Broadcast Service Terminated
The broadcast service has ended. For the next few weeks after that, I streamed diligently, but that foreigner didn't show up often. Maybe once or twice occasionally...? If anything, that was progress, since now viewers were trickling in, two or three at a time.
And during the stream—or more precisely, while I was grinding levels on my newly created account—I started to feel it. "Am I... really this bad...?"
At some point, my self-talk had naturally shifted to Japanese. Well, I am Japanese now, so that made sense. Muttering to myself in a foreign language would feel weird. It wasn't like I was excited and slipping into English or anything.
Anyway, I was in the middle of grinding hard to get to ranked matches when it hit me again—a thought I'd been having consistently since my very first stream. The game League of Legends, which I'd played for over a decade in my previous life, felt strangely unfamiliar and difficult now. Movements that used to be effortless felt heavy. Skill combos that weren't even that hard wouldn't chain cleanly like I wanted. And on top of that, these tiny hands of mine struggled to maneuver the mouse properly—it felt so heavy. If I focused on the game screen, I couldn't react to the few chat messages that popped up. If I glanced at chat, I lost focus on the game...
Was I always this bad at multitasking...? My eyes and head just weren't cooperating.
Maybe it'll get better if I keep streaming...
He was a chat troll with a massive itch to stir shit up, but to me, he was a precious viewer, so I couldn't ban him. Plus, honestly, even I was getting tired of just mumbling to myself all day during streams—I wanted some conversation too.
"Y-Yes... yes... first time... Sorry I'm so bad..."
"I-I try to look, but... I'm focusing on the game..."
This asshole... I swallowed the urge to curse and forced a smile. Of course, since it was a stream with no face cam—just my chest and neck in frame, like a dullahan—I didn't even need to smile for real. I'd angled the camera that way because showing my full face felt like too much resistance all around.
Your voice is cute tho
Was this advice...? His tone was annoying, but it kinda felt like advice—or maybe he just wanted the stream his way. Ambiguous, really. Truth be told, I was questioning if I even needed to game-stream, but quitting right away wasn't an option either.
I gave a vague reply and dove back into queue. A quick glance at chat showed the same guy whining again, while another rare chatter defended me: you'll get better with practice.
"Oh, today marks... exactly 100 days since I started streaming! Wow~~"
"Th-Thank you for the congrats... Um, yeah. What should we do?"
The response from my regular viewer—who showed up every single stream—left me speechless for a moment. He came faithfully, so I was grateful, but man, he was getting prickly. He'd started out polite, but now he was slipping in swears.
And from streaming and daily life, I'd realized I had a tendency to clam up. Like I wasn't used to speaking? Thoughts spun in my head but wouldn't come out right.
"Um... should we just chat...? If you have any questions you've been curious about, feel free to ask."
I threw that out there, but chat went quiet. With barely anyone watching, no surprise—a quick scroll showed just a couple IDs. Predictable.
After an awkward wait, questions trickled in: Are you really Japanese? Student but no school? Say something in Japanese. I answered as prepped.
"Y-Yes, I'm Japanese... Learned Korean from K-dramas. School... just don't wanna go, so I don't."
I repeated it in Japanese, and chat lit up: Whoa, real Japanese after all. Fair, my pronunciation was solid for a Japanese person, so some probably thought it was a gimmick.
"Uh... school stuff isn't needed to live anyway... so I just don't go."
Chat filled with question marks. I knew it sounded ridiculous, but I had nothing better. Hikikomori was common knowledge now—plenty of streamers lived that way in Japan, not rare at all. Heck, communicating with the outside world without leaving home? Kinda fortunate, in a way. Not an expert, but still.
As a fake student claiming to be young, the "Why no school?" question was inevitable, so I'd prepped that excuse. After a few more on stream content and my info, chat quieted again. No shock with so few people.
I chatted lightly about favorite foods, then ended the stream. Leaning back in my chair, staring at the ceiling, I thought...
...100 days...
Nearly half a year had passed since I started living as Ito Yui—and since my first stream. I'd been diligent, consistent, but my audience hadn't grown. Percentage-wise, maybe hundreds of percent up from months ago, but absolute numbers? Average viewers stuck between 3 and 4. Pathetic.
People call dozens, even hundreds, "pathetic" too, so no need to belabor how insignificant mine was.
I'd been thinking it for a while now—had to decide, and today was the day to announce it.
"Stream starting... Nice to see you all again today..."
A few minutes in, my regulars popped in. Even the occasional foreigner joined right at start. Come more often, not just now... A bit miffed, I spoke slowly.
"Some of you might know from the title... but... yeah. I'm ending the stream today... Sorry."
Half a year—not short, not long. Quitting something I'd invested in took guts. Even solo, it felt heavy; with a tiny community, it was heartbreaking.
If anything changed from streaming, my stuttering improved at least in front of the monitor. IRL still rough, but halfway there—rest would come slowly.
That jerk to the end... And the foreigner—did she understand Korean, or just translate the title and get the vibe? No point asking now.
"I tried really hard in all sorts of ways... but streaming just doesn't suit me. Thanks for watching my streams. Yeah... see ya."
Final bow to the cam. Mask and prop glasses hid my face completely—no one would recognize me. Waved goodbye, ended stream.
"Haaah..."
Deep sigh. Shut down OBS, all settings, PC. Emptiness, regret, sorrow swirled in my head. Should I have pushed harder? Streamed a full year? But half a year changed nothing—what would more do? Am I just not cut out for it?
Spinning thoughts. Stood up. Done deal. Think objectively, coldly.
Suck at games, go quiet mid-game, bad talker even without—zero fun. One pro: cute voice. But voice alone doesn't cover all flaws.
Luck? Promote despite hate? Meaningless now. Even with dozens or hundreds force-fed by promo, doubt it'd change much.
Sigh... Burning through savings and parents' money ends now. No more streams tomorrow... gotta figure out how to live properly. Live diligently from here on.