Chapter 96: Change-3

"Na So-jeo! I am in love with you with all my heart! Since long ago, even since before I met you!"

I clenched my fist and blurted out the words with burning eyes.

My heart pounded wildly, as if going mad, at finally having spoken my true feelings.

Then, a moment later, I let out a deep sigh.

"Ah, will she think this is just too nonsensical? Should I leave out the part about it being since before I met her?"

Before going to find Na So-jeo, I had come to a secluded clearing and was agonizing over what words to use to confess to her.

"Then should I try it like this? Sojeo! In my eyes, you appear the most beautiful in the world! More than Miss Yeon! Far more than Lady Dang, even!"

But once I spoke the words, I shook my head back and forth again.

"Haah, no matter how much I adore Na So-jeo, isn't this just too much of a lie? Wouldn't it be better to say that her appearance isn't what's important? That I fell for Na So-jeo's kind heart?"

I had already thought up dozens of phrases and tried rehearsing them, but none of them pleased me at all.

Every single one felt too childish or excessive.

Then, I let out a heavy sigh and thought.

'Is this really something I ought to do?'

The confidence that had seemed to fill my body entirely when I achieved eighty years of internal energy drained away like air along with the dozens of confessions I had rehearsed in my imagination, leaving behind nothing but a bare skeleton.

It seemed internal energy and confidence were fundamentally different things after all.

No matter how much I thought about it, I simply could not imagine that Na So-jeo would accept my confession.

I couldn't even tell whether this confidence-lacking judgment was cold, sober self-reflection or simply a shrunken, pathetic timidity born from a complete absence of confidence.

Above all, I was terrified that if I confessed for nothing and failed, things might become awkward between Na So-jeo and me from then on.

I sighed yet again and muttered.

"Should I just not do it?"

It was a thoughtless remark I let slip.

But from the moment I spoke it, those words began to approach me as an overwhelming temptation.

Right.

If I did nothing, wouldn't nothing change?

Then I could go on with her exactly as I had up until now.

Gazing at her all by myself, just as I had until now.

Fretting all by myself, just as I had until now.

Without a single thing changing, just like that.

Yes, just as I had until now...

As I was having those thoughts, I realized at some point that I had sunk down onto the spot without even noticing.

And it was only upon recognizing that fact that I could finally understand what the real problem was.

I was trying to run away right now.

From an unpredictable, terrifying ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠future.

From a change that could destroy who I was now.

And this feeling was a profoundly familiar one to me.

I laughed hollowly and muttered.

"Ha, isn't this exactly the same as Seonwoo Jin from my past life?"

It was.

This was precisely the kind of thought the me from my past life would have had.

The cowardly pig Seonwoo Jin, who gave up on moving because he was afraid of an unpredictable outcome.

"Huuuuuuh."

I took a deep breath.

At last, my head felt like it was clearing.

Perhaps whether my confession succeeded or failed wasn't actually what was important.

What truly mattered was whether I could make the confession at all.

Whether I could stand before her with dignity.

Believing in myself, and facing fear with dignity on my own two feet.

That was what I truly needed.

If I couldn't do that, then it wouldn't matter whether I stayed in the 7th Squad or went to another squad.

Because no matter where I was, I would forever have no choice but to watch from behind, just as I did now.

I sprang to my feet from that spot.

And I began to walk.

In the direction where Na So-jeo would be.

It was fine even if it wasn't a confession.

In this moment, I wanted to stand before Na So-jeo with dignity, to look her squarely in the eyes and speak to her properly.

I didn't want to simply let this clarity that I had barely managed to grasp slip away.

Walking while thinking those thoughts, before long I had arrived in front of the 7th Squad's women's quarters.

"Huuuuuuh."

I took a deep breath.

Realizing my problem did not mean the fear had completely vanished.

Even now, I was still afraid and wanted to stop and sink down onto that spot.

But despite that, I could now move.

No, I had to.

I carefully knocked on the door of the quarters.

Knock knock knock!

Then, Cheon Ju-eun So-jeo's voice came from inside.

"Yes! Who is it?!"

I swallowed hard.

And shutting my eyes tightly, I spoke.

"It's Seonwoo Jin. By any chance, is Na So-jeo inside?"

I said it.

I had said it.

I had asked for her to come out.

My heart was pounding like mad.

Then the door opened at once.

Creeeak!

For a moment, I felt my heart might stop.

"Seonu Gongja?"

But whether fortunately or unfortunately, the one who opened the door was not Na So-jeo.

Inside the door, Cheon So-jeo was looking at me with her cute eyes wide and round.

"Seo-yu eonni went to headquarters just now. It seems some message arrived from her clan."

"Ah, i-is that so?"

The fact that Na So-jeo was not inside suddenly drained all my strength.

Along with deep regret, a thought of relief also surfaced from a corner of my heart.

At that moment, Cheon Ju-eun So-jeo opened the door to the quarters wide and said.

"You can come in though. Would you like to wait inside for a bit?"

I smiled hastily and shook my head.

"Ah, no. I'll just go to headquarters myself."

Then I began moving my steps toward headquarters.

