Why Did You (8)
The dark night sky had blanketed the world like a thick curtain, as if it were conveying Jin Soyeon's own inner turmoil.
The dense clouds devoured the moonlight, plunging the surroundings into pitch-black darkness.
The room that had once been filled with the light of Jin Soyeon's desk was now swallowed by an impenetrable darkness.
Even the moonlight that usually peeked shyly through the window and the gentle starlight that scattered like silver dust were nowhere to be seen.
Only the glittering nightscape of the city was pushing back against the gloom, but the area around Jin Soyeon's house had sunk into an even stranger silence today.
Was it already nighttime...?
After finishing all her work, Jin Soyeon returned home and stood by the window for a moment before collapsing onto the soft bed with a weary thud.
The gentle touch of the fluffy mattress was the only comfort that soothed her restless heart.
"...Haah."
She closed her eyes without turning on the lights, letting the room sink into deep shadow.
As her heavy eyelids fluttered shut, the events from earlier replayed vividly in her mind.
*'Siwoo didn't say a word.'*
When she had asked him the stupid question of whether he had feelings for her, Lee Siwoo had simply chosen silence.
He had opened and closed his lips several times as if he wanted to say something, but in the end, he stayed quiet.
For a brief moment, only that awkward silence settled between them.
It was a very short silence, yet simply refusing to answer was enough of an answer in itself.
Sometimes silence carried more meaning than ten words ever could.
Soon after, Jin Soyeon forced a laugh and tried to brush the situation off, calling it just a joke.
She had left him an escape route so she wouldn't have to keep troubling him further.
If she had waited for a proper reply, Siwoo would have been the one left in an awkward position.
At the same time, this was also a sign of her own cowardice.
She had asked the question, but when she got the answer she hadn't wanted, she had backed away without a word.
Jin Soyeon had been using silence as a psychological defense.
By not hearing the direct answer, she had given herself room to wonder—maybe she was wrong, maybe there was a chance.
Of course she knew it wasn't zero percent likely, but believing in a 1% chance versus a 0% chance was still the difference between heaven and earth.
She was like a student who had already decided the test was wrong but kept hoping for a miracle anyway.
She wouldn't know the true answer until she opened the answer sheet.
*'I really am a coward.'*
Yes.
She was cowardly.
She had asked the question herself and then fled like an idiot.
What had been going through Siwoo's mind at that moment?
The image of his face when she had suddenly asked that question was still burned into her memory.
She felt a pang of guilt.
It wasn't as if she hadn't known it was an inappropriate question from the start.
*'I thought Siwoo would say no, but...'
Jin Soyeon exhaled a long, heavy sigh.
Her chest felt tight and hot, as if she needed to vent the boiling heat inside.
*'Why did things end up like this again?'*
Since they had been friends since middle school, she had assumed they could stay at least friends, not more.
Especially since Siwoo was handsome, rich, skilled, and from a good family.
She had figured he had grown up seeing much more capable, wealthy, and beautiful girls than her, so he probably had no romantic interest in her.
To put it bluntly, Jin Soyeon was just an ordinary girl with a slightly plain face.
It made sense that Siwoo, who had never shown romantic interest in girls before, would remain uninterested.
*'There were rumors about what Siwoo thought of me, but I dismissed them as just gossip.'*
Because Jin Soyeon had suffered from those kinds of rumors, she had believed they weren't true if she hadn't experienced them herself.
And now, her own habits were dragging her down.
So she couldn't even guess what thoughts were behind Siwoo's gaze toward her...
- Did I really not know?
Suddenly.
- Actually, I had noticed to some extent, hadn't I?
A different voice, echoing from the depths of her heart, shook her mind.
- Asking him if he liked me was an extremely deliberate action, wasn't it?
Only the raw emotion she had revealed without hiding had been pounding at her ears.
- In the situation where you were struggling because of a stalker like Choi Chang-won, I knew you wouldn't nod so easily to Siwoo's question.
No, I...
- I wanted to use his direct refusal as a psychological shield. I also wanted to plant a seed in him. By making him say it himself that he didn't like me.
Was Jin Soyeon unconsciously thinking that?
That couldn't be.
