Chapter 517: Just Let Me Hold It Once. (24)
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 517: Just Let Me Hold It Once. (24)
After my regression, I suffered from insomnia for a long time.
There were nights I couldn't sleep at all, staring into the darkness until dawn. When the lack of sleep became a danger to my health, I'd resort to using my qi to knock myself unconscious. It was the only way.
If I slept naturally, the memories from my previous life would surface as dreams.
The faces of those I had killed.
Those I failed to save.
Those who died because of me.
They would haunt me all night, making it impossible to function. I'd wake up drenched in cold sweat, gasping for air, trapped in a nightmare. For a long time, I couldn't breathe. And when I finally could, I'd bury my face in my blankets and weep, over and over again.
I would cry for a long time, cursing myself for still being so powerless, rendering the precious second chance I'd been given utterly meaningless.
How could I possibly be happy just because I had regressed? Nothing had changed. With the memories of that time still so vivid, how could I simply go on living and breathing? I hadn't changed anything. I hadn't been able to do anything.
I spent a long time like that, trapped by my past life, stumbling through the days without direction. To call it 'living' would be a stretch. I was merely breathing, passing time.
As a martial artist, I tried to reclaim my former strength, but without any real will, my efforts were hollow. And even when I managed to build my skills, it all felt futile because I was empty inside.
What should I live for? What meaning did this regression hold?
For a long time, I searched for an answer. No, 'search' isn't the right word. I could only wish. I wished so desperately that there would be a meaning. Please, let there be meaning in my regression.
But I couldn't find any. I learned that the world isn't that easy. So I just let time flow, living day by day. I dabbled in this and that, thinking I should at least try something, but I never put my heart into any of it.
There was something I had once dreamed of—the childish desire to be hailed as a genius of the century, to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the greats. I had once been crazed for that recognition, but no more. I could have achieved it if I wanted. The reason I deliberately held back was likely because I didn't want to stand out. I didn't want to see their faces. I hated the thought of someone as insignificant as me daring to stand beside them.
Surprisingly, I still had a conscience. At least, back then.
I had no grand intention of stopping the Blood Calamity just because I'd regressed. My plan was to live a quiet, mediocre life. Or perhaps just hide away in some remote mountain village to avoid the coming danger. That was how I intended to live at first. Let's just live moderately, without standing out. I'm sure of it.
Where did it start to change? I often wonder about that. About the exact moment the shift began.
Was it when I met Wi Seol-Ah in Shanxi, right after my regression? Or when I encountered Namgung Bi-ah on the road to Sichuan? Those were both turning points, without a doubt.
But I knew. The point where I truly began to dream of having a conviction, a purpose, was none other than when I first met Tang Soyeol.
There was no particularly special reason. At first, it was just a seed. When I saw Tang Soyeol's two perfectly healthy eyes. When Namgung Bi-ah stood by her side, and Wi Seol-Ah stood by mine. When I felt a scene and an atmosphere that were distinctly different from my past life.
Later, when I crushed that bastard Namgung Cheonjun, I wondered if maybe, just maybe, I could change things myself.
That feeling began to slowly heat up within me. And after that, the situation continued to change.
Meeting Elder Shin on the way to Mount Hua. Then seeing the Immortal Healer and Zhuge Hyuk, and wondering if I could alter the future I knew through my own efforts. The hope I embraced became a burning ember. And as if to prove I was a martial artist who wielded flames, the fire in my heart grew larger and larger.
A budding aspiration began to bare its fangs and yearn for more. That was the real reason I revealed my true power at the Martial Arts Festival. I will take everything Jang Seonyeon would have obtained. That was the initial, surface-level plan.
But thinking back now, that wasn't all there was to it. It was literal aspiration. A burning desire for the thing I had secretly wished for—the fantasy of appearing as an incredible genius in the eyes of others.
Was I truly free of that desire? No. I must have had such feelings. I want to crush Jang Seonyeon and take everything he would have gained. Within that plan for the future, other aspirations must have festered. That's why I unleashed my power without holding back.
The more honest I became with my feelings, the more the world around me changed. I met the Blood Demon and sensed deeper secrets lurking in this world. Furthermore, I met Yeon Il-Cheon and learned of even greater mysteries.
As I uncovered secrets I never knew, my heart changed, and my relationships with those around me deepened. In the end, the reason I went from ‘Let's just get by and avoid the Blood Calamity’ to resolving to end the Blood Calamity myself by stopping the Heavenly Demon or the Blood Demon… was because I remembered my past life and recognized that this life was different.
That's why I believed the true catalyst was my meeting with Tang Soyeol in Sichuan.
She was different from Namgung Bi-ah or Wi Seol-Ah. Precisely because the breadth of my emotions for Tang Soyeol was smaller than for them… I think that's why I was, conversely, able to think more rationally when I was with her.