I was afraid, but I couldn't give up here.

Because I felt that if I missed this chance now, I couldn't be sure when I might be able to muster my courage again.

I absolutely had to talk with her today.

And on the other hand, meeting her outside rather than in front of the quarters seemed like it might be better.

At least there wouldn't be any other eyes on us, would there?

I was walking toward headquarters thinking that, when it happened.

Suddenly, I saw someone running quickly this way.

The woman most deeply etched into my mind from my past life until now—it was Na So-jeo.

Gulp.

My feet stopped without my knowing.

All the resolve I'd had earlier had suddenly vanished somewhere, and my head seemed to have gone completely blank.

I hadn't prepared my heart yet, and she was approaching far too quickly.

She was running over and calling my name.

"Seonu Gongja!"

Reflexively assuming a posture of attention, I answered.

"Ye-yes!"

And she stopped in front of me.

A state with no one else around.

Here, there was only her and me, just the two of us.

So I had to speak now.

"N-Na So-jeo!"

I forced my mouth, which seemed to have suddenly broken down, to move, desperately pushing my voice out.

And I tried to get the next words out.

But.

"Seonu Gongja! I think I need to return to my clan quickly!"

"So I, that is, wh-what? You're going to your clan?"

At the belatedly comprehended meaning, I suddenly looked at her face.

Only then did her expression register in my eyes.

I had been too out of my mind to notice until now, but Na So-jeo had an extremely urgent expression right now.

She even seemed to have tears welling up.

She poured out words with a desperate face as if she was about to burst into tears.

"They say my father is very ill! There was nothing like that in his last letter, so what on earth could have happened so suddenly.... So I received leave. I got one month for now, but I think I'll have to go and see exactly how long it will end up being. The squad leader isn't here right now, so I know it's not right for me to vacate my post as well. Ah, I really shouldn't.... What am I to do about this?"

Seeing her rambling like that, my head finally began to return to normal.

And I realized what I had to do now.

First, I calmed her down.

"Na So-jeo, it's okay. You can go and come back without any worries. The search the squad leader went on won't take that long, and even if it does, I'll take care of everything else myself."

"...Seonu Gongja."

I looked at her, who finally seemed a little calmer, and smiled gently ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠as I spoke.

"Trust me, Na So-jeo. I may not look it, but I'm the talent being ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠sought after here and there to serve as squad leader and vice squad leader, am I not? Nothing will go wrong. I'll convey the message well to the other members, so don't fret and please go see your father quickly."

Then, as though she had finally calmed down a little, she wiped her welling tears and spoke.

"I'm really grateful. I'll just pack my things and go right away."

"Yes, take care and come back safely. Look after your father well, and return when he's recovered."

Lady Na immediately dashed toward the lodgings.

She looked incredibly desperate.

I thought as I watched her retreating figure.

That it couldn't be helped for Lee Geon.

That it might be heaven's will, saying the time had not yet come.

***

"Haa, haa, god, I'm dying. Looks like the squad leader isn't coming back today either, huh?"

Bi Sa-yeong, who had been sparring with me and gotten beaten to a pulp, asked out of the blue as he lay sprawled flat on the ground.

I chuckled and answered.

"Well, it's only been two days."

After panting for a moment, the guy asked again.

"So Lady Na's coming back in a month?"

"She got leave for that long, but it'll depend on her father's condition, right? Why? You keep sparring against me, so are you starting to miss the squad leader and Lady Na?"

The guy flinched, as if I'd hit a nerve, and then answered with a dry cough.

"Ahem, well, it's not exactly because of that. I just thought it'd be better to spar against a variety of people."

That guy Bi Sa-yeong had been pouring his passion into training ever since returning to the frontlines.

He genuinely seemed to want to catch up to Brother Hwa Yeong-bin.

So I'd been taking him seriously and matching his fervor, but seeing him miss other people like this, he probably found it a bit hard to endure.

While lying there blankly, he suddenly asked again.

"Anyway, can we use up to a month of leave now?"

"Ah, it seems the Sword Saint Elder changed things for us. Regular leave can now be taken for up to three weeks, and major family events up to a month."

The guy admired that, but also felt a bit regretful.

"Wow, if our leave hadn't already passed, we could've used three weeks too. That's a shame."

"What's there to be ashamed about? Don't you remember that the Fifth Squad, who were originally supposed to have leave this time, kept not being able to go because of our dispatch, and then things turned out that way because of Cheol-gwi this time?"

"Hmm, is that so?"

Cheongyeon's father, the Sword Saint Elder, had changed many things on the frontline during the month we were gone.

And among them was the matter of leave.

Leave that was originally one week had become usable for up to a month.

Since we'd taken leave in place of the Fourth Squad thanks to Ma Yu-gyeom's concession, our week-long trip was the end of it, but starting with the Fifth Squad, who were next in line after us, they could now take three weeks of leave.

But the Fifth Squad had lost too many members in the Cheol-gwi incident, and their squad leader, Dok Su-gwang, was out searching for Cheol-gwi, so their leave had been postponed again.

