The Shadow of the Past
The sunset-drenched road was filled with the relentless flow of cars. People were on their way back to their respective homes. Ihyeon walked side by side with Taegon, clutching her shopping bag as if it were a treasure. She felt as though her feet were floating off the ground.
She couldn't stop thinking about the way Taegon’s hands had felt when he handed her the gift, or the sound of his voice telling her that it suited her well.
'Today is truly... a dreamlike day.'
Every time the knit dress rustled inside the shopping bag, her heart fluttered. Ihyeon wished that today would never end.
"Taegon, are your legs not tired? We walked quite a lot today."
"I'm fine. What about you, Ihyeon?"
"Me? I'm perfectly fine! I could easily walk for another two or three hours."
"At that rate, we should go hiking together next time."
"Oh, I don't know about that..."
As Ihyeon giggled and waved her hands in denial, Taegon smiled quietly. Every time the wind blew, Ihyeon’s hair swayed, and the sunset painted a golden sheen over it.
'Ah... I wish this time would pass just a little slower.'
Just then, a man turning the corner came into view. A middle-aged man in a black suit with a tight tie, clutching a briefcase, hurried past them while talking on his phone.
"No, what are you doing telling me that now?! Sigh... Fine. I’ll go to the client myself. Just fix the proposal!"
A complete stranger, someone with no connection to Ihyeon whatsoever. But her body reacted.
The suit, the briefcase, and the voice laced with irritation. That was all it took.
Her heart plummeted to the floor. Ihyeon’s expression darkened in an instant. A deep shadow fell over her once-bright eyes, the corners of her lips turned downward, and she lost her focus.
Her hands gripped the shopping bag like a lifeline. Ihyeon began to be crushed by the encroaching terror.
The cold, harsh glow of office fluorescent lights. The days spent staring at a monitor in a narrow cubicle divided by partitions.
A sharp voice echoed in her ears. "Hey! What is this?! You call this a report? Use your brain if you have one! Are you not paying attention?! Do you think what I'm saying is a joke?"
A stack of papers flew and hit her face, scattering everywhere. A4 sheets littered the floor, and files were thrown, rolling across the ground. The face twisted with malice and the bulging veins of her Team Leader surfaced in her mind.
"You bring me this trash and call it a report?! Huh?!! How did you even graduate college to handle work like this?!!"
"I, I'm sorry. I will revise it—"
"Revise? Is this even worth fixing?!"
A thick document file flew at her again. The paper grazed her cheek, leaving a red line.
— *Haa, haa.*
No one helped her. In an office with twelve people, eleven gazes remained fixed only on their monitors. She knelt on the floor to gather the scattered papers. Her hands were trembling violently. Someone’s dress shoes walked past her. When she looked up at the presence, a gaze filled with contempt was looking down at her.
Ihyeon thought then, 'I wasn't even considered a colleague...'
— *Haa, haa, haa.*
When lunchtime came, everyone left in small groups. Ihyeon was always left behind, all alone.
'Excuse me... could I possibly join you?'
She had once gathered the courage to ask, suppressing her shame. It took a full ten minutes just to get those words out. She had clenched and unclenched her hands until they were sweaty, and only after steadying her breath three times could she finally speak.
What returned was only an awkward silence as they glanced at each other.
"Oh, we have just the right number of people right now... Sorry."
There was no genuine regret in their apology. Their eyes were saying it clearly: 'Don't intrude without reading the room.'
The backs of her colleagues turning away. The sound of laughter growing distant. When she sat alone in the empty office and opened her lunchbox, the food wouldn't go down her throat.
— *Haa, haa, haa, haa.*
There was no proper handover. No one explained anything to her.
"Ihyeon, this was due yesterday, why are you still holding onto it?"
"I, I'm hearing about this for the first time. No one told me..."
"You should know that yourself! Who in this company is going to look after you one by one?"
— *Haa, haa, haa, haa, haa.*
Every responsibility fell on her. She was scolded for asking, and scolded for not asking. If she didn't know and couldn't do it, she was called incompetent, and if she asked, she was chided for not being able to judge for herself. A maze with no correct answer. She had to hit the same wall every day in a maze with no exit.
