It's Too Late
* * *
At Countess Tessela's request, I visited Illid again and again to see him. But each time, I was turned away at the door. The servant at Illid's residence wore a deeply troubled expression as he repeated that the Archduke had ordered no one be allowed inside.
He must be struggling too. His heart must be in pain, that's why he's acting like this.
I comforted myself that way and turned back every time, yet what returned was only a growing sense of doubt.
Doesn't he owe me some kind of explanation? How can he stay silent like this without saying a single word?
As my questions piled up, so did my feelings of hurt and disappointment.
Contrary to my hope that he would sort out his heart after some time, Illid remained completely out of contact.
In the end, I made up my mind that I had to meet him today, no matter what.
"Announce me."
With firm resolve, I stood before his residence. Once again, the servant answered in an awkward voice.
"Duchess of Wintera, His Grace the Archduke has ordered that no one—"
"There it is again. The same excuse."
I cut the servant off and shouted toward the inside of the residence.
"Your Grace, I know you're in there. If you won't open the door, I'll open it myself and come in."
There was still no answer from inside. I turned to the maids standing beside the door.
"Open the door."
"But, Your Grace—"
"Open it, I said!"
Startled by my sharp command, the maids eventually opened the doors from both sides. With a heavy heart, I stepped into Illid's room.
Even though it was still daytime, his room was as dark as night. Thick curtains had been drawn over every window. I walked to the nearest one and pulled the curtain aside. Only then did sunlight pour in, illuminating the darkened space.
Illid's room was in complete disarray, unlike before. The once spotless space was littered with empty liquor bottles, and pills spilled from a medicine bottle were scattered messily across the floor.
Even the ladder that usually leaned neatly against the bookshelf lay toppled with a broken leg. I turned my head this way and that, searching for Illid. He was lying motionless on the bed.
"Illid."
I approached the bed and sat beside him. He remained asleep, unaware that I had come. Seeing the wine glass and pills on the bedside table, it seemed he had drunk until he passed out.
His usually neat black hair was disheveled, and his nightshirt hung loosely off one shoulder.
"You've grown so thin since I last saw you."
I reached out and brushed the hair away from his eyes.
"No matter how vast the imperial palace is, we're under the same roof. How can it be this difficult to even catch a glimpse of your face?"
What kind of dream was he having? Even in sleep, he kept tossing and turning, groaning as if trapped in a nightmare.
Before coming here, I had been so angry at him for not seeking me out. But seeing him asleep like this stirred something strange in me.
"Didn't you think I would be worried?"
Perhaps hearing my voice, Illid's closed eyes trembled faintly before his eyelids slowly lifted. His blue eyes looked unfocused, dazed. He was looking at me, yet it felt as though he wasn't seeing me at all.
"Are you awake?"
At my question, Illid took the hand resting on his forehead and pressed it against his cheek. Then he gave a slow nod.
His hand holding mine was trembling. But there were too many things that had hurt me for me to comfort him. In the end, what came out of my mouth were painfully stiff words.
"Everyone is waiting for you. His Majesty the Emperor sees only your empty seat at every meeting, and now he doesn't even come to meals anymore."
"……."
"Because you aren't there, all the agenda items for the meetings keep getting delayed. Hellion's proposals have been completely put on hold without review."
"……."
"You should think of your vassals who came all the way to this distant capital just to follow you. They're very worried about you."
Illid simply stared at me without answering. After a moment, he muttered in a hoarse voice.
"None of that matters."
Illid slowly pushed himself up in bed. Looking at me with sorrowful eyes, he said,
"Why did you come only now?"
"Illid…?"
"How desperately I've wanted to see you. Why did you appear only now? Why!"
Illid suddenly pulled me into his arms. His embrace was so tight I could barely breathe. I tried to push him away, but the harder I struggled, the more fiercely he held me.
"I'm sorry. You… you must have hated me, right? Of course you did. You must have resented me so much. You must have hated me enough to want to kill me."
Illid's body shook as he struggled to contain the emotions surging through him.
"It's all my fault. But I couldn't help it. No matter what I said, it would have sounded like an excuse, and it would only have hurt you more…"
"……."
"Still, I should have told you everything. I shouldn't have turned away or avoided you… I should have listened properly to what you wanted to say…"
When the strength in Illid's arms loosened slightly, I pulled away from him. With his head bowed, tears fell from his cheeks one after another.
So he knew. He knew how much I had resented him.
Having lost a fiancé myself, I understood his grief. But I didn't want to see him tormented by the memory of his dead fiancée right in front of me. That was why I hadn't sought him out all this time.
I had missed him, worried about him, longed for him. But I believed that if I gave him time, he would pull himself together and come back to me.
