The Angel Without Wings
My true identity was that of a pathetic employee at a tiny company who occasionally cosplayed as a high school boy for a hobby. In a miserable life that was nothing but one backstab after another, meeting Teacher Eunju had been pure luck.
She was, quite literally, the nutrient of my life. My own little precious Secret Love that would miraculously appear just when I was worn down and exhausted by living, recharging me with the strength to face another day...
Even today was like that. Yesterday because of Harin, and today because of Sehee, I had been about to wrap up the weekend drowning in existential despair.
Who would have thought I’d run into her by chance right in front of the school?
And that wasn’t all. I was enjoying the luxury of carrying her books and escorting her all the way home.
“Ah... but where were you coming from? You look like you dressed up really carefully today.”
But right from the start I hit a crisis. If I admitted I’d gone to meet some other woman behind Teacher Eunju’s back, the shock would be no joke—what was I supposed to do?
“Me? I, uh... went to a wedding! I went to a wedding with my parents, and after it ended I was wandering around alone when—bam!—I just happened to run into Teacher Eunju.”
“I see? Huh? Then did Harin and Harin’s father go there today too?”
“No? As you know, we’re really distant relatives, and this side is a completely different branch of the family.”
Deep down I wanted to blurt out that I was exactly that father of Harin’s. But what could I do?
The moment I’d met her while wearing a school uniform, a lifelong lie had already begun.
“By the way, Teacher Eunju, it seems like you haven’t been in this neighborhood long?”
“I was living in the university dorms originally, then when I got assigned here I hurriedly found a place at the end of February.”
“You don’t know the area well yet, do you? If you want somewhere quiet to study teaching materials, I can recommend a few places. There’s a municipal library nearby, and also a twenty-four-hour unmanned café where you can stay all day without anyone giving you looks.”
“Ah... thanks for saying that, but I’m more comfortable doing it at school. Since it’s the weekend and no one’s around, I feel at ease.”
“...?”
People’s mindsets can differ a little, but ultimately for Teacher Eunju, wasn’t that a kind of workplace? If it were me, no matter how quiet, I wouldn’t want to spend even the weekend there.
Or maybe she just didn’t want to run into other people?
“Anyway, election activities start next week, right? Everyone submits their campaign pledges and starts campaigning in earnest?”
“Probably so. Tomorrow morning the pledges will be uploaded all at once, and from lunchtime it’ll start for real.”
“So how’s it been lately between Eunju and Thuy?”
“Fortunately there haven’t been any particular troubles so far. Jihye and Eunju seem to be getting along fine too. But you, by any chance... Ah, no! You’re a student, and I’m a teacher!”
Here we go again. I roughly got what she was curious about, so could she please stop with that meaningless formality?
“You’re wondering why Eunju suddenly switched from Jihye to Yuna, right? But I really don’t know either. Eunju won’t tell me about that part.”
“I-I see? It’s not that weird that I don’t know, right?”
“If the kids won’t talk, how is a teacher supposed to know? Being a parent isn’t any different. The moment they get home they barricade themselves in their room and don’t make a single sound—how are you supposed to get inside their heads?”
Just like me and Harin. From the parent-teacher conference with Teacher Eunju, I had felt it: both of us knew way too little about Harin.
“I-Is that so? Are you the type who does that when you go home too?”
“Not. At. All. I tell everything. If you can’t trust your own family, who can you trust?”
Lie. Even Mom had only vaguely figured out the real reason I left home after eighteen years, and even Aunt and Uncle still didn’t know the truth—I was still hiding my shameful secrets.
Hmm... Did that mean I didn’t even have the right to blame Harin?
“Um... Teacher? This might be a bit sensitive, but can I ask just one thing?”
“Hm? What is it?”
There was one thing I wanted to ask. I wanted to check whether the stark culture shock I had felt at the blind date with Sehee today really only applied to me alone.
“I felt this after going to the wedding today. Marriage is reality after all, right? The criteria that define what kind of person the other is aren’t personality or values, but first and foremost their job or family background?”
“W-What are you talking about? What on earth happened there?”
“I was a guest on the bride’s side. I went into the bride’s waiting room and asked what kind of person her future husband was. Since she’s the one getting married, I thought she’d be able to evaluate her future spouse most accurately. But somehow... she only listed specific specs like where he works, what his salary is, where he bought a house and what assets he has—like looking at a company résumé—and didn’t say a single thing about what kind of ‘person’ he actually is.”
Was the question too transparent? I did acknowledge that marriage itself was reality.
