Chapter 349
Chapter 349
‘So… Yu-jin is actually appearing on this?’
Hannah Hamilton, who had attended the same middle school as Cha Yu-jin, sat on her couch in front of the TV late at night for the first time in a long while.
She was using the fact that she knew Cha Yu-jin back in high school as an excuse to watch the program.
‘Anyway, we did meet once a few years ago.’
It was on that TV show where they sold hotteok, a Korean fusion snack.
—Um… have we met before? Middle school? Elementary school?
—Ah… I’m Hannah Hamilton. I was in your class in middle school.
—Oh~ Hannah! Good to see you. How have you been?
He still had that aura typical of the "popular crowd," yet surprisingly, Cha Yu-jin had made a career out of the K-pop subculture.
After recognizing his group (she now knew they were called a "group," not a "band"!) back then, she had looked up their activities a few times.
She felt a strange sense of kinship knowing that such a brilliant boy her age had fallen into a subculture just like she had.
And despite being horrified by several cultural differences, she had followed them this far.
‘A straight man in his twenties with pink hair.’
‘…Cha Yu-jin does stuff like this, too? Anime Magic Girl?’
‘They’re actually a really good team that cares about each other….’
She had become so emotionally invested that she was now watching the live broadcast of their American variety show appearance.
[MESS ~ MEEEESSS~]
Playful, primary-colored subtitles scrolled across the screen. Hannah watched with a skeptical expression.
‘This show is funny, but I don’t know why you’re appearing on it.’
—TeSTAR shouldn't be on this!
—This is just sadistic, toxic trash. It’s no different from a third-rate reality show that torments people who just want to get their names out there.
K-pop fans were screaming on her feed. Honestly, she agreed to some extent.
[Today’s challenger… Challenge! Can you last 30 minutes inside a red coffin in a pitch-black abandoned house filled with strange noises?]
[That’s not all! The moment you become a coward, adorable unicorn dolls will come pouring down! You’re a loser!]
The show was riddled with mockery and ridicule disguised as "challenges."
Since it was structured as a self-inflicted trap—mocking those who arrogantly claimed "of course I can do it" before failing—it managed to sneakily bypass ethical scrutiny.
[Boo! Total trash!]
[Didn’t you just blink like you were terrified? That’s right. You failed. You loser!]
Sometimes, there weren't even clear criteria for the penalties. The production crew and the MC simply dropped the punishment whenever they thought it would be funniest.
Occasionally, even the MC himself got hit.
That was why it was genuinely hilarious.
It was so funny that even for Hannah, who usually only watched clips on WeTube, the sound of the MC’s cackling was vividly etched in her mind.
‘That’s why it’s been running for so long.’
Regardless, it wasn't a suitable place for anyone trying to maintain an image of dignity and class.
Because of this, TeSTAR’s American fans had voiced their complaints, and the production crew had subtly mocked them in return.
—Actually, their company was the "first" to say they wanted to appear? (Rolling eyes emoji)
Later, even the MC joined in.
—Fresh and kind Asian boys… good luck. (Sunglasses emoji)
It was a mess.
‘They almost got into a literal fight.’
The stubborn, conservative, and somewhat crude MC had engaged in a heated psychological war with the K-pop fandom.
But the scary part was that once filming actually started, all comments from the production side completely stopped.
‘Maybe TeSTAR did okay. Or….’
…Or they failed so miserably it was tragic.
To the point where even that MC felt they had crossed the line and shut his mouth.
“Mmm.”
Hannah swallowed hard and looked back at the TV.
A contestant was shown sprinting away, nearly losing their pants, covered in rainbow glitter and hanging unicorns after jumping out of a coffin.
[Loser~~]
[Actor Antonio Soltre is a cute, cowardly pony—or maybe a teddy bear!]
TeSTAR shouldn't have to go through something that pathetic.
Fortunately, the segment TeSTAR was appearing in was one where singers usually participated.
