Welcome to Happy Lostco [7]

I rounded the corner and found Jeong-myung-gyo and Cosmos already at each other's throats.

Granted, they'd joined forces to sweep away the troublemakers whenever the Paranormal Administration Bureau showed up. But at their core, they were nothing more than rivals fighting over the Philosopher's Stone.

Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat!

"For the sake of our Leader!"

"For Jeong-myung-gyo!"

Cosmos's private task force rained down a silent baptism of bullets, and the cult's fanatics charged headfirst straight into it. It looked, at a glance, like a suicide charge — but the result was shocking.

"AAAAAAGH!"

"Kuhk!"

The Jeong-myung-gyo zealots who closed the distance with their bodies turned into honeycombs of gunshot wounds — and then transformed into monsters that tore the Cosmos troops limb from limb.

Of course, Cosmos's private task force didn't just sit there and take it. They cracked open grenades laced with spiritual energy and hurled them; a burst of blinding light later, the cultists had been reduced to fountains of blood and were gone.

Even so, the battle remained firmly in Cosmos's disfavor. Three men who looked like executives were carving through the private task force one-sidedly.

The dog mask and the pig mask were impressive enough, but the rabbit mask's performance was in a league of its own.

Strangely enough, though, the chicken mask that had come after me was nowhere to be seen.

Then—

Fwooosh-ROAR!

"!?"

The rabbit mask's hand suddenly burst into flames. Panicked, the figure glanced around — and its eyes met mine.

"Wang Lingguan!"

"Kyaa!"

I tossed Yoon Soo-ah to Wang Lingguan and dashed forward. At the same moment, the rabbit mask came charging straight at me.

Mid-charge, it pointed a finger at me. An instant later, I felt an enormous presence directly overhead. The moment I reflexively flung myself sideways, a colossal pestle crashed down onto the spot where I'd been standing.

KA-BOOOOOM!

The floor caved in, and the whole area shook.

"A rabbit mask with a pestle... Oh. The Jade Rabbit, is it?"

Instead of answering, the rabbit mask stretched out its hand again.

KWAAAAAANG!

I scrambled out of the way of the second falling pestle, tearing across the floor. The speed and force were both genuinely threatening, but—

"What are you gonna do about THIS!?"

Still sliding, I bored straight into the rabbit mask's guard. If the attack came from above, getting close meant it would catch its owner in the blast too.

"Don't get cocky, you greenhorn."

The rabbit mask apparently knew its own ability's weakness, because it clenched its fist. It seemed fairly confident in close-quarters combat.

"Well, I'm not?"

I flung a Jincheonbu talisman at the rabbit mask's fighting stance, transfiguring the surrounding environment as I went.

"Hmm!?"

The rabbit mask hurriedly loosened its fist and made a rapid gesture. In response to the motion, a row of smaller pestles rained down in succession and pinned the Jincheonbu talisman to the floor.

BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG!

The impact detonated the talisman, and smoke flooded my vision.

I didn't waste the opening.

"Peekaboo!"

"!?"

CRACK!

KA-BOOOM!

Hiding my body in the smoke, I bored in low and drove a full-force blow into its flank. The rabbit mask rocketed off like a struck pinball and slammed into a merchandise shelf.

And that wasn't the end of it.

Fwoooosh-ROAR!

"Kghk!?"

Flames began spreading from the spot where my fist had landed. Just as drifting souls and evil spirits burned on contact with my Daoist spiritual power alone, these cultists burned the same way — because they too wielded the power of anomalies.

"Guess mixing with anomalies makes you hella flammable."

Meanwhile, Wang Lingguan was using his whip to scuttle across the tops of the shelves like some enormous spider-man, clearing the ceiling of the battlefield.

"Niiiice!"

"You little bastard..."

Just then, the burning rabbit mask pulled itself back upright.

"Tough bastard, aren't you."

"...How long have you been targeting our church?"

