The Senior's Heavy Guilt
Ah, yeah. It's over.
It's been over for a long time.
Kim Heejin's heart had already spiraled into a place she couldn't control.
But she couldn't show those feelings to anyone without reservation. Since she was back with the unit, she figured she'd act just like before.
'Just like before? What even is that? How did I treat Harang...?'
Her mind chewed on it endlessly, but in reality she couldn't bring herself to do anything like that. Kim Heejin had no memory of how she had handled her emotions before it all got too much.
'I just straight-up ran off to the bathroom. What the hell was I thinking? I was totally exposed.'
She had bolted the second she claimed she needed the restroom.
It was the officer bathroom, after all—no one would come, and no one would hear the noises she made. The fact that it was quiet and she could vent her frustration without anyone noticing was a blessing.
Once the surroundings grew quiet, Seo Harang decided to reflect on everything she and Kim Heejin had done up to that point.
'She was kinda cute... I guess I did give her some attention.'
She had put in quite a bit of effort.
She had snapped at her a few times when she was angry, sure.
'But I did show that I was trying hard. She took the heat and still pulled through so well.'
People who put in real effort weren't the type she disliked. That attitude of Harang's had stirred something in her heart.
'Back then she even did some body touching.'
Hands on the shoulders. Shoulder hugs. Playing with her hair.
Kim Heejin slowly replayed those small details, and suddenly one scene flashed through her mind.
'Hey, Seo Harang.'
'Superhuman Seo Harang?'
'You always wear baggy clothes? I didn't realize because you never took them off before, but your chest is pretty big.'
'Is that so? I don't really know... but I'm sure Superhuman Kim Heejin is much larger.'
'It feels perfectly balanced, doesn't it? Can I touch it once?'
"Ugh!"
Kim Heejin remembered washing together and touching Seo Harang's chest.
Back then she hadn't thought anything of it. They were the same gender, and those kinds of feelings simply weren't there.
'Ah... damn it. Thinking about the past is making it worse again.'
Her heart was racing. It felt like something deep inside her was teasing her relentlessly.
Thinking about the past had dragged up everything that happened right before, too.
'Her skin was so soft and smooth...'
When Harang had collided with her earlier. On one hand she had been flustered, but on the other she had savored the feeling of that touch.
'The scent was nice too... Why doesn't she wear perfume but still smells this good...'
She had even enjoyed her natural scent. Now she couldn't argue if anyone called her a pervert.
'I'm such an idiot. I'm the senior, I'm the older one. What kind of mess is this? Really.'
Thump. Thump. Thump.
If banging her head against the wall was all it took to forget, she would have done it long ago.
Unfortunately, Kim Heejin's body had already started to rebel against her control. Or maybe her head secretly wanted it.
'...I'm completely crazy.'
'Completely crazy.'
The truth was spilling out from her overflowing thoughts.
Her own body had been excited by Harang's physical contact earlier.
She could express it with nothing but 'crazy.'
'Why... why like this...'
She bit her lower lip. Even so, the heat in her body didn't seem to want to cool down at all.
Touching herself? For her own desires? With a junior? With another woman?
Countless questions had crossed her mind. But even after repeating them, the heat refused to settle. That was the problem.
'Crap... It's not my fault. You came on your own. You helped on your own. You seduced me on your own.'
She blamed someone else for a moment.
'...What are you thinking? Helping you like that. Hah... I don't know, really.'
Her thoughts moved slowly, but her actions had been lightning fast. The raging desire had melted her brain.
Conclusion.
Kim Heejin decided to act on the experience from just now and the memories from before.
...
"I'm garbage. Unfixable garbage."
After handling everything, she washed her hands while muttering.
She stared at herself in the mirror. The reflection in the mirror didn't even contradict her.
Thankfully, the excitement that had seemed like it would burn her up had at least subsided a little.
'...How many times did I do that in my seat? Seriously.'
Instead of that empty space, guilt and self-reproach filled it.
'Really, the fact that it felt so good is more annoying. Really... I'll end up addicted.'
Guilt for using her female junior—the one who had reached out to help her family and situation—as a release. And then a faint sense of remorse followed.
She had imagined the beautiful body she had seen right in front of her and added her own moans.
The effect had been tremendous.
Because it felt so good, she had even imagined lying Seo Harang down on the floor and rubbing against her a few times.
As her own words went, she had done it consecutively several times. A new record.
─Whoosh...
Kim Heejin stared blankly at the faucet that had been dripping nonstop and then turned it off.
'What am I going to do if this keeps happening? Once I properly take care of it, I won't do this again. Then I can really go back to how things were before.'
With that resolve in her heart, she felt a little lighter. If it was now, she could face Harang's face without trouble.
Kim Heejin reached the living quarters with that confidence. But thoughts and actions were fundamentally different.
"Eh..."
"Ah! Superhuman Kim Heejin!"