Absolutely not.
- You know, to be honest, I found it annoying when other guys said they liked me or whatever.
More than annoying, it had been deeply uncomfortable.
Jin Soyeon had just wanted to help people and have as many friends as possible, male and female.
During that time, several boys had blushed and shown their affection for her, which had left her quite flustered.
After all, she had thought men and women could be friends.
It had been awkward the next day when a boy who had been a close friend suddenly confessed or expressed his feelings?
Well...
It was quite, very, extremely awkward.
Jin Soyeon had no choice but to make her feelings clear.
Boys who got rejected would awkwardly smile and insist on just staying friends, and before long, the friendship would end.
Many such cases had happened.
Every time she saw the bittersweet smiles of the friends who slowly withdrew, Jin Soyeon felt a heavy discomfort.
The boy hadn't done anything wrong, and she hadn't either, yet why did these ambiguous situations keep repeating?
That's why Jin Soyeon...
- I asked Jinhyuk to be my fake boyfriend so that the boys wouldn't confess.
After becoming Jinhyuk's fake boyfriend, the number of boys who showed their affection or confessed had dropped noticeably.
Just knowing he had a girlfriend, most boys kept their distance.
They either felt satisfied with the friendship they still had or were waiting for a future chance.
Of course, there were still a few close male friends who confessed, but confessing to someone who already had a boyfriend was unthinkable.
Because she had already been dating Jinhyuk under false pretenses, Jin Soyeon had been able to reject them without any guilt.
- And you pretended not to notice on purpose, right?
It wasn't pretending.
She really hadn't known.
How could she possibly know all the thoughts of every other boy?
Moreover, Jin Soyeon had been trying to conduct herself properly.
She hadn't gotten too close to the ordinary boys who showed subtle romantic interest.
She didn't want to give them any false hope.
But there were a few situations that had been quite difficult for her.
When she realized that a male friend she had built up a lot of familiarity with might actually like her as a woman.
In that case, she couldn't simply pull away, and pretending to know him would have been awkward.
If she had been careless, the current relationship might have been ruined.
And Jin Soyeon had been under considerable stress just from being aware of that fact.
- So I deliberately convinced myself that he wouldn't like me because of various reasons?
No, that wasn't it.
- When you think about it, firmly believing he wouldn't like her for all those reasons is actually proof that she had noticed to some extent, right?
That's ridiculous.
- Really? Could you say with certainty that you never thought about whether Siwoo or Jinhyuk liked you at all? You weren't just trying to play dumb?
Yes, I didn't know. I really didn't know.
- If you think about it normally, rumors would have been circulating and you would have heard how other kids reacted, so how could you not know the truth...
Jin Soyeon wanted to cover her ears.
- You didn't want to know? And you had to keep not knowing.
But the voice from her unconscious was still echoing endlessly in her head.
- Pretending to be insensitive and not knowing was secretly comfortable, wasn't it? Right?
You could just take the stance that "even if something goes wrong later, I didn't know~" so you wouldn't have to deal with it.
Unconscious thoughts and emotions kept surfacing.
The harder she tried not to think, the deeper she sank into the abyss.
- You're just a person who is scared but also greedy at the same time.
Slowly, very slowly.
- Being scared that a close friend would suddenly confess and being scared that rejection would break the friendship...
A snake gently stroked her ears.
- But I don't want to give up on heroic play or friend play.
Eventually the voice.
- Indeed...
It was crystal clear in Jin Soyeon's ear.
"...Are you just greedy?"
"Eh, wh-what?"
An unfamiliar voice echoed out of nowhere in the empty house, making Jin Soyeon jump.
W-What?! Who is it?!
She had thought maybe a robber had broken in, but when she saw the face sitting at the desk and chair, she couldn't calm her bewildered heart.
The person staring at her was someone she knew all too well.
*'Me...?*
Right there, staring back with a blank expression, was Jin Soyeon herself.
"Wait, what is this...?"
"Soyeon-ah, Jin Soyeon."
Before she could even organize her confused thoughts, another Jin Soyeon approached quietly.
Looking at the emotionless face of the other Jin Soyeon, a dry lump formed in her throat.