"What?"

Glowering? Who? Me? At Jeong-myung-gyo? They were the ones who came after me, weren't they?

"What kind of nonsense—"

"Don't play innocent! I already know you approached Jeong-myung-gyo with malice from the very beginning!"

The moment it finished speaking, the rabbit mask raised its hand. But even at full strength I'd been a bad matchup for it — in this state, there was no way it could contest me.

WHUMP!

"Die!"

This time I didn't dodge the pestle falling toward my head.

KA-BOOM!

I stood my ground and caught it bare-handed.

"What...?"

"Heavy, sure... but not heavy enough that I can't take it."

If I hadn't learned the True Immortal Fire-Regulation Method, there was no way I could've caught it this easily.

"You—!"

Just then, a familiar voice rang out.

—GIIIIIGIIIGIIIGIIIGIIIK

The store manager.

Despite getting barbecued by the Ksitigarbha Ten Wheels Sutra and the Vairocana Mantra Barrier, there it was, standing in one pristine piece.

"So ordinary methods truly cannot exorcise it, then?"

The reason the store manager had suddenly appeared was obvious. It had come to kill me. It had assumed the security force would take me down, and when they failed, its blood had clearly boiled over.

And right at that moment, a brilliant idea popped into my head.

"Sorry, but I'll be going now."

"What?"

"You two enjoy the beating."

I spun into an aerial somersault and activated the Celestial Gang Hand Transformation Technique. My targets were two. One was me — and the other was the rabbit mask.

"WHAT!?"

The rabbit mask and I swapped appearances. Leaving behind the rabbit mask now wearing my face, I plunged straight into the fray where Jeong-myung-gyo and Cosmos were fighting.

"Master Jeong-myo!?"

"Where are you going, sir!?"

The dog mask and the pig mask shouted in confusion, but I ignored them and ran. Glancing back—

"Wh-what the hell!?"

I could see the store manager pouncing on the rabbit mask that now wore my face.

A human wielding the power of an anomaly versus an anomaly bound by Narrative Coercion.

Boy, what a clash. My heart swells just thinking about it.

Part of me wanted to stick around and see how it ended, but there was no time to dawdle.

THUD!

Just as Wang Lingguan had, I vaulted onto a shelf and passed through the corner at a position higher than the shelving. The scenery shifted violently, and I landed in a completely different corner.

The jump was random, so I'd been separated from Yoon Soo-ah and Choi Eun-ha. But I'd met the conditions for reaching the checkout, so it didn't matter.

Current time: 10:55 PM. Thirty-five minutes until closing.

I immediately sent a message to the Anomaly Suppression Squad channel.

The way to find the checkout — our exit — was simple. Once the money in your wallet converted into dam, you went to any corner touching a wall on the floor plan and repeated the pass five times; on the next pass, the checkout appeared.

I was a little worried the Bureau might dig its heels in and insist on staying, but—

Thankfully, it seemed no pointless stubbornness was forthcoming.

I ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠spread the floor plan of Lostco across my mind. My mental map was far more accurate than the one Kang In-hyuk and the Bureau had worked out — because the story's Additional Disclosure Plan had included the Lostco floor plan as well.

"Alright."

Fortunately, the Kitchenware Corner was one of the wall-adjacent corners. Only five corner passages stood between me and the wall.

Well, accounting for Movement Rule 3, that came to twenty-five passes in total.

"That much I can cover with stamina."

The moment I'd pinned down my bearing, I started running.

Five minutes to reach the wall-adjacent Toothpaste & Toothbrush Corner. Thirty minutes left until closing.

Min-seo, Momo, and the Bureau had reached the checkout first. All that remained were Yoon Soo-ah and Choi Eun-ha.

Yoon Soo-ah's message followed right after. Luckily, she'd landed in a corner that wasn't too far from a wall either.

I leapt to the right the instant I hit send. One, two, three, four — one more corner and I'd be at the checkout.

