Dragon■," he'd been making Bong-gu undergo this inefficient training, thinking "I'll try this if I ever get a disciple."
Actually...
Truth be told, he'd completely forgotten about the sandbags, dumping all childcare and housework on Bong-gu while lazing around for half a month...
Only now, with the deadline approaching, did he start feeling urgency about providing "real training."
"When's that memorial and award ceremony again?"
"Let me see... you said October 1st, so probably—"
Bong-gu trailed off, then checked his phone.
"Huh? It's tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow?"
"Yeah, tomorrow."
Kang-jun clicked his tongue disapprovingly.
"Let's attend tomorrow's ceremony first, then start proper training."
Bong-gu's eyes welled up with emotion.
"H-hyung-nim! Does this mean I passed the 'test'?"
Kang-jun just blinked stupidly.
Test? Passed? What was he talking about?
Smirking, Bong-gu continued:
"Hyung-nim, it's me, Kim Bong-gu."
"And?"
"The guy who'd be dead if he couldn't read situations."
"So?"
"I knew all along."
Bong-gu chuckled smugly.
"You've been testing my patience and perseverance these past two weeks, right?"
After staring blankly for a moment, Kang-jun went "Ah..." and quickly replied:
"Y-yeah, you could say that..."
Patting Bong-gu's shoulder, he added:
"Well... you worked hard..."
"Hyung-nim..."
"J-just be prepared starting tomorrow..."
As Kang-jun hastily left, Bong-gu choked back complicated emotions...
"Good grief."
The little Doberman watching silently—
No.
The Archdemon Marbas wagged his tail while thinking:
'That devil, Immortal...'
Though technically, he was the actual devil.
Since the Gates appeared three years ago, several cities had vanished from maps.
The damage from monsters was so severe that recovery became impossible, leaving areas abandoned.
Prime examples included Gangwon and Chungcheong provinces, turned into ghost towns by Calamity-grade Gates...
The outskirts of Gyeonggi bordering these areas weren't much better.
So-called "dead cities."
These lawless zones naturally attracted those living in society's shadows.
And...
Gyeonggi's Anseong City, not far from Seoul, was one such dead city.
Inside a small bar in an abandoned building, sticky jazz music played.
A handsome man sipped strong whiskey and spoke calmly:
"The operation is imminent."
He was Kim Do-hoon, who'd been relentlessly tailing their target—"Filial Son Kim Bong-gu."
Ranked 11th among the Twelve Executives of the Anti-Management Bureau Alliance...
Once a celebrated S-rank hunter codenamed "Insect Artisan."
After suddenly joining the anti-government faction, he disappeared into the shadows, committing countless crimes.
"Excited, oppa?"
A young girl beside him giggled with manic energy.
Torture Technician Lee Hee-ji.
Ranked 12th among the Executives...
Formerly an S-rank hunter until her secret atrocities in Gates were exposed, making her a wanted criminal.
Though not sharing the Alliance's ideology, she joined purely to indulge in unrestricted torture and murder.
"The target is strong."
At Kim Do-hoon's flat statement, Lee Hee-ji grinned.
"I know. That's why I'm excited."
Looking around the shadowy bar, she added:
"Right?"
Though darkness obscured exact numbers, at least thirty Anti-Management Bureau murderers filled the room.
All individuals the world would call "villains" or "monsters."
"Tch."
Clicking his tongue, Kim Do-hoon surveyed his team before continuing coldly:
"Tomorrow, during the ceremony when our target Kim Bong-gu takes the stage..."
Pausing deliberately:
"We'll cut power to the convention hall to buy time, then detonate bombs at eight pre-set locations to create chaos."
"Then?"
"We slaughter as many non-allies as possible to expose the Bureau's incompetence and instill fear of our organization..."
Trailing off, he plunged a gleaming dagger into the target's photo on the bar table.
"Then we abduct the target and disappear."
As laughter—both high and low—filled the grim atmosphere, Lee Hee-ji suddenly exclaimed:
"Oppa! It's today now!"
Midnight had passed—D-Day had arrived.
And so...
The long-awaited memorial and award ceremony began.