The Weight of a Name

Olivia watched him with a somewhat dazed expression. This was the first time she had ever heard Theodore speak of his feelings toward his father.

No, it wasn't just about Pavel. Come to think of it, throughout all four of her lives, this seemed to be the first time she had heard his true feelings directly from his own lips.

Olivia realized with a fresh sense of shock how little she truly knew about him. She knew of the kindness of his childhood and the rage of his youth, and she knew that, in the end, his sense of responsibility had triumphed over everything else.

But she had never once heard what his heart had endured while he was changing into the man he was today. Even now, she didn't know exactly why he had died in her first and second lives, nor why he had chosen to pledge his loyalty to her in her third life and this one.

She didn't even know why he had kissed her after refusing to marry her.

She no longer knew whether he had forgiven her and Gisella. She knew he had decided to bury everything under the weight of ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠a greater cause, but she couldn't tell if he had simply chosen to forget the past, if he truly understood what Pavel had done to protect her and had forgiven him for the incident involving his mother, or if he was merely using his reason to suppress his private resentment.

Between them, there was only an unclear present, devoid of past or future, piling up like chaotic dust. They had ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠clearly spent their ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠childhoods together and held the same person as family, yet it was as if their hearts had never once touched; they shared almost nothing but body heat and desire.

And now, he had told her what lay at the very bottom of those complex, contradictory emotions.

It was only natural that just because the past held a truth different from what he had known, he couldn't overturn the feelings he had built up over the years in a single day. Yet, by acknowledging that past, he was attempting to place their present on a solid foundation.

And by saying he did not hate Pavel, he was, in effect, forgiving Olivia as well.

Because she understood his meaning, Olivia found herself unable to look him straight in the eye, and she lowered her gaze.

"Thank you. For not hating Pavel..."

"You have misunderstood my words."

"No. I understand. You're trying to tell me that it wouldn't be strange for me to feel any emotion toward the Emperor. Truly, it is a comfort."

In truth, she wanted to say thank you for sharing the complex emotions he kept in his deepest depths. Those feelings were something only the two of them in this world could understand.

But unlike him, she could not fully surrender her own past or her feelings. Her inner self was already ravaged and eroded by the tragedies of her past lives; there was little left of her.

She could not tell him about her three deaths, nor did she intend to. She felt that if he didn't believe her, she would crumble, and even if he did believe her, he would never truly understand the scars her soul had sustained.

"..."

Theodore looked at her with a darkened face. While it was true that he had spoken to comfort her, that was not the entirety of it.

Finally, Olivia lifted her gaze. Her clear turquoise eyes held a proper indifference, and this time, it was Theodore who lowered his eyes.

"Theo."

At the sound of her voice calling him, he felt a pain deep within his chest.

She said she understood, but Theodore thought that in reality, she understood nothing. Not the heart that longed for what it resented, nor how difficult it was to admit that he loved her instead of hating her.

And how painful it was to accept the fact that it meant nothing to anyone but his own torn heart.

Truly, his past had no meaning. Not his happy childhood, not his troubled youth, not his hateful young adulthood, and not even the events of that night when he had barely managed to accept it all.

Because to her, it would all be nothing.

Olivia reached out her hand. Theodore thought she wanted an escort and moved to take her hand to help her stand, but instead of rising, she pulled his hand toward her.

A warm breath tickled his middle finger. Olivia’s lips lingered on the back of his hand, barely touching it.

"Your Highness."

Perhaps this was all they could ever share.

"Call me by my name."

"..."

"Please."

Theodore covered his eyes with his free hand.

Because he could not fathom what she was thinking, even worrying about her sadness or feeling pity for her felt like a foolish endeavor. Nevertheless, he could not brush her hand away, step back, and return to his place as a subject.

"Olivia."

He muttered in a hoarse voice. His tightly pulled heart muscles felt as though they might rupture.

"..."

Olivia’s lips finally brushed against his rigid fingers.

"...via."

"I will sleep in the annex tonight."

Olivia said in a whispering voice. Theodore clenched his fist and pulled his hand from hers.

He bowed to her and turned his back. Anger surged within him, but at the same time, he was swept away by an overwhelming desire. Being toyed with was never pleasant, but he knew that he would eventually knock on the door of her bedroom.

Even if he were nothing to her, the day would never come when she would be nothing to him. Looking back, hadn't his entire life been a struggle to deny her?