"The situation where an old childhood friend and the daughter of a wealthy family secretly likes me... This is exactly the kind of thing that happens in female-oriented novels. Right? You read those novels back in the day, didn't you? You've probably imagined something like this at least once."
"W-What are you saying?! Who are you even...?"
"Or are you enjoying the situation by pretending not to know?"
"Stop it!"
Her eyes met eyes.
The other Jin Soyeon's eyes were quietly gazing back.
Those golden eyes that seemed to suck you in, dimmed with a dark shadow as usual.
For some reason, those eyes frightened her.
Especially because they reminded her of her past self.
"Soyeon-ah, let's be a little more honest with each other."
Eyes are the window to the heart.
A window through which the heart passes.
Another Jin Soyeon was looking through that window.
Those eyes seemed to pierce straight through Jin Soyeon's heart.
The reflection of Jin Soyeon's face in those eyes was as hard and rigid as stone, and her eyebrows were trembling faintly.
"You know, don't you? How many people got hurt because of your selfish actions."
"N-No, that's..."
"How many guys are there who could really just be friends with a girl as beautiful as me?"
"What nonsense are you spouting."
"You already knew that men and women can't be friends. But you had to deny it. To satisfy your own greed."
"That's not true. Absolutely not."
The Jin Soyeon in a daze flinched.
"So you didn't make Jinhyuk your fake boyfriend to stop the guys from openly showing affection? The only person you could ask was Jinhyuk, and he wouldn't refuse, so he was perfect for using."
"...Shut up."
"And you said you asked because you didn't know if Jinhyuk liked you."
"...Shut up, I said."
"Really? Did you never once think that Jinhyuk might like you? Really sincerely?"
She spoke softly into her ear.
"Actually, I had some idea... Uwa?!"
"You said shut up!"
Unable to hold back her anger any longer, the Jin Soyeon in a daze rushed at the other Jin Soyeon.
And.
***
"Haah! Haah! Haah...?"
Jerkily.
Jin Soyeon shot up from the bed, drenched in sweat.
Cold sweat trickled down her temples.
Her heart was pounding wildly.
She panted, turning her head sharply.
The room was empty except for her. No other Jin Soyeon was there. No figure, no voice. Just complete silence.
When she checked the clock, it was already 4 a.m.
"Haah, what the...?"
No way.
Was it a dream?
A nightmare?
"This was such a horrible dream... me...?"
She had no idea how long she had been asleep, but it had been an incredibly unpleasant one.
Imagining the other version of herself babbling stupid things and then fighting... just thinking about it gave her goosebumps.
"Haah... I really must have been stressed out. Having such a nightmare..."
Jin Soyeon let out a long sigh and slowly lifted her head.
Far away, she could see a full-length mirror.
The light was dim, but Jin Soyeon had fairly good night vision, so she could tell that her reflection looked extremely cold.
Her black hair hung straight down as if it had absorbed all the light, and her face was slightly contorted.
It was so far from the usual Jin Soyeon that she barely recognized herself.
The Jin Soyeon who always smiled brightly and was easy to fool was nothing like this.
When she frowned or stayed expressionless, the real Jin Soyeon was even colder than Siwoo.
The Jin Soyeon in the mirror reminded her of her past self.
The version of herself who had been tormented before meeting Jinhyuk.
"..."
Jin Soyeon clenched her fist without thinking.
She knew it.
She couldn't keep avoiding this forever.
She couldn't just stay scared and silent forever.
"...I'm scared that our friendship will break. That's true. But."
Jin Soyeon stared at the mirror and suddenly made up her mind.
"Still, I have to say it clearly. I won't avoid anymore."
She was truly sorry for asking Jinhyuk to be her fake boyfriend without telling him she liked him.
She was truly sorry to Siwoo if he liked her.
She would stop pretending and say it for sure.
Even if it broke their current friendship.
Definitely.
- Really? Did you never once think that Jinhyuk might like you? Really sincerely?
Before she got back into bed.
The words from the nightmare had flashed through her mind, but Jin Soyeon ignored them and forced herself to go back to sleep.
Because that fact was the one thing she really hadn't known.
...Really.