06. Be Happy, Kokuyo.
"I gotta do what the exam proctor says."
"What...?"
In the silent cavern, Shizuku was the first to speak up.
Her words were shocking—she was saying she'd follow the proctor's orders and step into a one-on-one deathmatch. Meaning...
"You're saying you'll kill someone here if that's what it takes to become a ninja?"
"Dang it, have you been ignoring everything I've said up till now?"
"You..."
"I told ya, I gotta become a ninja... become one and put an end to this crazy bullshit."
I'd heard that goal earlier, when we fought those puppet robots. Yeah, you had that dream...
But if achieving it means killing everyone, and that's what you're saying...
"I'm disappointed in you, Shizuku."
"......"
"These past few months, I really thought of you as a friend. Sincerely."
"Then do you have some kinda plan?! You can't seriously think we can escape for real, right? You saw it! That proctor, that woman's overwhelming power...!"
"Ugh..."
"We're just rats in a trap, you dumb bitch! Quit yappin' about friends and get your head straight! Got it?!"
"......"
"Fuck, I hate girls like you! You're the strongest of us, closest to becoming a ninja... and yet here you are, spoutin' hypocritical bullshit!"
"Watch your neck, 'cause next time we meet, we'll be crossin' blades."
With that, Shizuku stomped off after saying her piece.
Even if we were still stuck in this massive cavern together, it felt like an unbridgeable psychological gulf had opened up.
My eyes kept blurring with tears.
Ah... I'm losing it. I can't keep crying like this.
How many times have I broken down today?
"Sniff."
"Hey, Kokuyo... that girl didn't mean all of it. Not really."
"Hic... r-really? She said she hates me, me... and I never acted all hypocritical...!"
Even with Nazuna comforting me nonstop from the side, the tears wouldn't stop.
Stop it, just stop...
I'm a guy in his twenties inside, what the hell is this embarrassing crap... Stop the damn tears already...
"Me too, see ya tomorrow."
"Hibana, do you... really have to go right now? She's crying."
"I don't like Shizuku that much either, but what she said ain't totally wrong, y'know? We're rats in a trap anyway... only way to survive is awaken that aura crap or whatever and be the last one standing."
"......"
"Quit blubberin', you crybaby Kokuyo, and you too, Nazuna, coddling her like it's great? Toughen up already! Go into those deathmatches with that soft mindset, and you'll be the first to die."
"Hey... Hibana, can I say one thing?"
"What?"
"I'm... prepared not to resent whoever kills me."
"......Oh, really? Do whatever, I'll be the one surviving anyway."
Hibana left too.
And the other kids, one by one... sighing as they headed to corners of the grand hall to check their techniques one last time.
All that remained with me was Nazuna...
"Sniff. 'Prepared not to resent whoever'? What does that even mean?"
"Hmm..."
"Nazuna, you're not thinking of just dying, right?"
"Of course not... I don't plan on dying easy. But just wanting to live doesn't make it happen."
"......"
"So if someone has to kill me, at least I've made my peace not to resent them... something like that."
What? I don't get it at all.
Why do we have to steel ourselves to kill and be killed?
We were getting along just fine yesterday.
We're barely ten years old, and now we have to slaughter each other? From the perspective of a modern guy who lived in Korea in his past life, no matter how I think about it, it makes zero sense.
"Nazuna, let's escape together anyway. At least with just you, I could somehow..."
"You know it's impossible, Kokuyo."
"......"
"I felt it in that one moment—the fact that escaping the proctor's grasp is impossible... If we both try to run, we'll both die for sure."
Nazuna's words made sense.
She'd been pinned in an instant by that woman... I felt it too. I can't beat her.
Probably can't even escape.
But that wasn't the straight talk I wanted to hear from her.
That wasn't what I wanted to hear from you.
Like you said earlier... I wanted you to say you want to live until you're a grandma.
So... like in that final trial, I hoped you'd ask me to help.
If even just you had said that... even a coward like me might've mustered some courage.
Why does it have to end up like this?
Why, if I don't want to die, do I have to kill?
It's so utterly unfair.
"If we at least obey the proctor, one of us two might survive. I... at least hope for that."
"......"
"For now... let's properly send off the kids who died this time. We can't just leave them in that gruesome state."
"Yeah......"