"Harang... um."
"I came out here to apologize for what happened earlier."
"What happened earlier..."
"I tripped and bumped into you, didn't I? Of course you're stronger than me, Superhuman Kim Heejin, but still... you never know."
She was approaching, trying to act like a nosy senior.
Did she notice the panic? She wished she hadn't noticed. Then she could reveal the feelings without suffering.
But, as expected, nothing happened. Kim Heejin just carefully checked her body.
"You look perfectly fine on the surface... Is there anywhere it hurts?"
"Ah, no. It's fine."
"It's okay. It's perfectly fine. Are you okay?"
Inside, Kim Heejin had said it with perfect composure, but the words that actually came out were a voice that was cracking.
"Then I'm relieved. Anyway, I'm really sorry."
'Why is her face so small? Why is her collarbone so thin? Ah, I want to see her thighs. Why isn't she wearing short pants? Should I wash together again? Do I have to train? Will she jump at my chest like before? Am I weird? Is this what "like" feels like? Is this not just desire? Her scent is nice. Her hair looks soft. The thing I did just now is coming back to me. My heart is beating. What should I say? Should I move her to the side? If I sleep next to her it might be weird. What does she think about girls dating?'
"Superhuman Kim Heejin?"
"Ah! W-well..."
"You look a little dazed... Are you okay?"
"I'm fine! Ah."
—Click!
Kim Heejin's face flushed bright red at the completely wrong tone. She felt like she was going to be caught thinking something strange.
"You don't have a fever, do you?"
"Ugh! Wait! Get away!"
Seo Harang had come in fast.
Her face was close. The scent was nice. No blemishes on her skin. Her eyes were really black. The height difference felt just right. What was with this defenselessness? Should she just go for it? Was she being too loose with another girl?
Kim Heejin desperately wiped away dozens of thoughts that had surfaced. What she saw reflected in her eyes was the disappointed look on Seo Harang's face.
"Ah, sorry. I think I was being too bold."
'Don't make that face...! So why is her gaze so sharp but her attitude so puppy-like...!'
And seeing that Seo Harang made Kim Heejin's heart race again.
Once she realized the emotions, every action and expression of Harang's made her entire body tingle.
"Umm..."
Even while looking at the situation, she kept closing the distance a little. Was it because they were the same gender? Or was it always like that? Or was she just managing the group? The feeling of the distance narrowing made her dizzy.
Ah, she was drawing closer. Seo Harang's entire body.
'How is someone so defenseless like that. That's why I look like the weird one here...!'
The suppressed desire from just now surged back up.
'I can't do that with her again. It's really irreversible. Ah...! Don't make that face! Really!'
"I'm not angry or anything like that, so don't worry about it. You know my eyes are like that anyway. You go first. I'll smoke for a second..."
Kim Heejin stopped herself as her hand went into her pocket.
"Hey, Harang."
"Superhuman Seo Harang?"
"You don't like girls who smoke, do you?"
"You mean smoking? Well... it's fine. Not really."
No, no.
She said it like that, but it was definitely not the truth.
She was clearly bothered by it. Seo Harang, who wouldn't even go near the smoking area when she wasn't called, was the proof.
Kim Heejin lightly grabbed the cigarette pack in her pocket.
"Anyway, go ahead."
"Understood. Please take care."
"What do you mean 'take care.' You should take care."
"Aha... thank you."
"There are a lot of things to be thankful for."
Kim Heejin sent Harang off while somehow keeping her composure, then headed to the smoking area.
"Oh?"
"Whoa! Superhuman Kim Heejin!"
"Why are you coming out from there? Ah, right. The living quarters bathroom really is dirty. The cleaners didn't do a good job."
People were gathered in the smoking area. None of them lived in the same barracks as her.
"Need a light?"
"No."
"Oh, are you all quitting?"
"No. I still have some left."
Kim Heejin pulled one out. There were still more than ten left.
She almost crumpled it, but even so, she didn't want to just throw it away like that.
"...Hey."
She called out to the smoker fiddling with their phone right in front of her and flicked it toward them.
"Eh?"
"You all quit. I'm going to quit smoking."
"For real?"
"Wow! You're amazing!"
"You should work on that tone of yours."
"Why do you want to quit smoking?"
"Just. No reason, I just suddenly don't like it."
Suddenly? There was a clear reason she didn't like it anymore—Harang.
'Anyway, there was no one else in our barracks who smoked besides me. Perfect timing.'
Kim Heejin casually left the smoking area without a second thought, wrapping the reason for quitting in that way.
'Eh? Did Harang-unni really quit smoking?'
'Then. Unni couldn't do something like that?'
'So cool... I think people who quit smoking so cleanly are cool.'
'Cool?'
'Yeah... unni is so cool.'
'If it's cool, then... date her.'
'R-really? For real?'
Imagining a future she might or might not see.