[Next up… My Very Own Street Karaoke!]
It was the "Street Karaoke" challenge.
[Various masterpieces carefully selected by the crew will be played, arranged in all sorts of different versions!]
[Will our artist challengers be able to show off these classics properly?]
At first glance, one might think it looked more professional than the absurd challenges from before, but…
That was a delusion.
As they would soon realize, these "arrangements" were nothing but ridiculous pranks.
Furthermore, everything was improvised, and whether a performance was "successful" was entirely up to the production crew’s whims.
‘Ugh.’
Since the participants were professional singers, it was funnier for the viewers and more horrifying for the victims.
And this time, the penalty was brutal.
[Today’s penalty is… the Gourmet Cannon!]
[We’ve carefully prepared food only from the hottest restaurants on social media! This isn't even a penalty, right?]
Thwack!
“Ugh!”
She watched as a pulverized hamburger shot out like a bomb and slammed into a dazed contestant's face.
She felt ashamed that she almost laughed.
‘That’s… that’s genuinely humiliating!’
Isn't that the kind of thing you see when someone is being bullied at school?
However, the segment had already begun on a cheerful note.
[First song—‘Counting ma green’!]
It was supposed to be an intense, dark hip-hop track.
Instead, it played as a theme park march with exaggerated, unintelligible pronunciation.
[Ohohoho! Isn't it bright and lovely~]
[Na-na-na-na-na-nan, na-na-nan-na-na-nan~]
Thwack.
Thwack.
Thwack-thwack-thwack.
People were getting hit in the face by the cannon in time with the cheerful trumpet beats.
It was a spectacle.
“Pfft!”
There were those who stood blankly until the interlude passed and got hit, and those who tried to jump in for a verse but failed because the rhythm was off.
There were even those who sang a few lines perfectly and were filled with hope, only to get blasted in the face with food anyway.
[Contestant: What the f—]
Thwack!
[Your gestures are lame!]
“Pffft-hahaha!”
She clenched her teeth to hold back her laughter. It was a primal kind of funny that was impossible to resist.
“Oh please! Ack!”
The problem was that even after two or three songs had passed, TeSTAR was nowhere to be seen.
If they had appeared for even a second, she definitely would have recognized them. How could she miss a vivid scene of them getting blasted by a food cannon?
‘Wait… were they edited out?’
Fortunately or unfortunately, that wasn't the case.
TeSTAR finally appeared after ten minutes and a commercial break.
Seven young men were standing on the street like the other contestants.
The spotlight hit them slightly.
[That’s right. We’re giving them special treatment because they’re the cast of Cosmic Gunner. I’m close with the director, you know? Right?]
Along with the MC’s insane narration, the first song—the bright march—started playing again.
“Ah….”
So now they were going to show TeSTAR getting spectacularly hit with food.
Just as Hannah curled up and watched the TV with that thought, Cha Yu-jin, who had been looking at the fixed microphone with a blunt expression and his hands in his jacket pockets, suddenly grinned.
Then, he immediately jumped into the intro of the march.
[TeSTAR: NANA, NANA, NANANNNNNA!]
“Oh.”
TeSTAR began to march in time with the beat. It was a step reminiscent of a parade choreography.
Then, naturally checking the lyrics displayed under the camera, they sang along.
Their faces wore the bright "capitalist smiles" typical of theme park employees.
[TeSTAR: The taste of money~ I can't resist, I’ll take it all~]
The lyrics about craving money, sung with refreshing smiles over a theme park accompaniment, were hilariously well-matched.
“Hahaha!”
And by performing plausible parade gestures one by one, they successfully survived the first verse as they took turns!
[Yeah~ whatever. Lucky punks.]
The sound of the audience roaring with laughter was inserted behind the MC’s dejected voice after he failed to deliver the penalty. It made it even funnier.
But TeSTAR’s screen time didn't end there.
[Next song!]