As time passed, I gradually found I could sleep again. Perhaps because I had finally set a goal, I was able to immerse myself fully in my training. And maybe because of that, I didn't shy away from even the harshest training methods.
I still dream of my past life, even now. But very occasionally, I was able to have a proper dream. A dream that was more like a fantasy of a distant future—a vision of what happens after the world has changed and become peaceful. I became able to imagine futures I had never before considered.
The emptiness I felt upon waking was still there. But it was okay. Because at least I had built a foundation strong enough to endure it.
So. Now I have to take proper care of those around me.
It's not enough for just me to get stronger. If possible, I want to shoulder all the karma by myself, but I know I can't, even if I want to. I don't want to reach out for help. One person's suffering was enough to bear. But I know I'm not capable enough to do it alone.
So I had to look at those around me… In that respect, Tang Soyeol was a difficult matter for me in many ways.
It’s ambiguous.
Her martial talent was one thing, but the most important question was… How do I see Tang Soyeol? How, and in what sense, do I actually perceive her?
As I said before, the fact that I could think rationally when looking at her, unlike with Wi Seol-Ah or Namgung Bi-ah… is the same as saying that my feelings for Tang Soyeol weren't that significant. At least, that's how it was at first.
She was simply someone I had killed with my own hands. Our relationship was troubled by the bitter guilt that stemmed from that fact.
What about now? What about now? I think about it, but I still don't know.
I'm not unaware that the feelings she has for me are affection. I can't fathom how it happened, but… it must be so. But me, on the other hand… Can I dare to call what I feel affection? I couldn't be sure.
The feeling I got when I looked at Namgung Bi-ah or Wi Seol-Ah was quite different from the emotion I felt when I looked at Tang Soyeol.
Even so. That didn't mean Tang Soyeol's importance to me was small. When Tang Duk threatened me using her… when I judged that she might be involved in the incident brewing within the Tang Clan… I cared about her enough that I unconsciously unleashed my killing intent upon hearing those words.
I just couldn't be sure of my own heart. To put it coldly, it was probably to the extent that, unlike with Namgung Bi-ah or Wi Seol-Ah, I couldn't see myself dying for Tang Soyeol. That was probably the gist of it.
However. I can't help but worry about her. As her importance to me was by no means small… I couldn't help but be concerned. It's a very ambiguous position.
Her martial talent wasn't particularly outstanding, nor were her other talents. Nevertheless, I remembered that she had risen to become the Poison Queen in my past life, and I judged that there must be some hidden potential there, but… What if it was related to this incident?
The Celestial Martial Body Plan. From the moment I heard that Tang Soyeol was entangled in that scheme… I struggled to recall her whereabouts in my past life. How did she become the Poison Queen? I wanted to know.
… But no matter how hard I tried to remember, I couldn't. It was proof of how little I had cared about her back then. And for some reason, that realization irritated me.
“What do you mean by that?” I asked, referring to my question about whether she wanted to become stronger.
Hearing my words, Tang Soyeol looked up at me with a puzzled expression. Looking at her, a thought suddenly occurred to me. Was she always this small?
Due to the Tang Clan's nature as assassins for centuries, most of the direct bloodline were small in stature. Even the Poison King was only slightly taller than I was before my transformation. As a woman, Tang Soyeol naturally had a smaller-than-average build. For some reason, I could feel that distinction clearly now.
…The reason is. It was probably because of her eyes. Since when was it? Looking into Tang Soyeol's eyes, I just knew. She was slowly being consumed by a sense of inadequacy.
How could I not know? It was the same emotion I had been so terribly mired in during my past life. There was no way I wouldn't recognize it.
The cause was probably… Because of the kids around her. The young prodigies who had gathered were all geniuses and monsters. It was only natural for someone with mediocre talent to feel an insurmountable wall among them.
A genius soars to the heavens. A mediocre talent, no matter how they fly or crawl, remains on the ground. When you realize they have wings that you lack, it's only natural to collapse in defeat. At least, I did. I had realized that difference and fallen to the ground, screaming.
I understood Tang Soyeol's feelings better than anyone. That's why… I… I didn't want Tang Soyeol to break. There is no more desperate and ugly way to break than to be crushed by a sense of inadequacy. I know because I've lived through it. I didn't want her to become like that.
Therefore. …This is a rather cowardly method, but. I felt the texture of something in my clenched fist. A bothersome, unpleasant sensation. As I clenched my fist, I lightly bit my lip.
…This feels like shit. I knew it. It wasn't the texture that bothered me, but something inside me that found this entire plan repulsive. Is this really the right way? Why even ask? I knew it wasn't. And yet, I was about to do it anyway.
Fuck.
