The Wiki-Browsing "Kuh, Slay Me!" Hero
【Emperor Xian = Mi-na / Anyi, Reasonably Close to Luoyang】
I finally understood why parents were always nagging their kids to get off their smartphones. Binge-reading wiki articles like a bona fide shut-in really made the hours fly by. Of course, for someone like me who had firmly resolved to leave the original timeline as untouched as possible, having a harmless way to kill time was actually a blessing. Meeting Cao Cao and bringing even a shred of stability to the imperial court was still more than nine months away.
Unfortunately, an incident soon shattered my complacent daydream down to the bone marrow.
“Haa... haah... Your Majesty...”
The empress had fallen ill.
When I really thought about it, the fact that the people around me had stayed healthy this long was the true miracle. I had kept my eyes half-closed and looked the other way, but it wasn't as if I hadn't noticed elderly eunuchs and court ladies vanishing every few days. Maybe some had reached their limit and fled, but these were people who had followed me all this way on sheer loyalty alone. They probably just... went to a farm upstate. They'd be back soon.
Whoa there. Don't go saying bad words like "the heavens took them." Forbidden!
Honestly, when we first arrived in Anyi and I learned we had to hold out here for several months, I had felt pretty confident. Sure, the history books claimed people survived on wild roots and tree bark because there was nothing else to eat, but what kind of people were Koreans? Weren't we the relentless breed that would parboil and boil bracken fern just to eat it, toxic ptaquiloside be damned? Was that all? Westerners couldn't even be bothered to tell different algae apart, dismissing it all as "seaweed," while Koreans developed dried laver into a delicacy, showing the world what it was missing and turning it into our "black semiconductor." That was our unstoppable culinary heritage!
If wild roots and tree bark crossed paths with those eccentric hermits on Korean television, they'd instantly be branded as healthy herbs and restorative medicine. As long as you could chew and swallow it, it was nutritious, eco-friendly food! To be frank, deep down I had smugly assumed that all the ancient Chinese chronicles whining, "There's nothing to eat, boo-hoo," were just pampered weaklings throwing a tantrum over side dishes.
Naturally, it took less than a week for that naive delusion to be shattered.
I saw some folks huddled together chewing on what looked like rice cakes, and when I asked, they told me it was dirt. Pure clay. Wait, aren't dirt cookies supposed to be something you only see in famine-stricken countries ravaged by endless civil wars and natural disasters? ...Ah. Come to think of it, this place was a country locked in civil war. And they had suffered through consecutive years of blistering drought and swarms of ravenous locusts.
Under circumstances like these, even with the empress and me receiving the highest priority in care, it was impossible to stay healthy.
“Uuu... Your Majesty...”
Feeling the razor-sharp winter wind slicing through the dilapidated room where the feverish, groaning empress lay, I finally resolved to bend history just a tiny bit. To be fair, it wasn't like I had just been loafing around eating and sleeping doing nothing all this time. Whoever controls information controls the realm. The time had finally come to unleash the power of a fully prepared wiki warrior.
“Imperial Father-in-law. A clash between you and Han Xian will soon take place, so prepare yourself in advance.”
“Your Majesty, by 'soon,' when might you mean?”
“...Sometime in the near future.”
How the hell should I know? It's not like the wiki listed the exact calendar date. Besides, tipping him off so he wouldn't get ambushed was already huge.
“We place all Our trust in you, Father-in-law.”
Still, having my imperial backing seemed more than enough for my dear father-in-law, who didn't even bother hiding his ecstatic grin.
“Your humble subject, Dong Cheng, shall surely emerge victorious and repay Your Majesty’s boundless grace!”
...Looking at that dopey, slack-jawed grin, I suddenly felt a twinge of unease. My confidence in him plummeted by about twenty percent.
“Should the tides of battle not flow in your favor, seek refuge with Administrator Zhang of Henei.”
Since he fled there in the original history anyway, surely he could manage that much.
“And should that happen, you may encounter an army from Yan Province. Do not bar their path under any circumstances! Instead, borrow their might to escort your way back to Us. Do you understand? This is an imperial decree.”
Just in case, I had to preemptively shut down any potential trolling.
“When Your Majesty places such high hopes upon me, how could I possibly lose to a mere scoundrel of a bandit like Han Xian? Pray, put your worries to rest!”
Damn it, I've got a bad feeling about this...
Dong Cheng launched a surprise raid on Han Xian, with whom he had long harbored bad blood. Though Han Xian appeared pushed back in the opening moments, he swiftly rallied his troops and mounted a counterattack. Unable to withstand the onslaught, Dong Cheng ultimately fled to Yawang County, where Zhang Yang was stationed.
Ugh, classic Dong Cheng. Total deadweight.
【Dong Cheng = {Unknown} / Yawang County】
“General Dong, they say victory and defeat are routine matters that no strategist can foresee. Take heart.”
“Of course! Though this Dong so-and-so suffered defeat this once due to a momentary lapse in vigilance, I shall soon rally a righteous army once more to escort the Son of Heaven!”
Dong Cheng’s fighting spirit was so ablaze that it took Zhang Yang—who had offered words of comfort out of concern that Dong might be wallowing in despair—completely aback. One might wonder if he wasn't being entirely too cheery for a guy kicked away from the emperor's side like a beaten dog, but thinking that harmony was best, Zhang Yang chimed along amiably.
“The army of Yan Province is marching this way.”
“Cao Mengde?”
“It seems the Governor of Yan Province has his sights set on the Son of Heaven and the imperial court. He has sent none other than his cousin at the vanguard.”
Only then did Dong Cheng recall the final command the emperor had imparted to him.
“Is that so...”
