The Weight of Secrets
Silvia’s sobs still echoed in my ears as I made my way back, each step heavier than the last. The guilt etched across my sister-in-law’s face lingered in my mind like a bruise.
The amnesty was real enough. I hadn’t lied about that. But it could only be used once I woke safely.
Please, let me wake without complications.
The burden of carrying this secret alone was far heavier than I had imagined. Perhaps it would cost more than any amount of gold. It might wound the people I loved forever.
Without realizing where my feet were taking me, I found myself standing before my own quarters. The door stood ajar.
“Is someone inside?”
Only members of the imperial family could enter my rooms in my absence. As expected, a familiar name followed.
“Archduke Hellion has arrived.”
Abigail’s expression was grim as she delivered the report. I slipped my hand into the hidden pocket of my dress and closed my fingers around the small glass vial. I was grateful I hadn’t left it on the desk.
Inside, Hellion rose from the chair the moment he sensed my presence. He crossed the room toward me.
“Ishtel.”
His eyes were rimmed with red.
“We’ve received word that the witnesses are in the Southern Archduchy. I’ve already sent Lavi and the northern knights. They’ll find them soon. So let’s go to His Majesty right now and ask him to cancel the ceremony, all right?”
On the day my marriage to Illid was announced, Hellion had gone straight to the Emperor’s chambers and knelt for three days and nights. The Emperor had ignored him and ordered the wedding preparations to continue as planned.
Hellion had even offered to relinquish his claim to the crown prince’s seat in exchange for Illid taking it—so long as he could have me. Esi had told me that his pleas had been so heartbreaking that every maid present had wept with him.
“Ishtel.”
Hellion’s voice was hoarse.
“Or… should we just run away together?”
“Run away? Don’t say that, Hellion. The moment we do, we become traitors.”
I tried to soothe him with a calm voice, but he refused to listen.
“Why not? We can take your brother and sister-in-law with us to the North. Lavi will find the witnesses in the meantime. Then everything will be solved. What’s the problem? I’ll take full responsibility.”
“Hellion, please!”
I yanked my arm free from his grasp, my voice rising.
“Running away won’t solve anything. And this isn’t something you can fix alone.”
“You’re the one trying to shoulder everything by yourself!”
“…What?”
I stared up at him, momentarily speechless. He drew a deep breath, visibly trying to rein in his emotions, then continued.
“I know you wouldn’t do this without a plan. If you’re not using the amnesty, you must have another solution just as strong, right?”
“……”
“Tell me what you’re thinking, Ishtel. I need to understand.”
“There is no other plan.”
I lowered my head and lied. Even the smallest hint about my deal with Malipa felt like it would unravel everything.
“Then use the amnesty!”
“No. I won’t do anything that stains our family’s name.”
“Is this really the time for pride?”
“It’s my choice to lose nothing.”
“You’ll lose me instead!”
Hellion’s voice cracked with reproach. I had no answer for that.
All I felt toward him was guilt. I couldn’t begin to imagine how miserable and cornered he must feel, standing here facing me.
“A letter from your mother will arrive from the Northern Archduchy soon. The Huerton Countess has testified about everything that happened in the Southern Archduchy, and we’ve gathered evidence to support it.”
Hellion gripped my hands tightly, pleading.
“Once His Majesty reads it, he’ll change his mind. No one can become crown prince after committing such grave crimes.”
The letter detailing every one of Voltero’s offenses. Would it truly sway the Emperor? He always hesitated at critical moments. This matter was far too important to trust his wavering heart alone.
I pulled my hands free. If the engagement were broken, Silvia would be sent straight to a public trial. I couldn’t allow that.
“I feel like I’m going insane, so why are you so calm?!”
Hellion finally lost control, his voice breaking into a raw cry.
“You said you loved me. You said you’d come to the North with me even if you couldn’t be crown princess. But now you won’t even try to solve this together? How can you just let go of my hand like this? How can you drive me this mad?”
I had nothing to say. I simply bowed my head in silence. My lack of response only made his voice tremble more desperately.
“Why do you get to decide everything about us? You apologized for taking the long way around, so how can you give up so easily?”
Hellion’s breathing grew ragged as he poured out everything he had been holding back. I listened in silence.
