What I Want to Do

I was in the middle of a counseling session.

Yes — had been, anyway.

……I couldn't get a single word out.

I slid my eyes toward the chat.

Judging by the viewers, that was exactly it.

I turned it over for a moment, then answered with care.

"……I'll hear the problem first, and then I'll decide."

It was a conclusion reached by perfectly reasonable logic. TSDropDead had helped me enormously since the earliest days of the channel — and, at the same time, had caused an enormous number of problems. They cleaned up after themselves about as well as they made the messes, so nothing truly disastrous had come of it so far…… but a track record doesn't exist for no reason.

I watched the chat and waited for an answer.

And I kept waiting.

"……Hmm."

The future. A vision. I took a second to put my thoughts in order. This person almost never got serious — no, it was fairer to say they never had, not once. So if this was the first time they were being ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠sincere, I decided I would answer with the same sincerity.

"A vision…… honestly, I don't think this is something I can lecture you on all that hard. At the end of the day, I'm just some internet streamer."

"That's true, but…… anyway!! Here's the part that matters. What I want to do, and what I'm actually good at. When I end up in a spot like this, those are the two things I think about first."

Back when I'd been lost for a long, long time, I'd turned those same words over until they steadied me. They were how I'd made it this far. So here……

"And it just so happens you're good at something, doesn't it, TSDropDead? Games."

Right. Games. I didn't know about the rest, but that person's mechanics were genuinely world-class. Pro players didn't ask what the hell was wrong with them for nothing. And besides—

"Besides…… your streaming instincts and your variety sense are both excellent. Couldn't you look for a vision in that direction?"

I was advising them on the strength of everything they'd shown me until now.

But.

The chat's reaction was off. A little time passed before I finally caught how my words must have landed.

"Ah. Put it like that and it sounds like I'm telling them to start streaming."

Getting called out by my own viewers left me feeling strangely sheepish. Not every reaction went that way, though.

"Hm?"

Unlike a moment ago, the chat had turned oddly positive, and that pulled me into thinking about it seriously too.

"They really are……."

In a lot of ways, TSDropDead was built for broadcasting. Of course—

"Still, aptitude is a thing. Plenty of people find they're worse at it than they expected and just quit."

"It doesn't have to be internet streaming. If they just put those strengths to use, I think they'll do well anywhere. That's my opinion."

And with that, the counseling session was over.

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

"So — feel like your problem's solved?"

I asked it carefully. Ten seconds. Twenty.

"……?"

What? No answer. That was strange. They had never gone this quiet for this long.

The viewers were starting to feel it too. About a minute had passed when—

With that, they vanished.

"……."

I stared at the screen for a long while. Only after quite a bit of time had passed did I manage to ask the viewers.

"……I think I may have…… done something that's going to blow up in a very big way. Do the rest of you think so too?"

That night.

Just as Choe Seohyeon had said, I started thinking seriously about this thing called the future. Oh — and for the record, I was absolutely not agonizing over whether or not to start streaming, the way he'd suggested. Even I had a limit. That was a no. I wasn't about to charge ahead the way the gender-bent heroines in web novels do — I'm a woman now, guess I should try streaming!

The reason I'd asked him for advice in the first place was the crash of realizing how shabby I looked next to him.

Still.

"……A vision, huh."

I hadn't ignored his advice entirely, either. I really was good at games. My rank proved it. Which meant—

"……."

A strange lift of excitement rose through me. The vision he'd handed over. Again: I had no intention of streaming. What I enjoyed was watching his broadcast, not running one of my own. My fun had always come from sniping him in-game, or from finding the broadcast angles nobody else could find, and making his stream more entertaining because of it.

"……."

Thought of that ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠way, it only got clearer. I was not the gender-bent heroine of a web novel. I was someone who watched his stream and took my joy from that…….

"……Ah."

The moment I landed on it, I could finally sort my head out for certain. Right. I'd gotten my enjoyment from watching his broadcasts, talking to him, and teasing him now and then. That was how I'd endured this miserable life as a TS variant. In other words—

"……Ahaha!!"

I never thought I'd find a vision like this. I think I'd found a new goal. Until now I'd barely scraped by on part-time work, watching his stream without a thought in my head and surviving one day at a time…… but now…….

"……Good."

Knowing what I wanted to do put my mind at ease. I turned the computer on at once and started working out how I could help his broadcast. And in the middle of that, I found them, piled in a corner of the machine. Those.

"……Right. I still had these."

