Being Alive
“That would be for the best. We’ll take our leave then.”
In that brief moment, Illid and Hellion exchanged glances before rising from their seats. The two men looked at me with eyes heavy with concern, then left the imperial chamber.
The court physician also studied my expression before excusing himself to prepare the medicine. I leaned back in the small chair beside His Majesty’s bed and closed my eyes for a moment.
I’m so tired.
Even though it was early afternoon, my body felt as heavy as if dawn had only just broken. I had only meant to rest my eyes, yet I slipped into a shallow sleep before I knew it.
“Cough, cough.”
The sound of a dry, ragged cough pulled me awake. By the time I regained my senses, the sun was already sinking low. His Majesty, now conscious, was drinking the water left by his bedside.
“Are you awake, Your Majesty?”
I supported him as he tried to sit up and helped him lean back against the pillows. He pressed a hand to his dizzy head, then looked at me and spoke slowly.
“Am I dead?”
“Pardon?”
“I ask because I can see you.”
“What do you…?”
“You haven’t come to visit lately, so I assumed you only appeared when I was on the verge of death.”
“...You’re joking, aren’t you?”
“Half joke, half truth.”
Deep disappointment lingered in the Emperor’s eyes as he gazed at me. Yet I harbored my own resentment toward him, so I offered no apology.
“Where are Illid and Hellion?”
“They returned to the council chamber to conclude the meeting with the ministers.”
“I showed the boys an ugly sight.”
His Majesty swept back his white hair, now streaked with gray, and let out a sigh. Soon the court physician returned with the powdered medicine mixed in water.
“Perhaps it’s because it’s been so long… but this medicine is terribly bitter.”
Deep wrinkles carved across the Emperor’s brow as he swallowed it. The court physician, cold sweat dotting his forehead, glanced nervously between us before quietly withdrawing.
“Now then, Ishtel. May I ask you one thing from the bottom of my heart?”
“Please speak, Your Majesty.”
“...Do you truly not know where Karina is?”
“No. I do not.”
I denied it firmly. I managed to control my emotions this time, but I could not stop the complicated ache from rising in my chest.
“No matter how many times you ask, my answer will remain the same. I don’t know.”
His Majesty fell silent for a moment, lost in thought. Then he looked at me with exhausted eyes.
“When I collapsed this time, I didn’t really want to wake up. Somehow I felt that even if I did, that child wouldn’t be by my side.”
“......”
“While I was with her, I often thought, So this is what it feels like to be alive. I could smile at the smallest things. Listening to her stories about the world outside the palace brought me such joy.”
“......”
“It was a happiness I hadn’t felt in years. After Primos died, I lived like a dead man… but thanks to that child, I remembered what it was to feel alive. Her tone, her voice… every small gesture. The strength only she could give me keeps coming to mind…”
Then what was the meaning of all the years I spent by your side?
Every moment I devoted to you—does it amount to less than the brief time you shared with her?
When I shouldered every duty in the palace while you were ill, why did you never speak such words to me?
When I searched everywhere with the court physician for medicine to restore your health, why did you say nothing at all?
The countless words burning in my chest never reached my lips. My mouth grew parched while the corners of my eyes stayed damp.
“I hope Sir Lilche finds her soon.”
I barely steadied my voice.
“As you said, Your Majesty, she is the one who gives you joy I cannot provide.”
After choosing my words so carefully, that was all I could manage. I lowered my head, hiding my reddened eyes.
“Now that I’ve seen you awake, I will take my leave.”
After confirming his nod, I rose quickly. The moment I stepped through the golden doors of the imperial chamber, a wave of vertigo washed over me.
“My lady! Are you all right?”
Molly rushed to my side in alarm and caught me.
“I’m fine.”
Tears slipped from my tightly closed eyes.
No. That was a lie. I was not fine. There was no way I could be. The pain went beyond words; I couldn’t even describe it.
The Emperor’s words kept echoing in my buzzing ears.
Being alive. The power that only she possessed.
What was it, exactly? What was it that could hurt me so deeply now?
I opened my eyes. I slipped free of Molly’s supporting hand and took a step forward.
“My lady, where are you going? Your quarters are this way!”
My nanny’s loud, worried voice rang through the palace corridor.
The capital of the Tebron Empire, Seider.
Pleco Square, located in the eastern part of the city, was a unique space where nobles, commoners, and even the lowest classes mingled together.
To the southeast stood the grand mansions of the central nobility, to the west lay the villages of wealthy commoners, and to the north stretched a bleak slum.