Next was a smooth, trendy R&B band song…
Which had been turned into high-pitched heavy metal.
“Ugh.”
How many people had been blasted in the face because they were too horrified by the key change to even start?
But this time, the white-haired member, Park Moon-dae, casually leaned his head toward the microphone in front of the camera.
Then, he opened his mouth.
[YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!]
“…!!”
A shout.
He pulled off that high note without his expression even changing.
His neck had turned red and his veins were bulging, but his deadpan expression and the impact of the ultra-high note were so perfectly balanced that it was hard to notice.
Following that, the other members naturally began to headbang violently.
Oooooh!
The way they shook their jackets was slightly exaggerated, making it even better to watch. The audience audio on the screen screamed and cheered.
[…Again?]
[Fine, whatever, they’re actually great singers. I can clap for that. Clap clap clap. You heard it, right?]
The audience burst into laughter again.
But soon, the energy returned to the MC’s dejected voice.
[Then we have to move on to the next song… As you all know, it’s only really funny if they mess up at the very end!]
“Wait, what?”
A new accompaniment that hadn't appeared before started playing.
It was a ballet arrangement of a slick, beat-heavy disco track currently on the Billboard charts.
“!”
“Pfft!”
It was incredibly funny, but it was funny because there was no way for TeSTAR to escape this one!
[Haha!]
However, one of the TeSTAR members stepped forward from the back.
A beautiful young man with his black hair neatly swept back. He naturally crossed his legs, stood on his toes, and elegantly lifted one leg as he spun.
“…!!”
[Whaaaat??]
A fouetté.
At that moment, the other six members exchanged glances and began to hum.
It was a composition that followed the main melody and accompaniment on their own.
A cappella.
[…Oh, Lord.]
“My god.”
And they even managed to find the intro and jump in by following the beat at the perfect time!
[TeSTAR: I can take you to the night sky~]
The audience on the screen cheered.
A plot twist is always enjoyable.
Since they pulled off all this madness, they even received applause from a passerby on the street.
[Why are you guys clapping for them!]
[What is this… Wait, did you all leave? How much did they pay you?]
When the MC’s narration huffed as if he had been the victim of a prank, the audience roared again.
Cha Yu-jin, who was casually high-fiving the others, tilted his head with a smirk.
[TeSTAR: We got paid our appearance fee, though?]
[No!! I mean you guys… Argh! I’m going crazy!]
“Hahaha!”
Matching Hannah’s laughter, the microphone in front of the camera shook violently like an angry puppet.
[This is… that’s right! This is practically a failure!]
[It’s no good because you’re too good. Right?]
The TeSTAR members looked at each other and smirked. Then, the white-haired member replied nonchalantly.
[TeSTAR: No. I don't think so.]
[It’s a failure because it’s not funny! This is a comedy show!!]
[TeSTAR: Hmm.]
Instead of continuing the skit by firing back, TeSTAR exchanged glances once more and nodded.
‘What is it?’
Then Cha Yu-jin spoke.
[TeSTAR: OK. Forget it all. Just shoot.]
“…!!”
Pop!
And the Gourmet Cannon actually fired.
Not just once, but several times. Right into everyone’s faces.
Thwack-thwack-thwack-thwack!
“Whoa!”
Hannah watched with her mouth agape.
TeSTAR’s appearance became as disastrous as the people before them.
[TeSTAR: Oops.]
Cha Yu-jin, who now had bolognese sauce dripping down his forehead, wiped it away with his finger.
Even then, he grinned.
[TeSTAR: It’s delicious.]
[Oh my god.]
[TeSTAR: We came on the show because it looked the most fun. This is a truly awesome experience.]
[Please just get out of here. Now.]
[TeSTAR: Will do. Have a good night, everyone.]
[TeSTAR: Good night~]
The members chuckled, wiping their faces with their clothes or hands as they casually walked off-camera.
It was as if they were doing him a favor.