— *Haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa.*
"She’s always just reading the room. And the atmosphere... it's a bit gloomy."
"How did someone who can't even do what she's told get hired in the first place?"
"So frustrating, really. I don't know why she lives so pathetically."
The whispers drifted over the partition. They were clearly meant for her to hear. Those whispers were sharper than knives. Since no blood was drawn, no one felt any guilt.
— *Haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa.*
Even breathing was a burden. It felt as if the very fact that she was alive was a nuisance to everyone.
'Everyone would be happy if I disappeared.'
Every time that thought filled her head, her breath tightened more sharply.
— *Haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa.*
Every morning before leaving for work, she stopped in front of the front door. She would stand there for 5 or 10 minutes, unable to leave while holding the handle. From the moment the alarm went off, her stomach would twist and nausea would rise.
The face in the mirror turned paler by the day.
'I have to go. I have to go, but... I can't. If I go, I'll be scolded again, ignored, and treated like an invisible person...'
— *Haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa.*
There were days she gritted her teeth and opened the door, and days she couldn't open it and crawled back under the blankets. She cried all day, curled up with the blanket pulled over her head. She cried until she was exhausted and fell asleep, and cried again when she woke up. That was her daily life.
On days she couldn't go to work, guilt covered her; on days she did, despair did. Either way, the conclusion was the same.
'I am a useless human being.'
The Ihyeon of that time was like a broken doll. Only a person on the outside, a shell with nothing inside. She forgot how to smile, and squeezed out her tears until they were dry. All her emotions had bottomed out.
— *Haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa, haa!*
As the fragments of memory scattered, she returned to reality. Ihyeon realized belatedly that her steps had stopped. Her heart was beating wildly, and her whole body was damp with cold sweat. The sunset illuminated Ihyeon’s face brightly, but her expression did not match the light at all.
Her vision blurred. The orange glow of the sunset shifted to the white of fluorescent lights, then back to orange. Reality and the past overlapped, and the world shook.
'...It’s happening again.'
Ihyeon gasped for air and bit her lip. There were countless office workers in this world. People carrying briefcases existed everywhere. She felt so pathetic for crumbling helplessly at such an obvious fact.
'It’s all in the past. It’s okay. Now... it’s okay...'
She tried to hold onto her sinking mood, but her heart wouldn't listen. It had been a happy day. It was clearly a happy day, but one suit had caused everything to collapse. The excitement she felt just moments ago, the joy of receiving the knit dress, the moment she laughed while eating tonkatsu—everything was buried under gray memories.
'As expected, I... I guess I don't change no matter how much time passes. Do I even deserve to be happy in the first place...?'
Ihyeon’s eyes turned downward. She stared blankly at her toes. The smile had vanished from her lips.
'Why now of all times... Why on a day like this...'
Her eyes grew hot. She gritted her teeth, fearing that if she cried right here, Taegon would find out. She tried to catch her breath secretly while keeping her head down, but her inhalation caught in her throat.
— *Cough, cough! Cough!*
'Pretend to be okay. I have to pretend to be okay. I don't want Taegon to see me like this.'
Ihyeon clenched her trembling hands tightly.
"Ihyeon."
At his voice, Ihyeon flinched and looked up. Taegon had turned around two steps ahead. The sunset bathed half of his face in orange, and shadows covered the other half. His gaze was directed at Ihyeon.
It wasn't a prying eye. It wasn't an inquisitive eye. It wasn't a worried eye, nor was it a pitying eye. He was just—looking at her.
"We had fun today, didn't we?"
A casual remark to wrap up the day. Taegon smiled. As his lips curved softly, the sunset shone dazzlingly as if in response. The moment that smile entered Ihyeon’s eyes, her world changed completely.
The cold fluorescent lights turned off. The Team Leader’s shouting faded. The papers scattered on the floor disappeared. The backs of her colleagues vanished like smoke. Over all the gray memories, Taegon’s smile settled warmly. Like a single ray of light piercing through dark clouds.