What I held in my hand was the jewel I had taken from the Tang Clan's First Elder. It was called a jewel, but in reality, it was an elixir containing a concentrated amalgamation of various energies. Its potency was so astonishing that even I, who had seen most elixirs starting with the White Demonic Stone, was taken aback.
I’ve never seen anything like this. The Tang Clan's masterpiece, created over nearly a hundred years starting with the Poison King. Just by absorbing it, one's body would transform, and their innate Poison Qi would be maximized.
From the description alone, it sounded incredible, but the conditions for consuming it were the problem.
First, the person has to be a woman, was it? The first condition was that the consumer must be female. It was incompatible with a male body; their qi would run rampant, causing them to explode and die, or so I'd heard.
The second was… They must not have passed the age of thirty, was it? For most martial artists, thirty is when they just begin to enter their prime. In other words, it was a condition targeting a young prodigy.
Also. You need a vessel that can handle this much Poison Qi. The amount of Poison Qi contained within was absurdly vast. No matter how poison-resistant someone was, it made no sense that they could handle this much. It was impossible for a normal body. Putting these conditions together…
In the end, it meant it was intended for a female young prodigy from the Tang Clan, who had built up a resistance to poison from a young age. And if it was a female young prodigy from the Tang Clan under thirty… …It’s only Tang Soyeol. This explained how the First Elder had planned to feed it to her.
If there was one slightly unsettling point, it was this. It’s not just that Tang Soyeol is the only one who fits the conditions, but rather that it seems to have been created specifically for her. The conditions fit her too perfectly. That bothered me, but… Even so. I… was planning to feed this to Tang Soyeol.
[ …Hmph… ] At this thought, Elder Shin let out a breath as if he were uncomfortable. The sound grated on my ears.
It couldn't be helped. As a hero, it was only natural for Elder Shin to disapprove of such a method. However. …For some reason, you’re not stopping me. The Elder didn't stop me. He continuously expressed his discomfort, but he didn't say a word to forbid it. Funnily enough, that bothered me more.
Hmph. Elder Shin snorted. [ As if you're the type to listen just because I try to stop you. ]
Even though you knew that perfectly well, haven't you consistently tried to stop me before?
[ That's true, but… kk, kk. ] The Elder let out a dry laugh. [ Not only will you not listen if I try to stop you, but this time, there's no particular need to. ]
…Are you saying you don't mind me feeding this to Tang Soyeol? It was a concentration forged from countless lives. If it had only been made from demonic beasts, it wouldn't have been such an irritating object, but the number of lives sacrificed to create this was on a level I could hardly imagine. Dozens of corpses had been found. Considering the years, tens of times more lives must have been used.
For the Elder to just let me use an elixir created like that… From my perspective, I couldn't understand it.
Because of this, the Tang Clan would be shaken considerably in the future. Seeing the Poison King's actions, it didn't seem like he intended to sweep this under the rug. I felt a little sorry for the Poison King, who would have to clean up the mess their ancestors and current elders had left behind, but… that didn't matter right now.
As I am now, I can do it. This jewel, imbued with immense energy. If successful, she would gain an outstanding body and considerable Poison Qi. But if I just fed it to the current Tang Soyeol, there was a risk her body would be ruined because she couldn't control the energy.
That, I could easily control. A body that had achieved Ten Thousand Poison Immunity. Even if the Poison Qi tried to erupt, I just had to absorb it and control it. So, it meant that I was the only one who could feed this to Tang Soyeol safely.
Just as I was thinking that… [ That right there is why you're still a kid. ] The Elder suddenly rebuked me as if I were pathetic.
…Then what in the world is the problem?
[ Tsk, tsk… Enough. Just finish your conversation with the Tang Clan's child. ] A flicker of irritation rose at the Elder's words, but as he said, I decided to finish my conversation with Tang Soyeol first. She also looked like she was waiting for me to continue.
“I mean it literally… Don't you want to be stronger?”
“Huh?”
“I think I can make you stronger.”
“You, Young Master…?”
“Yes.”
Hearing my words, Tang Soyeol tilted her head. It was understandable that she would find it strange for me to suddenly show up and ask this.
One word. Just one word is all it would take. I want to be stronger. That would be enough. With that one word, I would shoulder the karma of this hideous jewel in her stead. I could do that much for her.
With that in mind, I waited for her answer.
After a little while, Tang Soyeol slowly opened her mouth. “Um… If I say yes, will I get stronger…?”
“Probably. You'll get very strong.” I didn't know the exact extent, but if the Poison Queen of my past life became so powerful through the influence of this medicine, she would likely become quite strong. Or, at the very least, she would gain the potential to become strong.
“And you’ll be the one helping me, Young Master?”
“Yes.”
Hearing my words, Tang Soyeol seemed to ponder for a moment, then… “In that case…” She said to me with a bright smile. “I'll pass.”