Marriage wasn’t just a personal union of two people, but a sacred task of two families with completely different upbringing environments coming together to form a new community.
Even if it was old-fashioned, it couldn’t be helped. As long as I had been born in the land of busybodies, it was a fate I had to accept.
“Is that the only reason the bride chose the groom? If the specs are good, even if personalities or hobbies don’t match, you feel like he’s someone you can try living with?”
A question laced with self-mockery, yet stained with shame toward myself. Would Teacher Eunju, who served as the nutrient of my life, be able to give a wise answer?
“Of course not! What’s important is the person, not conditions or anything. Of course she might have liked her future husband’s job or family background. But... the reason she chose something as major as marriage must definitely be the person himself.”
“Uh... You don’t have to say only nice things just because I’m a student, Teacher.”
“It’s not like that! At least that’s how I think. Conditions or environment are secondary. As long as you can fully accept that person, those things aren’t a problem at all, I believe.”
“I can’t believe it. What kind of man do you like, Teacher Eunju?”
“Me? I just... Ah, no! You’re a student, and I’m a teacher! Saying that kind of thing to a student is a bit...”
“But someone has to resolve the moral hazard I experienced today, right? If I hear Teacher’s ideal type and really learn that conditions aren’t everything, I think I might be able to trust the world a little.”
“...”
Somehow I felt a pang of conscience, like I was deceiving an innocent person. But having already started cosplaying as a high school boy, I was already half a sociopath.
Even if it meant this, I wanted to hear about Teacher Eunju’s ideal type. If I could, I felt like I could forget everything that had happened yesterday and today and greet a lively tomorrow.
Teacher Eunju blushed as if embarrassed. Yet with the clear, precise diction befitting a Korean language teacher, she revealed her ideal type.
“I just... someone I can trust and lean on is enough. Someone who understands the work I do and my thoughts, and can seriously worry about them as if they were their own.”
“Really? Job and stuff don’t matter at all? For example, if by the mid-thirties he’s barely making thirty million won a year at some no-name company?”
“If that’s the path he chose, I should support him! The job market is tough these days, so just diligently going to work and working hard is enough to be a sincere person, right?”
“Really? What if he has no parents? So if the groom’s side of the wedding hall is completely empty, wouldn’t that be a bit embarrassing?”
“Not having parents isn’t that person’s fault, is it? If the other has wounds, soothing them is the essence of marriage, don’t you think?”
“Uh... What if he has an incurable disease? Not life-threatening, but some appearance issues. For example, a burn scar on one side of his face, or a slightly crooked nose.”
“Getting sick is a tragedy that can come to anyone, right? Appearance does affect first impressions, but ultimately what’s important is the heart that deeply loves each other.”
“...”
As expected, Teacher Eunju was an angel without wings. No—from now on I should call angels “Teacher Eunju with wings.”
The distrust of humanity born from Sehee was completely vanishing. At the same time, I thought that the only person who could save my continuous misfortune of a life was the Teacher Eunju right in front of me.
If it was that Teacher Eunju, she would answer “that question” too. And without a doubt in the way I wanted.
“Teacher Eunju? What if... that person has a kid?”
“Even if he has a kid... W-What did you just say!?”
“...”
B-u-t. Even for Teacher Eunju, a man with a kid seemed a bit much. Her eyes widened so much they looked ready to pop out, and she froze in place like ice.
“I-It’s a joke. Common sense, no matter how shameless, a man with a kid wouldn’t propose marriage to Teacher Eunju, right?”
“No, I just....”
Please don’t answer any further! Just the fact that you’re fretting over whether to keep pretending to be a lofty moralist in front of a student till the end or tell the truth is already enough of a wound.
“Ugh... But if you really like the other person, wouldn’t you end up accepting that too eventually?”
“You’re just saying nice things on purpose because it’s in front of a student, right?”
“No! Ultimately that child is also part of the other person, right? What fault does a little kid have? So I think I should embrace them with love.”
“...”
She still hadn’t properly understood the point of the question. Or should I say it more clearly?
Not a little kid, but a second-year high schooler, and moreover a student in the class you homeroom? Not to mention that the person enjoys cosplaying as a high school boy as a hobby, that pervert bastard?
“Teacher? What if that child isn’t a kindergartener but...”
“Oh, he’s here?”
“...?”
But I couldn’t hear the answer to that question. Just as we arrived in front of the multi-family house where Teacher Eunju lived, an uninvited guest barged into our cozy little world.
“S-Senior? What brings you here all of a sudden?”
