A Fragment of the Heart
I carefully smoothed over the bitter ache in my chest as I looked around the aviary.
Now that I thought about it, in a few days my sister-in-law Sylvia would be hosting a gathering of noble ladies in the imperial aviary. Even though it was only a simple tea party, since it was an event Sylvia was organizing, I had decided to tidy the space beforehand.
“May. In a few days, many guests will be visiting the aviary, so you must behave and only sing nicely that day. Don’t make too much noise or tease me, understand?”
“La~ la~ la~”
Excited at the thought of singing in front of people, May was already warming up her voice and showing off her singing ability.
The peacock strutted around the trees, displaying its beautiful form, while the small birds chirped in adorable voices in front of the feeder. Khan was nowhere to be seen—probably out hunting. Come to think of it, I didn’t see the ice eagle either.
“May, where’s Mewl?”
“Hellion! Hellion!”
“Hellion took Mewl with him?”
May flapped her white wings in a fuss. When I turned around, Hellion was entering the aviary with Mewl perched on his arm.
“Oh, Hellion. Did you go for a walk with Mewl?”
“Yeah. It’s the first time raising an ice eagle outside the North, so I was worried about how well he’d adapt.”
Spotting me and May, Mewl quickly flew over and landed on his perch. Though he had already grown larger than his own perch, May greeted him warmly.
The other birds, however, were terrified. The usually calm creatures scattered in panic the moment Mewl spread his blue wings and took flight, fleeing back into their cages. Even though he wasn’t fully grown, the small birds seemed overwhelmed by the unique aura that only birds of prey possessed.
The ice eagle had a distinctive blue glow and cold air that the other birds lacked. They were afraid of Mewl, yet Mewl himself, unaware that his presence inspired fear, would innocently approach them with bright eyes.
“Poor Mewl. He’s only trying to get close and make friends, but all the birds keep running away.”
Hellion murmured as he watched Mewl chase after the peacock.
“I thought the other birds would get along with the ice eagle. Guess that was just my wishful thinking.”
“Mewl is gentle because you raised him, May. The others are just awkward around a species they’ve never seen before. They’ll warm up to him with time.”
“You think so?”
“Yes. Let’s just wait and give it time.”
I turned my gaze away from Mewl and looked at Hellion.
“How have you been lately? I heard you’ve been very busy.”
“I was just on my way back after being hounded by my retainers. Now that Brother Illid has started attending meetings again, they keep nagging me that we need to prepare accordingly.”
“He has been unusually diligent these days.”
Just thinking about Illid made my mood sink again.
Since Illid had ended his reclusive life and begun actively vying for the position of crown prince, a shift had occurred between the retainers of the South and the North. Where they had once cautiously observed each other without openly showing their claws, the opposite was now true. The southern and northern retainers were secretly colluding with central nobles who supported them, expanding their factions.
Because the Regentera and Lilche families had not yet declared their political stances, the central nobles had been thrown into confusion for a while.
But once Illid began to move, the fire had reached their feet. Those who had yet to choose a side were in a difficult position, while those who had made up their minds were desperately trying to forge connections with the archdukes through their retainers.
“I knew the day would come when I’d have to stand against my brother. In fact, this is later than I expected. But I don’t think the current situation is very fair. It feels like I’m just a filler participant in a hunting competition where the winner has already been decided.”
“Hellion…”
“Don’t tell me it’s not true just to spare my feelings. I’m not blind—I can see what’s happening.”
A bitter smile tugged at Hellion’s lips. Unlike his usual confident demeanor, his smile now was not only bitter but self-mocking.
“It seems His Majesty has made up his mind to name Brother Illid as crown prince. Otherwise, there would be no reason for him to treat me so harshly.”
Knowing that denying it would be pointless, I remained quietly silent.
“If I were even a little weaker, I would have already left the palace. I don’t know when this board was first planned and arranged, but I have no desire to become a chess piece that moves at someone else’s will. Especially not in a game where my defeat is already decided.”
Hellion’s voice was remarkably calm as he spoke. Perhaps that was why he seemed more mature than usual.
“Ishtel, I didn’t come to the palace to become crown prince.”
“Then…?”
“I came here to meet you.”
His low voice seemed to echo in my ears, in my heart. For a moment my mind went blank, and the world felt as if it had stopped—every sensation grew distant.
“If you’re not going to be crown princess, then there’s no reason for me to become crown prince.”
