The Weight of a Mother's Love
I had never once thought that my mother had given me too little love.
“Truly, no matter how many times I look at you, you’re so beautiful. My daughter.”
“Mother, am I pretty?”
“Of course! Our Lua is the prettiest in the whole world.”
No matter what I said, Mother always told me I was beautiful.
But she cherished me so much that it became excessive.
Whenever I tried to move on my own, she would scold me.
If I simply sat still in my room, servants would come to help me with everything—from meals to getting dressed.
Learning anything only required me to sit quietly and listen to the tutors who visited my chamber.
Even though I did nothing and simply stayed still, Mother would still…
“Oh my, you’re so pretty I could die! Really!”
There were times I wondered if she saw me not as a person, but as a doll.
Yet after calling me pretty, she would always frown once.
And without fail, the same name would slip from her lips.
“You’re far better than that disgusting Erewon.”
My older brother, who was four years older than me.
Why did she hate him so much?
Sometimes our eyes would meet as I passed through the castle, and he didn’t seem like a bad person at all.
When I didn’t know how to act around him and simply stared, he would catch my gaze and smile brightly.
Every time, I would flinch and quickly look away.
Once, I asked Mother about it.
I was curious why she always said she couldn’t stand the sight of him.
“That boy nearly killed this mother of yours. He’s utterly worthless! I carried him in my womb for ten long months, yet he repaid my kindness with betrayal.”
I couldn’t understand it, but that was all she would say.
Mother came from a noble family of the Empire. She claimed he had made her—a woman raised in comfort—feel the terror of death and pain so intense she nearly lost consciousness.
When I grew a little older, Mother began taking me to Father more often.
“Your Majesty, look at our Lua. Doesn’t her gaze already hold something special? She takes after Your Majesty’s eyes exactly.”
“Indeed. Just as you said, she resembles me greatly. What a truly beautiful daughter.”
“I believe Lua is a gift from the heavens. Whatever she learns, she absorbs it all perfectly, without missing a single thing.”
That wasn’t true.
When I was very young, the lessons were simple, so it was fine.
But one day, after those words, everything changed.
“No matter how I think about it, I cannot hand the throne to that worthless Erewon. Lua, my daughter. You must become queen. No—I will make sure of it.”
From then on, if I failed to remember what I had learned that day, Mother would become furious.
I even had to skip meals and study again.
But if that had been the end of it, I would have been lucky.
When I remembered everything properly after studying on an empty stomach, she would smile brightly. But when I couldn’t…
Mother would take up a rod and strike my palms.
The stinging pain would make the spot swell.
Yet what hurt more than my hands was my heart.
When I stood before Father and recited what I had learned without mistake, he would smile with satisfaction.
But just as Mother had strictly instructed, I never showed him my palms. I always hid them.
I never made a single mistake.
Except for one time.
It happened right in front of Father while I was demonstrating imperial etiquette. I tripped over my own feet and fell.
“Lua, are you all right?”
Startled, Father helped me up.
I had fallen hard enough that my knee was bleeding.
But at that moment, I didn’t feel the pain.
Because Mother was staring at me with eyes I had never seen before—eyes filled with terrifying rage.
“What is this… Why is her body like this? Someone! The princess is unwell! Bring the physician at once!”
After the doctor treated me in my room and left, Mother dismissed the guards and servants.
“What’s the problem with a mere scraped knee? You have disappointed His Majesty and me. Roll up your skirt.”
It was the first time I had felt such pain.
Mother struck my calves so hard that the veins nearly burst.
When I collapsed from exhaustion after the beating, she simply left me lying on the floor.
“There will be no food for you today. Remember that.”
It was the first time I cried.
I sobbed until my throat hurt and my tears ran dry, but no one came.
“Lua, are you okay?”
The person who helped me up was someone I had never expected.
My brother, four years older than me.
With a body only slightly larger than my small one, he grunted as he lifted me.
“Who did this to you? Tell your brother. I’ll scold them for you!”
I didn’t know what to say.
After crying so much that I thought my tears had dried up, they burst forth again.
My brother, who had been angrily demanding to know who hurt me, stopped and simply held me tight as I cried.
He held me for a long time, until my sobs finally quieted.
“I have to go now.”
When he said he had to leave, I shook my head.
I didn’t want to let him go.
“I’m sorry. But I’ll come see you again. I’m leaving, but instead…”
He picked up the small rabbit doll that had been sitting in the corner of the room and placed it in my arms.