A man whom Teacher Eunju called “Senior” walked out from the shared entrance of the multi-family house. Then he smoothly held out a neatly wrapped gift box.
“I was the only one who couldn’t make it to the housewarming before, right? Even if late, I wanted to give a housewarming gift, so I waited.”
“Ah... If you come so suddenly like this...”
In that instant, I felt like the single world line that had been one suddenly bifurcated. Even though three people were together, I alone felt detached, like a mere spectator appreciating a fine painting.
He was a man who seemed to personify “dandyism” itself. Not the meticulously crafted neatness that Lee Jubin put all his effort into creating, but someone who threw on anything carelessly yet completed a style just like that.
Tall height and balanced physique. A warm smile that put your mind at ease just by looking, and black horn-rimmed glasses that gave a sense of trust.
As could be inferred from the fact that Teacher Eunju already called him “Senior,” he was the very specimen of those young, handsome, popular MZ teachers who occasionally become topics of conversation.
“But... who is this?”
But of all people, he noticed me. Of course there was no room for doubt that we were companions, but instinctively I thought I shouldn’t stay here any longer.
“Th-Then, thank you for the counseling today. I’ll be going now.”
“Ah...”
I handed the books to Teacher Eunju and then—tatatak!—bolted in the opposite direction. Even as my mind went blank, one phrase was eating away at my brain.
I shouldn’t have come here.
I saw something I shouldn’t have seen. Despite having learned over decades that my life is a continuous string of backstabs, in a moment of carelessness thinking maybe Teacher Eunju would be different, I took a proper hit.
She said she doesn’t have a boyfriend, but she never said she doesn’t have a crush. Moreover, considering she originally has a bit of an airheaded side, a man who comes all the way to her house on a weekend evening might not even have been categorized as a crush.
And perhaps, starting from this very hour today, he might no longer be just a crush.
Trudge, trudge...
In the end, without even thinking of going home, I walked the streets endlessly. Teacher Eunju’s story that tried to show only the bright side of the world, saying conditions and such don’t matter.
Common sense, there’s no way she really doesn’t look at conditions, right? Teacher Eunju is a mid-twenties adult—wouldn’t she have her own values built up over time?
People see as much as they know. So the “unconditional” she spoke of was also within the scope of what she knows.
Let’s simulate her growth history. During school days, a diligent student who only studied hard, and after entering university, the embodiment of sincerity who refined herself every day to achieve her dream of becoming a teacher.
Her surrounding human relationships were all cultured and polite people. Because she grew up seeing only the bright side of the world, she always felt her own shortcomings keenly and even asked students for help, right?
Can someone like that truly imagine a thirty-million-won-a-year small-company employee with no parents raising a high school second-year daughter? Even as a man, my jaw drops at the guy waiting in front of her house on a weekend evening.
What was I even expecting? From the moment I met her while cosplaying as a high school boy, there was no future for us.
She’s like... an idol on the screen. Even knowing this relationship would never progress beyond a certain level, the virtual light I was clinging to in order to protect the last pure love inside me.
But I forgot that idols on the screen should only be watched on the screen. The moment you go down from the stage and see the true face, the illusion shatters into pieces, and in the end I just lost one more escape hole from reality.
“Could I see some ID, please?”
When I came to, I had filled a bag full of soju and beer at a convenience store. After going through that damn tedious rite of passage, I exited the convenience store and sat under a parasol.
Let’s drink. Since I don’t have anything particular to do tomorrow, I’ll drink myself stupid and forget everything.
Glug glug...
Right there I mixed a glass of somaek at a one-to-one ratio and downed it in one shot. Then the next shot. And the next.
Without any snacks, I drank five glasses and filled the sixth. Maybe because of that damn sailor stint that uselessly increased only my alcohol tolerance, even pouring it in like crazy after so long, not a single bit of drunkenness came.
How did my life end up like this? My first love stolen by my own older brother, boarding a ship that wasn’t even in my fate and just aging.
My one and only daughter doesn’t even treat me as a dad, and my teammate at the company comes just for the fun of teasing me.
The woman I met on a blind date ran away after only looking at my conditions. And Teacher Eunju is probably having a pleasant tea time with that senior or whatever by now.
Flail flail...
But my misfortune didn’t end there. When I stretched out my arm to grab the next glass, again nothing came to hand.
I clearly left it on the table, but where did the glass go in that short time....
Gulp gulp...
Where it went was in Hyunji’s hand. Hey, why are this kid’s hands so sticky?
“...?”
But who did I just say?