But just then—

"What!?"

"Huh!? Yi-yeon oppa!?"

Standing right beside me, face frozen in bewilderment, was Choi Eun-ha — the one who'd been called along with me by the announcement.

"Wh-what the hell is going on!? Weren't we supposed to head to the checkout!?"

"Calm down."

That's what I said, but I was every bit as rattled as she was. No way — it wasn't in the store rules, but there might be some kind of clue in there...

I pulled out my phone to check the photos I'd taken of the store rules beforehand. And at that moment—

BANG!

"What the—!?"

"GYAAAAAAAAAH!"

Alone, I could have held out. But it ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠all happened in the split second after she screamed, and by then Choi Eun-ha had already been sucked in.

"Tch!"

Left with no choice, I dove into the Customer Center after her. And the moment I crossed its threshold, what spread out before my eyes was an enormous gray room packed wall to wall with cabinets.

In the center of the room sat a lone desk, and behind it sat a masked figure. Choi Eun-ha was seated across from him.

"Wh-what... what even is this..."

Just then, the masked man spoke.

"A pleasure to finally meet you, my chosen friend. I am called the Count of St. Germain."

The masked man — no, the Count of St. Germain — addressed me directly.

"I've been dying to know what sort of man you'd turn out to be. And here you are, a far more remarkable fellow than I imagined."

At the word chosen, a few names flashed through my mind in an instant.

Did this man calling himself the Count of St. Germain know something about those sites?

But the self-proclaimed Count of St. Germain showed no intention of giving me a chance to ask, rattling on like a burst of automatic fire.

"Which is why I have a proposition for you."

"A proposition?"

"How would you like to ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠split the Philosopher's Stone with me?"

Saying this, the Count of St. Germain pointed ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠at Choi Eun-ha.

"Uh... me?"

"Isn't it a truly magnificent work? The masterpiece of masterpieces left behind by Paracelsus himself."

Choi Eun-ha pointed at herself in confusion, but the Count of St. Germain spoke as though she weren't worth conversing with, keeping his eyes fixed solely on me.

"So it's not that Eun-ha possesses the Philosopher's Stone... Eun-ha herself IS the Philosopher's Stone?"

He gave a slow nod.

"How refreshing to deal with someone quick on the uptake. Exactly as you say. In the past, Paracelsus and I alike were buried beneath the name 'Philosopher's Stone,' shackled by the prejudice that it had to be forged from metallic matter."

The Count of St. Germain wagged his head regretfully.

"But that was wrong — it should never have been so. The mineral Philosopher's Stone is a failure. In the first place, isn't it ironic that a stone meant to transmute all of creation should be trapped in the form of a mere metal?"

Striking the poses of a stage actor, he swept his arms theatrically as he went on.

"So then — what is the most perfect form the Philosopher's Stone could take? The answer is the Prima Materia. But since the Prima Materia cannot exist in reality, one must settle for the closest possible matter. Tell me — do you know what that is?"

"The soul, I'd wager."

Prima Materia — the alchemical term for the first element. And in alchemy, the first element is the state in which all chaos and all possibility are inherently contained, the very goal of the art, and—

"The starting point of the soul itself."

Ridiculously enough, the store rules of Lostco I'd read through the Additional Disclosure Plan had included promotional copy as well.

The problem was that those "finest products" were made out of the people who wandered inside. And yet — maybe that promotional slogan wasn't a lie or a sneer after all.

From Lostco's perspective, a product composed of human beings was simply judged to be of higher quality than any other product on the shelf. Viewed through that same lens, the most perfect material for crafting a Philosopher's Stone was never a base metal — it was the human soul.

Which meant that, in other words, this was what the Count of St. Germain was proposing to me.

Extract Choi Eun-ha's soul and split it between us — that was his offer.

How should I put this.

It was a proposition for which the title "Alchemist of Time" fit a lot less well than "Demon."