Normally, he should have disclosed the emperor's intentions at once, cooperated with Zhang Yang, and guided Cao Cao's troops directly to Anyi. However...
Cao Cao is too monstrous a giant for me to handle. As for Han Xian, I should be able to keep him in check through Yang Feng and Hu Cai...
To Dong Cheng, who still firmly believed he could control the White Wave Bandits, Cao Cao was far too formidable a rival. While he agonized in hesitation, a subordinate general of Yuan Shu named Chang Nu arrived a few days later. Dispatched with orders to disrupt Cao Cao’s plan to escort the Son of Heaven, Chang Nu apparently possessed some political acumen, striking Dong Cheng’s Achilles' heel in a single stroke:
“If that crafty Governor Cao of Yan Province nestles by the Son of Heaven's side and clouds the imperial judgment, just how long do you think His Majesty’s favor toward you, General Dong, will endure?”
“With loyal and righteous men like you, the Han dynasty has nothing to fear! You are truly worthy of serving Lord Yuan Gonglu, whose illustrious clan has produced Three Excellencies across four generations!!”
【Emperor Xian = Mi-na / Anyi】
I, Emperor Xian, was profoundly disappointed in Dong Cheng. Given the disparity in numbers, I could overlook him losing to Han Xian. Judging by how things were unfolding, however, the idiot had gone and clashed with Cao Hong, whom Cao Cao had dispatched to make contact with me! After I specifically commanded him not to do that!
To make matters worse, as if he possessed a supernatural talent for stirring up useless strife, Yang Feng and Hu Cai suddenly brought up Dong Cheng's expulsion and declared they were going to attack Han Xian, forcing me to run ragged trying to talk them down. I trusted him because he was supposedly family, and he turned out to be the biggest troll imaginable. Then again, considering my family in my previous life had never been helpful either, I guess I just had terrible luck in the relative department.
...Sigh, what could I do? My first plan—to suppress Han Xian using Dong Cheng and ride that momentum to persuade the White Wave Bandits—had crashed and burned in spectacular fashion. Time to pivot to Plan B. ...Wait, did I even have a Plan B?
“Grand Commandant, what ought We to do?”
The (wiki) female warrior had suffered defeat. Back on the modern internet, which already felt like a distant past, I used to laugh at the cliché that "female warrior = inevitable defeat." But in this other world, apparently it was an inescapable cosmic law. In the end, screaming “Kuh, slay (my pride)!” in my heart, I clung to Yang Biao. I couldn't afford to cling to my modern ego when the empress showed no signs of recovering. It wasn't as if I had Xun Yu or Zhuge Liang by my side; when all was said and done, the only dependable figure I had was Grand Commandant Yang Biao. Though we hadn't known each other long, observing him convinced me he was someone I could genuinely lean on. If even this man couldn't offer a decent solution, my only choice was to throw myself onto the dirt floor, kicking and screaming like a brat: "I wanna go to Luoyang! Right now!"
“At present, those who truly follow the Son of Heaven are few, while vile scoundrels abound, causing Your Majesty's sacred decrees to fall upon deaf ears. You must rule them with imperial majesty.”
Sounds like he's basically telling me to threaten them.
“Will they heed Our words?”
Threats only work when you actually have leverage. They didn't give a damn about anything I said, so why on earth would they cater to my wishes now when they held all the cards?
“Though they be contemptible knaves, they nonetheless fear the collapse of the imperial altars. Once their haughty momentum is broken, if Your Majesty then bestows great favors upon them, fear and greed will compel them to obey your commands.”
In other words, drop a massive threat first, then negotiate by offering higher official posts once we reach Luoyang...
“?”
“Though it terrifies your humble servant to suggest it... using Her Majesty the Empress's illness as a pretext, pray dismiss the imperial meals and undertake a personal fast.”
Wait, you're literally telling me to throw a "I wanna go to Luoyang! Hmph!" hunger strike?!
【Dai Chong = {Unknown} / Anyi】
“Good grief, why hasn't Governor Yuan of Ji Province replied yet?!”
Dai Chong vented his frustration in an agonized lament, but Feng Shuo had no idea why either and could only look on in helpless perplexity.
“Governor Cao of Yan Province is aiming for the Son of Heaven as we speak...”
To these two, the notion that Yuan Shao—the dazzling idol of the Pure Stream with a golden demeanor—would deliberately abandon the beleaguered Son of Heaven was utterly unthinkable.
“Who is Mengde, anyway? In the end, is he not merely the grandson of a eunuch?!”
Cao Cao’s father, Cao Song, had been the adopted son of the Regular Attendant Cao Teng. Cao Teng was a towering figure who had served five emperors; at the height of his power, even the infamous Ten Attendants would have been treated as petty nonentities beneath his notice.
“If such a creature were to lay hands upon the court, she would undoubtedly brandish breasts bursting with vulgar greed and look down upon the emperor! I can never stand idly by and permit such an outrage!!”
“Indeed, Palace Attendant! We can no longer suffer the Murky Stream to dictate the imperial court!”
“Contact Governor Yuan of Ji Province once more at once! Could Administrator Zhang of Henei be playing tricks in between?”
“He does have friction with the Governor of Ji Province, but surely he isn't so foolish as to fail to grasp the gravity of this matter.”
“Tsk!”
Yet no matter how fervently Feng Shuo and Dai Chong chanted “Down with greedy breasts!” in desperate opposition, history’s very first distortion was already unfolding...
Deeply despondent over Empress Xiaoxian's worsening illness, the Emperor personally refused all nourishment. Stricken with panic and confusion, Yang Feng, Han Xian, and their cohorts found themselves at a loss. Before long, in deference to the Son of Heaven's unyielding resolve, they began the march toward Luoyang.