Chapter 49 - The Conditions for Becoming a Gentle Idol Leader - Episode 49

[Chapter 32 | A perfect idol must be skilled at managing their expressions.]

One by one, the status windows that had kept clouding his vision throughout the shoot vanished, and even the last stubborn one disappeared at last.

He was already on his way out behind the building, having told the manager he wanted to get some air for a moment because they had noticed something was off with him a while ago and were refusing to leave his side.

He needed a place to be alone, if only briefly.

As long as the status window existed, Go Young-in had to keep his nerves taut whenever anyone was around. He still wouldn’t be able to rest properly all the way back, so it was only after he’d at least caught his breath before climbing into the van that he felt a little easier.

It might have been the better choice to stop dawdling here and head back as fast as possible, but Go Young-in didn’t even have the energy left to think that far ahead. Right now, all he wanted was immediate relief.

Fine. This much should be no different from usual. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Or maybe it was different? He didn’t know. Maybe every nerve had been pinned to the stage, because he’d been so focused on not making a mistake while performing.

The only things that stuck in his memory were the moment he nearly dropped the water bottle that DTD’s leader, Park Ha-un, had wordlessly handed him on the way back to his seat, almost making him the kind of participant who blatantly disrespected a colleague’s kindness, and the fact that The Road had been chosen as the elimination group.

Park Ha-un had caught the bottle before it fell and shoved it back into his hands, and he seemed to have said something, but Go Young-in hadn’t heard it. Probably something like, Be careful next time.

Then there were The Road members’ faces, twisted in wounded disbelief as if they couldn’t accept the live result ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the participants themselves had chosen.

The Road being eliminated was unexpected. But the song and styling had definitely been... severe. If they’d lost that way, they had every right to feel wronged.

In the end, The Road dropped out just like that and lost their chance to remain on the program, which meant they voluntarily withdrew.

Before leaving, however, The Road was given a chance to score the remaining five groups, and perhaps because they were still so bitter, they shoved the three groups that had voted for them down the list and raised the two that hadn’t into the upper ranks before walking off.

Thanks to that, Zero One and DTD ended up taking first and second place side by side, but because the ranking didn’t feel earned, even first place didn’t feel like first place. It was just unpleasant.

Was he losing focus again? The moment he let his guard down, it felt like all the strength would leave his legs and he’d collapse, so he forced power into them with everything he had.

Goddamn it... He really had become a total weakling. He wanted to get back to the dorm, or anywhere at all where he didn’t have to care about anyone’s eyes, and rest even a little.

To somehow pull himself together, he’d been chewing the inside of his cheek like a madman, and now the inside of his mouth was torn up and ragged.

He rolled his tongue over the wound and winced at the raw sting. The skin had split open so badly it felt torn, and the metallic tang of blood seeped into his nose along with a fishy bitterness. But he couldn’t keep biting his lip or chewing at his nails, the kinds of things that showed on the outside, because the status window would stop him. So there was nothing else to do.

“Um...?”

Someone called to the dazed Go Young-in cautiously.

Ah... Last time it had been Na Woo-ri, and now who was it this time? He didn’t remember making any separate friendships with anyone, so why did people keep coming to find him? Go Young-in didn’t think he had enough clarity left to tell voices apart anymore.

Maybe because his nerves were already frayed, but the voice calling to him irritated him on instinct. He’d come all the way out here to escape people, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠and still someone had tracked him down.

Go Young-in composed his expression and slowly looked back.

It was Sio from XINX.

An unexpected person. He didn’t know why Sio had approached him, and he didn’t particularly want to know why he’d noticed him standing alone and come over.

“A-are you... okay?”

“Yes...”

Even after he answered that he was fine, Sio kept glancing at him as though checking his condition, fidgeting in obvious distress. What was this about?

“What is it, sunbaenim?”

The status window urged him to answer, and he swallowed ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠dryly before speaking at a slow pace. He didn’t care about anything else right now; he just wanted to know why Sio had come over in the first place. Waiting in silence was its own kind of ordeal.

“I said I had a question last time.”

That did sound familiar.

“Are you close with Triple Shot...?”

“...Do you mean Hae-jung?”

“...Yes! All of them. Everyone there.”

Why did he have to hear about Hae-jung here too? He had no desire whatsoever to listen to anything about that side right now.

When Go Young-in neither confirmed nor denied it, Sio started pouring everything out on his own.

“Actually, I used to be at the same agency as Triple Shot. I was in the debut lineup, but then I left, and...”

Apparently he wasn’t confident he could explain it smoothly, because Sio blurted out the story in quick, stumbling bursts as it came to him.

How Hae-jung had often helped him when he’d first come to Korea.

