I Don't Want To

"I don't want to."

"Then starting today, we're officially dating... right?"

What the hell is this girl saying, acting like "starting today, we're officially dating" is the most natural thing in the world? Does she think that if any guy asks her out, she'll just automatically say yes?

"No. Why would I date you? I don't even like you."

"Uh... huh?"

"Sorry, but I already have someone I like. And it's not you."

"Uhh...?"

I turned away, leaving Seunghee blinking her swollen, red eyes.

"Mother. Let's head into the safehouse for now. It could get dangerous again."

"Oh? Ah, yes."

I wrapped an arm around Mother's shoulders and guided her toward the safehouse. She seemed flustered by how I'd handled things, glancing back at Seunghee ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠every few steps. Was it really that surprising? It felt like the only natural response to me.

"W-wait a second! Then what are we supposed to do about our oppa?!"

Seunghee came scampering after us just as we were about to enter the safehouse, demanding answers. Even replying felt like a waste of breath.

"You killed him. Figure it out yourself."

"M-me? I didn't kill him!"

Sure you didn't. I ignored Seunghee and stepped inside the safehouse with Mother.

"H-hey! Hey!"

Seunghee grabbed the hem of my shirt and refused to let go. I let out a deep sigh and turned to Mother.

"Mother, could you go in first? I'll talk to her for a bit and then come inside."

"Ah, okay."

I stepped back out and closed the door behind me. Seunghee was biting her lip hard enough to draw blood, trembling all over like she'd been horribly wronged. Then she started yelling at me with an angry expression.

"Hey! What do you mean I killed oppa? That's incredibly unpleasant, you know? Apologize right now!"

"Ah, sure."

To the girl glaring at me, I spelled it out one more time, crystal clear.

"Seungpil died because of you. You already know that, don't you?"

"What... what did you just say?"

Seunghee asked again, sounding utterly dumbfounded.

"I told you not to come out. Why did you anyway?"

Finally, Seunghee had nothing to say. She just stared at me with an expression that screamed she couldn't believe what she was hearing, as if asking who the hell had come outside in the first place. At least she had some shred of conscience. The injustice was all in her face; she didn't dare voice it out loud. That was something.

"Why do you think that man shot Seungpil? He could've just taken some food and left. Why risk his life fighting two young guys? Why kill Seungpil, try to kill me too, and end up dead himself? What could he possibly gain that was worth doing something so dangerous?"

Seunghee's face turned deathly pale. She was still shaking, but the reason had changed. It wasn't from anger anymore. She was trembling with fear.

It was a relief that she was smart enough to read the intent hidden behind my words.

"It's because of you, Han Seunghee. Because you came outside. Because you showed your face to that man. Because you didn't listen when I told you to stay inside. That man shot your brother. He was going to kill us and take you—a young woman—with him."

"I-I, I didn't mean to—"

"Out of curiosity or whatever, you probably just peeked outside without thinking. But your brother died because of it. If you hadn't stuck your face out there, Seungpil wouldn't have died."

My blunt words seemed to hit her like a shock. Seunghee could only open and close her mouth wordlessly. But I wasn't even halfway done with what I wanted to say. I had no intention of stopping now.

"To be honest, you're a huge liability. You're a walking disaster. Because of you, Seungpil died and I nearly died too. What if I had died back there? Not only you, but Mother—who was waiting quietly inside—would've been captured by that man and turned into a slave. Because of you, everyone here almost got wiped out. Do you understand?"

"Ah, s-sorry—"

"Don't apologize. I'm not saying this to hear an apology. I'll make it short. We'll live on our own from now on, so you live on your own too. Got it?"

"H-how am I supposed to..."

"Exactly. So live however you want. Find other survivors and leech off them, hunt for yourself, whatever. Just don't come near us. You're a hindrance. I don't want to die because of you."

"Th-then! Are you saying you're just going to keep doing those perverted things with your own mother?!"

"Yes. That's exactly what I'm going to do."

"Ha! Pervert!"

"Unlike you, we know ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠that even if people call us perverts, our family's lives are more important."

"I-I also..."

"Don't you get it? You're already too late. Your brother is already dead."