That was why Pleco Square was the place I visited most often when conducting charity work. I could distribute food and daily necessities to the poor, and the nobles, seeing me, would bring money and grain from their own homes to share.
My outfit is far too noticeable.
I was startled anew when I caught my reflection in a clothing shop window. I had left the palace in such a hurry that I hadn’t brought anything to cover my face—no hat, no cloak.
I should have asked for something to wear when I left Eve with the post horse.
The excessively luxurious dress drew stares so intense it was almost burdensome. If I happened to meet an acquaintance, unnecessary rumors would surely spread. With no other choice, I turned toward the alley lined with street stalls.
“Welcome, pretty noble lady! Choose anything that catches your eye!”
I approached the cart where a small girl sat and picked up the plainest shawl. It covered my long golden hair down to my chest and draped over my shoulders and upper body, making me far less conspicuous.
“That shawl looks lovely on you, doesn’t it? It goes well with any outfit. The price is three yuren, miss.”
“Ah…”
The moment I heard the price, it hit me. I didn’t have a single coin. When I began to flounder in embarrassment, the girl’s eyes narrowed.
“Don’t tell me… you don’t have any money? After dressing so extravagantly…?”
“Of course I do.”
I spoke boldly, but no money appeared simply because I claimed it.
How could I have made such a mistake? I had never done anything like this when living at the ducal estate. After spending the last several years only within the palace, I had completely forgotten the concept of money.
Even so, I could not wander around the crowded square dressed like this. After agonizing over what to do, I finally slipped the silver ring from my finger.
“Little one, you’re very lucky today. This is an extremely valuable ring. I don’t know which jeweler you’ll visit, but never sell it for less than a thousand yuren. Understand?”
I held the ring out to her. I had imagined she would look shocked and delighted, but her expression remained utterly sullen.
“Hmm…?”
With her arms crossed, the girl continued to study me with narrowed eyes. Her gaze lingered for a long time on my face and the area around my neck.
“Why are you looking at me like that? Do you think it’s fake? It’s real silver. If you don’t believe me, go to a jeweler right now.”
I was wondering whether I should even bite it to prove its authenticity when the girl finally looked away.
“Just take it.”
“Huh…? Why…?”
“Just because. It looks like you need to go somewhere in secret, Duchess.”
Startled beyond words, I instinctively reached out and covered the girl’s mouth. Equally surprised, she stared up at me with wide eyes.
“You… How do you know who I am?”
“Mmph! Mmph!”
The girl tugged at my arm, struggling to be released. When I let go, she coughed violently.
“Cough. I’ve seen you distributing food to people in Pleco Square. You always came with maids, noble ladies, and servants, right?”
“How do you remember that?”
“I may be young, but I’ve lived on these streets a long time. I have sharp eyes and never forget a face I’ve seen once. Flowing golden hair, those distinctive silver-gray eyes. And that rose-patterned necklace you’re wearing right now.”
The girl lowered her gaze to my neck.
“That golden necklace is what convinced me. Every time you came for charity, I received grain from you, Duchess, and the memory came back in a flash. Don’t worry too much, though. I’m unusually observant. Most people will probably just think you’re a noble lady from the mansions in the southeast.”
I found myself staring at her in blank astonishment. I had assumed that if anyone in Pleco Square recognized me, it would be a noble. Yet here I was, unmasked by a little street vendor.
“You’re a clever child.”
Most of the maids who saw me every day would be unable to describe the pattern of my necklace if asked. Yet this girl had noticed such a small detail after only glimpsing me a few times in the square.
“What is your name?”
“Esi Lunda.”
The girl answered in a lively voice, her eyes sparkling.
“All right, Esi. As you guessed, I’ve sneaked out of the palace.”
“Why? What could be so important that the Duchess would wander around alone without any guards?”
“I’m secretly looking for someone.”
“Looking for someone?”
“Yes. You… said you’ve lived on these streets a long time, correct?”
“That’s right.”
“...Then do you happen to know a woman named Karina?”
I had come to Pleco Square to see Karina. Not to meet her, exactly.
I was simply curious. I wanted to confirm with my own eyes the power the Emperor had spoken of—the power that made him feel alive.
“Ah, Karina?”
Esi looked as if she knew something. I was about to press her for details when a loud cheer erupted from the center of the square.
“Over there.”
Esi pointed toward the sound.
“You’ll be able to see Karina if you go there. Hurry. Otherwise all the good spots will be taken.”