‘Wow….’
They weren't humble at all; they were overflowing with confidence and had a firm sense of their own world, yet they weren't obnoxious.
It was everything this region expected from an artist.
Individuality! Talent! Star quality!
Moreover, didn't it fit perfectly with the band image they had in Cosmic Gunner? They were practically playing themselves!
[What… what…. Put someone else on! This isn't funny!]
The screen concluded with other contestants failing to follow the ballet arrangement and getting hit by the Gourmet Cannon.
But everyone who watched knew. The real ending was the scene of that band walking away earlier.
“Woooow.”
Literally, if they wanted to make an impression, it was a massive success.
And sure enough, as soon as the broadcast ended, a new post was uploaded to the MC’s account.
=======================
[I swear on my house, this wasn't rigged. They are a truly crazy band. #SaveMe]
=======================
“Woooow!”
It was a declaration of surrender.
‘This is blowing up!’
She found herself searching for posts, seeing not just K-pop accounts but everyone who watched the show today pouring out their thoughts on their own accounts.
At the same time, she thought:
‘I’m here doing this, but they’re probably coolly heading back to Korea, right?’
Yes, Cha Yu-jin was exactly the kind of person who would do that.
And his group would be the same!
We are currently tossing one guy in the air like crazy.
Who?
“Seon A-hyun! Seon A-hyun!”
“Wooooo!!”
“Seon A-hyun did it all!”
Seon A-hyun, of course! This guy pulled off an unplanned ad-lib perfectly!
I’ll be honest. We cheated a bit.
We had already sorted out all the candidate songs they might use and studied the expected answers.
It’s the same thing I’ve been doing since Idol Inc.
Since it was a long-running segment with over 100 episodes, the references were solid, and the songs were easy to figure out.
‘These guys use half current hits and half hits from ten years ago.’
Since the program had been running for so long, I figured they would have fixed the range of songs they picked to avoid overlap.
And the arrangements could be figured out through statistics, too.
Once we pulled the song and arrangement patterns, it was smooth sailing.
—Is this funny?
—Not funny!
—Okay, they won't use a country arrangement here. Pass.
Since we just had to get them checked by someone with Star Quality S+ who had the local sensibilities and then match the arrangements.
‘We covered more than half with this.’
So, under Kim Rae-bin’s lead, we had already pulled the vibes of the expected arrangements and decided who would take the lead for each song before we appeared.
But…
‘Where the hell did these crazy bastards get ballet from!’
I had guessed as far as opera, but I didn't expect these bastards to throw in an instrumental track where no one even sings.
But because Seon A-hyun took the initiative and actually performed ballet, it became a huge hit.
‘If it weren't for him, we would have been screwed.’
This whole thing only meant something if we cleared every single song they gave us while perfectly staying in character.
Looking flustered would have been the worst move, but he not only prevented a potential disaster but also pulled off the play of the game, so everyone was going wild.
“No, but seriously, huh? You said you switched your major to dance, A-hyun, but how did that just come out like that!”
“I-I prepared it for a performance back in, uh, middle school….”
“The fact that you remember that is a truly surprising and jaw-droppingly amazing event!”
“No…, i-it’s just that these things stay in your body…….”
I won't accept excuses.
Anyway, Seon A-hyun was finally lowered to the floor with a bright red face, receiving applause only when it was time to move.
“Um….”
But even then, he hesitated to speak.
‘Hmm.’
His face was filled with anticipation, similar to when we hit the jackpot with this album’s concept.
I get it.
‘He wants to hear the story.’
Just like before, he seems to have judged for himself that he’s shown enough competence to join the conversation between me and Keun Se-jin.
And while qualifications aren't really the issue, it’s true that he carried this particular instance.
‘I can't delay it any longer.’
I looked back at Keun Se-jin. He nodded as well.
In that case….
Fine, damn it. Let’s talk!
For the record, it was a truly moronic idea.