A truly wicked idea occurred to me.

A few days later.

"What's wrong, oppa? Did something happen?"

My little sister, worried. My head was too blank to answer Haeun right away, and I couldn't help it. All I had to do was remember how TSDropDead had reacted a few days ago.

"……Haeun."

"Yeah."

"You think there's anyone who'd actually start streaming just because someone told them to try it once?"

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

I told her what had happened a few days back. And then—

"……That's kind of scary."

Haeun must have felt it too. She rubbed her forearm, stroke after stroke. So it wasn't just me.

"So what do you think? You think they'll really stream?"

"Hmm……."

Haeun closed her eyes as if she were thinking it over, and then she said,

"……I dunno."

"Hm?"

"No, this is just my personal take, but — oppa, you've been streaming nine years now, right?"

"……Yeah?"

"Right? And if you look at the mechanics they've shown you all this time, and the variety sense, the broadcast angles, all of it — I figure they already thought about streaming ages ago. More than enough."

"So what's the conclusion."

"That they'd start streaming over one line from you? I see it differently. If they were going to, they'd have done it long before now. They wouldn't still be someone who only watches your stream."

It was a reasonable point. Looking at their ability, they were the type who would have started if they were ever going to — not the type who simply wouldn't. Which meant—

"So I don't have to worry about that, then?"

"……Oppa."

"Yeah."

"I get that you've been burned by them enough times to react like this, okay?"

"So?"

"Stop bouncing your leg. The side dishes are gonna fall."

"I can't help it. The second I think about them, my leg starts shaking."

"Don't people usually say it's their heart that starts racing?"

"Just empathize with your oppa at times like this."

"Aigoo."

As if she had no choice, Haeun empathized with me in the end. I was just barely calming down when—

Ding——!

"Hm?"

Haeun's phone. She turned the screen on, curious what it was, and her face went stiff almost at once.

"What?"

"……Oppa."

Cold sweat beaded on her. Around then, I felt that something had gone very wrong.

"……What is it? What could possibly make you act like you've seen a ghost?"

"……Oppa, do you still have any broadcast footage from five years ago?"

"Five years ago?"

Five years ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠ago. That was a long time. I'd been streaming for nine; back then I would've been heading into year four…….

"Probably not? I can't keep all of it. Maybe the originals of the Nutube videos that pulled a lot of views, but that's about it. Why?"

Common sense said as much. A single broadcast VOD ran for hours, and once those files started stacking they became monsters that ate a hard drive alive. Five years ago? Unless it was truly important, it was gone.

"……Oppa."

"What is it, seriously. I'm starting to get scared over here."

"Look."

Haeun, as if she couldn't bear to watch with her own eyes, held the phone out to me. I looked at the title of the video on her screen…….

"……Choe Seohyeon, Five Years Ago: 'This Is Why They Say Pretty Boys…'……?"

What even was this. The title did not feel ordinary, and at the same time I had a bad feeling. This…….

"……Now that I think about it, there was exactly one game genre where you got dragged no matter what you did."

Haeun spoke as if she'd understood. Around then, I understood too. The contents of this video were probably…….

That was the shape of it.

"……."

"……."

My own voice from the past drifted out of the video, indifferent and all too familiar. I held on to as much composure as I could and turned my eyes to the Nutube comments. Well. Exactly as expected.

"……We're screwed."

Just as Haeun had implied, the comment section was, quite literally, a complete disaster. My eyes moved, naturally, to the name of the Nutube channel. The channel name was far too familiar.

"……TSDropDead."

TSDropDead. Of course.

"Heh. Reactions are good."

The reactions really were excellent. They had to be. A look this hard to come by — the past self of Frolik's reigning number-one man, good-natured, good-looking, and good at games besides? And on top of that—

"And they're positive, too."

Choe Seohyeon's image was close to perfect. And was that face of his just a face?

Most people weren't reacting to the video with anything negative. They were positive — more than that, they were having fun. Exactly the reaction I'd wanted.

"Ah. If I had my way, I'd drop a few more."

Honestly, part of me wanted to cut several more videos like this and upload them right now. But no. Pass. Eat instant ramen for every meal for a single month and even that gets old. Dump every behind-the-scenes clip and every little-known video all at once, and Choe Seohyeon's image might burn out just as fast. Celebrities don't worry about image fatigue for nothing.

"Anyway. I've done my duty."

And so, today as well, I had accomplished something very large for the sake of Choe Seohyeon's broadcast.