Hallucinations
After their conversation ended, Cheongwol made her way back to the room with a complicated knot in her heart.
She had sensed that something was wrong between the two siblings, but she had never imagined it was this serious.
As the things she had heard kept surfacing unbidden, she let out a quiet sigh—and before she knew it, her steps had already brought her to the door.
What face was she supposed to make if Ak Seo-ah was awake?
Before she could finish worrying over it, she pushed open the door and met her eyes. Seo-ah was awake, her eyes red and swollen as she looked around in a daze.
"...Seo-ah."
At the sound of her name, Ak Seo-ah’s face finally brightened, if only a little.
"Where were you? I feared you might have left and abandoned this lowly one."
Even in a situation like this, seeing her forcing a smile made Cheongwol’s chest ache.
"I told you I wouldn’t leave you alone. More importantly, are you feeling better now?"
She approached the bedside and sat down carefully as she asked. Ak Seo-ah answered with a slow nod.
"I have shown you an embarrassing sight. I am well now."
As she smiled awkwardly, Cheongwol laid her hand gently over Seo-ah’s.
"I heard everything from your uncle. You don’t have to pretend you’re fine."
"...You heard everything?"
"Everything. Even why things between the two of you came to this from when you were children."
"Ah..."
She had been the one to beg Cheongwol to accompany her all the way to the Ak family.
She had also been the one to speak first and confess that she was being mistreated by her younger brother.
And yet, now that everything had been laid bare, why did such pain rise up within her?
Fear slowly tightened around her heart—fear over how Cheongwol, after hearing her uncle’s words, would look at her.
Would her friend know that she was still trapped in such pathetic thoughts even now?
If only she had never asked her in the first place, she wouldn’t have had to feel this way.
"...This one truly is hopeless."
As the careless words she had blurted out made her regret tremble her lips, Cheongwol reached out and drew her into an embrace.
"It’s all right. None of this is your fault. It’s all because of the Sogaju. You must have had an unbearably hard time all on your own. You did well."
"Cheongwol, young lady..."
She had been about to slowly pat Seo-ah’s back to soothe her trembling body, when unexpected words slipped from her mouth.
"Thank you for saying that. But please do not think everything is Ji-ho’s fault."
"...What?"
Cheongwol pulled back slightly, giving her a look that seemed to ask what on earth she meant, but Ak Seo-ah merely smiled faintly and clutched at her collar.
"I mean that I too bear fault in how things came to this. So..."
Unable to bear hearing the rest, Cheongwol shook off her hand and rose abruptly to her feet.
"How is that your fault? Just because the young clan leader cherishes you, that does not justify hurling abuse and laying hands on you. So never say something like that again."
Her voice had come out sharp, almost angry, but it was no use.
"Of course, I too believe that to be wrong. If one takes up force merely because words no longer suffice, then such a person cannot be called a righteous martial artist."
"Stop it."
"It is only natural that Cheongwol, young lady, would be angered. I, too, would not say this if Ji-ho had done the same to another person. But this is a matter between family..."
"Seo-ah!"
For the first time since coming out into the Central Plains—no, perhaps for the first time in her life—Cheongwol could no longer suppress the emotions surging in her chest and raised her voice.
But only for a moment.
When she gathered herself and looked up, she saw Ak Seo-ah staring back at her with wide eyes, as startled as she was.
What more could she possibly say in a situation like this?
"...I’m sorry."
Cheongwol fled through the door like someone escaping, avoiding Seo-ah’s outstretched hand.
---
Late at night, deep in the mountains, darkness had settled thickly over everything.
From a deserted clearing came a sound like air being torn apart.
-Thwack!
It was only a single punch hurled into the empty air, yet the force hidden in the cracking blast needed no explanation.
"Hoo..."
A moment later, as the clouds that had been veiling the moon drifted away, the shadow that had been flailing its arms like a madwoman and unleashing martial arts finally came to a halt.
Bathed in moonlight, the figure revealed herself to be none other than Cheongwol, her face still stiff with unresolved anger.
But this is a matter between family...
She had only just tried to steady her breathing, but Seo-ah’s words rose again in her mind, and Cheongwol bit down hard on her lip.
What was this thing called family, that it should make one stand up for someone like that?
However kindly one dressed it up—saying he cherished his older sister—it was nothing more than obsession that had gone too far, wasn’t it?
He was afraid she would be harmed by the world, so he wanted to lock her away in his arms?
That makes no sense. If he cherishes her that much, then why lay a hand on her? Is he afraid of her dying, but fine with her suffering?