“Hold this rabbit tight. It’s soft, so it might make you feel a little better. I’ll come again next time.”
But there was no next time.
When Mother learned that my brother had visited my room, she ordered him never to come near me again.
When my legs had healed enough that I could walk, I opened the door and slipped outside.
Before Mother could arrive, I ran out to find my brother.
A servant told me he had recently taken an interest in swordsmanship.
I went quite far.
All the way to the training grounds where the knights practiced.
My legs still hurt, but I finally found him!
There he was, learning swordsmanship from Sir Guilford.
Mother always emphasized the importance of etiquette, but right now she wasn’t here to scold me.
So why hesitate?
I told my legs to endure the pain just a little longer.
“Brother!”
My heart beat steadily. I slowly opened my eyes to the quiet sound.
“Are you awake?”
Startled by Master’s voice, I shook off my dazed mind and took in the situation.
The quiet heartbeat belonged to Lua, who was sleeping peacefully with her head resting against me.
My hand was still on her forehead.
The thread of mana that had been connected to her body had already been severed.
“Manipulating another person’s body with mana is far more tremendous than you might think.”
What exactly did I just see?
“You probably know better than I do what you saw.”
My mind had returned, but the images were still vivid.
What I had seen was undoubtedly Lua’s memories. There was no doubt about it.
Only now did I understand why Lua knew so much.
I also understood what Mother had done to her in order to strip me of my right to the throne.
And then there was the large rabbit doll sitting across from us.
Lua had definitely said I gave it to her, but now I finally knew why I had no memory of it.
I understand now.
“Understand what?”
Why Lua likes me so strangely. And why, in my previous life, she wanted to stay by my side so desperately.
But one question still remained unanswered.
If that was the case, then why had Empress Lua tried to kill me and even imprison my soul?
“Is that so difficult for you?”
Master poured cold water on me with a tone that suggested it was trivial.
It’s difficult, which is why I still don’t know.
“Really, humans are so utterly ignorant. There is nothing in this world that cannot be understood. You simply brainwash yourselves with preconceptions and block the path to the answer.”
I want to understand. That is exactly why I still cannot love Lua perfectly.
I had only been thinking it, but in the end I couldn’t hold back and spoke aloud.
“But no matter how much I think about it, I just don’t get it!”
“Shh.”
At my loud voice, Lua stirred.
With a light wave of his hand, Master made her body float gently into the air before settling her softly onto the bed.
The blanket moved on its own, smoothly covering her.
“You’ll wake the child. Do you truly love your little sister?”
Every time I see how blindly she cherishes me, I feel guilty. I don’t want to keep suffering because of what happened with Empress Lua in my previous life.
Master yawned as if my serious words bored him.
“This is the last time I will show you anything related to your previous life. Don’t even dream about it after this.”
With a single flick of his hand, the scenery around us changed.
It was the exact moment when Regret was embedded in my body, death was closing in, and the mages were attempting to seal my soul.
I was dying.
Empress Lua kissed me, whispering that she loved me, and quietly watched as the mages pulled my soul from my body.
Just as the incantation to imprison my soul was nearly complete—
“Stop.”
The Empress commanded.
“Pardon?”
“I ordered you to stop. Mages, immediately use healing magic to treat the hero.”
As the mages panicked at the sudden change in orders, the other leaders of the allied forces who had been watching from behind rose from their seats.
“Empress, what is the meaning of this sudden change?”
“I have changed my mind. No matter what, he is the hero who defeated the Demon King for the sake of this world. If he meets such an end, who in the future would fight for our world?”
“It is too late. After making such a decision, what do you intend to do now!”
“I will manage him personally. In exchange, I will keep him confined so he cannot appear before the world.”
The Empress’s sharp gaze turned toward the still-flustered mages.
“So hurry up and cast the healing magic!”
The mages rushed to obey.
But by then, my head had already fallen limply.
When the Empress realized I was dead, she looked down at me in silence.
Since the soul-sealing magic had been stopped midway, only an empty shell remained—my soul had already departed.
The panicked mages called out to her in voices filled with fear.
“Your Majesty, we only did as you commanded…”
The Empress knelt on the dirty earthen floor and cradled my head in both hands.
For a long while she gently stroked my hair, then finally released it and stood up.
“All troops, we return.”
As she rose, she wiped the corners of her eyes with her sleeve.
But she couldn’t wipe away all the moisture. A trace of tears still lingered there.