“What did you say to me by the river that day? Was it all a lie? If you were going to turn away so easily, you shouldn’t have said those words at all. You shouldn’t have given me hope!”
It was all my fault. My mistake. My greed.
If I used the amnesty, I wouldn’t have to put Hellion and my family through this torment. But I refused. I would rather die than admit to a crime I hadn’t committed or live dishonorably.
Silvia’s arrest and the premature birth of her child had left me with little time to tend to Hellion. Even while searching for witnesses with Yulian, he had come to see me whenever he could. I had never allowed those meetings to last long.
This was my family’s burden. I believed it was right to carry it alone. I couldn’t bear the thought of dragging Hellion into it and causing him harm.
My chilled hands ached as I clenched them into fists. The sharp edge of the vial hidden in my sleeve pressed against my fingertips, and belated regret washed over me.
I should tell Hellion.
That I had never let go of his hand. That this choice had been forced upon me to protect everyone. I needed to tell him before his heart broke further. But—
“Remember. You must never speak of this potion to anyone. It only works if even those closest to you are deceived.”
Malipa’s warning resurfaced. I closed my eyes and forced the words rising in my throat back down.
“I’m sorry, Hellion.”
Those were the only words I could offer. My heart felt ready to burst from keeping the full truth locked away.
“That’s not what I came here to hear!”
A tear slipped from Hellion’s blue eyes.
“I’m terrified. The way you’ve changed so suddenly scares me. I feel like there’s something I don’t know… and I can’t even begin to guess what it is.”
He buried his face against my shoulder, his voice shaking.
“If you’re hiding something, please tell me everything. I’ll listen. Just tell me why you made this choice.”
Hellion took my hand and pressed it to his chest. His heartbeat thundered wildly beneath my palm.
“I wish, even for a single moment, that you were me. Then you’d understand how much it hurts—like I’m dying. How hard it is just to breathe.”
“……”
“No… I don’t want you to be in pain. So I wish I were you instead. Then I could know exactly what you’re thinking. I could finally understand you.”
Hot tears welled in my own eyes at his words. They fell the moment I lowered my head. I could hide my tears, but not the trembling of my body.
Hellion held me in silence while I wept soundlessly, waiting until the sobs subsided.
“I have nothing to say.”
That was all I could manage once the shaking eased. I pushed him away and wiped my face.
“I want to be alone. Please leave.”
I pressed a hand to my spinning head and turned my back on him.
“I’m not giving up on you. Not ever.”
Hellion’s voice came from behind me.
“I won’t attend the wedding.”
“Good. Don’t come.”
There was nothing to gain from his presence there anyway. It would be better if we simply never saw each other.
“You’re truly cruel.”
With those final words, Hellion left. He was right. Anyone willing to wound everyone else just to keep a secret was cruel.
* * *
Once she confirmed the Emperor was deeply asleep, Karina lit the fireplace. The crackle of burning wood rose with flickering red flames.
Karina moved with feline caution to the Emperor’s desk and picked up the letter resting there. It bore the red seal of the Northern Archduchy. She leaned back in the imperial throne and broke the seal, reading the contents.
“Good heavens… such things really happen.”
The letter detailed the story of Illid’s deceased fiancée and Voltero’s atrocities in full. A faint smile crept across Karina’s face as she read.
“So this is why he asked me to bring him the northern letters.”
A few days earlier, Illid had visited her quarters, his face ashen, and begged her to keep the letter from the Northern Archduchy out of the Emperor’s sight. Now she understood why.
Lucky me. I’ve discovered Illid’s weakness. This could be useful after all.
One by one, Karina fed the pages into the fire. The elegant handwriting vanished into red light and turned to black ash. The letter that could have greatly influenced the crown prince’s succession disappeared without a trace.
I’ll use this weakness to shake Illid whenever I need to. It will help me secure the empress’s seat.
Before leaving the Emperor’s chambers, Karina straightened her reflection in the mirror.
The golden rose necklace. She had kept it after Ishtel failed to retrieve it on the day of the execution. It glimmered faintly beneath the dim moonlight.
In the end, I won. I am the victor.
Karina smiled broadly, her hand resting on the Regentera Rose Necklace.
Ishtel would marry a man she did not love, while Karina herself would become empress. She could hardly wait for the wedding day that would mark the beginning of Ishtel’s misery.