Suddenly, the face of Fifth Squad Leader Dok Su-gwang, who had always looked at me with disapproval, came to mind.

I didn't particularly like him either, yet somehow I felt sympathy for him.

It was because I felt I understood that his actions toward our Seolpung Squad Leader were an expression of an inferiority complex.

Aside from that, in his own way, he was a squad leader trusted by his squad members.

I suddenly had this thought.

'It had only been two days. I wondered if he was getting along with Seolpung Squad Leader during this search.'

Two days had already passed since the squad leaders of the Thirteen Squads had departed to search for Cheol-gwi.

And that meant it had also been that long since Lady Na had hurriedly returned to her family home.

Nothing particularly special had happened in the meantime.

Even without the squad leaders, we were maintaining our daily routine on the frontline, training and patrolling as usual.

However, there was one thing that nagged at my mind slightly.

And that was....

I suddenly looked at Bae Jong-gwan and Miss Cheon Ju-eun, who were sparring right next to us.

Both of them had grown a lot since the last dispatch.

The problem was that the members of our squad currently training numbered only these four.

Bi Sa-yeong remarked as if in passing.

"Looks like Lady Hae isn't coming out again today either."

"Mm, it seems so."

The thing nagging at my mind was precisely about Cheongyeon.

Because her condition had been utterly strange.

These days, whether on patrol or in ordinary times, she was always lost in thought and hardly ever spoke.

Whatever I asked, her answers were always curt.

She didn't even try to participate in training, to the extent that Miss Cheon Ju-eun had voiced her worries to me.

I thought for a moment and then murmured.

"I suppose I'll have to go and talk to her, won't I?"

It seemed I'd have to set aside some time and speak with her.

Since I'd entered the frontline alongside her, and I was also the one who'd known her the longest.

Bi Sa-yeong stared at me blankly, then snorted a laugh and said.

"You seem a bit overflowing with confidence lately?"

Puzzled by his sudden remark, I asked with a questioning look.

"Huh? Me?"

"Yeah. You used to be really uncomfortable with that, right? Reaching out to people first. You'd be insanely ruthless if you thought someone was an enemy, but with people close to you, you always handled them like fragile glass, super carefully. In the past, even if you were close with Cheongyeon, I don't think you would've considered approaching her first to talk about her problems."

'Was I like that?' This thought suddenly crossed my mind.

And I immediately acknowledged it.

It seemed what he said was right.

I had always been terribly afraid of emotionally clashing with the people close to me, even by chance.

In the Seonwoo clan, I feared clashing with family, siblings, and friends. On the frontline, I feared clashing with my squad members.

Because I was afraid that my already few people might distance themselves from me again.

So I'd always failed to approach first, always anxious and hesitant.

'That was why, in my past life too, I chose to become a fool rather than fight with my brothers.'

I'd thought I'd changed a lot in this life, but perhaps my attitude toward people hadn't really differed much from my past life.

It was probably because I lost my mother when I was young, and after that, all I'd seen were people distancing themselves from me.

Whether in the Seonwoo clan or on the frontline, my past life was nothing but a life of losing people.

So I was always anxious, afraid I might lose the people now beside me again.

'And yet....'

If there was one part that had changed even a little, it was probably because I'd set my heart on confessing to Lady Na.

I hadn't actually confessed, but perhaps my resolve to face the fear inside me had influenced my actions?

That thought occurred to me.

I snorted a laugh and asked Bi Sa-yeong.

"Why? Do I seem too cocky?"

At that, the guy shook his head with a rare serious expression and said.

"No, you finally seem kind of okay. Should I say it's like you've shed a shell? It was a bit much, seeing a bastard so superior he'd have nothing in the world to envy, always out-of-place anxious and walking on eggshells around others. 'Ah, this bastard, he must've lived a life thirsting for people. Even though I grew up that starved and hard, I was always loved by my martial siblings, but I guess this bastard didn't even have that.' Something like that, I used to think."

"......."

It was the first time I'd heard anything like that.

A story about me that a friend was telling me for the first time.

Those words tore through my heart like a dagger, stabbing deep, but at the same time, it felt refreshing.

The guy continued speaking.

"You can afford to be a bit arrogant. You're a pretty damn superior bastard. You've got a handsome face. Your martial arts are high. Even your head is good. If a guy like you had such a lack of confidence in himself, wouldn't I, who's got nothing but baseless confidence, be a bit embarrassed? And... you're not alone anymore, right? There are so many friends now who like you and cheer you on."

Suddenly, something surged up from inside me.

Because his words, saying I wasn't alone anymore, and the sincere look in his eyes as he said them, felt so incredibly warm that I absolutely couldn't open my mouth.

As I stood there blankly staring at Bi Sa-yeong, the guy scratched his head as if embarrassed, then got up.

"Ah, good rest. Shall we go back to training? Hey, Jong-gwan! Miss Cheon! How about you two take me on together!"

Even after the guy ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠fled the scene, looking like he'd die of embarrassment, I just stood there frozen for a while longer.

I wanted to hold onto this warmth a little longer.

I suddenly thought.

That I was truly glad I came back.

That I was so, so glad I could return and save my friends.