Yet he hadn't. Because of that, I had resented him deeply. But seeing him now, weeping with regret, my heart ached.
"I love you, I love you, I love you."
Illid pulled me into his arms again. This time, he spun me around and laid me down on the bed. Climbing over me, he cupped my face with both hands.
His lips trailed from my forehead to my nose, then slowly pried their way between my own. It was far more aggressive and bold than any kiss before. He left countless kisses on my lips, my face, my neck, and my shoulders.
I wrapped my arms around him as well, pulling him closer, sinking deeper into his embrace.
"Illid, the one you love… it's me, isn't it?"
I wanted an answer. I wanted to find the answers to all the questions that had built up inside me through his kiss. I clung to him longer than usual. But the moment the kiss ended—
"I love you. I love you, Sierra."
What returned was not my name, but someone else's.
* * *
Even if it felt like the world was ending, that was only my emotion. Daily life continued on as usual.
After spending the entire night awake, I dragged my heavy body up and stood before the mirror. The moment yesterday's events resurfaced, my chest tightened and my stomach churned.
Illid, who had called me by another woman's name, had passed out again as if fainting, still under the influence of the medicine and alcohol. I left him on the bed and walked out of his residence. The walk back to my own room felt endlessly long and distant, like an eternity.
It felt as though everything inside me was crumbling to pieces.
I used to think that only fools turned away from uncomfortable truths. But now, all the truths surrounding me felt bitterly resentful and utterly despairing.
If only I could turn back time, I wouldn't have gone to that plaza that day. Even if my avoidance would bring greater regret and pain later, I wanted to forget every single memory now etched into me.
Your Grace, may I come in for a moment?
The door to my residence opened, and Abigail entered with a bright expression.
"Your Grace, His Grace Archduke Illid has come to see you."
Abigail must have thought I would be delighted, but I wasn't. I shook my head.
"Tell him to leave."
"Pardon? Your Grace, it is His Grace Archduke Illid."
Abigail repeated the words slowly and clearly, as if I might have misheard. My answer remained the same.
"I have no desire to meet him. Tell him to go back."
Sensing that my mood was far from ordinary, Abigail stepped outside. Soon, the sound of heated arguing could be heard from beyond the door. The next moment, with a loud bang, the door flew open and Illid burst in.
"Your Grace! You mustn't enter!"
Abigail and the maids who had followed her tried to stop him. In response, he shouted at the maids.
"Didn't I tell you all to get out!"
Startled by his fury, the maids looked at me with frightened faces. In any case, they had no power to drag him out by force. I gestured for them to withdraw, and soon only the two of us remained in the spacious room.
"Ishtel."
Though he looked more presentable than yesterday, it was obvious he had rushed here in a panic. He swept back his overgrown bangs and kept calling my name in confusion.
"Ishtel. Ishtel, I mean, I—"
"It seems you haven't forgotten my name after all."
At my sharp tone, Illid bit his lip and lowered his head. It appeared he remembered every mistake he had made yesterday.
"Ishtel, I was drunk and… under the influence of the medicine, I made a mistake. Please forget everything that happened yesterday. I'll explain it all. So—"
Illid approached me with unsteady steps. But I stepped back, rejecting him.
"Don't come any closer."
"Ishtel."
"Don't say my name!"
Only after I shouted sharply did he stop in place. His blue eyes trembled helplessly as they looked at me.
"Right now, I don't want to hear any words or excuses from you."
"But you have to listen. Only then can we clear up this misunderstanding."
"Misunderstanding? You call it a misunderstanding?"
His answer drew a hollow laugh from me.
"Your dead fiancée's mother mistook me for her daughter. And you called me by that woman's name. I'm confused too. I don't even know what this situation is anymore."
"That's exactly why you need to listen to me, Ishtel!"
"No. I won't listen to anything from you."
Barely holding back the tears welling up, I spoke in the calmest voice I could manage.
"Until yesterday, before that happened, you never came to find me. You offered no explanation at all. And now that you've made a mistake you can't take back, you come looking for me?"
"I'm sorry, Ishtel. I have nothing but apologies."
"No. It's too late now."
"Ishtel."
Illid stepped forward and grabbed my wrist. His hand, deathly pale, was ice cold.
"I'll look into the matter between you and the Whierton family myself. Until then, I have no intention of seeing you for a while."
I pulled his hand off my arm.
"Why don't you try waiting for me too. Endure that helpless stretch of time where no matter how much you call, not a single answer comes back. Only then will you understand how I felt while waiting for you."
With his head bowed, Illid remained silent for a long time.
A little later, Abigail brought Lavi to my residence. Only then did Illid leave with heavy steps.