"It’s much more enjoyable walking around together than being alone."
His voice drifted in on the breeze. Ihyeon stared blankly at Taegon. Her heart, which had been submerged in darkness, slowly, very slowly, began to surface. The gray memories were overwritten by his sunset-colored smile.
'...Ah.'
The fluorescent lights of the office changed to the sunset. The hand of the Team Leader throwing papers changed to Taegon’s hand handing her a gift. The world that said, 'You aren't needed,' told her, 'It’s enjoyable because we are together.'
That one sentence pierced Ihyeon’s heart.
'Ah...'
Something frozen inside her chest began to crack. As warm water seeped through the cracked ice, her hardened heart began to loosen gently. The fluorescent lights of the office, the hand that threw the papers, the colleagues who turned their backs—everything receded slowly behind Taegon’s smile.
'This person is reaching out to me. Saying that he enjoys the time he spends with me...'
Taegon wouldn't know what these words meant to the lonely Ihyeon, from the days when no one would spare her a side. His indifferent words were the warmest salvation in the world.
'If this person smiles, it’s okay. Whatever happens, everything will be okay.'
Ihyeon’s eyes grew hot. She barely held back the tears that were about to spill over. She tried to hide her face by bowing her head, but the tip of her nose was already stained red.
"..."
She tried to open her mouth, but no voice came out. Ihyeon clutched the shopping bag to her chest and answered in a trembling voice.
"M-me too."
Her voice was shaking violently.
"I... I really enjoyed today, too."
She had barely managed to say one sentence, but she felt as though the knot that had been blocking her chest had loosened a little. Taegon didn't ask even after seeing her tremble. He didn't pry into why she was shaking, nor did he press her to ask if she was okay.
Ihyeon lifted her head. Her eyes were still moist, but a smile had returned to her lips.
"Taegon."
"Yes."
"Don't you think today went by too fast?"
"Do you think so?"
"Yes, it feels like we just entered the mart a moment ago... but the sun is already setting."
"They say time flies when you're having fun."
"I think that's true. That's why... it's such a shame."
Ihyeon grumbled, puffing out her cheeks slightly with her reddened eyes. Taegon looked at her for a moment, then smiled and replied.
"We can just come again."
"Really?! You'll come again?"
"If you want to, Ihyeon."
"I certainly do! Then I'll plan the course next time. Since you always just say you're fine with anything."
"That... I can't argue with that."
"So you were aware?"
"It's because you point it out so often, Ihyeon."
"But looking at how you don't fix it, doesn't that mean you don't intend to?"
"Well. Maybe it's because it's more comfortable when you choose for me."
"Oh, really... Taegon!"
Ihyeon burst into laughter. At that moment, it felt as though another layer of darkness had been peeled away. Taegon looked at Ihyeon, who was wiping her eyes, with affection.
"Shall we head back now?"
"Yes!"
She stood side by side next to him. The evening air embraced their shoulders, and the sunset stretched their two shadows out side by side. When the distance widened due to the difference in their stride, Ihyeon took a few more steps to walk alongside him again. Taegon saw Ihyeon come to his side and adjusted his pace to match hers.
The knit dress rustled pleasantly inside the shopping bag.
"Taegon."
"Yes?"
"Thank you... so much for the gift today. I said it earlier, but I wanted to say it one more time."
"It was nothing."
He replied with a smile. Ihyeon glanced up at his profile as he walked beside her.
'It’s okay now because Taegon is here.'
Taegon, wrapped in warm light, was close by. The man in the suit who had brushed past earlier was far away. Of course, he hadn't disappeared completely. That memory would likely remain curled up deep inside Ihyeon. But for this moment, the smile of the person beside her was enough.
Feeling Ihyeon’s gaze, Taegon looked at her and smiled brightly. Ihyeon responded to his smile with one of her own. The sound of their footsteps rang out side by side under the sunset. The reason the path leading home felt shorter than usual was likely because of the person beside her.