Hunger and My Missing Sister
Cozy.
Extremely, incredibly, fucking cozy. I was lying in bed, feeling so snug that I wanted to use all three of those words to describe it.
Was there any word that could describe my current state better than this?
I had just showered. I'd dried my fine, shimmering silver hair—which now cascaded all the way down to my waist—using an ancient hair dryer that looked at least ten years old. After basking in the warm, artificial breeze until every strand was dry, I had immediately dove onto the bed.
I was wearing a slightly oversized hoodie. My chest was definitely not oversized, but everything else felt wonderfully warm and comfortable.
I pulled out a small blanket that had been neglected in the closet for God knows how long.
Then, I threw myself onto the bed, sprawling out like a starfish.
Pure bliss.
The absolute heaven of lying down immediately after a shower—anyone who's done it knows exactly what I mean. I surrendered myself to that bliss and was just about to fall asleep...
The shitty ringtone of my outdated phone started blaring.
Why the hell was my phone ringing when I was just a shut-in lying in bed all morning? What could I possibly have to do?
I turned my head to shut the damn thing off.
Even if it was ancient, a smartphone was still a smartphone. Keeping it right next to me to watch YouTube, stream, or browse online communities before sleeping had become a habit.
"Sigh."
On the screen, a notification label read: Sleep for School.
It was an alarm I'd set back in high school to make sure I actually woke up and went to class. What kind of idiot sets an alarm just to go to sleep? Well, that idiot was me.
It was a relic that made me look back and realize I actually tried to live a decent life before becoming an adult.
At the same time, it was a stark reminder of how ruined I was now.
I mean, obviously. I was too lazy to even tap the screen, so I probably just swiped it off and threw the phone aside.
For me, the time when everyone else woke up to work had become my evening, and my bedtime.
"...I feel so empty."
The cozy excitement I felt just moments ago suddenly fizzled out. Everything felt hollow.
I'd always had mood swings, but today they felt exceptionally severe.
Was it because I'd turned into a girl? You know how historical figures always said women are emotional creatures.
...No, that's not a gender thing. It's just my personality.
Just because my body had changed didn't mean the habits I'd built up in my original, trashy body would disappear.
That was why I'd been so sleepy just a second ago, only for a stupid alarm I was too lazy to delete to ruin it all. Now, my sleepiness was completely gone.
My eyes, which had been peacefully closed, were now staring at the ceiling illuminated by the morning light filtering through the window. My body, which had been sprawling so comfortably, suddenly felt awkward and restless.
Sleep had completely abandoned me.
Usually at times like this, I would drag my heavy body to the computer to play more games.
But right now, I didn't feel like it. Even though gaming was practically my entire identity.
Growl.
...And now, my stomach was chiming in. The moment sleep fled, a ravenous hunger hit me, as if a thief had cleaned out my belly.
Come to think of it, when was the last time I ate? I couldn't even remember, which meant it must have been a while.
I remembered eating dry, uncooked ramen noodles without water for days just to stop the painful hunger pangs.
But when was the last time I had a proper, delicious meal that actually felt worth the money?
At least a year ago...?
Or maybe even longer? Maybe never.
Who knows... I was never the type of person to find happiness in eating. I didn't really enjoy the act of eating in the first place.
I hated eating out or having meals with my family. My father would scream his lungs out whenever something displeased him, whether we were at home or outside. My mother would be frantic trying to stop him. In that suffocating atmosphere, my sister and I would eat in silence, pretending to be strangers.
I still vividly remember my dad throwing a container of three-day-old food at the refrigerator. I could still feel the terror of the glass shattering and flying everywhere.
Even as a young child, the sight of shattering glass was deeply traumatic. My sister and I had just stared at each other, barely touching our food before quickly leaving the table.
...Come to think of it, where was my sister?
What was she doing right now?
"She hasn't visited since then..."
Where was my sister, the only person I truly considered family? We had been living together in this house until not too long ago.