My dulled senses slowly returned as Hellion continued speaking. His blue gaze held only me.
“I know. I know you like Brother Illid. I knew it, but I pretended I didn’t. I thought that if I kept doing that, someday you might look at me even a little. But… to you, I was always second place. To the crown prince. To Illid.”
“……”
“After meeting Illid, you would come see me out of some sense of obligation to be fair. Even so, I was happy. I was glad you came to see me at all, and being with you made me happy. But in the end… even after all this time, I still couldn’t claim even a single fragment of your heart.”
Tears began to well in Hellion’s trembling eyes and spilled over.
He had always been a child with fierce pride. How difficult must it have been for him to shed tears like this in front of me? The thought made my own eyes burn.
He had been discriminated against by his uncle the emperor without even knowing why. His brother, now turned enemy, kept pushing him toward the edge of a cliff.
After returning to the palace after more than ten years, in this unfamiliar place, I must have been the only person he could lean on—and yet I had failed to be that for him.
“I’m sorry, Hellion.”
Only after distancing myself from Illid could I finally look back at Hellion’s heart. Just as Illid had been first in my heart, I had always been first in his.
I had mourned the fact that Illid never looked at me, yet I had never even tried to face Hellion’s feelings.
“It was my fault. I’m sorry, Hellion.”
I reached out and wiped away the tears streaming down his face. He took my hand and pressed it to his cheek. As if my powerless hand were some kind of salvation, he held it there silently for a long time.
“Ishtel, do you remember the day we released the sky lanterns at the Kibir River?”
“Yes, I remember.”
“You asked me what wish I had made that day, didn’t you?”
When I nodded, he slowly opened his mouth again.
“When I was little, I went to the Kibir River with my mother. She told me that among all those countless people, the happiest ones were those who couldn’t think of a single wish. Because not having a wish meant their reality was already that happy.”
“……”
“That day, you couldn’t think of a wish either. You said that a wish is something that comes true later, when you finally have something you desire.”
“Yes, that’s what I said.”
“So I wished that on the day a wish was born in your heart, I could be by your side. If someone like you—who lacks nothing—were to have a wish, it would mean something had happened that you couldn’t solve alone.”
Hellion had given me the answer to why I had no wishes—an answer even I hadn’t known.
As he said, I had lived a happy life without any great lacks. I had never felt desperate enough to long for anything with all my heart. But if one day I had something to lose, that would surely be when a wish would be born in me.
“I wanted to be the person who could hold out a hand to you when you were struggling. That was the wish I couldn’t tell you that day. But I was afraid that even if that day came, you still wouldn’t look at me. That terrified me more than anything.”
He tightened his grip on my hand. The tremor and warmth transmitted through our joined hands let me feel all the emotions Hellion had never been able to voice until now.
“Am I still just the little child who was dragged away from the palace by his mother’s hand in your eyes? Have I not grown even an inch in your heart?”
“……”
“Not a single day has passed without me thinking of you. Even when I couldn’t see you, not a single day passed in my heart where you didn’t grow…”
“……”
“How much more do I need to grow? What exactly do I have to do? Tell me, Ishtel. Please…”
“No, Hellion. I—”
I wanted to comfort him, but the words wouldn’t come easily. Clumsy words would never be enough to console him.
Instead of answering, I gently stroked the back of the hand that held mine. His hand was much larger than I remembered from childhood. Only now did that fact strike me as new.
“I don’t want you to be fair. I don’t want the same chances anymore. Just as you are everything to me, I want to be the only one to you as well.”
Hellion slowly lowered the hand that had been holding mine. Then he bent his head and pressed his lips to my forehead.
“No matter how long it takes, it’s all right. I’m good at waiting. So, Ishtel. Don’t rush. Come to me slowly.”
Soon Hellion turned and left the aviary. Left alone, I stared blankly at his retreating back.
It would not be an easy fight. Hellion would have to change the emperor’s mind and confront the central nobles who stood with Illid. In a battle where he was disadvantaged in so many ways, it was hard to predict what cards he would play.
I looked down at the hand Hellion had been holding. It hadn’t been burned, yet the palm that had touched his cheek kept growing warm.
He loves me. Far more than I ever realized.
The sudden realization planted a strange new emotion deep inside my heart.
I couldn’t yet tell what that unfamiliar feeling would grow into. But the emotions he had conveyed to me today, and the warmth of the tears that had touched my hand, would not be easily forgotten.