“Right, then take this… huh?” I froze, my hand moving naturally to take out the jewel, stopped by her answer. …She'll pass? Did she just say she'll pass?
“You'll pass?”
“Yes. I'll pass.”
“…Why? If you're worried, I'll make sure it's not dangerous…”
“Young Master.”
I was about to try and persuade her, wondering if perhaps she didn't trust me, when… Grip. Tang Soyeol grabbed my arm with her small hand. Her grip felt strangely strong.
“I don't think you'd suggest something that would put me in danger. You're not that kind of person, Young Master.”
“Then why…?”
“Can I ask you one thing?”
“…Uh, yes.”
“If I accept this, you'll be the one who gets hurt, won't you?”
“…!”
I sucked in a breath at her words. I hesitated for a moment, about to deny it, but…
“Whether it's your body or your heart. You'll have to make a sacrifice because of me, won't you?” Tang Soyeol spoke as if she were already certain.
“…It's not like that. I'm just helping a little, that's all.”
“Then why do your eyes look so sad?”
“…”
At her words, I unconsciously touched my eyes. What kind of expression was I making for her to say such a thing? Was my intention that transparent?
Tang Soyeol gently caressed the corner of my eye with a careful touch. I couldn't bring myself to stop her hand.
After a moment, Tang Soyeol smiled slightly and said, “I'm sorry.”
“…For… what?”
“I must have worried you by showing an embarrassing side of myself lately. Right…?”
“…”
Her words pierced my chest. I swallowed a groan. Thanks to her, I missed the chance to deny it again.
“…It's embarrassing. I didn't mind if others found out, but I didn't want you to see, Young Master.”
It seemed she was fully aware of her own sense of inadequacy. But how could she smile despite that? I hadn't been able to smile when I was in her place.
As I looked at her with trembling eyes, she continued. “That's right… Compared to everyone else, I felt like I wasn't being helpful to you, Young Master. That upset me a little.”
“That's not necessary…”
“Even if you say you don't care, Young Master, I do. I didn't want to be a useless person by your side. Because then, I wouldn't be able to stay by your side.”
“…”
“So I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to get much stronger, so I could stay by your side.”
“If that's the case, then all the more reason…” Shouldn't you borrow my strength? Just as I was about to say that…
“But you know, Young Master. No matter how much I want to be strong…” Tang Soyeol moved the hand that was touching my eye to my cheek and said softly, “I don't need any power that I'd have to gain by hurting you.”
“…!”
“I don't think I'd want to be by your side if I got strong like that. I can overcome this on my own. In fact, I think I'll feel less embarrassed being by your side if I do.”
“…”
“I'm sorry. You came all this way to check on me… Hehe… I'm okay.”
Watching Tang Soyeol smile shyly, I couldn't say a word. I felt like I had been hit hard on the head with a hammer.
Where did I go wrong? From the beginning? It must be.
Why… did I think Tang Soyeol was the same as me? Why did I assume that she, like me, would be caught up in a sense of inadequacy and crumble?
My premise was wrong. She wasn't weak like me. Tang Soyeol was someone who, rather than accepting defeat, thought about overcoming her struggles in the end, no matter how hard the path was now.
Ah. Something fundamental within me wavered.
I looked at Tang Soyeol again. The girl who had seemed so small just a moment ago now seemed, for some reason, like a much bigger person.
[ Didn't I tell you? You're still a kid. ] My breath hitched slightly at the Elder's laughing tone.
It was because I saw her as small… that Tang Soyeol had appeared small to me. I had been so sure from the start that she couldn't overcome it, which was why she had seemed so weak and fragile. But now, she looked so much stronger and more radiant.
I see. It suddenly came to me. That time when Sichuan had fallen. There was a woman who had evacuated the people of the Tang Clan to Henan and held off the Demonic Humans by herself. She knew death was at her doorstep. She knew she could never hold out. Even after her eyes were gouged out and her face was horribly disfigured. The woman who had steadfastly held her ground.
“Haha…” I let out a laugh as I recalled her image. Until now, I had thought she was able to do it because she had that much power. Because she held the name of the Poison Queen.
But even that was wrong. It wasn't because she was the Poison Queen. It was simply because she was Tang Soyeol. It was because she was that kind of person from the very beginning.
I felt as if a dense fog was clearing. When I pushed away the hazy mist and looked at Tang Soyeol again… I could feel a sense of certainty.
“Ah…! Th-that is, it's not that I'm refusing because I don't need you, Young Master Gu…!” Her earlier composure was gone, and Tang Soyeol now faced me with a face flushed red.
Looking at her, I said, “You know.”
“Y-Yes…?”
“I think I can die for you now.”
“…Uh… eh…?” I had blurted out the thought that surfaced in my mind.
“Kkueh…??” Hearing my words, Tang Soyeol suddenly fainted.