How, just as he’d begun to settle into trainee life and get used to living in a foreign country, Hae-jung had started putting distance between them for reasons he didn’t understand, and how Sio had begun to be singled out and mistreated by the other trainees at the agency.

How, after learning the truth, Hae-jung had apologized and tried to help him adjust again, but the situation still hadn’t improved. How, in the end, he’d been driven out of the agency as if he’d been expelled.

“You helped me during the first recording, too. So I wanted to help you. If you weren’t close, I thought maybe you should know... I’m not trying to stir anything up. I just had a bad feeling.”

If this wasn’t stirring anything up, then what was it...? The moment he heard that, his head started pounding like someone had smashed it with a hammer. Fuck. Again. Again.

Now the distorted expressions of an unspecified crowd, the kind he’d grown used to seeing, began to layer over Sio’s face.

unfamous trainee and he acts like he’s some big shot already.>

<If you don’t want scandal before debut, like school violence or whatever, shouldn’t you be nice to us? Why are you acting so high and mighty? Jesus, what a joke.>

<Hey. Make him sing something. Let’s see what’s so great about him.>

The voices of that faceless crowd and their snickering laughter started ringing vividly in his ears, as if they were right in front of him. He pressed hard at the corners of his eyes, trying to keep them from heating up, and desperately tried to steady the fever rising in his chest.

It was so sickening he could feel the disgust in his bones.

seriously! It’s because you keep acting like a total pain in the ass that those bastards keep doing this!>

For reasons he didn’t even want to examine, Kyeon In-woo’s furious outburst flashed into view, his expression full of contempt. All the effort he’d made during the shoot to avoid looking toward Kyeon In-woo or Hae-jung had been utterly wasted.

Ah...

Something was wrong. Go Young-in instinctively understood that if he stayed here much longer, he wouldn’t be able to hold out. He’d completely ruined his condition management.

“I-I’m sorry... sorry, sunbaenim. I think I need to go back in a hurry. Next time... ah, the rest next time.”

It was a complete failure.

Over Sio’s voice, which seemed to be calling after him, a new layer of noise kept being piled on top.

There was no longer any way for Go Young-in to block out the sounds that kept following him, even if he covered his ears.

* * *

He had no idea what state of mind he’d been in when he returned to the dorm.

The moment he got out of the van, he told the manager he was exhausted and would sleep early, so there was no need to contact him, then waited until the rest of the members had all gotten off before heading up to the dorm.

He didn’t know how the members had reacted, or what the manager had said, or even whether there had been a reaction at all.

The instant he realized his condition had gone bad, nausea and dizziness surged through him so violently it was almost unbearable. He slammed his fist into his shaking knee, forcing strength into it. Even moving no longer obeyed him properly. Goddamn it.

At times like this, he had no idea how lucky it was that Cheon Sa-yoon, who shared his room, was out wandering around somewhere.

As long as he could get into the room, he could be alone.

Pyo Jae-ho was in the studio. Cheon Sa-yoon was out. The other members had apparently already gone into their own rooms, because the dorm was eerily quiet. But to the current Go Young-in, even a quiet dorm looked like a space warped into something noisy and tangled.

He could barely get enough strength into the hand holding the doorknob. Go Young-in braced his wrist with his free hand and carefully opened the door.

No one was there. Only then did some of the anxiety finally ebb.

He shut the door, leaned against it, and slid down to the floor with a long breath. Ah. He needed to lock it. He felt like some huge insect was fluttering in his ears, gnawing at his eardrums and his brain alike. It was unbearable.

Go Young-in moved almost on hands and knees to his personal desk and began rummaging through the drawer.

It should be here. It wasn’t. It was gone. Where had it gone? He was sure he’d bought it. Ah... no? Maybe he’d never been prescribed anything separately in this life? Then a standby medicine... some headache pills, at least? Those should be here. Why weren’t they.

Shit. Calm down. Don’t overreact. Don’t act strange. Think. At times like this, think. He closed his eyes and slowly regulated his breathing.

Under normal circumstances, he might have calmed down a little, but fatigue had piled up so badly that breathing properly felt impossible, as if something were blocking his throat.

Go Young-in felt the limit closing in on him.

Did he actually lock the door properly?

That was the first thought that surfaced as his vision began to drift far away.

Moments later, just as the thought formed, the door rattled open and he heard a voice, probably one of the members. ...Fuck. Lock the damn door.

The warning windows that had begun filling the surroundings erupted into a torrent of notification sounds.

He’d taken so many warnings that, at some point, receiving one started making the warning windows multiply like crazy. The world in front of him bled red. And in the final instant before he collapsed, all Go Young-in could see was the status window packed tight across his vision.

It’s over.