"Ugh... oppa is still..."

"That's why I told you to decide quickly. What's the point of saying anything after he's dead?"

"Y-you too! You're my brother's senior, aren't you supposed to help?! You have to save oppa!"

"I've already done more than enough. If I keep a walking bomb like you around just to save Seungpil, it's obvious that Mother and I will end up in danger too. Why would I take that kind of loss? And sorry to say this, but I'd rather do it with Mother than with you."

"Ah..."

"That's all I have to say. Take care."

I left the frozen Seunghee outside and went back into the safehouse alone.

-Thud. Clack.

I locked the iron door. It wasn't impossible to open, but at least Seunghee wouldn't be able to do it by herself.

She must not have thought I'd actually abandon her. Her panic was clear even through the iron door.

"Changjae."

Mother stood up as if she was about to open the door after hearing Seunghee's desperate voice. I stopped her.

"Mother, please wait a moment."

"But it's dangerous out there."

"It's fine. No matter how dangerous it is, she won't understand until she experiences some hardship herself."

"Still..."

"See? She's full of energy, isn't she?"

"Haha... I suppose so. Ah."

While talking with Mother in the dark safehouse, I couldn't hold back anymore and pulled her into my arms.

"I'm sorry, Mother. Just for a little while... let me stay like this."

It was hot. Mother's body temperature. The moment I held her, I realized my hands were still shaking. I could feel that I was still alive. It was a relief that I could hold Mother while still breathing.

Mother hugged me back, stroking me with a pitying touch. Her gentleness was so overwhelming that tears threatened to spill.

"It's okay. This isn't your fault, Changjae."

"Ugh..."

"Mom knows you did your best. No one else could've done better than you."

"Mother..."

"It's okay. Both Mom and you are safe, right? And since Seunghee is here, we can revive Seungpil soon too. Don't worry. Everything will be fine."

"...Yes."

"If there's anything Mom can help with, just tell me. Okay?"

I had been scared. Scared of dying myself. Scared of watching someone else die in front of me. But what terrified me most was the thought of Mother being left all alone after I died. The future where Mother would struggle to bring me back to life—that was the scariest thing of all.

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

"Mother. If I die... could you follow me and die too?"

Just hearing those words, it sounded like the most unfilial thing imaginable. But I had to say it. I never imagined Seungpil would die today, and there was no guarantee I wouldn't die tomorrow. If I died and Mother was left alone like Seunghee, and then I came back to life... I wouldn't be able to feel any joy at all.

"Yes. I will. Mom will follow you and die too. So don't worry, Changjae."

Mother was a liar. She usually showed her emotions so easily, yet at times like this, she lied so calmly.

"...I'm joking, Mother. I won't die. Never."

The only way to prevent that future was for me not to die.

"Mom would be happiest if you did that too."

Let's not die. For Mother's sake. For the sake of the me who thinks of Mother.

Let's not die.

"Mother, then today... could you go all the way with me?"

"Hm? Ah."

Mother quickly understood what I meant and her face flushed red. I knew it was a cowardly thing to ask. Bringing this up right after Seungpil had died. But I didn't want to die like him. To earn coins. For my family's safety. I gave Mother an excuse she could never run away from.

Yet without that kind of excuse, it was something I could never have said while in my right mind.

"If it's what Changjae wants... Mom is okay with it too. And actually... if you hadn't asked first, I was going to ask you myself."

"...Thank you."

It felt good. Honestly, it felt really good. That I could have this kind of relationship with Mother, even if it was under this kind of excuse. It was the only positive function ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠of this insane system.

"But... couldn't we let Seunghee in now?"

Mother spoke with a slightly worried tone. Even now, Seunghee was still banging on the door outside.

The same Seunghee who had been furious, resentful, and cursing at me earlier was now crying and begging for forgiveness.

"It looks like Seunghee has reflected a lot, hasn't she?"

Well... I wasn't sure if this wasn't just an act to get through the immediate crisis.

"...I suppose so."

But I hid my true feelings and nodded at Mother's words. Not for Seunghee, but for Mother. Because if she really died, Mother would be sad too.