"And we need a wash. Both of us are covered in dirt and blood... Oh! And Kokuyo, you peed yourself! Gotta properly wash the clothes too—they stink!"
"Don't point that stuff out one by one... it's embarrassing..."
As Nazuna said, we gathered the bodies of the dead kids, burned them with fox fire... cremated them.
And I prayed: may you not be born in such a messed-up place next life.
Be born in a peaceful world like where I lived in my past life.
And ideally... not as an orphan like me, but with good parents, and never stabbed in the back by some weirdo.
After praying for their souls, I dug a pit in the ground with a kunai... processed it so no muddy water would splash, filled it with water using water escape... heated it with fire escape, and got in.
It was warm. And maybe this hot bath was the last warmth I'd feel in this life.
No matter how I thought about it, I couldn't muster the resolve to swing a blade at the other kids just to save myself.
Sure, I don't want to die... that's obvious.
But I lived over twenty years in my past life.
Not super long, but...
These kids are barely around ten. And they've forgotten everything before entering this damn ninja selection trial.
So if someone needs more time to make memories, shouldn't it be someone other than me?
I'm the oldest here, after all.
This young body might be influencing me—I'm not acting very adult-like... Nazuna even feels way more mature than me.
Still, I'm definitely older than these kids.
So I should... for their sake...
"Kokuyo, can I join you in the bath?"
"Yeah..."
Nazuna slipped into the bath I'd made.
Suddenly, memories of the past few months flooded back vividly.
The first time I woke in this world... I was mortified at bathing with the girls, nearly died of shame.
Couldn't even open my eyes properly.
Nazuna thought it was weird... why so shy when we're all girls?
Shizuku called me the funniest bitch ever...
Hibana too.
Those fun memories end today...
"Why are you crying again..."
"D-donno... tears just keep coming? Sorry... guess I'm a bigger crybaby than I thought."
"No... everyone knows you're a crybaby, Kokuyo."
Huh? What? That's how you all see me?
Well, yeah, I cried a lot.
Every time someone I knew from the trials died... I'd burst into tears.
But that's normal, right? You're the ones who are too heartless.
I'm the humane one. Human-like... beastkin, whatever.
"Kokuyo, hey. Wanna think brighter? If I become a ninja!"
"......"
"Shizuku said she'd stop kids like us from dying... yeah, that's noble."
"Yeah..."
"Wonder what ninja life is like? They must eat fancy stuff as village bigshots. Jealous..."
"......"
"What about you, Kokuyo? Lemme guess... marriage? Handsome husband, kids... wait, do ninjas even marry?"
"......No, I don't like guys. I like girls."
Guys? Hell no.
Maybe 'cause I was a guy before, but the thought of being under one makes me wanna puke.
Being on top? Nah.
Under or on top, the partner better be a girl at least...
Nazuna stared at me with wide eyes.
......Oh shit, I slipped up.
Well, yeah, kinda like coming out.
Whatever, in this life I'm a girl.
A girl liking girls... probably not normal here.
Does she find me gross now?
We could stay close today, our last day before blades clash tomorrow.
I wanted to end on good terms.
Nothing ever goes right to the end.
Hate to be hated by her too.
"I see..."
"......Sorry."
"Why apologize?"
"Doesn't it gross you out? A girl liking girls?"
"No... I'm relieved. Same here."
"......Huh, what?"
In the bath, Nazuna's fingers intertwined with mine.
"Hey... so, would even I be okay?"
"......"
......Ah, oh.
So that's it.
A firework popped in my head.
Whoa... I'm such an idiot, a total moron...
To only realize now.
Way... way too late.
Sorry, Nazuna. All we have left is today.
But if it's just today... let's make it regret-free.
"Hey... wanna sleep together tonight?"
At my words, Nazuna shyly bowed her head... then nodded up and down.
She dunked her head in the bath, bubbles rising... blub blub...
Ah, if only tomorrow never came.
If this happiness could last forever.
But the tomorrow you wish wouldn't come always arrives just the same.
To cut to the chase: the next day...
I killed Hibana with my own hands.
Shizuku too.
Even Nazuna, who said she liked me...
All of them, by my hand.
No guilt, no sorrow, no tears.
Just the ecstasy and joy of murder.
And the mad laughter bursting forth from it.
And so... the birth of a certain ninja written as Shinigami and read as Kokuyo.