Before graduating high school, she had sacrificed her entire school life for me, since I couldn't move my legs. Even after entering college, she would come over to my place to act as my hands and feet.
I couldn't even joke about us having a bad relationship, nor could I badmouth her. It only made me feel guiltier.
People on the internet always wondered how siblings could ever get along.
But we were a rather unusual family.
A father—whom I didn't even want to call a father—who drank every day and laid hands on my mother in his drunken rages.
A mother who took out the stress of dealing with him on us, only to hate herself for it and repeatedly apologize.
And the two of us, who had watched all of this unfold since we were children.
Whenever our miserable family life made us want to die, we leaned on each other to survive.
We had to. Otherwise, we wouldn't have made it.
We had no one else to rely on but each other.
That was probably why... I was so shocked the day she left.
Leaving behind a single "I'm sorry,"
She had suddenly vanished from my life.
Maybe the realization that even my last remaining family member had abandoned me was the trigger that made me want to end it all.
In fact, I actually tried to.
Well, it's in the past now, and I don't really care anymore.
I'm not just trying to act cool or nonchalant; I genuinely mean it.
After all, she still sent me money every month without a word, and she only left this house with the determination to make a living on her own.
Most of all, I could never forget the look on her face when she left, apologizing and promising she would make a fortune...
...Did I ramble too much?
Anyway, that's how it is.
I just wonder what my sister, who cut off contact at some point, is doing right now.
I don't know when I'll find out.
But for now, my screaming stomach takes priority over my missing sister.
The beggar in my stomach was throwing a childish tantrum for food, and it was starting to get painful.
Maybe I should go to the convenience store.
The first place that came to mind was the local convenience store, a place I used to frequent so often it felt like my second home.
I used to go there a lot as a kid to fill my stomach.
Fortunately, the store manager had taken pity on our situation and would always give us expired bento boxes and snacks as "gifts."
...Not that such a miracle would happen now.
I wasn't a child who needed the help of adults anymore. I was an adult who had to earn my own keep.
With those thoughts, I carefully got out of bed to find something to wear.
Finding a top wasn't much of an issue.
I had a whole collection of hoodies since that was all I ever wore. They were already oversized, so they fit fine—aside from being a bit tight around the chest. The real problem was that I didn't have any pants to wear out.
I was completely clueless when it came to fashion. To me, clothes were just scraps of fabric to cover my private parts.
The only reason I even had these hoodies was because my sister had forced them on me...
...I should buy some clothes once I get some money. I'm still wondering why I'd bother, but...
It felt like a waste not to dress up when I had a face and body like this. I mean, a silver-haired, red-eyed, big-breasted beautiful girl??? ...Saying it out loud makes me sound like a total otaku.
Anyway, I was a beautiful girl who looked like she stepped straight out of a fantasy, the kind of girl who could pull off any outfit. It would be a crime not to dress up. Though I probably need to buy underwear first...
I never imagined I'd be the type to think about buying clothes.
But when I thought of it as customizing my favorite character, I suddenly got super motivated. Lol.
...Lost in these random thoughts, I searched the house.
Fortunately, I found a pair of dolphin shorts my sister had left behind.
Luckily, they fit perfectly. Well, they were a bit tight around the butt, but still.
"Alright..."
I checked my bank account, which held barely enough money to buy food.
Exactly thirty thousand won. It was enough for a meal, but definitely not enough to survive in society. A futureless sum.
Seeing such a pitiful amount made dark thoughts creep back in.
How are you going to survive? What are you going to do with your life? How can you be so relaxed?
Deciding that I could worry about these depressing things later,
I threw my anxieties about the future into the deepest, darkest corner of my mind.
Then, I got ready to head out. My stomach was screaming that it had reached its limit, so I hurried out the door.
Oh, and one more thing.
Since I was going out anyway, I finally deleted that high school alarm I'd been too lazy to get rid of.
Was this also a change brought about by my new body? I felt strangely refreshed.
I headed straight for the convenience store.