She lifted her head and looked at the moon, the cool night air seeming to drain away the heat that had been blazing in her skull.
And once her mind had gone cold, the thoughts she should never have allowed herself to think turned into knives that stabbed at her chest.
—I don’t know how you think you can understand it, when you’ve got no family at all.
—You don’t understand siblings striking each other? Then what was it when you were beaten by your grandfather?
—This one will never understand it in his life. He’s never once been like them.
—Who can you blame for that? You can say the past can’t be helped, but he was the one who threw away the chance to become that way.
Again...!
Ever since she had learned the Sunflower Manual, those taunting hallucinations had sometimes come to her, sharp and clear.
-Thunk!
As the voices rang again in her ears, Cheongwol stamped down lightly to disperse her qi.
"..."
According to So Gayul, they were hallucinations born from the strain of a spirit crushed beneath too much pressure.
She had added that once her realm advanced, Cheongwol would naturally learn to control them.
But on nights like this, when her heart was in turmoil, the hallucinations only became more vivid.
At first they had been nothing more than faint laughter, but soon they had become words, then sentences.
Now, they had reached the point where several voices would speak to her all at once.
Though it was rare, and usually vanished once she calmed her qi a little, there was no telling how deep these hallucinations might grow.
Still, there was no point agonizing over something she had no answer for right now.
Cheongwol brushed away her cluttered thoughts and quietly lay down.
“I will never understand it in my life...”
Not the fact that Ak Jiho had done such a thing while claiming to care for his older sister.
Not the fact that Ak Seo-ah had defended that younger brother of hers.
And not even Ma Tae-sang’s behavior, watching over the two siblings and doing nothing more.
Was all of it truly something that could be forgiven with a single word—family?
Others might answer that question easily, yes or no, but not Cheongwol.
Just like the words that had echoed in her ears, she had never once been like them.
Thinking that way, she felt a strange bitterness well up in her chest.
Of course, she had had a grandfather too.
But because he had been burdened with revenge, he had never been ordinary.
Cheongwol still could not forget the look in her grandfather’s eyes as he shoved her into icy water and pressed her head under the surface.
...Hah... Grandfather...!
When she had been choking and thrashing desperately, she had glimpsed that cold stare above the water.
She had run a fever for days because of it.
The harsh palm that struck down on even the smallest mistake, the cold, distant gaze that held no trace of affection.
At moments like those, it had almost seemed as though her grandfather did not regard her as family at all.
And yet, thankfully, the year she turned ten, he had held her in his arms with such warmth it was as if he had become a different man.
...In the end, I wasn’t any different from Seo-ah either.
Her grandfather, who had inflicted near-abuse under the excuse of teaching her martial arts.
And yet she, whose painful memories had faded until all she longed for was the memory of his kindness.
If Seo-ah had spoken ill of her grandfather to her, would she truly have just sat there and listened?
She would probably have defended him stubbornly, claiming that after the clan’s destruction he had simply lost his mind.
As that thought flickered through her head, a bitter smile spread across Cheongwol’s lips.
Understand it, my foot. I know it all too well.
Cheongwol raised a hand and reached toward the moon.
It seemed close enough to grasp at any moment.
And yet even if she reached for it for the rest of her life, she would never touch it.
That was why she wanted it more, and why she coveted it more.
It was something others enjoyed so easily, so why was she the only one who had to be content with looking on?
...It can’t be helped. I let it go myself.
Realizing that the hallucinations had not been wrong, she felt her heart sink once more.
So Gayul, Unhak, and even Ak Seo-ah.
They were all people no different from family to her, but to them, she would not be the same.
They had real families, unlike her.
Of course, their feelings of cherishing one another were the same, but the depth of that feeling must be different.
The affection I want cannot be reached by affection alone. There is a bond that belongs only to those who share blood...
Her body went limp with a terrible hollowness, and her eyes closed of their own accord.
As she sank deeper and deeper into the darkness, a single voice suddenly brushed past her.
Out of everyone, I’m the best, then. Well, in the end, I’m still first.
Of all times for it to happen, the face of the person she missed next after her grandfather rose before her in this lonely, bitter moment.
Thinking back on it, he had not been someone who stayed by her side as closely as So Gayul, Unhak, or Ak Seo-ah.
And yet, that man had sent her letters without fail for two whole years.
Just what had been in his heart, that he could keep it up without ever seeming to tire?
With Seomun Hwi’s face filling her mind, Cheongwol looked up at the moon with eyes full of longing.
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